"Masters of the Universe" - Skeletorture Porn

Forced to flee his realm of Eternia after an attack by the skeleton wizard Skeletor (Jared Leto), young prince Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) resides on Earth as a human relations manager in an ofice, mourning the loss of his sword and home planet... But when his quest leads him to his sword, he finally sees a chance to bust free of this office job and seek his destiny!

(Credit: Kotaku)
An enormously expensive Amazon-backed romp attempting to emulate the camp of the original TV series (and actually rather fun movie), which largely floats by thanks to a breezy tone, pastel coloured backdrop punctuated by "Flash Gordon" style riffs and music (Brian May chips in, weirdly, which does explain some of the budget) and a fondness for its material which verges on the cloying, but remains relatively ernest despite some digs (there's a fairly niche, funny laughter gag/mockery right towards the end, and the naming of characters like Fisto and Ram Man does earn well earned laughs without getting homophobic, and pays off rather well) at the silliness of the material: hell they even have the titular character dressed from that video (you know the one) in his pink shirt, and play the original song from it. It's charming and perfectly amusing fare, and I giggled a fair bit: the film feels like something made with love and affection for the source material. This is a film made by guys who love "He-Man", damn it! Even the cameo early on is from a fantastically game icon, and passing of the torch. It's overly long but for every joke that doesn't land there are at least 3 or 4 which earn a mirthful chuckle, even if they're about memes regarding the show (I rather enjoyed Camila Mendes role as the straight-woman Teela proclaiming that Skeletor "has a skull for a face. It's not that complicated"), and the cartoony buouyancy is in safe hands with Travis Knight of Laika. I'm not sure anybody was rooting for a 40+ years overdue adaptation of "He-Man" (at least, not as many people as the OUTRAGEOUS budget banked on), which cost around 200 "The Raids", but the central performance by Nicholas Galitzine is a legitimately funny joke: a musclebound himbo who wishes to resolve conflicts amicably and with empathic, healing language; only to be granted enormous muscles and galactic power. That central gag is great, in my mind.

"The Last Viking" - Far from the Mads-ening Crowd

After a 15 year prison sentence for a daring bank robbery, supposedly reformed Anker (Nikolaj Lie Kaas) returns home to collect his hidden bounty of stolen kroner. Unfortunately the only person who knows where it now is is his brother Manfred (mads Mikkelsen), already unstable but now diagnosed with disassociative identity disorder and believing that he is John Lennon. The mismatched pair return to their mother's lake house to begin their search, for more than the money.

(Credit: IMDB)
A delightfully twisted, offbeat comedy of manglings, maimings, nail guns and Ikea-obsessed physicians (Lars Brygmann) played with a stony-faced Nordic sensibility (particularly by the excellent, dry and wallpaper Nikolaj Lie Kaas) as its off-kilter premise mashes together buddy-cop road movie, crime thriller (Nicholas Bro plays a thug on the tail, he's good in "Brotherhood", and that I know that is a sign I've watched way too many God-damned movies), heist-movie bust-out from an asylum, and darker angle of a family-reunion in the vein of something like "Festen". It's a wild, weird mash of genres but writer and director Anders Thomas Jensen balances the razor's edge wonderfully, and is actually pretty fucking hilarious to boot. There's a genuinely funny Holocaust joke here.
The movie then becomes a uniquely toxic examination of family breakdown and masculinity, and the dangers of miscommunication, but with the sheer brass fucking balls to then be a somewhat hopeful tale about accomodating and accepting flaws and imperfections rather than forcing others to be the same.
It may drag a bit towards the end with its multiple epilogues, but its outrageous mashup and mish mash is daring, deranged, dark, and uniquely weird. I liked this a lot.

"Madfabulous" - Ar Hyd y Nos and Daughters

In the late 19th centure, Anglesey, in the greenest country on Earth, is about to receive a shock to the system when Henry Cyril Paget (Callum Scott Howells) arrives to take up the resplendent mantle of the 5th Marquess of Angelsey.

