"The Drama" - Review

Charlie (Robert Pattinson) is about to get married to Emma (Zendaya). After a few too many wines, they play a game with the absolute worst possible person in the universe, future bridesmaid Rachel (Alana Haim) where they and best man Mike (Mamoudou Athie) each state the worst thing they have ever done. Mike starts, Rachel easily has the worst and laughs it off, Charlie plays along, then a nervous Emma reveals hers, and things take a turn...

(Photo Credit: Amazon Prime)
An excruciating little movie about communication and our own moral standards, as well as how we perceive them. I'm not a big "no spoilers" guy, though I shall say the marketing and premise revolve around the initial shock of the secret and how everybody reacts to it. Though, unlike the rather similar and far lower budget "Sleeping Dogs Lie" (where the title kind of gave away the secret...) it's harder to guess this one. The film is an interesting, knotty little drama (hah!) from the maker of the rather good "Dream Scenario", where characters raise the interesting idea early on that had the characters not known something, would they find it so heinous? Now that they do know, is it fair for them to react to it? The characters are fun and interesting, and I enjoy following them, as the situation gets complex and awkward and darkly hilarious to watch, whilst never really resorting to characters being mouthpieces: Emma (impeccably played by Zendaya) never actually did the thing she is so pilloried for, merely planned and considered it, so it's easy to sympathise with her, but the genie is out of the bottle now... Meanwhile Charlie (a delightfully droll, very late-stage Hugh Grant Pattinson) is a delight to follow as he gets into his own head, overthinks things, and reads into the little details with self doubt. Rachel, played wonderfully by Alana Haim, is definitely the cat amongst the pigeons here: if there are a million Rachel haters, I am one of them. If there are no Rachel haters, it is because I am dead. She is a fucking nightmare: this situation is all about her, even when other people are affected by it, she was clearly looking for a reason to hate Emma in the first place (though to the film's credit that is maybe something I am reading into, with my hatred of this vile, festering paint-drinking shit head of a human antithesis), her behaviour in her secret is infitely worse and something she laughs at and glosses over, and she's all about weaponinsing empathy and progressive language without practicing a thing about what she preaches.
The movie is funny, and a hard rough watch, and I enjoy the discomforting questions it will raise. Maybe rinse the mouth with "Sleeping Dogs Lie" after this one for a double bill. Poor Misha: she didn't deserve any of this.

"Exit 8" - Dentist, Escher, Judicial Scrivener, Review

On the underground, an indecisive young man (Kazunari Ninomiya) receives a phone call from his ex girlfriend informing him that he is to be a father. As he reels from this information, he finds himself in a corridor which loops. To escape, he must turn back when he finds an anomaly, and proceed when he does not. A surreal odyssey ensues...

(Source: Heaven of Horror)
I didn't even catch a trailer for this, so had the fortune of going in completely blind, being unaware of the videogame it was based upon (I'm still getting through the ".hack" quartet on the Playstation 2). Honestly that's the best way.
Its escalation felt videogame like, in the traditional sense, and helped with the 90 minute runtime, but holy shit we did it guys: We got a fantastic videogame movie which stands on its own, no caveats!
A clever and unpredictable little mindbender, immaculately edited (made to look like it's done in minimal takes. I particularly liked the looping structure coming full circle at the end, as simple as it was, and the cut to our protagonist's ex girlfriend as he sought an exit. Simple but effective) and committed to wrong-footing the audience whilst retaining a consistent logic, showing you all of the clues and letting you capture background details (fabulously shot too) before the protagonist does. As it settles into its time-loop, "Spot the Difference Puzzle" groove, it keeps finding ways to keep it fresh, with a stirling second act twist which had me grinning ear to ear (HAH!) and a wild swing in the third act which just about connected. If it's not quite as out-and-out terifying as "Undertone", it has surreal imagery and bold, creepy little parts to it, whilst being elevated by a genuinely clever, cerebral little tale of fatherhood, guilt, and choosing the right path by paying attention to the world rather than locking oneself in to the prisons of our own design. It's a better "Silent Hill" movie than most movies... A cracking time.

"Lee Cronin's: The Mummy" - The Movie: The Review.

Egyptian based journalist Charlie (Jack Reynor) and his physician wife Larissa (Laia Costa) are bereft when their daughter Katie goes missing one day. Years later, with another daughter, and still reeling, they receive a call from the Egyptian embassy and a detective assigned to their case (May Calamawy) telling them that Katie has been found...

(Credit: New York Times)
I'm ecstatic that Cronin can get his name in the title denoting this as a "Lee Cronin Project", and it certainly feels like that to the greater extent. Namely it splits the difference between his previous two works: the subtle kitchen sink Fae-tale "The Hole in the Ground" (with its uncanny, "the children are awry" focus on maws and bodily parts and eyes and big grand homes) and the balls-to-wall bloodbath "Evil Dead: Rise" (Lily Sullivan even shows up for a bit in a cameo role, probably thankful to be having an easier time of it here), with some spectacular gross imagery and wonderfully visceral gore. My favourite part was a creative, disgusting part with a scorpion in the final act (fuck scorpions, man). It juggles genres, not quite meshing with its detective adventures (honestly a highlight for me), haunted/possessed child narrative and horror of home care (which it could have gotten enormous mileage out of); though the final act comes together in a wonderfully gory, bloody display after a great funeral sequence and some flashes of blood and guts throughout. The old house they're in makes me wonder if Cronin wanted to originally do a period piece... It's a perfectly fun little horror which drags a little, come for the gore and some interesting fun bits, though it's not as mischievous as "Evil Dead: Rise" nor is it as intriguing and sinister as "Hole in the Ground". But on its own merits, it's alright.

"Project Hail Mary" - Lord and Miller of All They Survey

A man (Ryan Gosling) awakens on a spacecraft. The ship's computer (Priya Kansara! Fuck yes! 10/10 for that alone!) informs him that he is the only survivor, and he struggles to remember who he is or how he got here. Our man has a job to do...

(Credit: AZ Family)
A pleasant, perfectly cromulent and cheery little film, which pinballs between ideas with something of a smooth grace (using "Lost" style flashbacks throughout, though these are welcome in the first half they become superfluous and perfunctory in the second, despite good performances and being useful on paper), buouyed by a lovble performance from Gosling. He's certainly a better performer than Matt Damon, even if his character is only marginally more interesting than the bowl of glue that was "The Martian's" Mark Wattney. When the film settles into (spoilers I guess) buddy cop shenanigans, it really finds its groove and is enjoyable, though some of the methodical stuff beforehand, whilst nothing we've not seen before, is competently executed. At its core the movie is about communication through boundaries, co-operation and working together to solve an existential environmental crises across boundary lines (side note: there's a beautiful episode of "Planetes" called "Boundary Lines" which I highly recommend). It really drags and slows in the final act, and the token woman (Milana Vayntrub is dead before the film begins and gets two, maybe three lines. What a waste), the incredibly talented Sandra Huller, (Holy shit is "Zone of Interest" incredible) is given the stereotype of a German ballbuster who does not understand human emotions and is entirely focused on results and science, not these petty human "feelings". It is a jarring experience in the year 2026, though from what I understand the character is given even less in the book, so once again it fall to Drew Goddard to pull somebody's nuts out of the fire. Weir still can't write a character to save his life, but the performances are still good, and it's a light hearted film.

