"Effi o Blaenau" - Wales Watching

Effi (Leisa Gwenllian) spends her days getting shitfaced, and her nights clubbing while shitfaced, in the quiet poor Welsh town of Blaenau. A chance encounter with a quiet, handsome stranger at one such club (Tom Rhys Harries) upends her life and offers her hope...

(Film Hub Wales)
An excellent, intimately observed portrait of poverty, hope and bleakness in North Wales, an old school 70s kitchen sink drama with an absolutely fucking phenomenal lead performance from Leisa Gwenllian. It's human, dark, hopeful, and more in equal measure, but maybe not the cheeriest of films despite the uplifting, glimmer of hope and rebirth it ends on. Be warned.

"Jackass: Best and Last" - Pontius of No Return

A ragtag bunch of aging misfits, now accompanied by new friends and allies of their last adventure, embark on one final quest: one trip to round off their illustrious, respectable careers in debauched lunacy, one last ride onto the hysterical hellish highway of hijinks, looking back at just how far they haven't come...

(Credit: Entertainment Weekly)
As a send-off and epilogue to the elaborate, disgusting and gloriously unhinged war of escalating frat-house hazing rituals and painful shocks to the genitals: the movie does a fairly good job. It has a lot of affection for these lovable goofball idiots, and acts essentially as a clip show and look back at their best stunts, with a couple of new ones thrown in for good measure. I could have done with more of the new stuff, and some more screen time for the newer members (Poopies and Rachel Wolfson are absolute treasures, and apparently a wet-suit stunt involving the two of them was cut, I'm fuming), but what's here is funny, and I got a little glee from hearing Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius and Steve-O reminisce on the old times and how they'd be having to hang up their hats this time around, I'll miss this sort of lunacy. They've grown older with their audience, and as gross and disgusting and purile as their actions are, it's ultimately not done in any mean-spirited nastiness, and there is a primal glory to seeing this happen: I cannot pretend that I was too good to laugh at grown men drinking enema-inducing laxatives and proceeding to play Twister. As I said: I wish there was more of the newbies and new skits (though the "Escape Room from Hell" and the side-splitting "Marionette Theatre" capture the series' spirit wonderfully, and had me crying) or that we had a more pensive, soulful reflection like in part 4, or even that Rachel Wolfosn and Poopies and Zack-Ass got more stuff to do; I understand that this was a send off to the gang, and it works. I'm happy for them, we even get unused footage of Bam Margera, and Johnny Knoxville's first stunt which landed him the "Jackass" gig. It comes full circle with a bigger, louder re-enactment of the famous shopping trolley sequence of the first film, and has a sense of finality to it. I'm happy for the gang.
I'm not a big "clip show" guy, but still laughed, it's fun.
The opening sequence, wherein everybody bedecked in white suits enacts a violent prank-fuelled rendition of the "Virtual Insanity" music video done to "Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonie Tyler (a sentence I had to type: I'm so happy she's out of her coma, good job Queen!) is, free of hyperbole, actually inspired creative genius. It's my favourite intro for these movies, and favourite opening credits I've seen in a long, long, long time. The movie never matches that impeccable standard set by that (and I get to hear Johnny Knoxville say that line one... last... time...)
Here's to you, gang.

"Supergirl" - Helen Sleater-Kinney

Lost, adrift and orphaned Kryptonian Kara Zor-El (Milly Alcock) is celebrating her birthday away from her adopted planet of Earth by having a week of getting shitfaced on a planet with a red sun: the only place where alcohol will affect her. But her carefree, avoidance-based life with her lovable dog Krypto is interrupted when she is forced to embark on a quest for vengeance with recently orphaned girl Ruthye (Eve Ridley) against the space trafficker, bandit and all-round shit Krem of the Yellow Hills (Matthias Schoenaerts), who made our orphan what she is, and poisoned Krypto in the process...

