"Resident Evil" - Bryan Damage

Medical courier Bryan (Austin Abrams) is given a delivery of a valuable biological substance, likely an organ, with an urgent time frame, double pay and a snowy mountain road, heading for "Racoon City". His journey takes a rapid downturn...

(People)
Three for Three from horror maestro and "You done fucked up now!" Abraham Lincoln impersonator Zach Cregger!
After the incredible debut "Barbarian" and wild sophomore spookfest "Weapons", it was kind of disappointing to hear news that he would be tackling the horror video game with the shittiest writing of the industry, and as a videogame movie to boot! Look, we've had a relatively good hit rate this year for videogame movies ("Exit 8", "Mortal Kombat 2" which might be the best thing since sliced bread, and "Iron Lung") but this is still a game based on "Resident Evil"...
He nailed it.
It's a fun, very funny, movie akin to a point and click adventure game where our hapless put upon protagonist (a rather excellent Austin Abrams) stumbles through different environments simply attempting to survive with whatever objects he can scramble and assemble there, as ever-increasingly bizarre monsters threaten his face; all the while he gives us some actually pretty funny narration and quippy riffing on it all. He's a wiley and lovable, scrappy scamp just trying to get by, and we end up rooting for this poor bastard as things begin to spiral. The movie seems aware that "Resident Evil" is goofy and dumb, and plays with the tongue-in-cheek sensibilities of the one good game ("Resident Evil 4"), especially when Paul Walter Hauser (always a delight) shows up to steal the show for 10 minutes. There's a clever, wry recurring gag about indestructible padlocks (and the arbitrary, confined tunnel vision of door "puzzles" in these sorts of games) which pays off excellently, and it feels like a light-hearted love affair with the genre. It remembers never to be an outright comedy, keeping disgusting and unpredictable monsters thick and fast (sewer man and the one in the hospital are the best, you'll know when you see it, as it also got the biggest laugh from me when killed) whilst stretching its 15 rating for all it's worth. The film's monster design is excellent.
It's a riotous good time, and kind of what you expect from a blockbuster done by an excellent horror director. I was never bored.

The Van Dammeathon - "Kickboxer"

A cult classic, arguaby his best known film, and the time people started to celebrate Jean Claude Van Damme as a pop cultural icon and cult movie star in the making: "Kickboxer" is next on our JCVD movie star marathon! I remember having mixed thoughts about this one when I watched it on my second hand videotape years ago in a Swansea squat...
We're off to a good start, as this was another Canon joint! A vehicle for Van Damme as a leading man, with music by Stan Bush, here to capitalise and knock off "The Karate Kid" of all things, let's go!

(Thank you, Amazon)
Concept: Eric "The Eliminator" Sloane (Dennis Alexio) is a world champion boxer, seeking the latest challenge alongside his corner man, hype man, and brother Kurt Sloane (our boy Van Damme), the pair pictured here in the last image before they died in a tragic celluloid grain accident:

But when Eric is crippled in the ring by vicious Thai boxer Tong Po (Michel Qissi), a vengeful Kurt turns to an old Muay Thai master in the jungles, to better learn how to best this incredible foe...
It's every martial arts movie, and you knwo what? That simplicity works for Van Damme. If you're making a vehicle for a guy who kicks stuff: having it be a movie about a guy learning to kick stuff on a quest for vengeance is not a bad start, even if it is just "Bloodsport"... Concept: 4.
Execution!
Aha, but the devil is in the details!
These are the details:

It's a grainy, altogether rather duller affair, unfortunately. If you've seen a parody of a training montage for a sports movie, then you've seen this movie condensed. It's rather jarring getting Van Damme torture followed by an upbeat Stan Bush song.
CINEMATOGRAPHY!

I'll get to the largest tonal whiplash later on in another section.
Execution: 2
VILLAIN!
Here's the fun shit!

Michel Qissi plays Tong Po, the boxer whose job is to snarl, scream, kick stuff and cripple men with moustaches in the ring. As in, he cripples men who have moustaches, not with a moustache. That's the job of Julius Fuchs.
Tong Po does an excellent job in the martial arts and an admirable one in the feral ferocity of the part, the animalisticfury and crude brutality it requires. Unfortunately the makers decided that more than being an arrogant, brother crippling madman that in order for us to know that he was a villain, it was also required that he rape the token woman (and love interest of Van Damme, because of course she is) as well. No I am not going to show stills relating to it.
It's an otherwise really unpleasantly sour taste for what they're trying to go with for the villain, who is otherwise good. This may be controversial for such an iconic part in the Van Damme canon, but:
Villain: 2.
Sorry dude.
Charm!
Okay there is some otherwise goofy stuff we can enjoy, like that patented, non-trademarked Van Damme grin:

And then there is the best-known gif/moment of dancing and mayhem from the movie:

Hell yeah, that's the good shit.
Stan Bush also has a fun soundtrack, not on par with "Transformers" but still cheese-filled good times.
Charm: 3.
Score tally: 11 of 20
Bonus points:
1 for Grin.
1 for Michel Qissi, 1 for David Worth (co-director and cinematographer of "Bloodsport"), 1 for brotherhood (it's the plot) and then 1 for splits.
Final Score: 15.
A poor showing, unfortunately, despite its legendary status and cult following/credentials.

