"Avengers: Age of Chappie"

This will be a long status update. I shall be reviewing this movie as a movie in and of itself (as well as a sequel to "The Avengers" and other Marvel movies made thus far) and then in relation to the works and perception (both public and personal) of the hypocritical cunt-warbler cum cult-leader Joss Whedon. I will preface it by stating that there will be spoilers, and that these 3 facts are important to consider throughout this read:

1. My showing was about 2/3 women/girls, including a little girl accompanied by her father. This will be important later.

2. I did, on the whole, enjoy the movie, before people get up in my grill about being a "hipster" or contrarian.

3. I fucking despise Joss Whedon and the fan worship surrounding him.

The spectacle was nice, there were some impressive fights, especially a "stripped down" sequence within Stark's penthouse and the final confrontation. It's all very glossy, impressively shot and with some nice little quirks and touches thrown in. However, the action was spoiled somewhat by a very simple fact:

I didn't care.

Not in a truly terrible way, I just had not vested stakes or interests, for I knew that each and every one of these characters was going to make it out in the end. Stark was going to survive, Rogers was going to survive, Dr Banner was going to survive, Thor was going to survive, and so on. 

James Spader has always been a fucking delight on screen. He is a menacing, intriguing, charming screen presence whatever he is in, and here he is on top form. His character was actually the one I was rooting for, for reasons we shall go into soon. Otherwise, I really enjoyed Jeremy Renner more in this one. He added some much needed humanity, gravitas and emotion to the proceedings, and Ruffalo's Hulk has just grown far more in this one, enjoying more screen time and not succumbing to any "Whedon" writing, the two of them felt like characters in their own right. Yet whilst we have seen the Avengers and can kind of describe them, here the dialogue began to very obviously turn "Whedon-like" very, very quickly. Every character (and I do mean every single character...) had some sarcastic quip or cute little "oh look how self aware we are! Teehee!" line/moment at some (often multiple) point in the movie, and it ALWAYS felt forced and pathetic, save for when the lines were coming out of the mouth of Tony Stark, who we know to be a man-child/asshat. Speaking of which, he takes more of a back seat in terms of "the ensemble", which is nice. Some cast members get shafted (Don Cheadle was in "Hotel Rwanda", for fuck's sake, and Thomas Kretschmann is an actor I adore and he gets about 8 lines, including 4 Whedon ones, and 6 minutes of screen time) but this is inevitable as they make way for new characters and juggle around old and new faces as the plot allows.

It's pretty "by the numbers" as far as it goes, it hits the beats correctly, it has a checklist of things to do, spiced up by the performances (as I said, of Spader, Renner and Ruffalo mostly) and nice polished action. The cast are for the most part great, though Samuel L Jackson is bored shitless and Chris Evans is starting to tire of his part. The mid-credits sequence (there is no post-credits one, I've saved you 10 minutes) is actually what got me most excited, and was a brief, but sweet, moment.

Now we get to Whedon.

Fucking Whedon.

There is a very famous exchange which gets nerds wetter than Niagara in Summer:

"Why do you write such strong female characters?"

"Because you keep asking me that question."

BULL.

FUCKING.

SHIT.

Let us count the female characters in this movie and describe their roles:

1. Scarlet Johansson as the Black Widow - Her "character development" is the revelation that she cannot have children (fucking classy stuff there Whedon, bring it back to motherhood) which really, really upsets her, and her romance with Banner, where she makes all the 1950s pinup kissy faces and basically begs to be fucked. Then he rescues her from a robot sex dungeon.

2. Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill - Minimal input, though her normally "stern, cool, collected" character has been replaced with "SASS AND SARCASM! LOL! AMIRITE?!" and Whedon can't resist the urge to show her bare feet.

3. Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff - Actually okay in terms of characters, she has an arc and some nice moments. Then she's a damsel rescued by her brother and Thor.

4. Claudia Kim as Dr Cho - A "brilliant scientist" reduced to going gooey-eyed over Thor and being kidnapped, brainwashed and wounded by Ultron. She is then rescued by Captain America.

5. Linda Cardellini as Hawkeye's wife - I don't even think that she gets a name. She is there to "support her man" and be pregnant. It's a shame, as I like Linda Cardellini.

Five. Five women in a cast. Wow. Fucking classy there Whedon. How's that "feminist angle" cutting out for you? 

It's a fun film, with nice little moments. These nitpicks are me fucking despising Whedon. and me cutting down the "best MOVIE EVAR!" arguments which will ensue. It's alright.

"Mine" Review - From the Vaults

Laura Clayourne is an ordinary, middle-class lady reviewing books in her spare time whilst her incredibly successful husband is at work. She is also about to give birth, and is having second thoughts about her life: what has she achieved? What can she say is actually hers? What is merely owned by her husband? What can she offer this baby?

Mary Terrell is living in a run down apartment, still wanted for her part in a violent, brutal terrorist cell from the 60s, of which she is one of the only survivors. She read an innocuous, innocent message in the paper, and believes it to be from her lover, and leader, "Lord Jack". She must meet him, and bring him the baby that she promised him. Mary Terrell is quite devoted, and quite mad...

This book had legitimately the most horrifying, upsetting, brilliant opening chapters I have ever read. I knew from those first few pages that Mary Terrell would be one of the best villains I have ever had to follow. She is mesmerising, and unpredictable in the best way.

It uses tension and suspense in the perfect way: you know that the worlds of these two women are going to collide, and that when they do it will be explosive, catastrophic and oh so very dangerous. You're waiting, seeing how it'll happen, getting into their heads, following their lives and waiting for it to shatter. Mary is a force of nature, but Laura becomes one...

Even when it settles into its groove of a chase/road movie and starts adding in some other characters and side plots, I was already hooked and actually kind of welcomed them, if only as a respite from the Mary chapters where I was legitimately concerned for the safety of certain people... The way this book is written, it could have been a downer ending, and without spoiling anything...

