"Mortal Kombat" Review - From the Vaults

 "Mortal Kombat"

Cole Yeun (Lewis Tan, the sexy redeeming highlight of that piece of shit "Iron Fist") is a cage fighter who keeps losing, but still supports his wife and daughter. When Major Jackson Briggs (Mehcad Brooks) informs him that his dragon birthmark is the sigil marking him as one of Earthrealm's champions against the forces of Netherrealm, he is forced into an adventure to save existence itself, alongside a ragtag group of misfits.

This movie is a poorly plotted, exposition-laden "excuse plot" with thinly sketched characters, ludicrous gore, violence for the sake of it, concepts straight out of nowhere, and lunacy we are forced to be on board with.

And it's the perfect "Mortal Kombat" movie.

The makers know that the games are trash. The actors know that the games are trash. The writers know that the games are trash. They know that the audience wants recognisable characters (such as they are in these games) committing carnage on screen in excellent fight scenes.

So.

We get fireballs

Racist Australian laser eyes.

A man rides a vampire into a hat-saw.

Sub Zero stabbing a man with his own blood.

Why the fuck are you reading this?! 20 seconds after this shot, a man is stabbed to death with his own blood!

And Hiroyuki Motherfucking Sanada manages to sell the line "I came back from the depths of hell to take your life."

Characters look directly at the camera after performing acts of extermination and state "FATALITY" or "FLAWLESS VICTORY" practically winking all the while.

Mehcad Brooks is just one line away from being "Shaft" with superpowers. Josh Lawson is the scene-stealer as racist, quipping psychopathic Australian turbo-dick Kano; but Hiroyuki Sanada is Hiroyuki Fucking Sanada; Jessica McNamee is excellent as Sonya Blade; we get to see Hiroyuki Sanada fight Joe Taslim from "The Raid" (here playing Sub-Zero); the always great Chin Han and Tadanobu Asano are given little to do as Shang Tsung and Raiden, but have great fun anyway.

Our lead is a bland character, which is fine because Lewis Tan has enough charisma and fight skill to remain engaging, and he is there to introduce us to the fucking weird world around him.

It's a bloody, fun, stupid, EXCELLENT time and I highly recommend it.

On a serious note: I appreciate how they didn't force Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada to speak English, and allowed them to speak Japanese and Chinese.