"The Drama" - Review

Charlie (Robert Pattinson) is about to get married to Emma (Zendaya). After a few too many wines, they play a game with the absolute worst possible person in the universe, future bridesmaid Rachel (Alana Haim) where they and best man Mike (Mamoudou Athie) each state the worst thing they have ever done. Mike starts, Rachel easily has the worst and laughs it off, Charlie plays along, then a nervous Emma reveals hers, and things take a turn...

(Photo Credit: Amazon Prime)
An excruciating little movie about communication and our own moral standards, as well as how we perceive them. I'm not a big "no spoilers" guy, though I shall say the marketing and premise revolve around the initial shock of the secret and how everybody reacts to it. Though, unlike the rather similar and far lower budget "Sleeping Dogs Lie" (where the title kind of gave away the secret...) it's harder to guess this one. The film is an interesting, knotty little drama (hah!) from the maker of the rather good "Dream Scenario", where characters raise the interesting idea early on that had the characters not known something, would they find it so heinous? Now that they do know, is it fair for them to react to it? The characters are fun and interesting, and I enjoy following them, as the situation gets complex and awkward and darkly hilarious to watch, whilst never really resorting to characters being mouthpieces: Emma (impeccably played by Zendaya) never actually did the thing she is so pilloried for, merely planned and considered it, so it's easy to sympathise with her, but the genie is out of the bottle now... Meanwhile Charlie (a delightfully droll, very late-stage Hugh Grant Pattinson) is a delight to follow as he gets into his own head, overthinks things, and reads into the little details with self doubt. Rachel, played wonderfully by Alana Haim, is definitely the cat amongst the pigeons here: if there are a million Rachel haters, I am one of them. If there are no Rachel haters, it is because I am dead. She is a fucking nightmare: this situation is all about her, even when other people are affected by it, she was clearly looking for a reason to hate Emma in the first place (though to the film's credit that is maybe something I am reading into, with my hatred of this vile, festering paint-drinking shit head of a human antithesis), her behaviour in her secret is infitely worse and something she laughs at and glosses over, and she's all about weaponinsing empathy and progressive language without practicing a thing about what she preaches.
The movie is funny, and a hard rough watch, and I enjoy the discomforting questions it will raise. Maybe rinse the mouth with "Sleeping Dogs Lie" after this one for a double bill. Poor Misha: she didn't deserve any of this.

"Exit 8" - Dentist, Escher, Judicial Scrivener, Review

On the underground, an indecisive young man (Kazunari Ninomiya) receives a phone call from his ex girlfriend informing him that he is to be a father. As he reels from this information, he finds himself in a corridor which loops. To escape, he must turn back when he finds an anomaly, and proceed when he does not. A surreal odyssey ensues...

(Source: Heaven of Horror)
I didn't even catch a trailer for this, so had the fortune of going in completely blind, being unaware of the videogame it was based upon (I'm still getting through the ".hack" quartet on the Playstation 2). Honestly that's the best way.
Its escalation felt videogame like, in the traditional sense, and helped with the 90 minute runtime, but holy shit we did it guys: We got a fantastic videogame movie which stands on its own, no caveats!
A clever and unpredictable little mindbender, immaculately edited (made to look like it's done in minimal takes. I particularly liked the looping structure coming full circle at the end, as simple as it was, and the cut to our protagonist's ex girlfriend as he sought an exit. Simple but effective) and committed to wrong-footing the audience whilst retaining a consistent logic, showing you all of the clues and letting you capture background details (fabulously shot too) before the protagonist does. As it settles into its time-loop, "Spot the Difference Puzzle" groove, it keeps finding ways to keep it fresh, with a stirling second act twist which had me grinning ear to ear (HAH!) and a wild swing in the third act which just about connected. If it's not quite as out-and-out terifying as "Undertone", it has surreal imagery and bold, creepy little parts to it, whilst being elevated by a genuinely clever, cerebral little tale of fatherhood, guilt, and choosing the right path by paying attention to the world rather than locking oneself in to the prisons of our own design. It's a better "Silent Hill" movie than most movies... A cracking time.

"Lee Cronin's: The Mummy" - The Movie: The Review.

