My idea for a "Moon Knight" movie.
Marvel are on a roll as it stands, but they're not really pushing many boundaries. What they need is a truly "adult" movie, something uncensored and with an 18 certificate, tackling dark themes and having a central character arc. What better way to do this than with Moon Knight, a murderous vigilante with multiple personalities?
Marc Spector/A.K.A Moon Knight - Dylan McDermott
Raoul Bushman - Jamie Hector
The Profile - Jack Coleman
Agent Donna Perlin - Meagan Goode
Khonshu - Arnold Vosloo
Dr. Madeline Alarune - Lea Seydoux
The film focuses upon S.H.I.E.L.D agent Marc Spector, one of the first to sign up for the super serum project, which continued going after Captain America (see The Incredible Hulk). Desperate for results which didn't end in disaster, doctors accepted Spector (a versatile and competent agent as well as an exemplary soldier) as a test subject for the latest strand. But injecting him and observing him, they found no effects whatsoever, and thus allowed the dejected Spector back into active service.
Spector was an exemplary agent, who was deployed in Africa during the events (and twist) of Captain America: The Winter Soldier with a squad of fellow S.H.I.E.L.D operatives on their way to make contact with the King of Wakanda. HYDRA makes their presence known and chaos reigns supreme when the group stop off in a small village. Split from the rest of his squad, and his right hand man and best friend Bushman, Spector fights for his life, confused as to why men have turned on him, and escapes the ensuing carnage with a group of terrified civilians, who he bravely protects from harm (including crazed soldiers and even most of his trusted men whom he is forced to kill in self defence and to protect the defenceless group) and leads to a mysterious temple devoted to "Khonshu: The God of Vengeance."
Taking shelter there, the delirious Spector begins to succumb to his wounds when he is visited by a ghostly apparition which calls itself Khonshu. For all that he has done here today, Khonshu shall bestow his powers onto him, to better protect the innocent and the unrighteous.
Spector wakes up to see that he is not in fact in a temple, but an abandoned barn. The civilians are all horribly butchered around him. Bushman enters the barn, seeking Spector and the rest of the squad after having to kill HYDRA operatives as well, and is relieved to see his old friend, but also put off by the grisly sight of the bodies. He helps a catatonic Spector to evacuate to an airfield, where they fly to safety.
Upon his return to he U.S, Spector is treated for his wounds and gives his account of events to a psychologist named Alarune, whilst images of strange men flicker before his eyes. He is quickly diagnosed as delusional and suffering from PTSD after his reports of a temple are dismissed and he is told that there is no such thing as Khonshu, leaving him to try to comprehend the horrors of what has occurred.
Spector tries to return to his wife and young daughter but cannot truly adjust to normal society, tormented by the visions of the strange men and crippling nightmares which cause him to break down and lash out at those around him.
By contrast, Bushman has not only adapted back home, but thrived. He is at peace with his ruthless nature and now markets his skills as a mercenary in the criminal underworld. He meets with Spector and, upon seeing how badly he is taking unemployment and the scars of his actions, offers to help him by offering him work in the shady sector within which he is now employed. Spector promises to think on it and leaves.
Troubled by nightmares and now living in a run-down, sparse flat in the city, Spector finds that sleep is eluding him, when the figure from his visions finally reveals himself as "Khonshu", here to thank him for trying to protect his people, and now here to give him purpose. He shall bless this warrior with powers befitting the god of vengeance, and allow him to wreak havoc upon the criminals in the city who go unpunished. But from the shadows steps the other figure, who appears to be a clean-cut Spector in a uniform, much like he wore as a soldier in S.H.I.E.L.D. This version calls himself "Major Spector", and represents the cold, pragmatic and efficient side of the man, the one with purpose and seemingly accepting of the fact that he is a murderer. Spector first dons a home-made costume and then embarks upon his crusade, witnessing a mugging in progress, and soon "Major Spector" takes over, brutally beating the mugger to death in the name of "vengeance", to the horror of Spector. Delirious, tripping on his medication and half drunk, Spector begins to continue to vent his rage and impotence upon the criminal underbelly of the city, his displays of athletic prowess astounding the few witnesses to his attacks on the criminal underbelly.
