"Army of One" Review - From the Vaults

 I know it was released in 2016, but DVDs of it have only really started appearing this year, and I watched it today. So here is a review of the new Nic Cage movie: "One Man Army", because you have to see this.

In the field of bizarre Nic Cage performances, few are as bizarre as this one: He plays a gentleman named Gary, an unemployed handyman who saves money by living on building sites. God comes to him in a vision when he is on dialysis, telling him that his purpose in life is to capture Osama Bin Laden; in a Nicolas Cage plot officially even better than "Steal the Declaration of Independence Before Boromir Gets It". This is also based on a true story. A documentary would have been brilliant, but instead... I'm not sure what we got.

Real life conspired to create the events of a Nicolas Cage movie.

I don't know how to describe this movie, or what in the world this mastermind actor is doing, but I think it may be one of the greatest performances of all time.

He walks around with a straggly beard and grey ponytail, as well as 80s paedo glasses, screaming and ranting in some kind of weird nasal lisp. Here's the thing: the movie shows footage of the actual guy at the end, and he sounds NOTHING like this. 

Seriously, you have to see this performance, it's like nothing I've ever seen. There even comes a point in the movie where Gary is elated that his exploits are being made into a movie, and he is even more excited about being played by "the guy from Con Air!" Not since Chappie has there been something so weirdly, appropriately meta.

He wields a samurai sword, wandering the streets of Pakistan, hallucinating God at every turn and having his adventures narrated by a dry, voice-over documentary-style voice at random points. We get Nicolas Cage hang-gliding into Pakistan, sawing the hang glider into pieces to fit it into his case, journeying to discover the best fried chicken in the world, explaining to taxi drivers why America is the best country in the world, hallucinating episodes of "Cribs" with Osama bin Laden and, as proof that there is indeed a God, we get a scene whereby Nicolas Cage has a katana duel with Osama Bin Laden.

Is this movie good?

Probably not.

Is this movie high art?

Again, probably not.

Is this movie necessary? Oh Christ no.

But should you all watch it? 

Mother of God yes.