"Undertone" - Right Through the Night...

Evy (Nina Kiri) runs a horror themed podcast as a skeptic where, alongside her London-based believer friend Justin (Adam DiMarco), she receives, debunks and discusses various supernatural phenomena and media. Currently she lives with her dying mother (Michele Duquet) and the timezone difference is compounding her stress, so when Justin forwards her an unusual email loaded with audio files - she leaps at the opportunity to take her mind off of things. Then the night takes a turn...

I have watched a lot of horror films.
I've proselytised their wonders, their power and their effectiveness with a zeal bordering hagiographic.
I've seen the great ("It Follows", "The Thing", "House of the Devil", "The Blair Witch Project") the fairly spooky and good fun ("Insidious", "The Changeling", "Haunting of Hill House"), the bloody ("Rabid", "From Beyond", "Society"), the downright fucking dreadful ("Fear Dot Com", "Cry Wolf", "Imaginary"); horror movies of all stripes, every creed, every colour, every type. I've been in the trenches of dogshit. I've been the proclaimer of greatness, I've been the champion of atmosphere, of unique ideas, of gimmicks and flair; I've been a celebrant of trash, a connoisseur of crap, and that guy who will sit down and mock the dreadful and dissecting the good and the bad. I've had contrary opinions, I've had controversial takes, I've stuck by my guns. I like a good spook, I like a good scare, I meet movies halfway, I'll forgive a lot of junk. I think my credentials are on full display here, I'll chat with anybody about what works, what doesn't, what I enjoy, what I don't, and am generally a jaded, methodical, clinical cynical bastard when it comes to horror fims.
My partner met me 2 minutes after I left the screen.
My hand was shaking.
I needed a drink to calm my nerves.

"California Schemin'" - Title Contender of the Year

The year is 2003 and Dundee natives Gavin (Seamus McLean Ross) and Billy (Samuel Bottomley) work at a call centre alongisde the latter's girlfriend Mary (Lucy Halliday) but aspire to become the next big thing in hip hop. After an audition gets them mocked for their Scots accents, an insecure Gavin and more outgoing Billy get the idea to act American on their demos, send them in, get signed and expose the whole charade live on air at first opportunity to humiliate and expose the labels. But when their demos start taking off as "Silibil and Brains", they take to the life of fame and success...

(Photo credit: Rolling Stone)
A sweet little working class ode to Scotland and hip-hop (I like the frequent shots of the estates and skylines, and the graffiti) which uses the heist (I like the introduction of Jimmy pulling up in a car to rescue his friend: a true heist movie staple in addition to introducing this guy as a loyal free-wheeling friend) and backdrop to weave an interesting spin on the politics of identity and stage personas in hip-hop; and has an affection for its two characters. They're lovable scamps, and carry the film well. Seamus McLean Ross is the child of Ricky Ross and Elaine McIntosh, making him maybe the most Scottish man - though he does look like Sam Lake. It's a pleasant enough film, and the period piece setting is a sucker punch to me. It loses steam in the 3rd act almost entirely due to the nature of the story being told (which has been done a lot) but it's well acted - in particular the film really suffers when Lucy Halliday is not in it. She is one hell of a fucking find and absolutely steals the show. The true flex, however, is that James Corden shows up for some fucking reason, but James McAvoy manages to wrangle an acceptable performance from him. Kudos Jim.

"They Will Kill You" - Remar or Not...

Fresh out of prison and looking for her younger sister, Asia Reaves (Zazie Beetz. Also: har-har) gets a job at a high-rise apartment complex named "The Virgil" (har-har) as a maid. But it soon becomes apparent that she is intended as the sacrifice for the wealthy residents and their Lord Satan, and she must battle her way out.

(Credit: The New York Times)
It's an action movie knock-off of "Ready or Not", and not just from the trailer and basic premise of rich people being demonic and embarking on a "Most Dangerous Game": beat and moments occur pretty much in the same place (from a 3rd act betrayal and a helper amongst the rich, to a hand stabbing and a dark revelation), there is a comedic emphasis on the incompetence of the violent rich (here with the additional twist that they are immortal and come back to life) and their tomfoolery, and even some contract law towards the end. Holy shit, it even does the "what happened?" and a retort of "rich people"...
It's all done with an action movie bent, however, so despite some of the more glaring flaws (some superfluous repetitive dialogue for the second screens, a rather shallower cast of characters) the overly stylised and Samurai-adjacent shots which would otherwise be distracting are done in service to some fairly fun and well-choreographed fight sequences: I particularly enjoyed the sick as fuck burning axe sequence.
Meet it halfway on its own trashy terms and you'll enjoy it as an uneven but fun enough film just the right side of camp: Patricia Arquette is given a rather flat villain but makes her memorable with a dodgy Irish brogue; Paterson Joseph gets 4th billing (huzzah!) and James Remar shows up as a pig man, meaning that I am legally obliged to watch it; Tom Felton also shows up and is just dreadfully bland and forgettable.
Weirdly, however, there's a bizarre little foot fetish in the film. At first I thought it a little "Die Hard" homage, what with the towering building and the pursuit, but when the cult were introduced with a lingering licking of them, and then a large part of the film was Zazie Beetz in vents being followed from behind, and then fight scenes with frequent lingering kicks and pinning/stomping people (her shoes were destroyed, see, and the film makes a point of showing us this), I started to wonder... You do you, man, no shame here, but really? Is it necessary?

"Ready or Not: Here I Come"

Moments after surviving a bloodsport with her now very dead in-laws The Le Domas Family, blood-drenched bride Grace (Samara Weaving) awakens cuffed to a bed with her emergency contact, estranged sister Faith (Kathryn Newton) pissed at her ridiculous story of demonic cults. Before they can bury the hatchet, however, both are kidnapped for a "double or nothing" game for a seat at the table which rules the world from the shadows. Now hunted across a golf course by the wealthiest families on Earth, the siblings must bury the hatchet... into the blue-blooded necks around them...