In one of his initial excursions at a drug manufacturing warehouse, he seizes an enormous amount of money before burning the building down. This money is quickly squirrelled away and used to commission an improved costume, and some Khonshu themed weapons...
He attacks organised criminal organisations, under the influence of Khonshu and Major Spector, and becomes a scourge of the underworld, earning the ire of a unseen bosses known as Nathan Essex and "The Deacon", the various rooftop and back-alley murders actually helping Spector to get his life back on track. He begins to stabilise and clean up his act, though he is still denied access to his wife and daughter, and the voice of a girl begins to haunt him.
When he kills a drug dealer pleading for his life, throwing him from a rooftop, he earns the attention of the F.B.I, for whom the man was working for as an informant. Thus law enforcement are approached by a criminal profiler simply calling himself "The Profile" (fresh from a case involving "The Scourge of the Underworld", and famous for solving multiple supposedly unsolvable cases) and his young protege, Agent Perlin. They quickly begin to establish something of a case, investigating multiple scenes, and realise that they are dealing with possibly the weirdest and most dangerous vigilante yet.
"The Deacon" puts out a bounty on Spector, and soon one of the most dangerous criminals is after him: Bushman.
A cat and mouse game, with three parties playing (Bushman, Spector and The Profile) soon unfolds in the city. With one man rapidly unravelling as his addictions to drugs, alcohol and the thrill of the hunt consume him, and the others so dedicated to their craft and their obsessives desires that they alienate all those who love and trust them, until they have only this hunt to keep them going.
In one final confrontation, Moon Knight (now the identity that Spector believes is the only "true" role that he has) does battle with Bushman at the man's lair, along with a large number of thugs (whom he kills brutally before and during the horrific battle) and despite his equipment and training, is quickly overwhelmed. Bushman was always the better soldier, and has come to terms with the fact that he is a killer. He demands to know what separates the two of them, aside from a depraved madness which he tries to use to excuse his actions.
Spector cannot give him an answer, then breaks down. But within his mind, he confronts not two, but three personalities: Khonshu, Major Spector and the girl who died in his arms in that temple. The latter's voice preaches forgiveness and reconciliation, and manages to sway Major Spector into understanding that he can be both a warrior of justice and a good person at the same time, forgiving him for his actions in Africa. They weren't his fault.
He finds the strength to break free of Bushman and brutally maim, maul and scar him. But he has not forgotten his lesson, and refuses to kill him. Though Bushman promises that "The Deacon" will have his head for this, Spector welcomes the challenge. The Profile arrives at the scene in time to witness Spector vanish and arrest Bushman, who is now babbling maniacally about a "Deacon Frost" and his revenge. The Profile and Agent Perlin bring the man in, although they know that this case is far from over.
Spector looks out over the city, the tree personalities behind him, his true family now. His madness is being kept in check, and he has achieved a perfect balance between the three ideals preached by Khonshu, Major Spector and The Girl.
Beneath the light of a full moon, he leaps into the night, ready to dispense justice once more.
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Monday, 2 March 2015
Gritty Reboots: Pokemon (Part 1)
I'll return with Hamlet in LOL/Chav Speak at some point, but for now I shall give you yet another gritty reboot of action movie cliches and terrible one-liners, this time from everyone's favourite show: Pokemon! Like most things on here, this started as a joke which got out of hand.
Scene 1: Wreckage of a mansion.
Officer Jenny: What's the situation?
Cop: Not much, patrol are still going through, trying to find something useful. Some lady reported it last night, said she saw a great white light before the entire place went up. By the time she got here, it was this.
Officer Jenny: Gotta be SILPH...
