"Avengers: Age of Chappie"

This will be a long status update. I shall be reviewing this movie as a movie in and of itself (as well as a sequel to "The Avengers" and other Marvel movies made thus far) and then in relation to the works and perception (both public and personal) of the hypocritical cunt-warbler cum cult-leader Joss Whedon. I will preface it by stating that there will be spoilers, and that these 3 facts are important to consider throughout this read:

1. My showing was about 2/3 women/girls, including a little girl accompanied by her father. This will be important later.

2. I did, on the whole, enjoy the movie, before people get up in my grill about being a "hipster" or contrarian.

3. I fucking despise Joss Whedon and the fan worship surrounding him.

The spectacle was nice, there were some impressive fights, especially a "stripped down" sequence within Stark's penthouse and the final confrontation. It's all very glossy, impressively shot and with some nice little quirks and touches thrown in. However, the action was spoiled somewhat by a very simple fact:

I didn't care.

Not in a truly terrible way, I just had not vested stakes or interests, for I knew that each and every one of these characters was going to make it out in the end. Stark was going to survive, Rogers was going to survive, Dr Banner was going to survive, Thor was going to survive, and so on. 

James Spader has always been a fucking delight on screen. He is a menacing, intriguing, charming screen presence whatever he is in, and here he is on top form. His character was actually the one I was rooting for, for reasons we shall go into soon. Otherwise, I really enjoyed Jeremy Renner more in this one. He added some much needed humanity, gravitas and emotion to the proceedings, and Ruffalo's Hulk has just grown far more in this one, enjoying more screen time and not succumbing to any "Whedon" writing, the two of them felt like characters in their own right. Yet whilst we have seen the Avengers and can kind of describe them, here the dialogue began to very obviously turn "Whedon-like" very, very quickly. Every character (and I do mean every single character...) had some sarcastic quip or cute little "oh look how self aware we are! Teehee!" line/moment at some (often multiple) point in the movie, and it ALWAYS felt forced and pathetic, save for when the lines were coming out of the mouth of Tony Stark, who we know to be a man-child/asshat. Speaking of which, he takes more of a back seat in terms of "the ensemble", which is nice. Some cast members get shafted (Don Cheadle was in "Hotel Rwanda", for fuck's sake, and Thomas Kretschmann is an actor I adore and he gets about 8 lines, including 4 Whedon ones, and 6 minutes of screen time) but this is inevitable as they make way for new characters and juggle around old and new faces as the plot allows.

It's pretty "by the numbers" as far as it goes, it hits the beats correctly, it has a checklist of things to do, spiced up by the performances (as I said, of Spader, Renner and Ruffalo mostly) and nice polished action. The cast are for the most part great, though Samuel L Jackson is bored shitless and Chris Evans is starting to tire of his part. The mid-credits sequence (there is no post-credits one, I've saved you 10 minutes) is actually what got me most excited, and was a brief, but sweet, moment.

Now we get to Whedon.

Fucking Whedon.

There is a very famous exchange which gets nerds wetter than Niagara in Summer:

"Why do you write such strong female characters?"

"Because you keep asking me that question."

BULL.

FUCKING.

SHIT.

Let us count the female characters in this movie and describe their roles:

1. Scarlet Johansson as the Black Widow - Her "character development" is the revelation that she cannot have children (fucking classy stuff there Whedon, bring it back to motherhood) which really, really upsets her, and her romance with Banner, where she makes all the 1950s pinup kissy faces and basically begs to be fucked. Then he rescues her from a robot sex dungeon.

2. Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill - Minimal input, though her normally "stern, cool, collected" character has been replaced with "SASS AND SARCASM! LOL! AMIRITE?!" and Whedon can't resist the urge to show her bare feet.

3. Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff - Actually okay in terms of characters, she has an arc and some nice moments. Then she's a damsel rescued by her brother and Thor.

4. Claudia Kim as Dr Cho - A "brilliant scientist" reduced to going gooey-eyed over Thor and being kidnapped, brainwashed and wounded by Ultron. She is then rescued by Captain America.

5. Linda Cardellini as Hawkeye's wife - I don't even think that she gets a name. She is there to "support her man" and be pregnant. It's a shame, as I like Linda Cardellini.

Five. Five women in a cast. Wow. Fucking classy there Whedon. How's that "feminist angle" cutting out for you? 

It's a fun film, with nice little moments. These nitpicks are me fucking despising Whedon. and me cutting down the "best MOVIE EVAR!" arguments which will ensue. It's alright.