Yeah, this was the first Robert McCammon I read. Needless to say I enjoyed it. Give it a whirl.

"Roujin Z" Review - From the Vaults

 In the not too distant future, there is a very real problem: too many people are elderly. The economy and healthcare system cannot keep up, and nobody wants to look after their elderly relatives, especially since there's no money in it.

So the public health department showcase their new idea: Z-001, an automated hospital bed, care system and nurse all in one. It feeds! It cleans! It bathes! It entertains! It's run by a complex AI and nuclear core!

Wait what?

The patient chosen to test run this system is one Kijuro Takazawa, a widower signed off by his next of kin and cared for by student nurse Haruko Mitsuhashi, and it becomes very quickly clear that this will lead to a dehumanisation of care services and relegate people to useless vegetables and "problems", a problem which has totally aged terribly... 

Then things start to go off the rails, and the machine takes on a life of its own, the life of Takazawa's deceased wife Haru, more specifically...

Written by Katsuhiro Otomo (and you can tell) and directed by Hiroyuki Kitakubo ("Blood: The Last Vampire" and "Golden Boy), with art by legend and mastermind Satoshi Kon, it's a sprawling comedy adventure about age and clash between humanity, technology and the view of elderly people as "a problem"; and with a side order of militarisation by insidious right wing elements for good measure.

It's a brief watch, and very much a product of 1991, but still bites hard and is great fun throughout. For years it wasn't available on DVD, so I'm glad to finally have a copy. If you get a chance, give it a go: the humour may not be for everybody's tastes (you can tell it's from the maker of "Golden Boy") but it's got that Osamu Tezuka charm and the aforementioned themes going for it.

"Blue Ruin" Review - From the Vaults

 Dwight is a dishevelled drifter living in his car. Cops tell him that the man who murdered his parents 20 years ago, Wade Cleland, has just been released from prison. Dwight heads out to get revenge, kick starting a spiralling turn of violent events which will escalate beyond anybody's control...

From Jeremy Saulnier, the director of the truly genius "Green Room", this is something of an old school revenge thriller focused on detail and grittier, more realistic matters. Characters have to work out how to treat themselves, violence is messy and chaotic, people miss, revenge begets revenge. At its core it's a depressing story about family, buoyed by performances and darkly Coen-esque humour throughout. Macon Blair (Saulnier's frequent collaborator, who played one of the skinheads in "Green Room") is excellent, and this movie is just a tense, atmospheric tour de force I can highly recommend.

"Perfect Blue" Review - From the Vaults

 Mima Kirigoe is one third of a pop-trio called "CHAM!", but the pop idol wishes to do something more. Thus she leaves the group to become an actress, with the full support of her agent Tadokoro and her band mates Yukiko and Rei, but to enormous public backlash. She begins to receive threatening letters, discovers a website which tracks her every move and pretends to be written by her, and it affects her work on her first project. 

Then people in Mima's life begin to turn up dead, and she struggles to tell what is real and what is fictional...

This is the set-up for "Perfect Blue", the first movie by my favourite director Satoshi Kon. And boy is it a belter.

This movie is a terrifying, delirium inducing rollercoaster that has only gotten better with age. The only thing that dates it is Mima's manager giving her a rundown on how dial up modems work and what a website is: aside from that adorable detail, the idea of celebrity and falsehood, and public perceptions versus one's own identity, have only become more relevant than ever. The editing is incredible: you the audience are thrust into the mind of Mima, or perhaps the killer, as it blends her acting work, her real life and her nightmares together, until you too cannot tell where one ends and another begins, and it becomes very obvious why Mima is being driven mad by all of this. 

The film makers put details into everything, from Mima's adorable flat and what lies within it adding to her character, to the outfits, lighting and camera angles in scenes making it look like a big budget Hollywood production, more accurately an Alfred Hitchcock film. Hell, one of the lazier box quotes says "If Alfred Hitchcock had made a Disney movie" which, yikes guys... Make sure to check out the bonus features too! There's the most wholesome video of the Japanese actresses playing "CHAM!" recording "Angel of Love" and one of them is SO INTO IT it becomes infectious.

The influences it has had on other projects are glaringly obvious (the bathtub scene was ripped straight out of this and placed into "Black Swan") and honestly it is far more ambitious than many films of its time and since. My absolute favourite shot is right at the start:

CHAM! are performing their final concert, and we cut to the view of a creepy fan, who squints and holds up his hand, so it looks as if Mima is dancing and performing in the palm of his hand, like a doll... It's creepy imagery like that which keeps you on edge, blending with the awesome and still comprehensible, clear plot; as it ratchets up and climbs higher and higher to the heights of well-earned bloody insanity and carnage. There's a moment in a lift which, damn son...

I cannot adequately put into words how unsettling and brilliant this shot is

When I showed this to my fiancee, she merely asked "Ari Aster remake when?" and once you see this, you will know why...

It would be remiss of me to mention the eclectic soundtrack, part party bops for CHAM! used to surprisingly creepy effect, part anxiety-attack-condensed-into-a-musical score (holy hell that chase at the end gives me nightmares) which blends together seamlessly despite feeling ripped from different movies. Almost as if it ties into the idea of whiplash and being brought from one reality to another, the worlds of manufactured pop, mental illness and reality colliding...

Yeah, please watch this movie.

Oh! In the dub, Mima is played by Ruby Marlowe, who was the model for the now-infamous poster for "Evil Dead", and Wendee Lee plays her manager Rumi.