Cop: Huh?
Officer Jenny: Never mind. Tell me when you find something...
Scene 2: An old man in a lab, talking
Oak: We need to stop them. He's gone too far! Get me a team, assemble them any way you can, we need to put a stop to this before it's too late! I've got a few names for you to start with. They're rogues, they don't play by the rules, but they get the job done...
Scene 3: Ash and Pikachu are in a field facing off againt a Team Rocket grunt and his Zubat
Ash: Pikcahu! Thunderbolt!
Pikachu: God damn it man! Stop telling me what to do!
The Zubat and Pikachu duke it out, the latter being unused to fighting something so fast. But eventually, he triumphs by grabbing it in a bear hug and crackling with electricity. Ash, meanwhile, has a fist-fight with the Rocket Grunt, showing off his moves and finishing him with an uppercut.
Ash: Nice work Pikachu! You hurt?
Pikachu: Nah, too busy kickin' ass. And doin' all the work as usual.
Ash: Hey!
Pikachu: You know it's true.
Ash: Now Rocket, talk
Grunt: I'm just a grunt! I know nothin'!
Ash: Bullshit! Pikachu, wire yourself up to his balls, we're gonna get something from him...
Grunt: Alright! Giovanni's back in town! He's startin' to make his move, something big!
Pikachu: There, that wasn't so hard? Was it?
Grunt: Now please! Let me go!
Pikachu discharges electricity, the Grunt screaming in agony before falling unconscious. They catch sight of an old man walking towards them.
Ash: Who are...?
Old Man: No time to explain, the professor sent me...
Scene 4: Oak on the phone
Oak: The next ones are a long shot, untested, untried, but they've got talent...
Scene 5: Outisde a gym. Officer Jenny is there with Misty, talking on a radio. A crowd is gathered behind them, with police and barriers holding them back.
Officer Jenny: Are you sure there's no way we can get in through conventional means?
Misty: It's my gym, officer. I know it better than anyone.
Officer Jenny: He's holed up tight in there. We have no choice.
Misty: No! They're rookies!
Officer Jenny: You got any other ideas?
Misty: No...
Officer Jenny: -Into her radio- Send in the Squirtle Squad.
Scene 1: Wreckage of a mansion.
Officer Jenny: What's the situation?
Cop: Not much, patrol are still going through, trying to find something useful. Some lady reported it last night, said she saw a great white light before the entire place went up. By the time she got here, it was this.
Officer Jenny: Gotta be SILPH...
Cop: Huh?
Officer Jenny: Never mind. Tell me when you find something...
Scene 2: An old man in a lab, talking
Oak: We need to stop them. He's gone too far! Get me a team, assemble them any way you can, we need to put a stop to this before it's too late! I've got a few names for you to start with. They're rogues, they don't play by the rules, but they get the job done...
Scene 3: Ash and Pikachu are in a field facing off againt a Team Rocket grunt and his Zubat
Ash: Pikcahu! Thunderbolt!
Pikachu: God damn it man! Stop telling me what to do!
The Zubat and Pikachu duke it out, the latter being unused to fighting something so fast. But eventually, he triumphs by grabbing it in a bear hug and crackling with electricity. Ash, meanwhile, has a fist-fight with the Rocket Grunt, showing off his moves and finishing him with an uppercut.
Ash: Nice work Pikachu! You hurt?
Pikachu: Nah, too busy kickin' ass. And doin' all the work as usual.
Ash: Hey!
Pikachu: You know it's true.
Ash: Now Rocket, talk
Grunt: I'm just a grunt! I know nothin'!
Ash: Bullshit! Pikachu, wire yourself up to his balls, we're gonna get something from him...
Grunt: Alright! Giovanni's back in town! He's startin' to make his move, something big!
Pikachu: There, that wasn't so hard? Was it?
Grunt: Now please! Let me go!