(Source: Film Yap substack)
This was a fucking excellent time.
There was never really a need for a sequel to the rip-roaring bloodbath of "Ready Or Not" and its tale of how the rich really are demonic, vile losers; but as far as unecessary sequels go this is the most fun I've had in years. The makers (the seemingly always great collective "Radio Silence", behind the first film and the absolutely magnificent "Abigail") double down on the humour and throwbacks to the original (corpse pit, explosions of blood, and primal screaming from the always-excellent Samara Weaving. Watch her in "Mayhem" and "Guns Akimbo"), with the added twist of a fun buddy-cop framing with the ever-excellent Kathryn Newton. By the way: having both her and Kevin Durand (here playing a coke fiend knife-maniac called "Bill Wilkinson", perfection) alongside Weaving means that the lovable folks at Radio Silence are starting to form their own stable of fun fiends, and I am all for it. I just want Dan Stevens in it...
The movie was fun, extremely enjoyable stuff: we get a blind fistfight in a wedding hall to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" ( a highlight of the movie, great stuff which had me howling with laughter), suitably ludicrous bloody gibs, swords and rocket launchers, Nestor Carbonell bumbling around with a sniper rifle, Sarah Michelle Gellar dressed like a member of the landed gentry as she cavorts with an excellent Shawn Hatosy and a handgun on a quadbike, and Elijah Wood weaselling his way through it all. It's great fun, and the stakes keep getting slipperier and slipperier as Wood's unnamed Lawyer rattles off more by-laws, clauses and demonic caveats the families must abide if they are not to explode into ludicrous gibs.
The makers could not have predicted the arrival of the Epstein Files, however.
So this film is a perfectly timed, snarling indictment of the vampiric upper classes: pathetic bickering losers who were born into privilege, revel in sadistic depravity, and would kill entire bloodlines for a grasp as more power, but couldn't be trusted to guide piss up a wall. It's immensely satisfying watching them squirm and die, and there is no more apt visual for the time we live in now than the wealthy scrabbling within a pit of the rotting corpses of their sacrifices for a token of power, whilst the very world they have created burns and dies around them...
It's fantastic fun. Great time.
Oh yeah, David Cronenberg is in this! Hell yes!

"Arco"

In the distant future, when humanity lives in houses among the clouds, a young boy named Arco (Juliano Krue Valdi) defies his parents by stealing his sister's time-travel rainbow cape and crystal and flies back in time, despite being too young to do so. He ends up in the year 2075, a world of increasingly extreme weather, robot assistants and a young girl named Iris (Romy Fay), who finds him injured in the woods and brings him home. With her parents away, the two bond. But this peace cannot last: Argo must return to his own time, a strange trio of brothers (Andy Samberg, Will Ferrell and Flea for some fucking reason) are converging on them, and a wildfire looms.

(The Hollywood Reporter)
A charming little film, a lot better than fellow "Best Animated Feature" nominee "Little Amelie and the Secret of Rain", it's a pleasant fable about the gulf of technology between humanity, but also how it can bridge those gaps. Iris only sees her parents (Marky Mark Ruffalo and Natalie Portman, the latter of whom produced it) through holograms, a robot with the voice of both raises her, Arco's parents sleep suspended in the air untouching and detached, and humanity is so used to climate change and how deeply they've fucked the planet that they construct biomes and bubbles around themselves for protection. There's a lot said for connection and humanity in it, be it the central relationship between Arco and Iris, their rather sweet robot protector, or even the reasoning behind the bickering trio's pursuit of them (Andy Samberg's one gets the best line, for my money, when he says that "if you love somebody, you want to make them happy even if they never know it", which leads to the soaring act of heroism for a character): it's an enjoyable enough little film, and ends a tad darkly and poingnantly, whilst never overstaying its welcome.
(Note: I only got the dubbed version)

"One Last Deal" - Dyer Another Day

On a sweltering hot day in London Town, the trial of a football superstar Matt Gravish for rape has concluded and the media awaits a verdict. None await it moreso than his foul-mouthed agent Jimmy Banks (Danny Dyer), who tries to secure a lucrative contract for his meal-ticket should he be found innocent. As he waits for the verdict and spins multiple plates, he contends with a mysterious blackmailer, his messy private life, and that client himself...

(Credit: The Guardian)
Dyer is fantastic here, genuinely great in this odious, snarling, chomping, foul-mouthed burn-out who's hitting the end of this rope. I'm elated to see him at this point in his career, subverting and aging with his audience of "lads and hard men" into something like this: Jimmy Banks is the kind of character I love follwing in that he's just an awful, empty and hollow human being doing his job really well, as the emptiness and the void slowly consume him, because without this job he's nothing. It's long overdue and between this and "Marching Powder" Dyer is proving adept at capturing that man trying to wriggle free of his own darkness, and when the movie swerves into darker elements of the story (for it is a swerve despite the set-up) he is not the problem: he aquits himself wonderfuly. It's a movie carried on the performance of Dyer, and he's fucking great here: good job there!
Plus he dances to "Football's Coming Home" shitfaced and off-the-wagon: which I read as a wonderfully dark send up of his earlier works. Context matters!
The script starts strong, it sets up the plates and juggles well for the first half, but its swerve into darkness in the second and here falters: it's all a tad too contrived and staged, aiming for a serious message and odyssey into the heart of darkness but coming across as a "message play" as a result, thus not quite earning its dark parts. I appreciate the swing, and the structure is solid and doesn't overstay its welcome or stretch, but maybe stick around for the performance of Dyer rather than the second half scripting.

"Scarlet" - Review

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
The kindly king Amlet (Masachika Ichimura, the voice of Mewtwo) is betrayed and slain by his cruel, scheming brother Claudius (A towering Koji Yakusho) in front of his kindly daughter Scarlet (Mana Ashida); and when her plan for vengeance is foiled, she finds herself in a strange realm between the living and the daughter. Single minded in her quest for vengeance, she seeks out Claudius in this dark and unusual land, and finds herself not only tracked by his minions, but stalked by a terrifying dragon, and travelling alongside Hijiri (Masaki Okada), who calls himself a "paramedic", on this odyssey into mortality and the soul...

