"Batman VS Superman: Dawn of Justice" Review - From the Vaults

"Man of Steel 2: Electric Boogaloo" is not a good movie. 

Let me have the easy jokes, please!

This is frustrating, as there is a good Ben Affleck fascist-vigilante movie in there somewhere, but it remains distant, mired by crap, like me trying to watch pornography when I haven't cleaned my glasses.

It suffers from all of the same problems which plagued the first one, only now it is a clusterfuck written (though I hesitate to use that word, more on that presently) by a fanboy, which serves only to make it insufferably smug about itself.

There is no plot, only things which happen. Yes, Fanwank Man does battle with Henry Cavill, but you have to sit through two hours of awful dialogue riddled with such heavy and blunt metaphors and clunky "wacky" references (such as Alfred referring to Batman as "A Phantasm") that when this tiny, almost inconsequential fight finally happens (though, not as a result of two characters, for there are no such things in this move, growing to hate each other and having at it, but as a result of some convoluted idiot scheme by a character I will get to momentarily) not even Ben Affleck hitting a man with a sink and delivering some of the few good lines of the movie can save it. Besides which, there is a tacked on fight with a cross between Tim Roth from "Incredible Hulk" and the alien from "Prometheus" at the end which also pads out the run time even further, in between enormous plot holes, contrivances and a complete lack of characters, arcs and any semblance of plot.

The film is like a comic book fan has taken the "coolest" panels from the few "serious" comics which are not downright embarrassing and mashed them together in an AMV whilst simultaneously trying to remake "Watchman", particularly ironic considering the director. I am pretty sure that Snyder has gone insane and believes that Rorschach and Dr Manhattan ARE Superman and Batman, as well as the fact that he can make good movies besides "Watchmen". 

The movie is dull, overlong and anemic in equal measure, but the biggest, most annoyingly glaring flaw (besides the whiplash inducing editing and fight sequences and fan wank) is, unfortunately, one of the few things I had been looking forward to:

Zach Snyder and his "Snyderverse" - Colourised.
Of course I'm joking: he wouldn't let non-white people do stuff

Jessie Eisenberg brings something to the table, in that he tries to add colour to the screen. Unfortunately, he was told to play it as Heath Ledger's "Joker", when he was meant to be playing Lex fucking Luthor. Every line from his mouth, every tic, every jolting, jerky movement and strange "eccentricity" he does are like chalkboards having fingernails dragged across them. The film grinds to a fucking halt whenever he appears on screen, which is a shame, as the character of Lex Luthor is a great one ripe for flamboyance, exploration and depth, and Eisenberg is a great actor. Unfortunately the corpse of Michael Shannon manages to be more intimidating as a villain than he does, and Tao Okamoto (who has three lines and is murdered brutally an hour in) is more interesting and threatening than he is, and also seems far more enigmatic and clever.  She and other amazing actors are completely wasted. Heck, it was only when I read the credits that I realised Patrick Wilson and Carla Gugino were in this. Diane Lane and Holly Hunter are incredible actresses, also totally wasted here (though Diane Lane still manages to carry herself with dignity, grace and pathos in a movie like this, Hunter is given virtually nothing to work with and still does her best) in favor of a grimy filter in place of us actually caring, or any real "Darkness."

However, there is one thing which sums up the cynical, horrible, pugnaciously repellent nature of a film this sneering in its contempt for the audience and the concept of fun and joy:

Senator Patrick Leahy has had a cameo in pretty much every Batman movie ever made. He is an old man who simply loves Batman and comic books, who always donates his fee to charity and is simply delighted to be there when Batman movies are made. Indeed, he has a cameo in this one (which I was searching for throughout) as a senator at the hearing alongside Holly Hunter. When this lovable old man who has nothing but love for the character showed up, I was happy, as he'd been given a cameo once again.

Then he was blown up, alongside Holly Hunter and Tao Okamoto, brutally, quickly and without any remorse. He was the last remnant of joy, a symbol of the love people have for a character or a medium and how it brings people together, and it was destroyed in a quest for "darkness", "gravitas" and "gritty realism". 

Fuck off, Snyder.