(Editor's Note: I'll probably come back to this. Satoshi Kon is my favourite film maker and I want to make a retrospective of everything that he has done)

"Kong: Skull Island" Review - From the Vaults

 "Viet Kong: Skull Island" (I love that pun too much to give it up now) is a great, fun film made by massive, massive nerds. The opening scene of this movie has an air force pilot duelling a Japanese pilot whilst wearing a jacket with the slogan from "Akira" on it. You will know if you want to watch this movie from what I just told you in that sentence. There's a boat called "Grey Fox", Samuel L Jackson says his "hold onto your butts" line, there are two shots straight out of an FPS video game, and John C Reilly katana-duels a giant lizard. It's that kind of movie.

Rather than merely claiming to be a 'Nam movie, or being "set in the 70s", by just having a half-arsed skin job and the occasional song (I'm looking at you, "X-Men Apocalypse"), this movie embraces both genres wholeheartedly. It's a Vietnam movie which happens to have Kong show up, as opposed to a King Kong movie which happens to have "Creedence" play at one point. They embrace the 'Nam stuff. There's a rocking soundtrack, napalm, choppers, toxic gas grenades, Toby Kebbell writing a letter to his family, Easy E just wanting to go home, the whole works. Shea Whigham even gives a surprisingly good story about war crimes and the futility of war, how mankind searches for an enemy until it drives him to madness. He was one of my favourite characters.

No context Tom Hiddleston. Also: this movie is gorgeous

We follow a bunch of surprisingly fun characters (Dr Dre, Easy E, Hipster Rambo, The Chick from Great Wall, Shea Whigham's "Corporal Zero Shits Given" and a few other pieces of cannon fodder) in three groups: Tom Hiddleston and Brie Larson (who gets to be a badass with a flare gun) leading "Team Science", Toby Kebbell finally being given a good movie but being left on his own in the abandoned wreck of a helicopter and trying to decide if he's from the South or not, and Samuel L Jackson leading Walter Sobchak (from his 'Nam days), Easy E, Corporal Zero Shits and others on a Moby Dick-esque odyssey into madness and the horrors of war. It wastes no time in getting us to the island, it gives us character depth as we go along, and pretty good at subverting which of these dudes will and will not make it (though, if you saw the trailer then you know what becomes of Whigham...)

Then there is what we came for:

The Viet Kong.

This ape don't fuck about. Like Phil Tuffnell  on crack, he's hurling choppers into each other, taking napalm like he's Phillip Schofield on a night out, beating aforementioned lizards round the skull with rocks and generally being a badass.

It helps that this movie is gorgeously shot, there are so many frames which look like watercolour paintings, and that we can actually see the fight sequences.

How this isn't a 15 is some kind of miracle. We see men burned with napalm, half-digested skulls, John C Reilly with a beard; this is great!

Also, it's refreshing to see Jackson getting given good roles again, he's unhinged and intense in this. He needs to play the bad guy more often. 

Yes, one or two of the references are a little on the nose (King Kong becoming ensnared in chains, "Conrad" and "Marlowe" being the author and lead of "Heart of Darkness") but it's a fun, fun movie which embraces all that makes Kong and its cast great.

Plus, awesome soundtrack.

"Sorcerer" Review - From the Vaults

 Four strangers, in their own vignettes, end up fleeing to South America. Broke, desperate and hating this accursed place, they fester and scrape by. The town's only source of income is the oil industry, and one of their wells has blown and needs to be capped. Unfortunately the only dynamite has been improperly stored and is leaking nitroglycerine: the slightest bump will set it off. And this dynamite has to be transported across 200 miles of jungle, in two rickety trucks. With no other options and a way out of this mess, the four strangers get their way onto the trucks, two men to each, and begin this perilous journey.

A movie about four dudes driving through the jungle. Riveting stuff. 

But genuinely this movie is a masterclass in tension. You know that one or both of these trucks are going to explode, since you have basic story telling instincts, so question becomes one of "when". You get attached to these four men, both from their vignettes at the start and their interactions with each other before and during the mission, you want each of them to survive.

Well, Kassem is the least interesting or developed of the four, and I'm including Nilo the mysterious hitman who we learn next to nothing about and is awesome, but that's a minor quibble. 

It's a gritty, grimy, nasty journey through the woods, where simple things like trees and a muddy bank become the most deadly enemies known to man; and the soundtrack is an ear-melting score by Tangerine Dream, especially effective in ramping up the madness and delirium towards the end when it becomes psychedelic and a descent into true exhaustion and insanity. Plus there's a cameo by Joe Spinnell!

"The Guest" Review - From the Vaults

The Petersons are your typical small town American family. Father Spencer works hard and late, and is drinking more and more, mother Laura mourns her eldest son Caleb, who died in Afghanistan, whilst Luke is bullied at school and daughter Anna (Maika fuckmothering Monroe) is working as a waitress.

A charming young man named David (Dan Stevens) arrives. He was in Caleb's unit, knew Caleb well, and says that he asked him to come in and check up on his family. Still in mourning, they are happy to have somebody to talk to, and help move on from all of this. Hell, David seems to fit right into the slot left behind by Caleb! But there is something strange about David...

This movie is fantastic fun and is worth it for Dan Stevens alone. He moves like a lizard, he's actually chilling in this movie, using his piercing blue stare to excellent effect, whilst actually being charming: you believe that he'd be somebody the family would warm to.

When shit kicks off, it's so cathartic, so fun, so witty and well done, you're actually kind of rotting for this cross between Michael Meyers and The Terminator. Despite being in the modern day, it feels like a lean 80s thriller/slasher movie, but without the boring bullshit. It's SO MUCH FUN!

Damn this movie rocks

"Pride and Prejudice" Review - From the Vaults

 "Pride and Prejudice", after all of the hype and expectation I had going into it, was well, well worth the wait. I found myself enjoying it an awful lot despite the lack of tits, violence and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Lizzie, at times a strong independent woman and at others a complete fucking tool (You know, like a well-developed character), is an unmarried woman with four unmarried sisters. You know, the equivalent of a neighbour who plays drum and bass and strangled a teenager in a bar fight in this period. She meets another total fucking tool named Darcy, whose toolness may be a charade...