(Photo Credit: Crunchyroll. The only context you'll see me credit them. Fuck Crunchyroll, absolute state of that fucking place.)
I have always preferred Mamoru Hosoda to Makoto Shinkai, the two big anime "auteurs" going today, and had a cracking time with "Belle". As expected: the style is rather striking. In the new world the animation is photographs and real backdrops with shimmering 3D animation over the top of them - reflecting the familiar disonance and disconnect, it's effective (though maybe not really for me in parts? A few of the early 3D shots took some getting used to and reminded me of the newer 3D anime stuff I don't really like, personal preference, though don't worry it's not as bad as shit ike "Exarm" or that incredible helicopter sequence in "Golgo 13: The Professional") and the more traditional sequences are pretty enough. Plus the dragon looks fucking awesome, and kind of terrifying and ominous too - an embodiment of dread and the darkest impulses consuming and looming over all. There's a musical sequence, which is pretty enough, and some energetic and fluid fight sequences I rather enjoy.
The central relationship is a buddy cop adventure between a "softening ice queen" and a gentle pacifist: you've seen it before but it's all fairly competently done, and I did find myself liking these two characters (Scarlet in particular was a fine line to walk, and done well), which is essential. It was fun following the various Hamlet characters and seeing how and when they turn up (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are a pair of murder clowns, whilst minor players Valdemar and Cornelius are the burly goons, for example), though the reach and grasp are a touch excessive: I wasn't quite gripped and immersed in the quest and plotline, but enjoyed the themes of vengeance (as well-trodden as they are) are sure to resonate with people, and tie well into the foreshadowing and planted imagery and ideas. It's well-constructed but didn't quite soar personally for me, though I am glad it avoided the excesses of anime peers. Beautiful to look at, and a fantastic Claudius performance from Koji Yakusho, but I wish it were bolder or less-traditional in its narrative. It's good.

"Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die" - Leo Grande

One night at the Norms diner in Los Angeles, a stranger clad in plastic and wiring (Sam Rockwell) staggers in claiming to be from the future and ready to detonate the bomb attached if he isn't obeyed: he is here to recruit the various diners for a mission to save the future, by destroying an AI which ruins their future, and their present, but hasn't figured out the right combination yet. A ragtag group of pressganged "volunteers" accompany the stranger on an evening voyage of madness... and possibly to save the future...

(Photo Credit: KCCI)
A slice of much needed gonzo madness, bright, bonkers and a definite return to form for Gore Verbinski (who keeps a tight hand on the reins to stop it from spiralling too far even as the nonsense and layers pile up), certainly his best since "Mouse Hunt". The film certainly owes a big debt to "Everything, Everywhere, All At Once" (I believe that Hollywood would never have released or even considered this were it not for that film doing gangbusters and making all of the money), and captures that same madcap energy. The opening, however, is pure Verbinski, namely "Mouse Hunt" (his best until this one): lots of cleverly synchronised, visually striking shots of spinning things in the diner, swooping parallels to the journey ahead; and it doesn't really let up after that. Verbinski's been doing this for years and I like it, plus I always appreciate a "Sorcerer" style series of vignettes to tell us about the people on this journey. It hops straight in and doesn't waste too much time with exposition, knowing that you're just along for the ride, throwing out "Groundhog Day" as shorthand for proceedings so you know what you're in for; and I respect that. The cast bounce along wonderfully, and I appreciate that the makers have gone for the least obvious names: Rockwell is phenomenal as always, Haley Lu Richardson makes a wonderful impact and indeed nearly steals the show as a princess in combat boots who "creeps out" the stranger; Zazie Beetz and Michael Pena as married teachers are fun, and Juno Temple (giving off Kristen Wiig energy) appears as a single mother, and is excellent. It's genuinely funny, and the gonzo energy keeps it buouyant and enjoyable as it clocks at over two hours. It flags a tad in the final act confrontation, but does have Rockwell doing what everybody wanted to do to The Catalyst in "Mass Effect 3" so earns back so much good will from that. Whilst it takes a lot of satirical swings, most of them land, and are in service to its excellent script by Matthew Robinson (who wrote the delightful "Dora and the Lost City of Gold").
It's exciting, bonkers, different, fresh and original. And thus it's not doing well.

The Van Dammeathon - "Black Eagle"

Ooooh boy.
That last one was something of a classic, a true cult film and a showcase for what the man and myth (and Canon) could do. Worlds started opening up for Van Damme at this point, his star began to climb: he was a man who could kick, and starred in a big action movie, there's always a space for that on the videostore shelves. This coincided with a rise in a supposed "Ninja Phenomenon" that I am thoughtlessly regurgitating here. To be fair, people were getting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a lot of Godfrey Ho stuff was being pumped out, cartoons and shows seemed to have a ninja character, the classic "Neuromancer" told tales under a sky tuned to the channel of television static with a ninja bodyguard against the backdrop of "the rise of Japan" (a common thing in fiction of the 80s to be fair, Zaibatsus and "Japanese Superpower" are common tropes in cyberpunk.) Hell, I distinctly remember watching a movie on telly as a kid where a purple-clad ninja uses handguns to slide down the cable of a lift and I can never remember what it was, and may have hallucinated it. If you know which movie that is, I would be extremely grateful.

Credit: Rotten Tomatoes. Holy fuck it may be "The Phantom"!
The king of these was Sho Kosugi: he starred in the utterly ridiculous Canon trilogy of "Enter the Ninja", "Revenge of the Ninja" (the best one, a hilariously good trash time), and "Ninja 3: The Domination", and was something of a cult B-movie star of his own niche at the time (I like him in "Blind Fury" - that movie's fun if you get a chance). This is a vehicle for him, and for his son Kane Kosugi (who would later appear in "Cat's Eye", "Godzilla Final Wars" and "DOA: Dead or Alive" - fuck yeah), coming at the tail end of the ninja craze in 1988... Our man Van Damme gets to play the villain here!
I give you, after much preamble: "Black Eagle".

(Photo Credit: Rotten Tomatoes, and apparently every dad's video shelf)

So, the concept!
A plane goes down over Malta, and it has a missile guidance system aboard. The Americans want it, but so do the Russians. The Russians (under Colonel Klimenko) have sent their best man (our boy!) Andrei to retrieve it; so does CIA bigwig Rickert (William Bassett)

(Jim Houseman from "Metal Gear Solid"! He only died last year, bloody hell. RIP Dude.)
Not to be outdone: they need to send their best man: Ken "Black Eagle" Tani (Sho Kosugi) to go get it, but he's on his mandatory holiday with his kids: thus they scoop up his two sons (Kane and Shane Kosugi, no notes on naming your children there Sho: perfect) to join him in Malta, make a holiday of it, and beat the Russians to the prize! He is accompanied by a reticent former agent/priest (Bruce French) and a current agent (Doran Clark), on a wacky Bond-esque race to the jet!
This fucking sucks as a premise. If you told me this was a knock-off of a knock-off (like a Weng Weng movie, or an Italian copyright case waiting to happen), which had somehow found its way to the desk of Sho Kosugi's agent, I'd believe you. I'm 400% certain that Kosugi did this not to make a family comedy or spy movie, but to hang out with his kids, so it gets a point for that:

But when I'm getting a Sho Kosugi movie, I at least want a premise where I am guaranteed he'll kick some ass, especially if I'm doing a Van Damme movie night and the premise is "he's the goon." But more on that later.
Concept: 2 (I'm generous because him being with his kids is wholesome)
Execution.
Fuck me.

