"Suicide Squad" Review - From the Vaults

 So, "Suicide Squad..."

If this were made in the 90s (which it feasibly could have been, keeping the Will Smith character, replacing Leto with Matthew Lillard, replacing Robbie with Alyssa Milano, casting Freddie Prinze Junior as El Diablo etc) with the same plot line, style and soundtrack (give or take a few of the more modern songs), this would have been ahead of its time and pretty good.

As it stands, it's messy and clunky, with big pacing issues particularly at the start, but still fairly fun and watchable, carried by the charm of its cast and the few moments when the film is allowed to breathe. The villain is absolutely awful: They have two conflicting plans (I think) and about as many minutes of proper screen time, and I am struggling to remember a single thing about them, their motivations or their lines.

The fight scenes are fun, if also cluttered, and there are a few bright moments and colourful things going on to keep it afloat. There's a sort of funky, neon coloured graphic for each squad member with a quirky fact about them, the colour scheme is something other than black or very dark grey, and a few lines here and there do make me chuckle. Plus there is a simple joy in this sort of set up (Fiery Mexican gangster, Will Smith, annoying pop cultural void, Adewale Akkinouye Agbaje, the dude from the Robocop remake, a shitbag armed with boomerangs and a 90s anime depiction of Japan go forth on an adventure from which few of them shall return) 

Will Smith can carry this sort of part in his sleep, and Robbie makes what has ALWAYS been an irritating character into something watchable and not too grating. For every one of her gags that misfire, she has one which hits. Her arc isn't too horrific either.

Smith lands a good line every time he's required to make a joke, he's still as charming as he always is, and it's a wise move to make him the lead character. 

Joel Kinnaman, looking very much like an addled heroin addict taking on the form of a badger in a military fetish outfit, takes on the part of straight man, and has a somewhat interesting arc and pulls off his part admirably. 

Adewale Akkinouye Agbaje is ALWAYS a terrifying force of ungodly nature on screen, and it is only by his good graces that the part of Killer Croc succeeds. They're trying to go for a Drax the Destroyer vibe, but with a playful undercurrent, but most of his lines backfire, and it would have been nicer to have the man remain silent, or say some actual Adewale Akkinouye Agbaje lines. He still got the odd chuckle out of me.

I know literally three things about Cara Delavigne: she's frequently in the celebrity section of the i, she has a stupid name (both in this movie and in real life), and she is in this film. That is how much of an impact she makes.

Viola Davis actually is another who brings something to the table. Her character is unnerving and a bit of a knob, to be honest, and it's an excellent example of the true "grey area" that this film was trying to convey. I really wanted more of her.

But the star of the show, for me at least, was also indicative of the problems of the film. 

Captain Boomerang is played by Jai Courtney, and he is actually the one character (aside from Deadshot) who I'd be interested in following a movie about. All of his jokes hit, he's fun, his part is zesty, he brings humour and joy to the screen, he's an unrelenting shit-bag who brings some sort of drama to the dynamic, he carries a pink fluffy unicorn for some reason (in a quirky touch that actually seemed to fit the tone of the movie and its director) and I watched the movie legitimately hoping that he would not die (fully aware that Will smith and Margot Robbie's characters were as safe as Fort Knox) . Heck, in the final battle, he throws an ordinary boomerang at the main villain and I legitimately hoped that it would actually kill them, as that would have been pretty funny.

But he's a problem here, because he's underused and interesting. Much like Karen Fukuhara's "Katana", who arrives seemingly from another movie (and is the WORST bodyguard since Kevin Costner) only to be sidelined for everything save the fight scenes, despite being WAY more interesting than many, and her backstory about a soul-stealing sword containing her dead husband and a one-woman war on all organised crime being dropped in a single sentence. That's not something that you can just throw in there like a boomerang, that's a pretty interesting thing.

Same for Jim Parrack (yes, Jim Parrack's in this) as the henchman of the Joker, alongside a dude dressed as a panda. What's their story? I'd kind of like to know how they got to this point in their lives.

The plot has a simple set up, a definite end goal, and yet a muddled way of going about it. The gang seem to find out the power of friendship rather quickly and the introductions of the characters come thick and fast. 

But the soundtrack is good. It's not "Neon Demon" good, but is has a few gems in there even if it does have WAY too many music cues, as if trying to out-gun James Gunn. It does play "Fortunate Son", which made me happy, and there is some AC/DC in there.

It's a fun B-movie which is good for a couple of hours of entertainment. Take your brain out and watch one sitcom character (seriously, it's nice to find a movie that Jai Courtney feels at home in after all these attempts to make him a leading man)  and his buddies of varying interest go on a quest. Yes, it's a cynical attempt (more than most) to make Halloween costumes and play to success, but it's still fun.

I'll forget about it when I try to list the movies I saw this year, but it's not awful. This is certainly not (as one cro-magnon put it) worse than Fant4stic.