Pikachu discharges electricity, the Grunt screaming in agony before falling unconscious. They catch sight of an old man walking towards them.
Ash: Who are...?
Old Man: No time to explain, the professor sent me...
Scene 4: Oak on the phone
Oak: The next ones are a long shot, untested, untried, but they've got talent...
Scene 5: Outisde a gym. Officer Jenny is there with Misty, talking on a radio. A crowd is gathered behind them, with police and barriers holding them back.
Officer Jenny: Are you sure there's no way we can get in through conventional means?
Misty: It's my gym, officer. I know it better than anyone.
Officer Jenny: He's holed up tight in there. We have no choice.
Misty: No! They're rookies!
Officer Jenny: You got any other ideas?
Misty: No...
Officer Jenny: -Into her radio- Send in the Squirtle Squad.
Wednesday, 25 February 2015
Excuses as to the Inevitably Poor Shelf Life of this Blog
Dear Person reading this
I know that there is only one of you.
I have been most busy with real life, and thus unable to contribute to this blog much after the initial influx/surge of posts which I put. I shall strive to post more miscellaneous things now that I have remembered the name of my Blog account.
I know that there is only one of you.
I have been most busy with real life, and thus unable to contribute to this blog much after the initial influx/surge of posts which I put. I shall strive to post more miscellaneous things now that I have remembered the name of my Blog account.
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Hamlet in Lol/Chav Speak: Part 2
Sorry once more for the delay, stuff has been going on. We now return to my epic descent into terrible comedy and the beating of a dead horse until it has melted into a fine gluey paste that sticks our chosen beating implement to the ground beneath it.
MILF-Luvver: sup babe
Lady111: Oh, it's you...
MILF-Luvver: wats that spsd 2 mean?
Lady111: Have you been spending time with my son?
MILF-Luvver: y?
Lady111: Your spelling and syntax are awful.
MILF-Luvver: Oh, nah, jst drunk lol
Lady111: I see... What is it you want, Claudius?
MILF-Luvver: Oh, rite, dtf?
Lady111: I beg your pardon?
MILF-Luvver: soz, talkin like ur son again. What I mean, dear lady, is that I wish to extend the offer of my companionship to thee, allowing for a suitable transition of grief between us. For I have lost a brother, you a lover.
Lady111: I apologise, that is indeed a fine proposition. I have been needing a suitable caretaker of this throne, it is awfully heavy.
MILF-Luvver: Oh that old thing? Sure, I guess I can hold onto it until Hamlet wants it. He and I are close, he'll need a calm hand through all of this, to help him.
Lady111: Oh Claudius, you are too kind. Please come round tomorrow for us to finish the details.
MILF-Luvver: No need, I'm outside.
Lady111: Oh. I see.
Anonymous1: Yo
Anonymous2: Yo
Anonymous1: You seen Ham?
Anonymous2: I have seen him.
Anonymous1: There is much wrong with him
Anonymous2: Much indeed is wrong with our friend.
Anonymous1: We should perhaps seek to rectify this?
Anonymous2: Why? Have thee ideas regarding the rectification of him?
Anonymous1: Only if you can tell me what is to be rectified.
Anonymous2: Alas, it is too late in the day for such thinking.
Anonymous1: Indeed, we have burnt much daylight.
Anonymous2: What?
Anonymous1: No idea, I say weird shit when I'm not high.
Anonymous2: I have come into the possession of weed.
Anonymous1: Into my possession has fallen "House of Flying Daggers".
Anonymous2: Tonight shall be good.
Anonymous1: This evening indeed shall be fine.
Midasdaddy: My dear Aloquisha, I am certainly interested in thine... "fair noble jewels". I shall of course require more information before parting with my gold...
Shankmaster: Still me dad. Log off
Midasdaddy: Ah. Ignore that, I think that one of Hamlet's friends must have hacked me again.
Shankmaster: Log off.
Midasdaddy: Honestly, those two, they'll never learn...