Why am I telling you this? Everybody knows the plot.

That Wickham fellow was a total fucking pleb, one who I would never tire of seeing stuffed into a fridge and molested by a marauding gang of horny badgers. Further proof, if ever any were needed, that less is often more in terms of villains. That he ended up with Lydia (SPOILERS) was comeuppance enough however, that girl seemed to be playing STD bingo and trying to find new fresh ways to infuriate me. It was intentional, however, so I'll let it slide, especially since she's fucked over that fuck-stick Wickham for life.

That Mary remained single is a travesty of the highest order, tempered only somewhat by Mr Bennet being one of the greatest dads ever conceived, and a true saint of the highest order. How he put up with Alison Steadman (playing the same character from "Abigail's Party", but run through the mill of 19th century Chav) without burning down the entire county is nothing short of a miracle.

Alison Steadman is a national treasure.

David Bamber also needs more work. Mr Collins was a sleazy, oily, limp-wristed delight. Viewed as a "Rome" sequel or "Psychoville" prequel, his character makes even more sense.

...

So, it was pretty good I guess.

"Sense and Sensibility" Review - From the Vaults

 So, "Sense and Sensibility"...

It's like the porn parody of "Pride and Prejudice", but without the porn. 

There's these two sisters, played by Barney Thomson's mum and Rose from Titanic, who live in the house of the foreman from The Full Monty. He dies in the first five minutes, leaving the house in the care of Hugo from the Vicar of Dibley and his bitch wife. So now the two of them are forced to live with the late Robert Hardy and his wife, the two best characters of the film.

Mrs Barney Thomson is trying her best to keep shit together, and even falls for Hugh Grant, but he has to leave. She also meets a lovely Colonel played by Hans Gruber, who delivers every line as if he's in a thriller, which is amazing. 

"How was India, Colonel Brandon?"

"The air. Is filled with spices."

I mean, Jesus Brandon, the little girl asked you a question, there's no need to frighten the every-loving buggery out of me.

Meanwhile, her sister is being a slag on the moors, when she meets some fuck-boy named Willoughby. The guy proves that he's a massive tool  when he swans about on a horse with his collar open and immediately goes touching the calves and ankles of Winslet. I mean, Jesus Christ lady, why don't you give him a handjob whilst you're at it?! Can't you see that he's a fuck-boy, and that there's a very nice Colonel Brandon whose HEART YOU ARE RIPPING APART IN YOUR HARLOTRY?!

...

Again, I got heavily invested in this movie.

"The Purge: Election Year" Review - From the Vaults

 "The Purge: Election Year" is phenomenal and should be seen immediately.

Look, I know that these movies will not win new converts, and the advertising is low-key, so if you did not enjoy "The Purge: Anarchy" then stay away.

If, however, you want a nasty, snarling, brutally nihilistic view of mankind and the depths of darkness in the human soul, then you're in for a treat!

For this is not just a movie which takes the concept of "legal crime" and rolls with it, showcasing the nastiness of mankind with aplomb and creativity, but does so with colour, spectacle and a way which is jam-packed with satire. It touches upon race, class, wealth, faith, capitalism, the American Dream and idealism against pragmatism in this cynical and violent world we live in, whilst also adding creative touches regarding the core concept (murder tourists, a paramedic who helps out, what the gangs get up to in all of this).

Yet that is not the true magnificence.

Yes, these things when put together create a movie that is at times fun, at times disturbing and at times clever, but it is the structure and core character which makes this:

Frank Grillo.

He makes being an action movie star look easy, and is surrounded by likeable, lovable characters who you REALLY, REALLY don't want to die, making you actually care when they do. Remember when movies did that? He fights Neo-Nazis, just in case you felt bad about him murdering the enemy with punch-daggers, guns and a secret suitcase bomb.

This is an action movie not afraid of showing violence. This is an action movie featuring a knife-fight with a Neo Nazi in a car park. This is an action movie featuring competent henchmen. This is an action movie where Frank Grillo (whose name sounds like a Batman villain and who also could easily play, and probably IS, Batman) makes the act of reloading seem cool. This is a movie where he teams up with Bubba from "Forrest Gump" and we get the line:

"I like black folk, but I can't let you kill these white people. These are OUR white people."

This is a movie which I was having an absolute blast throughout. It mixes all of the B-movie genres of old into a blender, flicks "puree" and the results are magnificent.

"Shoplifters" Review - From the Vault

 "Shoplifters" is a wonderfully sweet and well observed little film I can highly recommend.

Sakura Ando has always been a brilliant actress ("Love Exposure" is far too long, but she blows everybody else out of the water in it, and "For Love's Sake" is great) and here is front and centre stage in a lovely movie about weird families, poverty and the search for connection and kindness. It's great.

...

...

THAT BEING SAID

I check out Wikipedia to see if I know the director for anything else, and his first English-language film was released last year. Who does it star?

ETHAN.

FUCKING.

HAWKE.

Never will i be rid of this man.

"Suicide Squad" Review - From the Vaults

 So, "Suicide Squad..."

If this were made in the 90s (which it feasibly could have been, keeping the Will Smith character, replacing Leto with Matthew Lillard, replacing Robbie with Alyssa Milano, casting Freddie Prinze Junior as El Diablo etc) with the same plot line, style and soundtrack (give or take a few of the more modern songs), this would have been ahead of its time and pretty good.

As it stands, it's messy and clunky, with big pacing issues particularly at the start, but still fairly fun and watchable, carried by the charm of its cast and the few moments when the film is allowed to breathe. The villain is absolutely awful: They have two conflicting plans (I think) and about as many minutes of proper screen time, and I am struggling to remember a single thing about them, their motivations or their lines.