(Credit: The Guardian. Also this one is getting extra large photos, because I feel this is going to be in my top five of the year)
A romp and showcase for the talents of an absolutely spellbinding Callum Scott Howells (whom I am sorry to say I was unfamiliar with before this) telling a lesser known piece of outrageous queer Welsh history, featuring fucking legends of the Welsh acting scene (Stephen Speirs as a jeweller who gets one of the best chest-pumping parts towards the end, a delightfully devillish Paul Rhys; reliable Ian Puleston-Davies as an Ian Puleston-Davies character, and a fantastically cunty-shithead Tom Rhys Harries NOT playing a Welshman and it annoys me), as well as English stars allowed to have fun (Kevin Eldon puts on a pretty good Welsh accent actually, playing the local photographer, he's supremely underrated; Rupert Everett gives a beautifully understated performance in the vein of "Remains of the Day"; the excellent Louise Brealey has a vomiting scene which had me giggling; and a weaselly up-and-comer Louis Hynes is fantastic); as it weaves a tale of a non-conforming and all-too-fabulous eccentric wracked with consumption and making it his mission to burn thrice as bright for but a moment. It weaves a sweet tale of his complex relationship with his wife/cousin/best friend Lily (Ruby Stokes, also excellent here) and the knotty things that entails, whilst they make a splash in the community at large and high-society and the community around them. It juggles a lot of plates, and when Lisa Baker's script goes pedestrian in the centre (most crucially around the lowest point of that FUCKING SHITHEAD Nick's big fuck-you moment... though that I hate him so much is a testament to Tom Rhys Harries and Callum Scott Howells) it perhaps doesn't quite soar as it should with Celyn Jones' understated direction and period-piece accuracy; but by the time of the bold and audacious ending heist/bust-out/redemption arc/Ffion the Maid (Greta Jones') finest hour - there is just so much passion and love and joy on screen that it's infectious. The ending credits are Callum Scott Howells dancing to "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer in the mansion in a fuck-you to "Saltburn", and such a pure, joyously wonderful celebration of this film and its history and such a love leter to the character that I got misty eyed leaving the cinema.
Fuck yes.
Fuck fucking yes.
Support Welsh cinema.
Happy fucking pride motherfuckers.
Yeah, it may not land as well as it did for me, but I am ranking this movie on the fact that I felt something, this piece of art spoke to me on a personal level, it made me feel anger, joy, sadness, sorrow, whimsy, delight, an effervescent glee at being oneself and remaining true to it (the best line is "I should be myself, because everybody else is taken!") ESPECIALLY in an era when that sort of thing brings ruin and disgrace to false portraits of baroque "manners" and "society".

"Passenger" - Na-Na-Na-Na Nanana

A young couple (Jacob Scipio, the guy who yelled a "Mean Girls" quote in "Expend4bles", and Lou Llobell) embark on a road trip to begin "the van lifestyle". But before every normal person can kill them for their pretentious hipsterdom, a demonic entity may beat us all to the punch...

I'm going to show my hand here and get this one out of the way so I can get to the film I want to talk about.
All I remember from this bland nothingness of a horror film are the following:
1. The house they move out of looks like Lisa Loeb's in the music video for "Stay"
2. The Sheriff from "Willy's Wonderland" shows up in it.
3. The only scare came from me approaching some noisy teenagers, telling them to be quiet, and one of them jumping at the sight of me.

"Tuner" - Big Fish in a Small Pond

Nik White (Leo Woodall) is a piano tuner, tutored by Hary Horowitz (Dustin Hoffman) in a simple enough life, accomodating his hyperacusis with this job he is good at. When Harry falls ill, however, Nik takes up the offer of a shady security expert Uri (Lior Raz) to take up a new job he is equally talented at: cracking safes.

(Credit: Mama Scrapelle)
By the time the credits rolled on "Tuner", I was basking in the warm afterglow of a satisfyingly well-made pocket watch, piano or concerto (hah), and "Project Hail Mary" was just beginning its plot and giving a woman their first line of dialogue.
Absolutely my shit: an immaculately edited, crafted timepiece of a film where I'm so gripped by just the day-to-day life of this piano tuner (a rather good Leo Woodall, whom I used to get confused with that blob of actors popping up at the same time: Jack O'Connell and Jack Reynor, namely, that "type") and his budding romance with Havana Rose Liu's Ruthie (as it is with "Booksmart": casting anybody from "Bottoms" improves a movie immensely) that it's almost a shame when the safe-cracking and life of crime kick in. But subsequent aforementioned crime shenanigans are more on par with "Emily the Criminal" than "Rififi" (please watch both), and it keeps its momentum going through the edits, jazzy soundtrack (fantastic use of Dave Brubeck and a Herbie Hancock gag which pays off) and great central performances from its lead duo, all the way through to a welcome Jean Reno appearance (for all of 6 minutes, but it's still "Leon" so...) and a full-circle coda to its finale. It really rather enjoyed this.

"Obsession" - Curry Barker's Books of Blood

Music store employee Baron "Bear" Bailey (Michael Johnston) is smitten with his cool, sassy co-worker Nikki Freeman (Inde Navarrette), but she seems to only see him as a friend. Taking a chance, after dropping her home on trivia night, he decides to break a "One Wish Willow" stick: wishing that she would love him more than anyone in the world. Things go swimmingly.