Egyptian based journalist Charlie (Jack Reynor) and his physician wife Larissa (Laia Costa) are bereft when their daughter Katie goes missing one day. Years later, with another daughter, and still reeling, they receive a call from the Egyptian embassy and a detective assigned to their case (May Calamawy) telling them that Katie has been found...

(Credit: New York Times)
I'm ecstatic that Cronin can get his name in the title denoting this as a "Lee Cronin Project", and it certainly feels like that to the greater extent. Namely it splits the difference between his previous two works: the subtle kitchen sink Fae-tale "The Hole in the Ground" (with its uncanny, "the children are awry" focus on maws and bodily parts and eyes and big grand homes) and the balls-to-wall bloodbath "Evil Dead: Rise" (Lily Sullivan even shows up for a bit in a cameo role, probably thankful to be having an easier time of it here), with some spectacular gross imagery and wonderfully visceral gore. My favourite part was a creative, disgusting part with a scorpion in the final act (fuck scorpions, man). It juggles genres, not quite meshing with its detective adventures (honestly a highlight for me), haunted/possessed child narrative and horror of home care (which it could have gotten enormous mileage out of); though the final act comes together in a wonderfully gory, bloody display after a great funeral sequence and some flashes of blood and guts throughout. The old house they're in makes me wonder if Cronin wanted to originally do a period piece... It's a perfectly fun little horror which drags a little, come for the gore and some interesting fun bits, though it's not as mischievous as "Evil Dead: Rise" nor is it as intriguing and sinister as "Hole in the Ground". But on its own merits, it's alright.

"Project Hail Mary" - Lord and Miller of All They Survey

A man (Ryan Gosling) awakens on a spacecraft. The ship's computer (Priya Kansara! Fuck yes! 10/10 for that alone!) informs him that he is the only survivor, and he struggles to remember who he is or how he got here. Our man has a job to do...

(Credit: AZ Family)
A pleasant, perfectly cromulent and cheery little film, which pinballs between ideas with something of a smooth grace (using "Lost" style flashbacks throughout, though these are welcome in the first half they become superfluous and perfunctory in the second, despite good performances and being useful on paper), buouyed by a lovble performance from Gosling. He's certainly a better performer than Matt Damon, even if his character is only marginally more interesting than the bowl of glue that was "The Martian's" Mark Wattney. When the film settles into (spoilers I guess) buddy cop shenanigans, it really finds its groove and is enjoyable, though some of the methodical stuff beforehand, whilst nothing we've not seen before, is competently executed. At its core the movie is about communication through boundaries, co-operation and working together to solve an existential environmental crises across boundary lines (side note: there's a beautiful episode of "Planetes" called "Boundary Lines" which I highly recommend). It really drags and slows in the final act, and the token woman (Milana Vayntrub is dead before the film begins and gets two, maybe three lines. What a waste), the incredibly talented Sandra Huller, (Holy shit is "Zone of Interest" incredible) is given the stereotype of a German ballbuster who does not understand human emotions and is entirely focused on results and science, not these petty human "feelings". It is a jarring experience in the year 2026, though from what I understand the character is given even less in the book, so once again it fall to Drew Goddard to pull somebody's nuts out of the fire. Weir still can't write a character to save his life, but the performances are still good, and it's a light hearted film.

"Undertone" - Right Through the Night...

Evy (Nina Kiri) runs a horror themed podcast as a skeptic where, alongside her London-based believer friend Justin (Adam DiMarco), she receives, debunks and discusses various supernatural phenomena and media. Currently she lives with her dying mother (Michele Duquet) and the timezone difference is compounding her stress, so when Justin forwards her an unusual email loaded with audio files - she leaps at the opportunity to take her mind off of things. Then the night takes a turn...

I have watched a lot of horror films.
I've proselytised their wonders, their power and their effectiveness with a zeal bordering hagiographic.
I've seen the great ("It Follows", "The Thing", "House of the Devil", "The Blair Witch Project") the fairly spooky and good fun ("Insidious", "The Changeling", "Haunting of Hill House"), the bloody ("Rabid", "From Beyond", "Society"), the downright fucking dreadful ("Fear Dot Com", "Cry Wolf", "Imaginary"); horror movies of all stripes, every creed, every colour, every type. I've been in the trenches of dogshit. I've been the proclaimer of greatness, I've been the champion of atmosphere, of unique ideas, of gimmicks and flair; I've been a celebrant of trash, a connoisseur of crap, and that guy who will sit down and mock the dreadful and dissecting the good and the bad. I've had contrary opinions, I've had controversial takes, I've stuck by my guns. I like a good spook, I like a good scare, I meet movies halfway, I'll forgive a lot of junk. I think my credentials are on full display here, I'll chat with anybody about what works, what doesn't, what I enjoy, what I don't, and am generally a jaded, methodical, clinical cynical bastard when it comes to horror fims.
My partner met me 2 minutes after I left the screen.
My hand was shaking.
I needed a drink to calm my nerves.

