"The Ritual" - Review

In 1928, troubled priest in mourning Father Joseph Steiger (Dan Stevens) is called into action: a young girl named Emma Schmidt (Abigail Cowan) is seemingly possessed, and an exorcism must be performed by veteran priest Theophilius Reisinger (Al Pacino) and Father Steiger is to oversee and monitor.

I forgot I watched this until I went to do the review for "Clown in a Cornfield" and saw the ticket in my wallet. Trite, by the numbers, and incredibly dull.

"Cuckoo" - Review

Teenage musician Gretchen (Hunter Schafer) is struggling to move on from the death of her mother. What she doesn't need in her life right now are her father (Marton Csokas, not a villain for once), stepmother (the ever wonderful and sadly underused Jessica Henwick) and sister Alma (Mia Liu) moving across the world to a German Resort Hotel in the Alps. She doesn't want this weird Dr Konig (Dan Stevens and his Meg Foster eyes) being weird, and DEFINITELY doesn't need the strange goings on around the resort...

Neon have done it again, folks!
After the fucking terrifying "Longlegs", they have helped bring us a fable of European horror, tinged with the surreal, thoughts and imagery on motherhood, found families, genuine tension, and a trans lead whose transness is never part of the plot, or even remarked upon except in this review. Refreshing!
But fuck that!
You're here for:

It's the STEVENS VARIETY HOUR BABY!
Honestly, this movie is fucking excellent fun. Not "Abigail" fun, and not as good as "Malignant" for all of that movie's lunacy, but a checklist of madness and unchecked nightmarish insanity all the same.
Dan Stevens wielding a German accent and a rifle in the world's shittest gunfight as he screams about "breeding" does not even make it into the Top 5 list of weird ass shit to occur in this movie.
It's that kind of madness.

I have so many of these.
This movie has it all!
French lesbians!
Eggs!
Birds!
The traumas of motherhood in the nature versus nurture debate!
Dan Stevens in a German accent!
Raincoat monsters! (Who can genuinely fucking do one, they spook me out)
Dan Stevens!
Hunter Schafer telling everybody that this shit is fucking weird, man!
Dan Stevens!

I love this movie.
It makes for an excellent double bill with "Hatching", for all of that European energy and quirky humour.

"Abigail" - Review

The mysterious "Lambert" (Giancarlo Esposito), assembles a team: focused medic "Joey" (Melissa Barrera), sarcastic driven bespectacled sociopath "Frank" (Dan Stevens), perky young out-of-her-depth hacker "Sammy" (Kathryn Newton), big lovable muscle lug "Peter" (Kevin Durand), quiet sniper "Rickles" (Will Catlett), and shitbag stoner driver "Dean" (Angus Cloud). They have a simple job: kidnap a young girl named Abigail (Alisha Weir), hold her in this house for 24 hours until the ransom is paid by her wealthy father, and disappear into the night, never to see each other again. But this Rat Pack may find that there is a lot more to this girl than meets the eye, and they are in for a long, long night...

An absolute fucking riot and a hell of a good time.
Razor sharply written, and 100% my jam: blending 2 genres together and having so much fun with it. For about 45 minutes I could just happily watch these 6 assholes bounce off of each other in a kidnapper movie, and they are delightfully written: you want Dean dead SO SO MUCH, Peter and Sammy have an adorable double act going on (I love Kathryn Newton and am ELATED that people remember who Kevin Durand is, here relishing the chance to play a guy who's not simply 100% evil or a generic douchebag), Melissa Barrera remains fantastic and Dan Stevens? I am pretty sure he treats all scenery as a sumptuous, spicy buffet to dine upon and it is delicious. I am delighted that Dan Stevens has simply chosen to embrace his career as "B-Movie Legend" starring in weirder, bloodier fare like this and "The Guest" (watch "The Guest", that's a great movie). He steals the show as the sarcastic, sassy, furious, perpetually irritated Frank, surrounded by idiots.
That is, he steals the show until Alisha Weir does her thing.
It's a star-making, wonderful turn from her.
When the blood starts flowing and the carnage is unleashed, as you know it will be, they don't let up: you still root for these characters, and some of them last a LOT longer than you think they will in these sorts of films.
And everytime you think you know where it is going, or that you understand how these kinds of movies operate, it takes a sharp left turn, and remains on the rails.
A rollercoaster I am DEFINITELY going to watch again. A riot, so, so, so fun.

"The Guest" Review - From the Vaults

The Petersons are your typical small town American family. Father Spencer works hard and late, and is drinking more and more, mother Laura mourns her eldest son Caleb, who died in Afghanistan, whilst Luke is bullied at school and daughter Anna (Maika fuckmothering Monroe) is working as a waitress.

A charming young man named David (Dan Stevens) arrives. He was in Caleb's unit, knew Caleb well, and says that he asked him to come in and check up on his family. Still in mourning, they are happy to have somebody to talk to, and help move on from all of this. Hell, David seems to fit right into the slot left behind by Caleb! But there is something strange about David...

This movie is fantastic fun and is worth it for Dan Stevens alone. He moves like a lizard, he's actually chilling in this movie, using his piercing blue stare to excellent effect, whilst actually being charming: you believe that he'd be somebody the family would warm to.

When shit kicks off, it's so cathartic, so fun, so witty and well done, you're actually kind of rotting for this cross between Michael Meyers and The Terminator. Despite being in the modern day, it feels like a lean 80s thriller/slasher movie, but without the boring bullshit. It's SO MUCH FUN!

Damn this movie rocks