Alright, aside from summing it up with that admittedly awesome image, I'll let you know now that that colour grade and tone is what you're in for. This film commits the worst possible sin, particularly for "dad-violence" action movies and Van Damme kick-athons with Sho Kosugi as a super spy, in that it's incredibly dull. We mostly have half-hearted "Casino Royale" spy shenanigans in the hotel, and the action sequences are Sho Kosugi luring a guy round a corner, shivving him, and maybe a half-finished martial arts fight WITHOUT MUSIC. I have taken the liberty of taking screen shots for you here:

Hell yeah, right?!
That comes an hour and ten minutes in, lasts maybe a minute, and isn't even the final fight. The majority of the movie is this:

And then shots of Malta.
Plus it makes other weird choices too: our hencheman Andrei (Van Damme) keeps flirting with a nice lady on the Russian boat, and they seem to get along! He seduces her, and they get to hook up, but then in the finale (spoilers I guess) he saves her life when the boat explodes, and there's been this whole "honorable henchman" fight going on between him and Kosugi, the kind of thing which is part and parcel in these movies (immaculately done in "Hard Boiled" and "The Raid"), only for Kosugi to attach Andrei to a boat propellor and mince him in the water, and for the love interest to scream. It's weirdly off-kilter and unpleasant.
And our hero finds the plane 45 minutes in, gets the thing and gives it to Rickert, and the mission should be over! Only Rickert pulls a new objective out of his arse, the two kids get sent home (thus even tossing out the potential conflict of Kosugi having to go and do spy stuff in time to get back to his holiday with kids he doesn't see enough of, which the movie has been attending with the effort of an AI advocate writing something) and the movie spins its wheels further, remembering that we're supposed to have a battle between martial artists at some point.

Stellar work, straight out of the choreography of a Danny Dyer fight in a car park.
The closest I get to good filmaking is the beginning when we get a contrast between the CIA outpost and the KGB ones:

They look like a poorer, grittier outpost (likely a result of the lower budget) and then we meet Rickert in a restaurant ordering wine. I'll fucking take it.
Execution: 1.
Charm.
Okey dokey, there are a couple of... standouts.

Aside from that, I do get a little bit of glee from seeing the most conspicuous henchmen yet, pictured here spying on the heroes in the airport of Malta:

Brilliant, I kind of respect the audacity there, that's actually a baller move. Just you guys wait, we have an entry coming later which is even more brazen...
I suppose we do get Van Damme chasing Sho with a bit of wood ala Shaun's stepdad Phillip after 2 kicks and some circling 20 seconds into their fight, which does make me giggle:

The finest in "kids on the playground" choreography.
Charm: 2.

Villain Time!
i cannot remember the name of the main villain, or even if he died at the end, and I am writing the review... I suppose Van Damme plays the villain's henchman, but there isn't enough of him:

Him, and the bit of wood are the best bits to me, you can watch his scenes online, and your cup of tea will still not have finished brewing.
Villain: 1.
So the score stands at 6.
Bonus points round!
We get splits:

And here:

There is a sex scene, but Van Damme doesn't get his arse out, so what's the point? And there are no other collaborators: he never worked with Kosugi again, which is a shame, they deserved a chance to kick some ass.
Final Score: 7.
A disappointing effort, and a stumbling block in terms of potential, but they can't all be winners, and I'm glad we're getting them out of the way early...

"Wasteman" - Review

Taylor (David Jonsson) is an inmate working in the prison kitchens, informed that he is eligible for early release due to the strain on the system. As he prepares for release, and keeps his head down, he is given a new cellmate in the form of Dee (Tom Blyth) - an impulsive, violent, arrogant man intent on becoming the new contraband master of the cells.

(Credit: Big Issue)
A remarkable, tense prison movie. It opens on a 70s wide shot of the bars Taylor peers out of, and some harrowing mobile phone footage of a beating, so we know exactly what we are in for. Jonsson, basically proving himself to be "cheat mode" for actors, continues his home run of diverse, interesting, fantastic performances with a nuanced, physical squirrelly Taylor. As always he is fantastic. The film is simultaneously a well-written boiling point movie (from writers Eoin Doran and Hunter Andrews), with impeccable use of mobile phone and surveillance footage to add a gritter, seedier look at the grit behind bars (but never grit for the sake of it: the opening is genuinely nasty and unpleasant but establishes the sky-high stakes of messing with the sneering Paul, a change of pace for Alex Hassell, and Gaz played by Corin Silva with a subtler unpredictability; whilst the anarchic nihilism of people "on the album tour of the wings" and showing off machetes is such specific absurdity that it must be from a real story); and also a damning look at the prison system: unerstaffing, crumbling infrastructure, rampant drug use and no time to care or stop anything due to the underpayment (I liked the little detail of a guard finishing his packet of crisps with resignation as an alarm goes off, cutting off his break) and understaffing. It's a grimy, gritty, lower budget fare, and the escalation is brilliant, handled impeccably by director Cal McMau and carried effortlessly by Jonsson.
For me, however, a true sign of talent was Tom Blyth: an actor who managed to go toe-to-toe, blow-for-blow, scene for scene with David Jonsson is not only worthy of respect and admiration, but paying atention to for the future. He makes Dee not simply terrifying, unpredictable and genuinely a force of menace on screen whom you know is lurking in the alleyways of less-privileged neighbourhoods without resorting to anything cartoony, but he and the other more feral bastards' moments of humanity imbue with with a darker, horrifying amplification of their menace: he genuinely looks out for Taylor when he finds out he has a son, you can see them actually maybe one day being friends, and he has tears in his eyes when he is asked what he did to be placed behind bars; is it a remorse, or a realisation that he has placed himself in a death spiral and is losing the humanity he sees in Taylor? Impeccable lightning rod performances from both he and Jonsson, the best of the year so far aside from maybe Rose Byrne.
A brutal, gruelling watch, and an audacious debut which I will not watch again for some time.

"If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" - Review of a Waking Nightmare

Therapist Linda (Rose Byrne) is struggling to take her awful daughter (who requires a feeding tube) to hospital appointments whilst her husband is away, whilst a hole opens up in her flat and the landlord cannot be arsed to fix it, and her clients are getting ever needier and clingier...

