"Mortal Kombat 2" - Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just Johnny in a Cage

The realms must do battle to decide their fates, the first to win ten tournaments gains dominion over the other. The evil "Outworld" under brutish emperor Shao Khan (Martyn Ford) have gained dominion over Edenia, and its princess Kitana (Adeline Rudolph); and now seek to bring Earthrealm under their bloody banner. Lightning God Raiden (Tadanobu Asano) has gathered five champions for the tournament: legendary martial artist Liu Kang (Ludi Lin), super-powered soldier Sonya Blade (Jessica McNamee), her cyborg colleague and pal Jax Briggs (Mehcad Brooks) and previous champion and zero-to-hero Cole Young (Lewis Tan), but requires a fifth: the Universe has set its sights on fading 90s karate champion and movie star Johnny Cage (Karl Urban), who is reluctantly roped into a tournament to decide the fate of the entire human race...

(Photo credit: Reddit)
An absolutely wonderful time.
The film is a gleefully daft, enjoyable buffet of bloodshed, bollocks, Baraka and bullshit. It embraces the videogame aesthetic (the costumes, finishing moves, structure, arenas including an honest-to-Gibson acid pit and even a camera shot going side on to display the two fighters squaring off) and the ludicrousness of its premise: glowing lights in the sky denote when a character has been defeated, blue for the good guys and red for the villains. It goes full throttle into the blood, guts and mayhem (how it is not an 18 is unclear, maybe because it lacks titties?), yet in a fun, cartoony way: bright colourful costumes to clearly mark each character apart, each one with a different superpower and enough character and charm to them to bring some colour to proceedings even if the crowded ensemble and focus on the spectacle means that characterisation takes second place. Despite that the film manages to keep them from being bland: Jessica McNamee's Sonya Blade returns and is good fun, with a delightful pit fight against banshee Sindel; Princess Kitana (Adeline Rudolph) is a highlight this time around as arguably the conflicted central character, with a delightful lesbian-subplot with her bodyguard Jade (Tati Gabrielle), without either of them being sexualised (the movie even has the sheer brass fucking balls to pass the Bechdel Test); and her arc competently mirrors the larger than life professional loudmouth shithead Cage (Karl Urban on a continued tear with this, "Dredd", "Thor: Ragnarok" and "Star Trek") discovering his heroism in the final act, with some cool edits. Hell, I felt myself getting hyped up despite the stupidity of it all when Kitana made her big choice in the final act and the music swelled: I had embraced the Mortal Kombat way and was relishing in the filth it had baptised me in. Cage gets a supremely fun buddy cop "Mentor/Mentee" arc with Baraka (CJ Bloomfield) I wanted more of; Hiroyuki Sanada returns and is such a class act that with two minutes of screen time manages to make the line "I am Hanzo Hasashi. Hell bends to my will." land with gravitas; the always excellent Tadanobu Asano comes back, and whilst there is less of he and Chin Han than I would have liked, they were still welcome. Star of the show, once again, however was Josh Lawson as Kano: clearly the writers knew that they had struck gold with him in the last film, and write him back in to bully, snarl, swear and be a raging fucking cockbag who is absolutely the best part whenever he is on screen: bullying the villains, spouting solid gold with every line, and even having the audacity to participate in a truly, deliciously ludicrous hell-heist to turn off Cheat Mode in the 3rd act, cementing redemption and rising to become heroes in a film where Sonya Blade spears a banshee's skull on a floor spike and Liu Kang kills a man with a hat (by the way it's worth it for those two fights alone).
Stellar, stupid stuff. Absolutely wonderful in terms of "bang for your buck".

"John Wick: Chapter 4"

Months after crossing "The High Table" of criminals, John Wick (himself) must face off against-
Oh who fucking cares?!