"Runner" - Kangaroo Jack Reacher

Burly large American man Hank Malone (Alan Ritchson) operates as a courier in Australia, getting the job done any way he can (usually by hugging door frames). His latest assignment is a simple one: escort a donor organ to its 7 year old recipient. Accompanying its chatty, gregarious and altogether too-friendly courier Bob Bishop (Owen Wilson), is the least of our stoic wall's problems, however, when armed attackers pull up and attempt to seize the liver for themselves...

(Angel.com)
Perfectly servicable fare for Ritchson, attempting to be "Midnight Run" or "The Rundown": giving the heavy lifting (hah) of the script to a motormouthed and likable enough Wilson, with a little more meat on the bones (hah) for Ritchson than he'd normally get. It's not as good as either of those movies, but trundles along well enough, though its tonal shifts are a tad jarring: in between its rather competent enough script (despite an underwritten twist villain in the final act) and a knock-down drag out Looney Tunes style final which makes the most of Ritchson being Big McLargehuge, there will be attempts at the witty rapport spliced with blood, guts and sudden deaths designed to tug at the hear strings. It feels like a Dolph Lundgren movie cosplaying as a late 2010s Statham movie, but it is solid enough as a rental.

"Leviticus" - Outback Mountain

Naim (Joe Bird) and his mother (Mia Wasikowska, I hate that she's now playing mothers, what IS time?!) move to a small community in Australia to be closer to the latter's church. When he falls for local scallywag Ryan (Stacy Clausen), the two end up at the hands of a local "faith healer" (Nicholas Hope, the titular "Bad Boy Bubby": I have watched way too many movies, and there are maybe about 6 actors in Australia) purged of their sins; only for both to to begin seeing a monstrous, murderous being which takes on the most terrifying form imaginable: each other.

(Credit: The Hollywood Reporter)
Reminiscent of "It Follows" in its wide shots and stylings, with the added touch of run down buildings and urban decay (as civilisation scars the landscape, uncaring of its natural beauty, out of place here and rotting despite its supposed familiarity and normalcy) reminding me of "Snowtown" and "Hounds of Love" in parts; the film has a bleak atmosphere and feels rather good. The two leads are excellent (Bird is on something of a tear between this and "Talk to Me"), and it does a good job conveying the premise and idea of forbidden love and tearing apart people with paranoia and driving a wedge between them. It maybe didn't need the clunky "it wants to drive a wedge between us!" from Clausen, but I'll let it slide as it's a debut. Honestly, after the monster arrives and the horror movie angle kicks in, it's not as good. It's fairly effective still (and Hope is always welcome), and the makers of the film have some fun with the paranoia angle, but the scares never really landed for me. It has neat touches of cinematography (like the brewing, ever evolving industry in the gorgeous background shots) but honestly worked better in execution as an insidious, nasty, skin crawling drama and horror of the kitchen sink variety at the start the Aussies do so well. It's still solid, with great performances and a phenomenally simple idea.

"Coyote VS Acme" - SLAAPstick Suit

Hungry genius Wile E Coyote (himself) suffers yet another catastrophe from the Acme Corporate products in his bid to capture the Road Runner (himself), and has had it. Spotting a billboard for low-stakes, case-settling small fry lawyer Kevin Avery (Will Forte), he launches a lawsuit against the Acme Corporation.

(Screen Rant)
A riotous good time, and a return to old school slapstick. Forte (the physical comedian of Saturday Night Live, and somewhat Marmite to many) does a good enough job here, understanding that he is in a Looney Tunes film and that his job is to play second fiddle to an excellent Wile Ethelbert Coyote in his amusing shenanigans. John Cena goes suitably cartoony as well, and matches what the movie is going for. It reminds me that I rather enjoy Wile E Coyote shorts, and some of the cameos are excellent deep cuts (it opens on an animated Peter Lorre, Gossamer shows up, and Pepe Le Pew got the biggest laugh in the cinema for his cameo), and the slapstick keeps the laughs coming. It's an endearing, amusing film which becomes a sweet ode to failure and efforts in its final act, and I appreciated the optimistic message. The censoring of the filthiest Run the Jewels song with Road Runner beeps is a joke so tailor-made for me that the cinema must have thought that I was mentally ill. Another win for art and Ketchup Entertainment (watch "Bushwick"). Fuck David Zaslav. Fuck Warner Brothers.

