"Fantasy Island" Review - From the Vaults

"Fantasy Island" focuses on a bunch of strangers who come to the eponymous island to have their greatest, wildest fantasy come true. Overseen by the mysterious, white-clad Mr Roarke (Michael Pena), their wishes seem to come true, but all is not as it seems... Patrick (Austin Stowell) wants to imagine what it's like to be a soldier, for... REASONS! Gwen (Maggie Q) wishes that she could start her life over at a specific point, and make the decision which would improve everything for her in one moment... Melanie (Lucy Hale) wants to enact revenge on Sloane, the woman who made her entire life hell and ruined it for her, seeking just one chance to humiliate her... And brothers JD (Ryan Hansen, who looks distractingly like Mickey Doyle from "Boardwalk Empire" in this to such an extent hat I kept expecting that iconic laugh) and Brax (Jimmy O. Yang) want to finally have "everything", living it up in a mansion with hot men and women, and all the money and stuff they could ever want... But all is not as it seems here...

I would like, first of all, to praise the film makers for the attention to detail in making this a 00s movie. The camera angles, plot, twists and turns, character interactions and editing, and the casting of Maggie Q, Kim Coates and Michael Rooker all help to enhance this effect. It's just a shame that this is NOT a period piece. Yes, this is one of those things which felt like it was straight to DVD in 2004. It IS from the writer and director of "Cry Wolf", which should already ring some fucking alarm bells. No! Bad Josh! Do positives... Initially, the brothers seem like they'll be the most annoying, with their "hey bro!" douchebaggery and tom-fuckery, but they actually grew into the characters with the most depth: They're step brothers, Braxton is gay and was never accepted, but JD has absolutely no problem putting his life on hold, letting him stay at his flat and always hanging out with him, even though it cost him his relationship, because he loves him dearly. I know this because, like every action, motivation, backstory and plot point in this movie, it is discussed loudly almost to the camera. And it's always great to see The Rooker and Kim Coates, playing parts they'd be able to do in their sleep: crazy killbilly with a machete and sneering Russian douchebag gangster respectively (spoilers I guess?) Oh, and I've missed Maggie Q. There, positives done. The movie's scenes just end. It's a fun game actually! Drink whenever a scene just ends, and take another drink whenever you hop between plotlines. Then when it chucks in 4 plot twists (there were more, but I was zoned out) one after the other, take a shot for each of those! It's shot in a serviceable way, sometimes terribly, and when characters die (as the movie juggles tones like a one-armed amateur with chainsaws and the shakes, coming down of a particularly debilitating heroin addiction) it's a case of: "Oh, okay." Michael Pena, an actor I like, was paid in sleeping tablets, which is the only explanation for his performance. I know that I say this about every movie, but: CAST ERIC ROBERTS! He had the same role, but in "Dead or Alive" and fucking killed it, and in that movie he had to have magical kung-fu sunglasses fights with women in bikinis! Come on man, give it SOME effort! Roberts would give it 110% DESPITE the script, you look like you're giving it a once-over before lunch time and the arrival of another Ant-Man script. The movie is meandering, kind of dull, stupid and great fun to watch as one of those classic forgettable, fun bad movies that you don't really get anymore. The only people on the same page as to what this should be are the brothers and Kim Coates, thank God they are in the same plotline... It's stupid, forgettable, but never offensive. It's dumb, very dumb in fact, and it's a miracle that this got a cinematic release. I know that some people struggle with if I actually recommend a film in these reviews. So: It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. Watch it.