Shankmaster: I'm leaving.
Midasdaddy: Have a nice trip son!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi babez
Sex_Bomb96: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg babez! Ur online! Yay!
Sex_Bomb96: life sux
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg i kno rite! god, we have so much in common...
Sex_Bomb96: yeah... sure...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: I mean, ur dads dead, mine knoes nothin about me, so he mght as well b dead!
Sex_Bomb96: yea. I know. I read your blog.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg! I knew it! Have u seen my instagram account as well?
Sex_Bomb96: I'll do it later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: promise?
Sex_Bomb96: promise.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: pinky promise?
Sex_Bomb96: sure
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! I'll go tell my penpal and take pictures of the castle.
Sex_Bomb96: You're so deep Ophelia.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! luv u babez!
Midasdaddy: Ophelia my dear?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad!!! ur online?! get off now!
Midasdaddy: Why? Is there one of those viruses?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: if my gfs find out, ill be so embaressed ill die!
Midasdaddy: Your gfs? Oh you must mean those gif things your brother showed me! I have this fantastic one of a cat licking from a tap! Still, it doesn't seem to fit on these floppy disc things...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: wat do u want?
Midasdaddy: It's about Hamlet...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad! jst get out!!11! we llove each other! Get over it!
Midasdaddy: I don't think that he does, sweetheart.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: piss of dad.
Midasdaddy: I'll come back when you're feeling better.
Sex_Bomb96: Hoz? Hoz? You there boy?
Last living dude: Yeah, I'm here.
Sex_Bomb96: So... wanna go smoke pot with Rosey and Gil?
Last living dude: Little soon isn't it?
Sex_Bomb96: Nah, it's almost 5
Last living dude: I mean, it's a little soon after your father's death.
Sex_Bomb96: Oh I'm on that.
Last living dude: What do you mean?
Sex_Bomb96: I'm gonna be insane for a bit longer, check everyone out.
Last living dude: Dude, you were watching CSI again weren't you?
Sex_Bomb96: No
Last living dude: you always get paranoid and come up with these stupid crime theories or murder mystery shit! No, your dad was not murdered!
Sex_Bomb96: ... it was "Cracker"... And yes, he was!
Last living dude: Have you smoked that pot Rosencrantz has been growing?
Sex_Bomb96: He actually has pot?! Mother fucker lied to me...
Last living dude: Proof?
Sex_Bomb96: ghost
Last living dude: Getting real tired of your shit Hamlet. I'm off, I've got work in ten minutes. Take five, you need a break.
MILF-Luvver: Hello? Hello? Is anybody on this stupid server?
Anonymous1: Greetings to thee
Anonymous2: And salutations to thee.
MILF-Luvver: Good God... are you two idiots Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
Anonymous1: Indeed we are
Anonymous2: Our names be those.
MILF-Luvver: Hamlet, you two know him well?
Anonymous1: Once we did, we knew him like our brother.
Anonymous2: But now he has grown distant from us all.
MILF-Luvver: I want you to talk to him, find out how he is.
Anonymous1: Certainly sir
Anonymous2: An amicable request indeed.
MILF-Luvver: Good.
Anonymous1: For we have aquired some pharmaceuticals.
Anonymous2: As well as his favourite film.
Anonymous1: I thought it was "Weekend at Bernie's"?
Anonymous2: No, that was his favourite comedy good fellow.
Anonymous1: Ah, thank you kindly for correcting me dear friend.
MILF-Luvver: Pharmaceuticals?
Anonymous1: Errrm
Anonymous: Dumbass.
MILF-Luvver: Just keep an eye on him. You idiots...
MILF-Luvver: sup babe
Lady111: Oh, it's you...
MILF-Luvver: wats that spsd 2 mean?
Lady111: Have you been spending time with my son?
MILF-Luvver: y?
Lady111: Your spelling and syntax are awful.