The fight scenes are fun, if also cluttered, and there are a few bright moments and colourful things going on to keep it afloat. There's a sort of funky, neon coloured graphic for each squad member with a quirky fact about them, the colour scheme is something other than black or very dark grey, and a few lines here and there do make me chuckle. Plus there is a simple joy in this sort of set up (Fiery Mexican gangster, Will Smith, annoying pop cultural void, Adewale Akkinouye Agbaje, the dude from the Robocop remake, a shitbag armed with boomerangs and a 90s anime depiction of Japan go forth on an adventure from which few of them shall return) 

Will Smith can carry this sort of part in his sleep, and Robbie makes what has ALWAYS been an irritating character into something watchable and not too grating. For every one of her gags that misfire, she has one which hits. Her arc isn't too horrific either.

Smith lands a good line every time he's required to make a joke, he's still as charming as he always is, and it's a wise move to make him the lead character. 

Joel Kinnaman, looking very much like an addled heroin addict taking on the form of a badger in a military fetish outfit, takes on the part of straight man, and has a somewhat interesting arc and pulls off his part admirably. 

Adewale Akkinouye Agbaje is ALWAYS a terrifying force of ungodly nature on screen, and it is only by his good graces that the part of Killer Croc succeeds. They're trying to go for a Drax the Destroyer vibe, but with a playful undercurrent, but most of his lines backfire, and it would have been nicer to have the man remain silent, or say some actual Adewale Akkinouye Agbaje lines. He still got the odd chuckle out of me.

I know literally three things about Cara Delavigne: she's frequently in the celebrity section of the i, she has a stupid name (both in this movie and in real life), and she is in this film. That is how much of an impact she makes.

Viola Davis actually is another who brings something to the table. Her character is unnerving and a bit of a knob, to be honest, and it's an excellent example of the true "grey area" that this film was trying to convey. I really wanted more of her.

But the star of the show, for me at least, was also indicative of the problems of the film. 

Captain Boomerang is played by Jai Courtney, and he is actually the one character (aside from Deadshot) who I'd be interested in following a movie about. All of his jokes hit, he's fun, his part is zesty, he brings humour and joy to the screen, he's an unrelenting shit-bag who brings some sort of drama to the dynamic, he carries a pink fluffy unicorn for some reason (in a quirky touch that actually seemed to fit the tone of the movie and its director) and I watched the movie legitimately hoping that he would not die (fully aware that Will smith and Margot Robbie's characters were as safe as Fort Knox) . Heck, in the final battle, he throws an ordinary boomerang at the main villain and I legitimately hoped that it would actually kill them, as that would have been pretty funny.

But he's a problem here, because he's underused and interesting. Much like Karen Fukuhara's "Katana", who arrives seemingly from another movie (and is the WORST bodyguard since Kevin Costner) only to be sidelined for everything save the fight scenes, despite being WAY more interesting than many, and her backstory about a soul-stealing sword containing her dead husband and a one-woman war on all organised crime being dropped in a single sentence. That's not something that you can just throw in there like a boomerang, that's a pretty interesting thing.

Same for Jim Parrack (yes, Jim Parrack's in this) as the henchman of the Joker, alongside a dude dressed as a panda. What's their story? I'd kind of like to know how they got to this point in their lives.

The plot has a simple set up, a definite end goal, and yet a muddled way of going about it. The gang seem to find out the power of friendship rather quickly and the introductions of the characters come thick and fast. 

But the soundtrack is good. It's not "Neon Demon" good, but is has a few gems in there even if it does have WAY too many music cues, as if trying to out-gun James Gunn. It does play "Fortunate Son", which made me happy, and there is some AC/DC in there.

It's a fun B-movie which is good for a couple of hours of entertainment. Take your brain out and watch one sitcom character (seriously, it's nice to find a movie that Jai Courtney feels at home in after all these attempts to make him a leading man)  and his buddies of varying interest go on a quest. Yes, it's a cynical attempt (more than most) to make Halloween costumes and play to success, but it's still fun.

I'll forget about it when I try to list the movies I saw this year, but it's not awful. This is certainly not (as one cro-magnon put it) worse than Fant4stic.

"Spree" Review - From the Vaults

 Kurt Kunkle (Joe Keery) is a driver for the taxi-app "Spree", but his real dream is to become a social media star. Yet nobody seems to watch his videos, save Bobby the kid he babysat (who is now a social media superstar) and even then it seems only to pity and mock him. But over the course of one night, he has a plan to change all of that. With his car rigged with cameras, we follow, and are indeed trapped with, Kurt in "kurtsworld96" over the course of a strange day...

I liked this movie a lot, but I'll preface by telling you all that it is not for everybody. The gimmick is that it's done entirely through a livestream and the occasional CCTV camera or other person's phone, and it uses this to full effect. But the reason it's not for all of you is that it is a vicious and snarling satire which is very much on the nose: early on some of the passengers' writing is a tad clunky, but it gets them across. 

We follow Kurt as he desperately chases trends, begs to be liked, covets the dream of media celebrity and online persona with every fibre of his being. And the genius is in casting Joe Keery, who goes for this 110%: the supernaturally charming and likeable Steven Harrington is here the most pathetic, awful psychopath he could possibly be, unable to discern reality from delusion; and manufacturing his own twisted, shallow plastic reality, imitating those around him as if they are what he should aspire to be. And all throughout, we are trapped there with him on this journey, and maybe the person he hates is himself...

The audience he craves are convinced all of this is fake, and Kurt is furiously attempting to "appear real" in his manufactured authenticity, and even when things get messy that line is blurred and stepped over...