(Photo Credit: The New Yorker)
Rose Byrne is quite rightly gettign acclaim for this: a white knuckle stress cascade, where the entire world is buffetting you. She's utterly mesmerising in this, and the praise is well earned. I've liked Rose Byrne for a while, and seeing her cut loose? Fantastic. The film itself is also incredibly well-made: tight enclosed corridors, lots of close ups, a wickedly dark sense of humour, never seeing the daughter's face (much like in "Good Boy") because she's not a person: she's a presence, an all consuming void, a FUCKING NIGHTMARE (seriously: Linda is woman worthy of "Mother of the Year" Award for not murdering this wretched goblin) and the choke around her neck she must pretend to be proud of living for with gritted teeth. The countless injustices and minor annoyances and great problems piled upon her like the cloaks of Draco in mythos never feel like a misery porn parade, and more like a stress wildfire burning through the soul: oh COME THE FUCK ON! WHAT NOW?! It's twisting and turning and unpredictable, and Rose Byrne is remarkably good at keeping us on Linda's side throughout, how she doesn't die of stress-induced heart attacks is a miracle. An excellent film about the impossible decks stacked against working mothers in society.
Fun to see Christian Slater (doing a pretty good Albert Brooks impression), A$AP Rocky, Ivy Wolk from "Anora" and, for some bloody reason, Conan O'Brien too!
I want to kill that child with a shoe.
It's the sort of horror which challenges and confronts you: it makes me question my kneejerk decisions and reactions, examine the depths of a soul..
Don't watch "Scream 7".
Watch something which is art for the sake of art.

"Little Amelie or the Character of Rain" - Review

Amelia is born in a vegetative state. As she dreams and wonders, life goes on for her parents and two siblings. One day, aged 3, she awakens.

(Credit: imdb)
Beautifully animated, with parts of Amelie's world looking like crayon drawings done by a child, and with an excellently edited sequence in a kitchen as a parallel to a character's story as she cooks, for example: it's a rather pretty film.
Unfortunately the film succumbs to the worst of its precocious child impulses after straddling two lanes for too long: we open on the child describing herself as God, and how God is a cylinder, then she awakens and is internally furious that her Godlike impulses are not indulged. It's an interesting start to proceedings, and makes one curious about the existentialism which may follow, but then the film settles into a standard coming-of-age story, but with the backdrop of expats in rural Japan. That story doesn't settle or thrive as much as it should, through the eyes of a precocious child, and thus the promised existentialism and longing and loss when people leave their life never soars, and instead comes off as middle class whining. It has a lovely score, and a few nice pieces of symbolism, and the story is clearly personal to the author, but could have been so much more.

"Crime 101" - Review

A jewel thief is committing robberies along the 101 Highway in Los Angeles. Mike (Chris Hemsworth) doesn't use violence, is meticulous, and always hits high value targets. His story collides with the burnt out aging Lou (Mark Ruffalo), a detective unravelling and becoming obsessed with the robberies as his own life falls apart; and that of Sharon (Halle Berry): an insurance broker hitting a brick wall in her life. With another job on the horizon, and a new thief (Barry Keoghan) also on the loose, Mike's perfectly planned little world begins to come apart...

(Credit: Showcase Cinemas)
It's nothing you've not seen before, but the execution is astounding. Director Bart Layton (weirdly NOT adapting Don Westlake, as I thought from the trailer, as it feels very much like an adaptation of "Parker") throws "Thief" (a LOT of that movie), "The Driver", "Drive", "Heat" and any other number of cops and robbers movies into a blender and hits puree. The ingredients are familiar (Ruffalo's detective is a pile of cliches heaped into a suit, Nick Nolte unfortunately shows up to grumble-mumble his way through a scene, Barry Keoghan plays the psychotic young upstart who changes the game), with a brilliantly composed thief unable to make human connections and a cop on the edge whilst "one last job" brews and our thief meets a girl and yadda-yadda... But the result is actually fantastically well shot and put together: lots of parallel edits, Mike shot in boxes and lines to match his possible future in prison and his orderly life, little details to flesh out the characters and their worlds, touches and flourishes, great lighting and use of mood and atmosphere. Despite mentally ticking off a list of things I'd logged and registered, I felt my butthole puckered tight during the finale as it genuinely gripped me and threw a few curveballs in the last act. Keoghan steals the show with a fantastic brazen daylight robbery, a pink motorcycle jacket and a great chase; but Ruffalo and Berry really worked in the leads and elevated their characters, whilst Hemsworth suits this nicely. Jennifer Jason Leigh is utterly wasted in a thankless 2 scene role.
I enjoyed this more than I thought.

"Send Help" - But Not For Me!

Underappreciated, underfucked and underestimated for the last time, meek "Planning and Strategy" lady Linda Liddle (Rachel McAdams) is at the end of her rope when her consultancy firm's new shithead boss Bradley Preston (Dylan O'Brien) passes her over for the promotion promised to her by his father, in favour of one of his dickhead friends in braces. When a flight they are on runs aground, however, and both Linda and Bradley are the only survivors, the tables turn as Linda reveals just how capable she is...

(Photo credit: Bedford Playhouse)
I've missed you Sam Raimi, you son of a bitch.
His first directorial effort since "Dr Strange and the Multiverse of Madness" (which I honestly would not have known was a Raimi movie had you not told me: what was the point in getting him to do it if you were sanding off the edges and having him make placeholder stuff? I know why, "name" and "brand!" fucking Disney), it has the halmarks and tricks I love from him.
We get a focus in the intro on details, closeups of eyes and mouths and noses and bits of food left over; we get an utterly twisted, bloody, wicked sense of humour; Looney Toons violence, that swooping camera shot we know him for, even a Bruce Campbell cameo! All it's missing is Ted Raimi, and is all the lesser for it, though we do get his daughter! Sam's, not Ted's. We're all daughters of Ted.
Rachel McAdams is a fucking delight in this, relishing the material, tearing into the flesh of the character as she evolves and devolves, a true gift for an actor. Dylan O'Brien is a fucking shithead and Pantomime evil in this, and I respect the excellent job he does. I'm not familiar with his work but great job man! Raimi embraces the turns and twists of the script, which would otherwise be a joke in the wrong hands, and goes helter-skelter with it. This is stupendous, bloody fun and I had an excellent time. My cinema was crowded and howling, loving life.
Two guys behind me went "oh FUCK YOU Sam, we should have seen that coming" with glee and affection. He's been missed.
And great use of Blondie, even if it's not "Dreaming".
Rachel McAdams fights a boar, film of the year.

"Iron Lung" - Review

The stars have gone out. As humanity's fleshy remnants corrode, a convict (Mark Fischbach) is sealed into a metal submarine and set forth onto a mysterious world where the oceans are made of blood, in order to find something, anything which could save them...

