This evening I saw "Fifty Shades of Grey".
To say that I have been looking forward to tearing this movie a new one, is an understatement of Biblical proportions.
First of all, this cinema was packed to the rafters, ever single seat was sold out. That is no exaggeration. The last time this was even close, was at the "Smurfs 2" screening, which should say a lot.
Also, I was one of three men there. One of them was sat next to me and was only here because his partner said she'd take him to the pub afterwards.
This fucking movie.
Fucking Christ.
Jamie Dornan is a man with so little charisma that it's like Chuck Norris playing Patrick Bateman, only his first language isn't English. And he looks like Anton Yelchin if he was made of Lego.
He's so fucking bad. I mean, seriously one of the worst fucking actors I have ever seen. This makes the following sentence all the worse.
Dakota Johnson is genuinely really, really good in this. Not just because she gets her milk cannons out (because only female nudity exists in Hollywood, it seems). She plays it self aware, seeing it all as a joke, and you can tell that she really, really, really hates Jamie Dornan, as they have the chemistry of a fucking block of teak and the most erotic thing is actually her one liners, which are actually well delivered, cute and adorable, in a "I'm shooting down a serial killer" sort of way.
She's never not in control of the situation.
"Mr Grey" is such a fucking wet fucking useless fucking blanket that all of their scenes can be summed up thus:
"I wanna fuck you with masking tape and a riding crop."
"Lol. Cool, weirdo."
"Awwwwwww, c'mon!"
"Can't you, like, use your penis?"
"No."
"Why? Lose it in a fire?"
"I'm too dark, edgy and misunderstood."
"Cool, I'm going to go chill with my dad, who's the partner from 'True South', I'll come back when there's sex shit going on."
The only true chemistry came from two scenes:
Callum Keith Rennie (the partner from 'True South' and Anastacia's dad in the movie) and her funny flatmate, who meet once, but you already know that these two are getting jiggy with it.
Anastacia's mum, and her surprisingly sweet, human relationship with "Bob" (who is mentioned once beforehand, and is genuinely putting effort into this movie) over a bowl of salsa.
The cinematography is good, but the colour pallet (har-de-fucking-har, everything is fucking grey. UNDERSTAND! IT'S FUCKING SYMBOLIC! FUCKING UNDERSTAND!) ruins it.
Though, there were a few true joys:
Hercules Hanson (not his real name) from "Pacific Rim" plays Mr Grey's bodyguard, whose entire role is to stand there looking as if he's tired of Christian's shit. He's fucking great. I was convinced that he and Ms Steele were getting it on, with the sexual tension on screen.
The girl three seats along, who was laughing along with me, and who bonded with me over Sean Connery impressions, and a belief that he was a better fit. She had the following reactions:
(After Christian shows her his stable of crops he bought on eBay)
"Nah, I'm out."
(After Anastacia says no to some of his bondage shit)
"You go girl!"
They kept the line "I'm fifty shades of fucked up." And it's Jamie Dornan saying it. It's as fucking terrible as it sounds.
Seriously, pick any scene from this dull, dull, ineptly underwritten movie, and it's shit.
So, go and see it.
Seriously, it's fucking hilarious.
And way more likeable than the book.
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