"Collateral Beauty" Review - From the Vaults

I would like to congratulate Will Smith on creating a film which trumps "Suicide Squad" as the worst Will Smith movie this year (the best, of course, being "Independence Day 2", where he was a painting) in the form of "Collateral Beauty".

There is no way in any timeline that this is not the last thing you see before you die

Of the six people watching it, I was the youngest there by about 2 World Wars. This emotionally manipulative piece of horseshit has some talented people in it (Helen Mirren, Michael Pena, Kate Winslet, Naomi Harris and Edward Norton to name a few), but the script is something that a secondary school drama student would write as their first screenplay, and it is backed by an orchestral score which begs you feel emotions and tries its very best to tell you how to feel, but lacking in true insanity despite its bizarre premise. In addition, its tonal shift is so jarring and frequent, that it would be like replacing every second scene in "The Odd Couple" with the beach landing scene from "Saving Private Ryan".

I'll try my very best to explain this movie, without swearing, or spilling the beer I had to open. 

Will Smith is Howard, an advertising executive whose daughter dies and as a result of his grief becomes the most boring man ever on screen. Seriously, this is Will Smith in "Seven Pounds" mode. Remember that? His awful attempt at "Pursuit of Happiness" Oscar bait? At least that had suicide by jellyfish.

He is like a zombie in his grief, and only plays with dominoes (because SYMBOLISM), so his three "best friends" at the firm (Ed Norton, Kate Winslet and Michael Pena in glasses) decide to try and help, as he controls the majority of the firm and they need him back in business so that he can sell it, to help both them and the employees financially. 

You know, cheerful Boxing Day stuff. 

They do this not by hiring therapists or counselors, but a P.I to discover that he has been writing letters to "Death, Time and Love", and thus Ed Norton comes up with the BRILLIANT idea of hiring three struggling improv actors (Helen Mirren, Keira Knightly and some guy called Jacob Latimore) to play these parts (Mirren as "Death", Latimore as "Time", Knightly as "Love), confront him about the letters and film it, showing the board that he is mad and thus they can sell the company without him due to his poor state of mind.

You read that correctly. This man's three best friends decide that, when he is struggling with grief and mental illness, they should fuck with him.

To her credit, Keira Knightly is the one who says "Wait, this is fucking awful!", but they go on with the plan, because they are promised twenty grand each to fund their play, though there may be other motives...

Meanwhile, Smith is visiting a group therapy session, but never entering, instead standing outside the window and staring lovingly at Naomi Harris. Ed Norton is becoming distant from his daughter, as he had an affair and she thus claims not to LOVE him anymore (all DEFTLY explained by the subtle line: "Well, it's because you slept with an intern and your wife divorced, you, isn't it?"); Michael Pena is DYING of movie illness but hiding it from his family; and Kate Winslet is desperate to have children from a sperm donor, as she has spent too much TIME on her career.

Take a wild fucking guess as to where this is going.

They also plot to have him yell at Death, Time and Love in public, record it and digitally remove the actors later in a plan so bizarre I cannot count how many ways it is stupid. And I watched "Timecop" yesterday.

ABWT: Always. Be. Watching. Timecop

Thus these three people embark on their plan of fucking with Will Smith (I would have preferred it if this was a dark comedy, but alas...) which Helen Mirren even points out as "like Gaslight, that film" (But gleefully goes ahead with anyway because she's a mad Thespian and... something else), hanging out with these three "concepts" in the street and delivering Hallmark style quotes, some of which I have attempted to commit to memory, because they are gold:

"When it starts with a dead six year old girl, nothing can be good." - Michael Pena

"I am love. I am inside you. And all things. I am the reason for being." - Keira Knightly

"You are dead flesh, dust, you broke my heart." - Will Smith.

There's this big "emotional journey" backed by a really irritating score, cringe-inducing dialogue and Will Smith attempting to show the world that he can act. Look, Will, I love you man, and you can act. But not in this.

There are also two key twists, which I am going to spoil because fuck you:

1. Will Smith finally begins visiting the group therapy sessions, and bonding with Naomi Harris, who also lost a daughter to a rare form of brain cancer. She is his ex wife. It was her kid. They divorced. That is the twist.

2. Death, Time and Love actually ARE Death, Time and Love, which begs the question of WHAT DID THEY DO WITH ALL OF THE MONEY NORTON AND WINSLET PAID THEM?!

Seriously, they make a big deal about paying them each twenty grand to do this (despite Pena's plotline being about needing money for his family after he's gone and this company being on the verge of bankruptcy if this sale does not go ahead), but right at the end of the movie, the three of them watch Smith and Harris from a bridge, then vanish when Naomi Harris looks back. Where did the money go? Ah fuck it...

Suicide Squid is not the most embarrassing thing Will Smith has been in this year, I would at least watch that again, possibly sober, and that had Captain Boomerang. Yes, the Will Smith movie with a crocodile man, Harley Quinn and a character called Captain Fucking Boomerang was LESS embarrassing than this.

7/10