But there is never a moment of personal triumph for Kurt, we never think "fuck yeah", and neither do we see him grow or even want him to. He also never is made to be empathised with, he's too needy, too desperate, too shallow, too empty for that. His journey is one of a downward spiral (in parallel with his rise), and in the moments where one would normally empathise with this sort of character (chiefly where he drives his dad, played by David Arquette, and what was the last thing you saw him in which wasn't Courtney Cox?), we instead watch him consume himself and push away humanity. His interactions with people are solely to further his channel, and what he thinks people want, but he has no identity or core values of his own, he has no personality to speak of, not really.

It's a good "Joker", in that regard. Remember the messy message of that relatively mediocre movie and how it was grasping at attempts at depth, wherein it tried desperately to be "deep" and "about something", whilst simultaneously claiming it was nihilistic and "cool" but simply echoing better people it had seen before it, nodding its head when people called it "original"?

"Spree", to me at least, is an answering call to that. At least "Spree" is INTENTIONALLY doing those things with its lead character.

This would make an excellent double bill with either "Ingrid Goes West" or, if you're feeling lazy, "American Psycho".

The movie is not subtle (don't let humanity run away from you, don't worship social media stars, the internet is a cesspit, people will worship psychopaths, celebrity is a fleeting and amorphous thing, the technical age is a whole barrel of yikes) but it doesn't have to be. The comments in it are fantastic, I want to watch it again just to read some of those, and its supporting cast are uniformly good, whilst some of them early on are bordering on cartoonish and under-cooked. The gimmick is executed extremely well and the makers have clearly done their research, and it never outstays its welcome, though there is a slight dip over the halfway point which it recovers from, and it actually gets to the central business of its plot SURPRISINGLY quickly.

 It's a movie about chasing clout, and a parasite in the digital age, and Joe Keery is fucking great in this.

"Tenet" Review - From the Vaults

 "TENET"

An unnamed agent (literally referred to in universe as "Protagonist"), played by John David Washington, joins a secretive organisation to respond to a time-travel based plot to end the world, all hinging on a Russian oligarch (Kenneth Branagh) who may be able to speak to the future.

There you go, I've given you in one sentence what the movie takes 2 and 1/2 hours to not tell us.

"TENET" is a movie of impressive set pieces (there is a fantastic opening sequence in an opera house, and a fun car chase among others) and a plot to be dissected for years to come; what we now expect from a Nolan movie.

But it's a soulless affair.

John David Washington is given nothing to work with, and the script is exposition throughout. Three separate characters say some variation of "are you confused? Don't worry" and of our main cast (John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Kenneth Branagh and Dimple Kapadia) only one clearly had their name said: Neil (Robert Pattison) and he is the best character. 

Don't get me wrong, this is an impressive movie and it flies by, but it is a cold and rather empty affair when compared to his previous works: remember how in "Inception" we knew in the first twenty minutes what the goal was, who Cobb was and why he needed to do it? And we had his team somewhat characterised? (Arthur was the smooth right hand man, Ariadne was the newbie surrogate, Saito the pimp daddy Watanabe, Eames the camp con man etc) Well here that's not really there in the same way. 

It flies straight into it and doesn't really let up, with the aforementioned set pieces, and the two and a half hours flew by, but I found it lacking. Other viewings will DEFINITELY reveal more.

Oh, and the sound mixing is fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

But who gives a shit about sound mixing?

Nobody.

So imagine how shit it is that I am noticing it.

Film's a solid 7/10.

"The New Mutants" Review - From the Vaults

I'm gonna be that guy.

"The New Mutants" focuses on Dani Moonstar (Blu Hunt), a Cheyenne Mutant who survives a massacre at her reservation and wakes up in a strange old hospital run by the enigmatic Dr Cecelia Reyes (Alice Braga), who tells her that she is here to be trained and studied so that she may one day be free. Also present are nice Catholic Irish girl Rahne Sinclair (Maisie Williams); nice guy with bruises and his arm in a cast Sam Guthrie (Charlie Heaton); sexy rich Brazilian Bobby da Costa (Henry Zaga); and Eastern European bully and best character Illyana Rasputin (Anya Taylor-Joy), who talks to a sock puppet of a dragon named Lockheed and makes it her mission to strike out against this new arrival. But this facility may not be what it seems, and their pasts may catch up with them...

Okay, this is a product of nearly five years of fuck ups, studio interference, reshoots, dickery and "Fantfourstic" levels of dis-functional: scenes seem random, the horror elements are not scary, the characters weakly sketched for the most part, the tone inconsistent.

But I fucking defend this movie.

Pictured: Our Queen and some other fucking losers

I don't hate it or deride it, I pity it, it's a fucking miracle this got released in the first place. There is enough vision and creativity on display here to carry it for the most part. You can tell that it was supposed to be about 5 different broken teens confronting their fears and their own burgeoning powers, as well as each other, culminating in their escape and final act of insanity (which I WILL GET TO!).

There are enough details here to see what they were trying to do: Guthrie has his arm in a cast and a constant black eye, unable to control his powers and believing he belongs in here; da Costa asking him how it was in the mines, and a nice dichotomy of character there (even if it comes RIGHT AFTER Maisie Williams literally introduces the gang and their backstories in an exposition monologue); the bully Rasputin making up for her horrifying past and disregard for the authorities who have fucked her all her life by taking it out on the new kid, yet finding solace in a childhood hand puppet; da Costa being here because his parents wanted to "cure him" and more.

Yet the scenes, whilst flowing surprisingly well in terms of the narrative they MEANT to get, seem random. The interference is abundantly clear. The final act is an explosive and dynamic fight between a Demon Bear and a bunch of ragtag misfits and their imaginary dragon (which is honestly something I would write), jarring and at odds with the attempted "Nightmare on Elm Street 3" vibe they were going for. If I were to, on an ordinary day, tell you that there is a movie where nightmare smiley people and a demon bear do battle with a werewolf, a human cannonball, the Human Torch, a Native American lesbian and Anya Taylor-Joy wielding a magic sword; you'd probably be down for that: RIGHT up until I told you it was aiming to be a horror movie.