MILF-Luvver: Oh, nah, jst drunk lol
Lady111: I see... What is it you want, Claudius?
MILF-Luvver: Oh, rite, dtf?
Lady111: I beg your pardon?
MILF-Luvver: soz, talkin like ur son again. What I mean, dear lady, is that I wish to extend the offer of my companionship to thee, allowing for a suitable transition of grief between us. For I have lost a brother, you a lover.
Lady111: I apologise, that is indeed a fine proposition. I have been needing a suitable caretaker of this throne, it is awfully heavy.
MILF-Luvver: Oh that old thing? Sure, I guess I can hold onto it until Hamlet wants it. He and I are close, he'll need a calm hand through all of this, to help him.
Lady111: Oh Claudius, you are too kind. Please come round tomorrow for us to finish the details.
MILF-Luvver: No need, I'm outside.
Lady111: Oh. I see.
Anonymous1: Yo
Anonymous2: Yo
Anonymous1: You seen Ham?
Anonymous2: I have seen him.
Anonymous1: There is much wrong with him
Anonymous2: Much indeed is wrong with our friend.
Anonymous1: We should perhaps seek to rectify this?
Anonymous2: Why? Have thee ideas regarding the rectification of him?
Anonymous1: Only if you can tell me what is to be rectified.
Anonymous2: Alas, it is too late in the day for such thinking.
Anonymous1: Indeed, we have burnt much daylight.
Anonymous2: What?
Anonymous1: No idea, I say weird shit when I'm not high.
Anonymous2: I have come into the possession of weed.
Anonymous1: Into my possession has fallen "House of Flying Daggers".
Anonymous2: Tonight shall be good.
Anonymous1: This evening indeed shall be fine.
Midasdaddy: My dear Aloquisha, I am certainly interested in thine... "fair noble jewels". I shall of course require more information before parting with my gold...
Shankmaster: Still me dad. Log off
Midasdaddy: Ah. Ignore that, I think that one of Hamlet's friends must have hacked me again.
Shankmaster: Log off.
Midasdaddy: Honestly, those two, they'll never learn...
Shankmaster: I'm leaving.
Midasdaddy: Have a nice trip son!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi babez
Sex_Bomb96: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg babez! Ur online! Yay!
Sex_Bomb96: life sux
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg i kno rite! god, we have so much in common...
Sex_Bomb96: yeah... sure...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: I mean, ur dads dead, mine knoes nothin about me, so he mght as well b dead!
Sex_Bomb96: yea. I know. I read your blog.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg! I knew it! Have u seen my instagram account as well?
Sex_Bomb96: I'll do it later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: promise?
Sex_Bomb96: promise.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: pinky promise?
Sex_Bomb96: sure
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! I'll go tell my penpal and take pictures of the castle.
Sex_Bomb96: You're so deep Ophelia.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! luv u babez!
Midasdaddy: Ophelia my dear?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad!!! ur online?! get off now!
Midasdaddy: Why? Is there one of those viruses?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: if my gfs find out, ill be so embaressed ill die!
Midasdaddy: Your gfs? Oh you must mean those gif things your brother showed me! I have this fantastic one of a cat licking from a tap! Still, it doesn't seem to fit on these floppy disc things...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: wat do u want?
Midasdaddy: It's about Hamlet...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad! jst get out!!11! we llove each other! Get over it!
Midasdaddy: I don't think that he does, sweetheart.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: piss of dad.
Midasdaddy: I'll come back when you're feeling better.
Sex_Bomb96: Hoz? Hoz? You there boy?
Last living dude: Yeah, I'm here.
Sex_Bomb96: So... wanna go smoke pot with Rosey and Gil?
Last living dude: Little soon isn't it?
Sex_Bomb96: Nah, it's almost 5
Last living dude: I mean, it's a little soon after your father's death.
Sex_Bomb96: Oh I'm on that.
Last living dude: What do you mean?
Sex_Bomb96: I'm gonna be insane for a bit longer, check everyone out.