(Credit: Kino Check)
The script is ropey, and definitely could have used some work, with the movie feeling a tad flabby as well as undercooked, like a half-stretched spaghetti. But the building blocks are there, and the central performance of Alcock as the jaded, cynical, absolute disaster of a lead with a heart of gold is a winning one, and the film breezes along nicely enough under Gillespie's direction: he's a director I like ("I, Tonya" rules), and the tone mostly works. Its framework is a solid one, and I enjoyed the setting (particularly the cute space bus and grimy, dingy diners, it was fun) and the buddy-cop set up is simple and clear enough to not only follow, but sets it apart from "Superman" (though the excellent Corenswet shows up to remind us that he too is perfect in this part). The villain is dog rough: functional for the plot, but otherwise an empty vessel and bland charicature despite much sneering and snarling from Schoenaerts, who gives him the quirk of constantly snacking to try and make him pop. The themes could use some development and focus.
However, the whole thing is amiable and good fun, and there is a wonderful use of Jimmy Eat World in a fight towards the end (tailor made for me: I adore that song), with an also excellent, soulful, actually pretty powerful performance from David Krumholtz: though I am getting old enough to see the kid from "Numb3rs" and "Addams Family Values" playing dads now, and that scares me...
It's fun, breezy, and a good time. I refuse to engage in bad faith "takedowns" of the film, it's a solid enough work with its own problems, and that I have to clarify that is a sign of how disgusting the poisoned well of discourse has become.
I look forward to more Milly Alcock, she's excellent.

The Van Dammeathon - "Cyborg"

I've delayed this one partially because of work and partially because my thoughts on it are going to be extremely telling not only of my taste, but of how the rest of this is going to go. That, and the stream I initially found of this wouldn't allow screen-capture (oh the joys of modern watching...), and surprisingly I do not own this, but did own "Black Eagle" at one point. Go figure.

(Credit: City on Fire. Man, posters used to be FUCKING AWESOME)
A post-apocalypse knock off in the same vein as "Salute of the Jugger", "1990: The Bronx Warriors", "Yor: Hunter from the Future" (hey Spoony fans), "The New Barbarians" and "Hell Comes to Frog Town", we know we're in for a good time right off the bat because it's from our old friends

CANNON, baby!
Clearly wanting some of that sweet, sweet "Mad Max: The Road Warrior" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" runoff money, they decided to have "Mad Max" at home, the Cannon way! I am so excited for more Cannon!
Let's get to it!
Concept:
It is "The Future"

And with a virus known as "the living death" running rampant, things are pretty bad. A scientist named Pearl Prophet has not only cybernetic implants (making her some sort of... "cyborg" if you will) but also a cure, and is on the run with it. To help her not die at the hands of these charming fellows representing me and the boys on the way to watch this:

Pearl hires a "slinger" named Gibson Rickenbacker (played by our man) to protect her across the wastelands. Gibson is reluctant, despite initially saing her life, but soon comes to realise that her quest may line up with his own hunt for revenge...
Concept:
Jean Claude Van Damme protecting a cybernetic lady and a magic virus vaccine across a post-apocalyptic wasteland?

I like it. I mean, it's the sort of movie idea I would have come up with at the ages of 13 and 47, but I like it. It's the perfect vehicle for the man, his talents, some bloodshed and some lunacy, expect kicks, cheese, Canon madness and blood galore. Plus it's a man named after a guitar fighting cyborgs after the apocalypse, that's just awesome.
Concept: 4.
Excellent work so far!
Onto the next part:
Execution:

I'm only partially joking.
The movie wishes to be a "Mad Max" knock off from Canon, and essentially boils down to a vengeance-fulled Van Damme (whose family were slain by the villain, whom I shall get to) pursuing some coslpayers across the wastelands accompanied by an equally vengeful bandit girl orphan:

In practice it's a series of brawls in old, run down buildings, which is a fine way to hide the low budget, but the true crime is the mean-spiritedness of it all. It wants to be about cyborgs and high-kicking mercenaries taking on bandits and having fun, but it also wants to show brutal murders and the barbarous senseless cruelty of a species circling the drain. So there's going to be bloody, unpleasant senseless murder of families, with an admittedly quite good shot of a burning centrepiece in parallel:

Followed ever so shortly by fight scenes with dummies like this:

And fights like this:

Then, spoiler, alert, the cheap nature of it all really showcases the meanspirited nature of the kills and the deaths at the end when his fellow traveller goes to get revenge on the man who killed her family only to die.
It's lower budget, but did give us this gloriously horrifying prosthetic which resembles me whenever I look up Libertarians:

On the whole it's competent enough, but never quite rises above that.
Execution: 2
Now then, Charm!
The lower budget does give us some fun filmmaking mayhem, like the aforementioned sets. We do get this absolutely disgusting haircut:

Followed rather swiftly by this one:

Disgraceful. It's the attempted dark tone which lets it down, because "Gibson Ridenbacker" fighting crime in the Apocalypse is fucking awesome:

Charm: 2.
The Villain!
Vincent Klyn, a profesional surfer apparently, plays Fender Tremolo, and does a servicable enough job roaring and snarling lines about how much he "likes the virus" and "likes the hatred" with a baritone almost parodying Dolph Lundgren.

The real star of note is an early cameo from Ral Moeller as one of the boys.

Villain: 3.
Score standing at 9.
Bonus round!
Future collaborators:
Michel Qissi (from "Bloodsport" and soon to be seen in "Kickboxer" and "A.W.O.L")
So that's 1 point.
Splits!

Final Score: 12.
A mediocre effort Van Damme seemed to not really get behind and regret, but don't worry: soon he'd turn a fucking corner, this was merely a stumble...

"Lesbian Space Princess" - Review

On the planet of Clitopolis, winner of "Most Boring Royal" Princess Saira (Shabana Azeez) is dumped by her bounty hunting, adventuring partner Kiki (Bernie Van Tiel) of two weeks. Despondent, miserable and once again alone: she receives a message from a trio of aliens who have kidnapped Kiki. Unless she brings them a valuable weapon within 24 hours, Kiki will be dumped into acid! Forced into action, and seeing a chance to win her back, the sheltered, self-conscious and anxiety ridden princess must take a ship (Richard Roxburgh) on a quest to find and rescue Kiki, and maybe learn a little about herself in the proces...

(Credit: QNews)

An unashamed celebration of queerness and identity, feeling like a lost 2000s Adult Swim cartoon. The humour is tailor made for me, with rat-a-tat jokes at an excellent pace from all corners of humour: visual gags, puns, background gags, one-liners, insults and screaming incandescent rage about "lesbian phones"; its madness and irreverence are front and centre, and hark back to that "era" of mad fun cartoons and whimsy. Some of the jokes are low hanging fruit (the villains are "Straight White Maleians", bisexuals "don't exist" and Clitopia is "hard to find unless you know what you're doing") and some are tailor made for the "online" (I hate that I understood the joke about the name of Roxburgh's ship...) but criticism of those tends to come from bad faith, so I'm happy to ignore that well of poisoned discourse in a world where queerness and anything differing from the norm is seen as an assault on fascists. Its funny, daft, ludicrous, a blissful ninety minutes which also impresses with its refreshingly mature ending: a thoughtful and all too often overlooked examination of relationships and how maybe it's best we don't leap into them just because we've been denied kindness all of our lives, combining it with a funny but real look at mental health and anxiety.
Highlights include Gemma Chu-Tran as a non-binary Goth musician with absolutely no thoughts and an empty head; Richard Roxburgh (because it's an Australian film: he is legally required to turn up) as the foul-mouthed starship behind the times; Auntie Donna as the villainous trio, who got some of the biggest belly laughs from me, a niche gag about drunk girls in toilets and the powerful wisdom they dispense before vanishing into the ether, and the performance of Shabana Azeez as our titular heroine, who handles her growth and insecurities excellently.