The diversity of the cast is a welcome touch (even if da Costa was apparently black in the books) down to way better LGBT representation than one would expect normally in this; but as I said it comes across as what it is: the product of a long and arduous fight between studios and director.

Then there is the saving grace.

Anya Taylor-Joy.

She plays Rasputin as a cross between the mean girl in a prison movie, and a genuinely broken trauma victim, balancing it perfectly, and even managing to make the ridiculous finale land, where she wields a magic sword one moment to fight the demon bear in order to buy time for her friends/fellow inmates to escape, whilst also being too traumatised to fight the lesser demons personal to her and tormenting her her entire life, taking solace in teleporting away after anguish and speaking with her puppet Lockheed.

We don't deserve Anya Taylor-Joy, can we at least (as a species) get her a gift basket or something?

This is the most frustrating movie of the last few years.

And I'll defend it.

"Godzilla: King of the Monsters" Review - From the Vaults

So the first part of tonight's double bill was "Godzilla: King of the Monsters". I apologise in advance, as I write this whilst listening to my new CD.

No "MechaGodzilla" or Eborah. 0/10

Go into this as a fanboy of the original Godzilla movies and you'll be okay: Mothrafucker, Rodan (who in this version is just a dick, seriously, it's kind of amazing: he eats pilots when he's already taken out the plane, and takes out planes through dickish moves, he's a fucking Chris Jherek level dick, he's great) and KING MOTHRA-FUCKING GHIDORAH are great. There is a lot of personality put into the monsters, who each get moments to shit and have a good time; and the final act is fucking great.

But the movie as a whole is just not great.

If it had embraced the B-movie dialogue (Charles Dance as Captain JONAH says the line "God has nothing to do with this.", and Bradley Whitford is fucking great as borderline alcoholic cynic dude) which included such pre-electirc breath lines as "Awwwwwwww shit!" and Tywin Lannister (because of course he's the villain in this, Game of Hype has just ended after all) saying:

"LONG LIVE THE KING!"

Then it would have been great. As it stands, there is no real reason to care about dudes besides the actors: Ken Watanabe comes back and is awesome by virtue of being Ken Watanabe, Kyle Chandler and Millie Bobby Brown are  at the usual top of their game with what they are given, a bored Vera Farmiga is still a highlight in ANY movie. If they had even gone the route of "Black Guy! Nerd Guy! Hero Guy! Ken Watanabe!" B-movie stereotype (which they come close to with Whitford) it would have been "Skull Island" levels of great.

As it stands it's a fucking GORGEOUS  monster movie with AWESOME shots of our titular Titans in the skies, where you wait for the next stupid fight. Unplug your brain and you'll have a god time, but not as good a time as "Independence Day: Resurgence" or "Kong: Skull Island".

"The Broken Hearts Gallery" Review - From the Vaults

 "The Broken Hearts Gallery"

Lucy (Geraldine Viswanathan, the star of the show in "Blockers") is a young woman in New York aspiring to curate her own gallery, and who also has a personal problem: she holds onto stuff and objects from every single failed relationship she has ever had. When her latest boyfriend breaks up with her and she loses her job, an amusing chance encounter with a builder named Nick (Dacre Montgomery, sexy Billy from "Stranger Things") gives her an idea...

This movie is delightful.

Please watch it.

I said Geraldine Viswanathan would go far, and I am happy to be proven right, she is great in this. And her chemistry with Dacre Montgomery is electric (My fiancee actually went "FINALLY!" when they kissed) and it's worth it for her performance alone. It's a breezy script, witty and with rat-a-tat dialogue, the star of the show in the first half (and pretty much throughout actually) being Molly Gordon, who also was a stand out in "Booksmart" and "Good Boys". The dialogue is sharp, the jokes mostly land, and it's a sweet romantic comedy about moving on from heartbreak and learning from failures.

Between this and "Spree", cast members of "Stranger Things" are making great choices.

"Planetes" Review - From the Faults

 In the not too distant future of 2075, space travel has become commonplace - shuttles frequently orbit the Earth, and the moon is a colony unto itself.

The Technora Corporation is one of many helping to chart and profit from these brave new frontiers. Their most forgotten department, chronically understaffed and underfunded however, is The Space Debris Section, tasked with the vitally important role of recovering debris so it does not cause any damage, as it did when a single screw caused the destruction of an entire shuttle craft.

"Planetes" follows the life of Ai Tanabe from her first day in the Debris Section of Technora (nicknamed "Half Section" due to its staff and funding shortage and the stigma surrounding postings there), and the department's frustrating, ignored, unrewarding, poorly paid, but ultimately essential job.

The staff consist of her, Hachirota Hoshino (a slovenly grouch obsessed with space who dreams of owning his own spaceship, he is also voiced by the criminally underrated Kirk Thornton in one of the few leading roles he has); Fee Carmichael (the brash, spunky, chain smoking ship's captain and main pilot); Yuri Mikhairokov (the competent, compassionate and softly-spoken voice of reason in the office); Philippe Meyers (the jolly, but ageing and bumbling bureaucrat constantly concerned with his job and rising up the corporate ladder); Arvind Lavi (the joker and assistant manager, constantly looking out for chances to rise through the ladder and kissing the ass of superiors, but also looking out for his employees and trying to provide for seven children); and Edelgard Rivera (the office temp, an unreadable yet competent and secretive woman who terrifies even the managers); as well as others from outside of the office, in other departments and from outside.