You're here either as a fan, or for some carnage and bloodshed because you've heard that these movies are fun.
This gives us everything we want in spades.
If you're a fan, this is more akin to the first: there is a lot more build up to the chaos, and extended action set pieces which evolve and escalate over the course of their body count, without relying too heavily on in jokes and repetition like Chapter 2, but still manages to do something different: we are introduced to other characters in the periphery of John Wick, watching their lives and machinations in this world, and how this spectre of mayhem will change them for the worse... Hiroyuki Sanada and Rina Sawayama (continuing this series' tradition of batshit mental casting decisions which make total sense) make a wonderful impact as Joji and Akira, the Manager and Concierge of the Continental in Osaka, whilst Donnie Yen's blind assassin "Caine" is set to become a fan favourite. It remembers to have fun with it, to have this world be creative and wild, and is genuinely fucking hilarious as a result if you get on board with it. A character has to deliver some exposition, so for absolutely no reason thay have him be an elderly, heavily-pierced tattooed German man whose only lines are "I AM KLAUS". It's that, combined with excellent attention to detail, like the Yokai masks on the Osaka kill-squad or the hand on "The Harbinger"... It comes together to reward new and old viewers alike: the former get kicks out of the world building, whilst the latter get some eccentric, memorable characters and moments.
But let's not forget what we're here for.
Tactical doorbell murder.
Rina Sawayama wears all-leather and a kimono and brings a bow and arrow to a gunfight (I'm glad she got a fair bit to do!)
Hiroyuki Sanada has a katana duel with armoured machine-gun wielding hit squads.
Scott Adkins plays a fat asthmatic card cheat who has a kung-fu battle in his waterfall casino, aided by Germans armed solely with hatchets.
The Arc de Triumph plays host to a 3-time driveby and a 10 minute game of whack-a-mole with cars which ALWAYS made me wince.
Bill Skarsgard wears a glittering suit and sports an atrociously camp French accent (being the best villain in the series for a while, and certainly tied for 1st place). He fits in right as rain here.
Clancy Brown, whom I am surprised it has taken so long to have in this series, plays a man called "The Harbinger", which is the most Clancy Brown name, character, and job title he has ever had.
A man wields a dog.
There is a SPECTACULAR overhead firefight (which for me is the highlight of the film, and my favourite centrepiece.)
John Wick is thrown through multiple cabinets of weapons, including guns, and skips all of them to go for the nunchuks.
Immediately after grabbing nunchucks, we cut to Donnie Yen dressed as Bruce Lee.
Laurence Fishbourne is back in his finest role as "The Bowery King" and chews enough scenery to almost catch up to Scott Adkins.
We get to see Keanu Reeves fight Donnie Yen.
We get to see Scott Adkins fight Donnie Yen.
We get to see Keanue Reeves AND Donnie Yen in movies.
Looney Tunes stairs.
I had the stupidest, widest grin on my face for this entire movie, and it was absolutely exhausting to watch. It felt like I'd only watched half an hour, but was a continent-sprawling epic, which brings action movies higher and higher in terms of quality, still finding way to keep it fresh and FUCKING ESCALATE with every installment.
It earns its "Warriors" extended throwback (even if they missed an opportunity by having neither Charlie come back, or casting James Remar...) and humiliates other lesser action films by just showing us how it's fucking done.

"Mortal Kombat" Review - From the Vaults

 "Mortal Kombat"

Cole Young (Lewis Tan, the sexy redeeming highlight of that piece of shit "Iron Fist") is a cage fighter who keeps losing, but still supports his wife and daughter. When Major Jackson Briggs (Mehcad Brooks) informs him that his dragon birthmark is the sigil marking him as one of Earthrealm's champions against the forces of Netherrealm, he is forced into an adventure to save existence itself, alongside a ragtag group of misfits.

This movie is a poorly plotted, exposition-laden "excuse plot" with thinly sketched characters, ludicrous gore, violence for the sake of it, concepts straight out of nowhere, and lunacy we are forced to be on board with.

And it's the perfect "Mortal Kombat" movie.

The makers know that the games are trash. The actors know that the games are trash. The writers know that the games are trash. They know that the audience wants recognisable characters (such as they are in these games) committing carnage on screen in excellent fight scenes.

So.

We get fireballs

Racist Australian laser eyes.

A man rides a vampire into a hat-saw.

Sub Zero stabbing a man with his own blood.

Why the fuck are you reading this?! 20 seconds after this shot, a man is stabbed to death with his own blood!

And Hiroyuki Motherfucking Sanada manages to sell the line "I came back from the depths of hell to take your life."

Characters look directly at the camera after performing acts of extermination and state "FATALITY" or "FLAWLESS VICTORY" practically winking all the while.

Mehcad Brooks is just one line away from being "Shaft" with superpowers. Josh Lawson is the scene-stealer as racist, quipping psychopathic Australian turbo-dick Kano; but Hiroyuki Sanada is Hiroyuki Fucking Sanada; Jessica McNamee is excellent as Sonya Blade; we get to see Hiroyuki Sanada fight Joe Taslim from "The Raid" (here playing Sub-Zero); the always great Chin Han and Tadanobu Asano are given little to do as Shang Tsung and Raiden, but have great fun anyway.

Our lead is a bland character, which is fine because Lewis Tan has enough charisma and fight skill to remain engaging, and he is there to introduce us to the fucking weird world around him.

It's a bloody, fun, stupid, EXCELLENT time and I highly recommend it.

On a serious note: I appreciate how they didn't force Tadanobu Asano, Joe Taslim and Hiroyuki Sanada to speak English, and allowed them to speak Japanese and Chinese.