So as a man whose experience of the games is having the plot once explained to me at 2 in the morning whilst I was quite drunk: Here is what I thought of "Warcraft" as well as my attempt at a review.
So there's this kingdom, ruled by Dominic Cooper and his douche-bag best friend "Lothar" (one of three characters whose names I know because it was repeated ad verbatim) who, along with "Black Guy" "His Son" and "Beard Guy" (Beard Guy was my favourite, more on him later) protect the kingdom from nothing as there has been peace under the History Boy's gentle hand.
Then some intergalactic CGI giant people under their evil king Gordon go through a Stargate and land there. Amongst them is Toby Kebbell Orc, his best friend "Hammer Wielding Bro-Orc" (my favourite after Beard Guy), half-green tusk woman played by Paula Patton, and Clancy Brown. Because of course Clancy Brown is in this. However, despite the man having one of the most distinctive voices in Hollywood, I didn't know that it was him because he barely has any screen time and his voice is put through a weird filter. I had to wait until the credits to find out which of the CGI orcs he played.
They start wrecking shit because Gordon is a moron and Toby Kebbell doesn't really like this, but he and Bro-Orc go along with it because Gordon's wielding some green mist stuff and can also just send Clancy Brown to kick his ass. Also, "honour" and shit.
Lothar and his chums find some magic man whose accent kept slipping between English and American and they didn't like, presumably because he shot raves out of his hands. Magic Man told them that these mo-fos were bad news, so they should call Ben Foster.
Ben Foster was weird in this. He's one of those actors (like Dougray Scott or Stephen Dorff) who, because of the length of his CV, the number of Blockbusters on it and his recognition, should be kind of famous, but isn't. And like Dougray Scott and Stephen Dorff, he is weird casting whenever he is in something. Either would also belong here.
So Foster plays this "Guardian" guy, who lives in a library with his own pool and the guy from "Due South" and he also thinks it's bad news, mostly because he is clearly evil. That's not a quirk of the part, or a spoiler, it's how he is written and how Ben Foster looks. Nicolas Cage would have made this part something. Heck, Dougray Scott would have gotten the "we all know I'm evil" part out of the way and had fun with it.
Thus begins what should be a dual buddy-cop adventure (Lothar and Rave-Man and Toby Kebbell and Bro-Orc) but takes a weirdly long time to come together, because the pace is so weird. They keep saying people's names or dropping stuff which I presume is there to make fans leap for joy, then Paula Patton sides with Lothar (by virtue of them having Dominic Cooper and Beard Guy on their side, thus not being total raging cock-wombles) and tells them about this portal thing, as well as how she was repeatedly raped (which is a weird change of tone in this movie) and Toby Kebbell and Bro-Orc have a falling out over siding with Gordon, only not really, only really, and then Clancy Brown's all like "yeah man! Fuck this Gordon guy!" but then they all follow Gordon anyway after he murders the ever-loving-buggery out of Toby Kebbell with his Arc of the Covenant powers.
Then Lothar's son gets his shit wrecked by Ben Foster, and they decide finally that the man communicating with the dead and wearing a cloak of raven's feathers and played by Ben Foster MIGHT be evil, but Dominic Cooper puts Lothar in jail for being stupid enough to start a fist-fight with a wizard, and then Rave Man meets Glenn Close on a spirit quest in the sky-city from "Chrono Trigger", who tells him that Ben Foster is evil.
Then there's an epic battle of sorts where I felt it was all going to be the same old generic stuff, but they tried going Shakespeare or "Dune" and making it epic, which I kind of liked in a weird way because this movie looked like a selection of cutscenes to a game (intentionally, I hope) and was about all of the things I have just described: Clancy Brown got himself a terminal case of sword to the sternum, Bro-Orc fucked off and vowed to avenge Toby Kebbell, Toby Kebbell's son was put in a basket like Moses (and given a name I thought was probably important to fans of the series) and then Dominic Cooper told Paula Patton to shiv him in the neck, so he could escape this movie and also to bring peace to the two kingdoms, or honour or some shit. Then Black Guy died. Then Ben Foster got his arse handed to him in a mini-rave by Lothar, Rave Man and a giant statue after he murdered the guy from Due South and was all "I'm Evil!", so Gordon couldn't open his Stargate and bring more weird CGI actors into this.Then Paula Patton and Gordon just chilled because she murdered King Dominic Cooper, which made her cool in his book, whilst Lothar flew on a giant eagle with Dominic Cooper's body and united the kingdoms against Paula Patton and Gordon, because he really wanted to bang Paula Patton because she was the only other woman in the movie not his sister and thus he was disappointed that she stabbed his boyfriend in the neck before he could stab him in the bum with his penis. There is going to be a sequel, likely two.
Beard Guy he abandoned to be a prisoner of the orcs.
Fuck Lothar.
5/10
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