Along the way, as they tackle bureaucracy, inter-departmental conflict, the lonesome and thankless nature of their job, illegal salvage operations, their own pasts and personal issues, Technora's ambitions, the construction of the first ever shuttle craft to Jupiter ("The Von Braun") and eventually a terrorist organisation who believe that mankind is greedily sweeping forth into space colonisation at the expense of class divisions and vast wealth gaps on Earth.

Among other things.

This series is wonderful.

It's about class divisions, and people. It contrasts optimism and idealism with practicality and the inherent greed and selfishness of the society we have build. It's a nuanced take: the corporate culture  is present and something which the characters are forced to live in and work under if they ever want to see the majesty of space. The "villains" of the series are destroying objects and infrastructure and putting life at risk, but they are absolutely in the right here: mankind is spending billions on The Von Braun and its trip to Jupiter whilst billions starve and suffer in the third world nations which are excluded from these programmes.

There's a moment when a scientist from the (fictional) third world nation of El Tanika comes aboard the station, hoping that somebody at Technora (the most advanced space exploration agency/company in the world) can spare the time to test his revolutionary spacesuit. Nobody gives him the time of day until he meets Half Section, who run the tests with him and prove that it works; only for security to arrive to take the man into protective custody since El Tanika has erupted into civil war and his life may be in danger. The man comes along willingly, despite the protests of Half Section, since he's achieved his dream: even the poorest men like he can go into space, and up here there are no borders, no wars, no boundary lines, nothing dividing mankind - and it cuts back to Earth to show the destruction and devastation in his home country, complete with lines of tanks facing off against each other... It's a poignant moment, but one of many.

Hachirota ends up in hospital on the moon, the reasons are not important, and an entire episode is devoted to simply him and the two patients he meets in hospital: Nono, a girl born on the moon but unable to ever leave since she will never survive outside of the moon's reduced gravity; and Harry Roland, an elderly living legend of space exploration who has developed cancer from the radiation in space. Whilst Harry is bitter, despondent and suicidal as a result of the one goal/dream he has followed turning upon him, and despises how space has turned upon him despite it being all he loved and lived for; Nono is upbeat and positive - she has always dreamed of visiting Earth, but is at peace with her situation here, she knows that the tests being run on her will some day help others, and she sees no point in dwelling on what you don't have. The two views are contrasted nicely, but never really judged.

We don't have starship battles or melodrama: we have the perils of office romance and the conundrum of how the characters write their wills and who they name as beneficiaries in their life insurance policies.

They don't encounter monsters or wormholes, but the perils of PTSD and ageing equipment, and the dilemma of what to do with the body of an astronaut who died in space but did not wish to be sent back home to his family, despite his now elderly relatives grateful for closure and expecting his body to be sent home.

It's a lovely character piece, a snapshot of humanity, and one of the sweetest series you'll follow. The characters are deep, engaging and nuanced, and the hard sci-fi elements never distract from its themes, messages or ideas:

People are wonderful, at their core.

Please watch "Planetes".

(Editor's Note: I am likely to return to this series, I may do it episode by episode, I love it so much)

"Shin Godzilla" Review - From the Vaults

 "Shin Godzilla"

Off the coast of Tokyo, something is in the water...

Prime Minister Sieiji Okochi (the late Ren Osugi, who has 445 CREDITS!) and his cabinet are initially perplexed by this. But as the data floods in, and the creature begins to move, it becomes apparent that this is a hereto unknown, horrifying beast from the depths of the ocean, and it has made its way onto land and is rampaging throughout Tokyo. As the government scrambles to figure out what to do, whose jurisdiction this falls under, how to respond and how best to fight this creature; we follow three middling members of government and their colleagues and teams as they contend with the logistics and infuriating bureaucracy of dealing with this creature, and the realisation that they may not be able to stop it at all...

My love affair began... This woman is the most memable part of the movie.

This movie is fucking great, and especially pertinent in the midst of a global pandemic. Shot with frequent names and place locations on screen to give it the look of a documentary, it's razor sharp.

Early on there is footage of Godzilla emerging from the water, captured on film and on the news, and when The Deputy Director of the Nature Conservation Bureau Hiromi Ogashira (confined to the corner and played by my home girl Mikako Ichikawa) points out that it's going to step out onto land and begin moving, she is brushed off and dismissed without question. In the very next scene it begins to step on land. Even experts are reticent to offer thoughts and theories for fear of damaging their reputations, the Prime Minister puts on a performative act of requesting a "uniform" of a HAZMAT suit for his speech, there are frequent press conferences; evacuations of city districts are broken down into their GDP and profitability, and even amongst the team of ragtag experts assembled (solely because they are good but no other departments want them, due to being misfits or disrespectful or not playing into the political games) Ogashira is laughed at and there are arguments and pounding of fists against the fenceposts of red tape and holdups from higher ups - the team predict methods to defeat Godzilla but are made to channel it through Rando, then through his buddy Hideki Akasaka (Yutaka Takenouchi) who is an aide to the Prime Minister but still concerned about public response and perceptions to the crisis, as well as his own position. That is not even getting into Kayoco Anne Patterson (Satomi Ishihara), Special Envoy to the United States, whose country withholds help until they get something in return, despite possibly knowing what caused this creature...

There's a scene where a van tells people to evacuate, whilst they run past to get a closer look at Godzilla in crowds.

The Chinese government only offer supplies when they are bought from them.

The government departments plan for future cabinets and positions as a result of their actions here.

It's a savage movie, and rattles along at an electrifying pace, without even getting into how America wants to NUKE JAPAN AGAIN to kill Godzilla, or the excellent shots and effects which evoke old school Godzilla fun. The ending shot is a chilling one.

It's a great movie, and a TAD important to watch in these trying times. It's my favourite Godzilla, tied only with "Godzilla VS Mechagodzilla".