(Credit: The Equinox)
A passon project written by, starring and directed by Mark Fischbach (a YouTuber known as "Markiplier", whose work I am unfamiliar with) who funded it himself (refreshingly and unusually: there are no production logos at the start, it's straight into the opening credits after the BBFC logo) and insisted on a cinematic release. Good for him, this is a triumph of the underdog and independent art: it's doing well, and is clearly a passion project for him.
As a directorial debut it's overly long, far too bloated, and Fischbah does not have a great grasp of tension, so the pacing is dog rough and leads to boredom rather than any rising dread. I for one was a sucker for the "Poltergeist" TV shot however. Fischbach is a fair actor, far better than expected for a YouTube content monkey, and acquits himself well enough, but is not strong enough for a premise such as this, though he does a solid enough job with a monologue towards the end. The support are fine (you can tell Troy Baker is in this because he advocates yanking a ladder up) with Caroline Rose Kaplan doing rather well, and the low budget is used impeccably: it's the kind of filmmaking I respect right there, well done. Andrew Hulshult's soundtrack is understated and rather good.
The film's cosmic horror and yo-yoing between genres feels less like unpredictability and more throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks. Funnily enough this creates an inverse problem of most modern horror movies in that the build up is tedious and uninspiring, but the ending blows it out of the park with the kind of madness and horror I would expect and need from a project like this. It does some Gibson-esque world building with a couple of its lines (not quite "They set a slamhound on Turner’s trail in New Delhi, slotted it to his pheromones and the color of his hair." or "flew a Gullfire over the fires of Leningrad" but things about the last tree burning for example are good) and uses the cost-saving lower budget aesthetic to build a world where humanity is on its last legs. However it wants to have its cake and eat it too: a casualty of the overlong runtime. It could strip back the dialogue and leave things to stew and dwell, but also does flashbacks and conversations which aren't as fleshed out as they should be, like trying to split the metaphors of a difference engine.
However.
As a debut project it is certainly ambitious, and more interesting to discuss than most. I always appreciate a swing and a miss more than something playing it safe.
There are enough sparks of interesting ideas here (the details of the submarine and processes of his investigation are highlights: they feel like an adventure game, and show a twinkle of craft) that I would like to see Fischbach (who seems like a lovely bloke, and I am ELATED somebody with as large a platform as he seems to have supporting cinema and art) move forward as a filmmaker. Would I buy it on DVD? Probably not. Would I urge you to support this art which seems to be resonating with a huge fanbase (and honestly if it gets them into any sort of smaller budget bottle movie horror and cosmic ideas or hell, gets somebody to watch the very reminiscent "Event Horizon" then fan-fucking-tastic) and is an earnest expression of a person in their form? Absolutely. This is the kind of art we need. I didn't like it, found it quite weak in fact, but holy hell what a swing. Good for you man!

"No Other Choice" - Review

Man-su (Lee Byung-hun, always excellent) is the manager of a paper plant, with a beautiful life, two excellent dogs, a loving wife named Lee Mi-ra (Son Ye-jin), a teenage stepson and a gifted cellist daughter. But when he is given the axe at the plant in a takeover, he struggles to make ends meet and witnesses his life slip away. But Man-su is a provider, and will not be edged out of this industry, and he has an idea: an excellent, if taboo, idea...

(Credit: Neon)
I adored this.
After the resounding misfire/"Tell Me Something" knockoff "Decision to Leave": Park Chan-wook, the master of mischievous mayhem, has come back swinging with a pinpoint-accurate, razor sharp satire on capitalism, the job market and societal expectations of masculinity and the class system of providers. It's tricksy, slippery, immaculately crafted and shot (it feels like a timepiece in the filmmaking mastery on display: with exquisitely framed shots of windows and nature, impeccable editing and split shots with things like fire and phone calls, and a beautiful mirroring at both ends. I was particularly fond of an early shot of the van with "It's What's Inside") and featuring fantastic performances across the board. Byung-hun is always brilliant, here shedding his traditional badass ("A Bittersweet Life" rules) style to wonderful effect: an extremely funny, yet dark and twisted little performance of a man justifying and reflecting and self-actualising all in one go, and Son Ye-jin is magnificent in equal measure: I thought she'd be more of a "Lady Macbeth" type role from the trailer (and Park Chan-wook's prior sense of humour and mischief) but no! She was unusual and enigmatic and had a lot to do, refreshingly so for a woman in a movie.
The film is stunningly well told, and has the funniest murder I have ever seen captured on film, well in recent memory at least. Wonderful stuff and what cinema should be: a singular vision told collaboratively.

"Primate" - It's Pretty Hard Out Here for a Chimp

Lucy (Johnny Sequoyah) returns home to Hawaii, to reconnect with her sister Erin (Gia Hunter), deaf novelist father Adam (Troy Kotsur) and the latter's long-term chimp Ben (Miguel Torres Umba). But as she and her friends relax, unwind and bond, something is wrong with Ben...

(Credit: Vue)
This does exactly what it says on the tin: an excellent time and a real rip-roaring crowd pleaser. A man gets his face torn off in the first 2 minutes, Rob Delaney appears, and the finale is a monkey fistfighting a man. They use the deafness of one of its leads well (it's nice to see), there are some creative kills, great blood effects. Yes, the most charismatic character and actor (Jessica Alexander) gets killed off, and the film is not as clever as some would like, but it does the job well. Killer monkey. Excellent stuff, much my jam.

The Van Dammeathon - "Bloodsport"

