People seem to want more film reviews, so here's another:
"Soul Survivors".
What, you wanted a new movie? No, I didn't go to the cinema today, I stayed in and watched a DVD I got for nothing, because I'm kind of stupid like that. I'm just glad that I watched "Ellery Queen" beforehand, so that this is not the enduring memory of my cinematic and television experiences today.
"Soul Survivors" is a 2001 "horror" movie starring Wes Bentley and Casey Affleck (two men who for all intents and purposes are interchangeable, especially in this) and Eliza Dushku back when she was still a thing. Her purpose in this movie is to wear Goth attire, act irresponsibly and back the soundtrack: the collective sound of 2000 "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fans wanking themselves into an early grave.
A girl is driving her friends to a "Goth" party filled with the most insufferably dressed skanks and shitheads ever captured on film outside of "Scream" or an episode of "NCIS". On the way back, they have a car crash in which Casey Affleck dies. I'm spoiling this movie because fuck you.
Our lead, and Wes Bentley and Eliza Dushku, spends the rest of the movie going mad, wishing she was in "Swimfan" instead (which should tell you about the quality of this movie) and seeing visions of "Goths". I choose to believe that she has been rendered insane by the constant stream of some of the worst music since Morrisey, all in the "Goth" subgenre, I think. I don't know what Goths are, neither does this movie. It looks like Swansea's "Dead of Night" had sex with a copy of "I Know What you Did Last Summer" and that offspring humped "Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows".
The insipid result of this ungodly offering is something neither scary nor entertainingly bad, instead being as tedious as a drip-torture coconut milk enema administered by the concept of beige. You could get the same effect this movie is trying to achieve by watching random clips of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" on morphine and occasionally stabbing yourself in the eye with a copy of "H20" covered in donkey piss.
This movie is the epitome of early 2000s horror, stuff like "Scream", "I Know What you Did Last Summer", "Final Destination", "Thirteen Ghosts" or, God help you, "The Faculty" and should be avoided at all costs.
You didn't need me to tell you that, of course, because nobody saw this movie. Did anybody ever talk about this movie? Whose favourite movie is "Soul Survivor"? Like most noughties horror of that time, it's shit, that is not in itself surprising. What is remarkable about it is that I forgot the title immediately after reading the box cover and putting the DVD in. That is no mean feat.
Fucking Christ.
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