"Masters of the Universe" - Skeletorture Porn

Forced to flee his realm of Eternia after an attack by the skeleton wizard Skeletor (Jared Leto), young prince Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) resides on Earth as a human relations manager in an ofice, mourning the loss of his sword and home planet... But when his quest leads him to his sword, he finally sees a chance to bust free of this office job and seek his destiny!

(Credit: Kotaku)
An enormously expensive Amazon-backed romp attempting to emulate the camp of the original TV series (and actually rather fun movie), which largely floats by thanks to a breezy tone, pastel coloured backdrop punctuated by "Flash Gordon" style riffs and music (Brian May chips in, weirdly, which does explain some of the budget) and a fondness for its material which verges on the cloying, but remains relatively ernest despite some digs (there's a fairly niche, funny laughter gag/mockery right towards the end, and the naming of characters like Fisto and Ram Man does earn well earned laughs without getting homophobic, and pays off rather well) at the silliness of the material: hell they even have the titular character dressed from that video (you know the one) in his pink shirt, and play the original song from it. It's charming and perfectly amusing fare, and I giggled a fair bit: the film feels like something made with love and affection for the source material. This is a film made by guys who love "He-Man", damn it! Even the cameo early on is from a fantastically game icon, and passing of the torch. It's overly long but for every joke that doesn't land there are at least 3 or 4 which earn a mirthful chuckle, even if they're about memes regarding the show (I rather enjoyed Camila Mendes role as the straight-woman Teela proclaiming that Skeletor "has a skull for a face. It's not that complicated"), and the cartoony buouyancy is in safe hands with Travis Knight of Laika. I'm not sure anybody was rooting for a 40+ years overdue adaptation of "He-Man" (at least, not as many people as the OUTRAGEOUS budget banked on), which cost around 200 "The Raids", but the central performance by Nicholas Galitzine is a legitimately funny joke: a musclebound himbo who wishes to resolve conflicts amicably and with empathic, healing language; only to be granted enormous muscles and galactic power. That central gag is great, in my mind.

"The Last Viking" - Far from the Mads-ening Crowd

After a 15 year prison sentence for a daring bank robbery, supposedly reformed Anker (Nikolaj Lie Kaas) returns home to collect his hidden bounty of stolen kroner. Unfortunately the only person who knows where it now is is his brother Manfred (mads Mikkelsen), already unstable but now diagnosed with disassociative identity disorder and believing that he is John Lennon. The mismatched pair return to their mother's lake house to begin their search, for more than the money.

(Credit: IMDB)
A delightfully twisted, offbeat comedy of manglings, maimings, nail guns and Ikea-obsessed physicians (Lars Brygmann) played with a stony-faced Nordic sensibility (particularly by the excellent, dry and wallpaper Nikolaj Lie Kaas) as its off-kilter premise mashes together buddy-cop road movie, crime thriller (Nicholas Bro plays a thug on the tail, he's good in "Brotherhood", and that I know that is a sign I've watched way too many God-damned movies), heist-movie bust-out from an asylum, and darker angle of a family-reunion in the vein of something like "Festen". It's a wild, weird mash of genres but writer and director Anders Thomas Jensen balances the razor's edge wonderfully, and is actually pretty fucking hilarious to boot. There's a genuinely funny Holocaust joke here.
The movie then becomes a uniquely toxic examination of family breakdown and masculinity, and the dangers of miscommunication, but with the sheer brass fucking balls to then be a somewhat hopeful tale about accomodating and accepting flaws and imperfections rather than forcing others to be the same.
It may drag a bit towards the end with its multiple epilogues, but its outrageous mashup and mish mash is daring, deranged, dark, and uniquely weird. I liked this a lot.