"I Want Your Sex" - Cowgirl and Aliens

Elliot (Cooper Hoffman) finally manages to land a job, as one of many assistants to the wealthy, successful modern artist Erika Tracey (Olivia Wilde), embarking on an odyssey of self discovery and artistic excess, which spirals into madness.

(Credit: Instagram)
I've always been hit and miss on Gregg Araki ("Mysterious Skin" is bleak stuff and I rather enjoy "Smiley Face" whilst it lasts, but "Doom Generation", "Kaboom" and "Totally Fucked Up" are misfires in my eyes) but for me this is the first of his films which works: a wild, colourful, poppy ride opening on a throwback to "Sunset Boulevard" and rattling on from there with cartoon segues, dream sequences and the satirical backdrop and colours akin to "Velvet Buzzsaw" as backdrops to a rather amusing counter-culture story about relationships, modern art and, yes, sex.
There's a funny threesome moment, and an always Viswanathan-style scene stealing performance from Mason Gooding as a camp sassy colleague of Elliot; and the film manages to wrangle Gregg Araki's eccentricities into a way which works: the pinball plot and free wheeling is in service of a wack-a-doodle energy and screwball comedy; characters do that thing in his movies where they stop and will rant at the audience, but here the rant is a discussion between Wilde and Hoffman about how sexual freedom is actually being reversed, and something I kind of agree with so will allow to slide. Wilde is on an absolute tear in this, and finally has parts worth sinking her teeth into, Hoffman is excellent; and the left-field "zeitgeist" casting choices had me giggling: Charli XCX is XCXcellent as the buttoned up and disinterested girlfriend, Johnny Knoxville plays a detective (I get to say that Charli XCX was in a Johnny Knoxville movie and that makes me so happy) alongside Araki regular Margaret Cho (James Duval also has a funny cameo at the end), whilst Chase Sui Wonders as roommate "Apple" has possibly the funniest aforementioned scene in the film; and the affair on the whole is a rollicking good time. Remember when movies had colour and joi de vivre? When the world needed Gregg Araki the most, he came back swinging.

"Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma" - Under the Crystal Lake

Queer filmmaker Kris (Hannah Einbinder) is elated to be making a reboot in the "Camp Miasma" slasher franchise, a vastly overexposed slasher series focusing on the murderous "Little Death", in part because it acted as her queer awakening but mostly because she is a huge fan of the films. Her idea is to recruit the reclusive star of the first film, Billy Presley (Gillian Anderson), for a metatextual take. Kris finds herself drawn to the mysterious belle, and a chance to discuss art with her hero, and what it means to her: but Billy has some strange ideas of her own...

(Credit: Volksrant)
I am unfamiliar with Jane Schoenbrun.
They are a name I have heard floated as an auteur in recent years, largely off the back of acclaim for their trans-experience surreal horror movie "I Saw the TV Glow" (which I have not watched, despite an appearance from Fred Durst), but their 3rd film was off to an incredibly strong start for me. It opens on an extremely funny, glowing bloody murder from one of the "Camp Miasma" movies within a movie, before transitioning (hah) to a spectacularly cosy sequence of opening credits telling the history of the franchise in videotapes, merchandise and newspaper reviews very much in the vein of "Friday the 13th". From there it's odd, languid, mad, weirdly restrained, genre hopping, frustrating, a love story, an ode to horror, too smug for its own good, an anthem to art we love despite its problems, a discussion of art, a kind of preachy and extremely Marmite rant about seeing the forest for the trees in art, colourful, a showcase for the fucking treasure that is Gillian Anderson, a celebration of queer artists, an adoration of the slasher, a scattershot outpouring of colour, simultaneously very fun and not as fun as it should be, more of comedy than a horror, an allegory for sex in the right body after transitioning, odd, quirky, strange, bamboozling, inscrutable, surreal, and tailor made for a specific audience.
Much like "Mulholland Drive" or "Annette" or "Mortal Kombat 2": whatever my thoughts are on this piece of art do not matter, because there is not another piece of art like it.
It's an odd, strange duck I both liked and was thrown by. It's not for me in many angles, but things in it truly clicked. Parts felt smug or clunky, others hilarious and insightful.
It's a piece of art wherein the maker has a clear idea of what they want to do, and have painted the tapestry of this moment in time with their soul, their yearning, their ideas and their beauty, fuck what you think.
I am familiar with Jane Schoenbrun.