Well worth the hype and praise it is getting, a deliciously twisted and mischievous take on the classic "caveat emptor": with a sick sense of humour and gore effects aplenty (a car scene in particular...). It refreshingly takes the angle of acknowledging the consequences of this wish: Nikki loses her identity, is a prisoner in her own body, the flesh prison of male gratification keeping what he truly longed for locked deep within. It's a horrifying situation, and by a similar metric Johnston keeps Bear likable by realising that this is a horrifying moment, he does not want to take advantage of this person, this is not Nikki, he wants to back out.
The star of the show, in many eyes, is Inde Navarette, but he deserves praise for this too:

(Credit: Bloody Disgusting)
She is phenomenal here, a star making turn all heavy on the eyes and jarring shifts.
Pretend the film is Michael Stuhlbarg and Olivia Rodrigo, and it becomes even funnier.
A riotous turn, and an excellent look at (hah) obsession, free will, consent and relationship dynamics.
Cracking ending

"Mortal Kombat 2" - Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just Johnny in a Cage

The realms must do battle to decide their fates, the first to win ten tournaments gains dominion over the other. The evil "Outworld" under brutish emperor Shao Khan (Martyn Ford) have gained dominion over Edenia, and its princess Kitana (Adeline Rudolph); and now seek to bring Earthrealm under their bloody banner. Lightning God Raiden (Tadanobu Asano) has gathered five champions for the tournament: legendary martial artist Liu Kang (Ludi Lin), super-powered soldier Sonya Blade (Jessica McNamee), her cyborg colleague and pal Jax Briggs (Mehcad Brooks) and previous champion and zero-to-hero Cole Young (Lewis Tan), but requires a fifth: the Universe has set its sights on fading 90s karate champion and movie star Johnny Cage (Karl Urban), who is reluctantly roped into a tournament to decide the fate of the entire human race...

(Photo credit: Reddit)
An absolutely wonderful time.
The film is a gleefully daft, enjoyable buffet of bloodshed, bollocks, Baraka and bullshit. It embraces the videogame aesthetic (the costumes, finishing moves, structure, arenas including an honest-to-Gibson acid pit and even a camera shot going side on to display the two fighters squaring off) and the ludicrousness of its premise: glowing lights in the sky denote when a character has been defeated, blue for the good guys and red for the villains. It goes full throttle into the blood, guts and mayhem (how it is not an 18 is unclear, maybe because it lacks titties?), yet in a fun, cartoony way: bright colourful costumes to clearly mark each character apart, each one with a different superpower and enough character and charm to them to bring some colour to proceedings even if the crowded ensemble and focus on the spectacle means that characterisation takes second place. Despite that the film manages to keep them from being bland: Jessica McNamee's Sonya Blade returns and is good fun, with a delightful pit fight against banshee Sindel; Princess Kitana (Adeline Rudolph) is a highlight this time around as arguably the conflicted central character, with a delightful lesbian-subplot with her bodyguard Jade (Tati Gabrielle), without either of them being sexualised (the movie even has the sheer brass fucking balls to pass the Bechdel Test); and her arc competently mirrors the larger than life professional loudmouth shithead Cage (Karl Urban on a continued tear with this, "Dredd", "Thor: Ragnarok" and "Star Trek") discovering his heroism in the final act, with some cool edits. Hell, I felt myself getting hyped up despite the stupidity of it all when Kitana made her big choice in the final act and the music swelled: I had embraced the Mortal Kombat way and was relishing in the filth it had baptised me in. Cage gets a supremely fun buddy cop "Mentor/Mentee" arc with Baraka (CJ Bloomfield) I wanted more of; Hiroyuki Sanada returns and is such a class act that with two minutes of screen time manages to make the line "I am Hanzo Hasashi. Hell bends to my will." land with gravitas; the always excellent Tadanobu Asano comes back, and whilst there is less of he and Chin Han than I would have liked, they were still welcome. Star of the show, once again, however was Josh Lawson as Kano: clearly the writers knew that they had struck gold with him in the last film, and write him back in to bully, snarl, swear and be a raging fucking cockbag who is absolutely the best part whenever he is on screen: bullying the villains, spouting solid gold with every line, and even having the audacity to participate in a truly, deliciously ludicrous hell-heist to turn off Cheat Mode in the 3rd act, cementing redemption and rising to become heroes in a film where Sonya Blade spears a banshee's skull on a floor spike and Liu Kang kills a man with a hat (by the way it's worth it for those two fights alone).
Stellar, stupid stuff. Absolutely wonderful in terms of "bang for your buck".