"California Schemin'" - Title Contender of the Year

The year is 2003 and Dundee natives Gavin (Seamus McLean Ross) and Billy (Samuel Bottomley) work at a call centre alongisde the latter's girlfriend Mary (Lucy Halliday) but aspire to become the next big thing in hip hop. After an audition gets them mocked for their Scots accents, an insecure Gavin and more outgoing Billy get the idea to act American on their demos, send them in, get signed and expose the whole charade live on air at first opportunity to humiliate and expose the labels. But when their demos start taking off as "Silibil and Brains", they take to the life of fame and success...

(Photo credit: Rolling Stone)
A sweet little working class ode to Scotland and hip-hop (I like the frequent shots of the estates and skylines, and the graffiti) which uses the heist (I like the introduction of Jimmy pulling up in a car to rescue his friend: a true heist movie staple in addition to introducing this guy as a loyal free-wheeling friend) and backdrop to weave an interesting spin on the politics of identity and stage personas in hip-hop; and has an affection for its two characters. They're lovable scamps, and carry the film well. Seamus McLean Ross is the child of Ricky Ross and Elaine McIntosh, making him maybe the most Scottish man - though he does look like Sam Lake. It's a pleasant enough film, and the period piece setting is a sucker punch to me. It loses steam in the 3rd act almost entirely due to the nature of the story being told (which has been done a lot) but it's well acted - in particular the film really suffers when Lucy Halliday is not in it. She is one hell of a fucking find and absolutely steals the show. The true flex, however, is that James Corden shows up for some fucking reason, but James McAvoy manages to wrangle an acceptable performance from him. Kudos Jim.

"They Will Kill You" - Remar or Not...

Fresh out of prison and looking for her younger sister, Asia Reaves (Zazie Beetz. Also: har-har) gets a job at a high-rise apartment complex named "The Virgil" (har-har) as a maid. But it soon becomes apparent that she is intended as the sacrifice for the wealthy residents and their Lord Satan, and she must battle her way out.

(Credit: The New York Times)
It's an action movie knock-off of "Ready or Not", and not just from the trailer and basic premise of rich people being demonic and embarking on a "Most Dangerous Game": beat and moments occur pretty much in the same place (from a 3rd act betrayal and a helper amongst the rich, to a hand stabbing and a dark revelation), there is a comedic emphasis on the incompetence of the violent rich (here with the additional twist that they are immortal and come back to life) and their tomfoolery, and even some contract law towards the end. Holy shit, it even does the "what happened?" and a retort of "rich people"...
It's all done with an action movie bent, however, so despite some of the more glaring flaws (some superfluous repetitive dialogue for the second screens, a rather shallower cast of characters) the overly stylised and Samurai-adjacent shots which would otherwise be distracting are done in service to some fairly fun and well-choreographed fight sequences: I particularly enjoyed the sick as fuck burning axe sequence.
Meet it halfway on its own trashy terms and you'll enjoy it as an uneven but fun enough film just the right side of camp: Patricia Arquette is given a rather flat villain but makes her memorable with a dodgy Irish brogue; Paterson Joseph gets 4th billing (huzzah!) and James Remar shows up as a pig man, meaning that I am legally obliged to watch it; Tom Felton also shows up and is just dreadfully bland and forgettable.
Weirdly, however, there's a bizarre little foot fetish in the film. At first I thought it a little "Die Hard" homage, what with the towering building and the pursuit, but when the cult were introduced with a lingering licking of them, and then a large part of the film was Zazie Beetz in vents being followed from behind, and then fight scenes with frequent lingering kicks and pinning/stomping people (her shoes were destroyed, see, and the film makes a point of showing us this), I started to wonder... You do you, man, no shame here, but really? Is it necessary?