Two movies in, and we're at the stone cold classic (I know he'd done cameos in other movies before these but I'm not covering those), and to be honest I'm as surprised as you are that we've hit it this early. You cannot tell the story of "Bloodsport" without breifly going into the tale of Cannon Films:
Iconic doesn't do them justice. When you think of 80s trash, nonsense and the sort of old movies people would parody and cuts clips out of to describe the excess and ludicrousness of the era, Cannon is probably who you're thinking of. Weirdly Cannon started as the kind of studio we need in the ecosystem: odd outsiders who'd take risks, gamble on foreign films and weird projects in the 70s with musicals about the garden of Eden, Dutch thrillers, all sorts of strange things we don't really get in the mainstream. Hell, they distributed "Joe" which is supremely underrated, horror classic "Blood on Satan's Claw" in between various sexploitation movies and cheap action junk. They made a fair bit of money with knockoffs (like the telepathic shark movie "Mako: The Jaws of Death") and the classic standbys of sexploitation, cheap slashers and (quite boring) action movies; then they teamed up with two maniacs named Golan and Globus who supercharged them in the best way possible.
I'd recommend the 2 documentaries on Cannon Films ("Electric Boogaloo" is the better of the two) but in short: make 'em cheap, make a striking poster, get fading stars or unknowns and make them fun. And if you want to REALLY make it? Pump out knock offs which will look good on the video shop shelves. It bloody worked: I love this 80s era of carnage, chaos and candy coloured poster and box art. It is the perfect setting for getting some friends round, having a few beers, and enjoying a good bad time. "Revenge of the Ninja" is a personal favourite (check out Junta Juleil's Culture Shock for a far funnier breakdown on that movie than I could ever do), "Seven Magnificent Gladiators" (a rip off of, you guessed it, "On Golden Pond"), "Exterminator 2" and the actually quite good, Oscar nominated "Runaway Train". We owe them a debt we cannot repay for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", "American Ninja 2", "Masters of the Universe" and "Cobra".
"Bloodsport" is peak Cannon films.
Released in 1988, it was based upon the life of martial artist Frank Dux (allegedly...) and has the perfect shitstorm of chaos for a Cannon film: a hungry young star, a catching title (seriously, top 10 movie titles ever, alongside "Manborg", "Robocop", "Surf Nazis Must Die" and "Bloodfist"), low budget, violence, cheese, chaos, and a cool poster no matter which one you go for. You see this thing on a marquee or on the shelf of a video shop? You're in there. I know I am.
It's called fucking Bloodsport!
Anyway on with the show!
Premise:
Van Damme plays Frank Dux (pronounced like the old term for fisticuffs and not the animal, surprisingly, and yes they do make that joke), a budding young martial artist in the Legion, flees his military base to Hong Kong, where he will participate in a secret martial arts tournament known as the "Kumite" to honour his dying mentor Tanaka.
And that's it! Honestly, perfect. It's simple, to the point, and lean: it allows us to focus on the martial arts and athleticism, the highlights and strong points of Van Damme this early in his career.

If you were to ask for a typical Van Damme premise, the stuff where he'd excel, or ask me to come up with a "Van Damme" movie: it'd honestly be that, every ingredient from the Legion base, the underground tournament, the globe-trotting martial artists and all!
Premise: 5
A great start so far, but the devil is in the details:
Execution:
Honestly, it's simple but effective stuff, it works cometently enough. Director Newt Arnold (who worked on the fucking Godfather 2) does a good job with the framing and set up, and the story by Shedon Lettich and Frank Dux works. We open on a montage of martial arts:

From our leading villain, no less. But more on him later.

To this nice little mirroring, good job movie!
Then whatever the fuck this is...

The less said about this the better. It was a different time! It was... 1988? Fuck me...

Much better...
The movie is a simple tale of a man entering a tournament, proving his worth, making friends along the way, and defeating a proper dickbag. Classic stuff. We also have a pair of investigators tracking down Dux to bring him back and/or stop him from entering the Kumite in the first place:

But they are really only here to pad the film out to 90 minutes: though it is cool seeing a young Forest Whitaker, already a charismatic actor and the more relaxed, patient of the two. The same can be said of Leah Ayres' reporter: here to spice up the testosterone fest, but she's a likable enough performer. The movie understands what its audience wants: martial arts.
And we get those in spades! They are interspersed with flashbacks to the training, with Roy Chiao as the Master Tanaka

It's good stuff, charming, though nothing you haven't seen before. However, would you want anything different?
It's iconic for a reason and, competently (moreso than many other movies) all of Dux's training comes back later on throughout the movie, like "Lost" but only more mental.
It's earnest, and that's its strength: there's even a Stan Bush theme song during the tournament which is maybe 80% of the reason people remember it.
Cheesy and breezy, great stuff.
Execution: 3.
Now for what I think most people like about the movie: Charm.

The film is so much fun. From being chased by agents to a weirdly upbeat song, designed solely to show off the streets of Hong Kong:

To the delivery and execution of what should be simple beats, the film just feels like a glorious relic of another time. Everybody is playing it so wonderfully, there's a lot of love and enjoyment on screen, par for the course with a Cannon Film. Donald Gibb rightfully steals the show in many reviews as "Jackson", the best friend and supportive buddy character: he's introduced in that montage at the start looking a little crazy, but properly on the bus hitting on a girl with "You wanna get with a big man?" only to immediately understand that silence means no, go back to his beer and bond with Frank over videogames.

Absolute fucking Chad.
He spends the rest of the movie smashing dudes in the ring, being loud, and looking like a deranged wrestler on coke.

Seriously, I love him:

But even the smaller parts are just as fun and interesting: Ken Siu plays the lovable guide and local supporter Lin:

And he's great.
Hell, Leah Ayres' Janice has a quite funny moment where she goes "in disguise" to cover the Kumite and dresses like this:

More is more in this movie, it does not know restraint. Sassy dudes live rent free in my head when they come to see Dux screw up a brick trick:

Everybody is on the same page and I find it glorious: during an early training segment where Dux wears a blindfold to serve tea to Master Tanaka and his wife, we cut to a reaction shot of Mrs Tanaka and I can only describe it as weapons' grade thirst:

Then whilst everything is not at 11 with the acting, the filmmakers make the smart decision to show off Hong Kong and all of its beauty, horror and wonder:

And here where they shoot it like an urban Anthony Wong cop horror movie:

The tourism board should hire these guy, they make Hong Kong awesome.
Charm: 5
I love this movie.
Now we talk about Bolo Yeung.
Villain.
Chong Li is our main bad guy here, the undefeated champion, merciless martial artist, death machine and living embodiment of the Giga Chad meme:

Yeung is fantastic here: I expect nothing less from an alumnus of Bruce Lee movies. He tears his way through the tournament, sneering and boasting and bragging with his facial expressions alone:

A top tier villain, hissably devilish and complete with his own built in scoreboard at the tournament in one of those "Wait what the fuck?" little scenes:

After the cartoonish bully of the last film and the 3 or 4 others in "No Retreat, No Surrender", it's distressingly refreshing to have one guy who just sucks and is good at it.I just wish there were more of him, as he's a fun character and good martial artist. Supremely talented
Villain: 4.
I now come to the tally which is already an impresively top tier 18. But there are bonus points!
Collaborators: We have Sheldon Lettich ("Lionheart", "Double Impact", "Legionnaire", "The Order", "The Hard Corps"), Bolo Yeung ("Double Impact"), Frank Dux ("Lionheart" and "The Quest"), and a cameo from Michel Qissi ("Kickboxer", "Lionheart" and "Kickboxer Vengeance"). That's 4 there.
But wait, there's more!

We also have groin, boy do we have groin aplenty!

A veritable cornucopia of dong, ass and splits are unleashed from this point forward, I warn you now.
Sweet, sweet Van Damme splits and ass.
3 points there.
Thus our final score is 25 points! Great job movie! Will be tough to top this.
I love "Bloodsport", and hope that I've managed to convince you it's the prototype for great Van Damme works, the journey truly starts here.