Last living dude: Dude, you were watching CSI again weren't you?
Sex_Bomb96: No
Last living dude: you always get paranoid and come up with these stupid crime theories or murder mystery shit! No, your dad was not murdered!
Sex_Bomb96: ... it was "Cracker"... And yes, he was!
Last living dude: Have you smoked that pot Rosencrantz has been growing?
Sex_Bomb96: He actually has pot?! Mother fucker lied to me...
Last living dude: Proof?
Sex_Bomb96: ghost
Last living dude: Getting real tired of your shit Hamlet. I'm off, I've got work in ten minutes. Take five, you need a break.
MILF-Luvver: Hello? Hello? Is anybody on this stupid server?
Anonymous1: Greetings to thee
Anonymous2: And salutations to thee.
MILF-Luvver: Good God... are you two idiots Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
Anonymous1: Indeed we are
Anonymous2: Our names be those.
MILF-Luvver: Hamlet, you two know him well?
Anonymous1: Once we did, we knew him like our brother.
Anonymous2: But now he has grown distant from us all.
MILF-Luvver: I want you to talk to him, find out how he is.
Anonymous1: Certainly sir
Anonymous2: An amicable request indeed.
MILF-Luvver: Good.
Anonymous1: For we have aquired some pharmaceuticals.
Anonymous2: As well as his favourite film.
Anonymous1: I thought it was "Weekend at Bernie's"?
Anonymous2: No, that was his favourite comedy good fellow.
Anonymous1: Ah, thank you kindly for correcting me dear friend.
MILF-Luvver: Pharmaceuticals?
Anonymous1: Errrm
Anonymous: Dumbass.
MILF-Luvver: Just keep an eye on him. You idiots...
Monday, 1 July 2013
Hamlet in Chav/LOL Speak: Part 1
Time for something completely different, seeing as I haven't added anything on here in a while. Hamlet! As told by chavs and LOL-Speak simpletons. This, like many of my ideas, stems from a late night on Facebook, after ingesting ungodly amounts of tea. I have expnded the original post and updated it slightly, leaving you with this monstrosity. The screen names of the characters are as follows:
Hamlet = Sex_Bomb 96
Claudius = MILF-Luvver
Horatio = Last living dude
Ophelia = xxPsycholuvver!!!xx
Gertrude = Lady111
Laertes = Shankmaster
Polonius = Midasdaddy
Rosencrantz = Anonymous1
Guildenstern = Anonymous2
Ghost = MILF-BANGER
Sex_Bomb 96: Yo blud! I is doin' well good like dis man! My dad is one of dem big fish, yeah? You get me Horatio?
Last living dude: Be careful man, we don't want those jealous bad boys coming over here and messing this sweet ass deal up do you?
MILF-Luvver: Time for me to fuck things up.
Sex_Bomb 96: Lol, like what unc?
MILF-Luvver: Your mum
Last living dude: lol
Sex_Bomb 96: dude! Not cool!
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: dickhead
Sex_Bomb 96: wat?
MILF-BANGER: ... you online?
Sex_Bomb 96: dad, r u drunk? again?
MILF-BANGER: just avenge my death
Sex_Bomb 96: ur drunk dad
MILF-BANGER: wait! Don't log off! Your uncle Claudius is a right dick!
Sex_Bomb 96: I kno that dad, goodnight
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead.
Sex_Bomb 96: u wat?
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead. Claudius poisoned me.
Sex_Bomb 96: Then how're u writin dis?
MILF-BANGER: heaven. look, will u avenge my death or not?
Sex_Bomb 96: Fine.
MILF_BANGER: thnx son.
Sex_Bomb 96: dad?
MILF-BANGER: yea?
Sex_Bomb 96: wat's it like up there?
MILF-BANGER: in heaven?
Sex_Bomb 96: yea
MILF-BANGER: so much pussy
Sex_Bomb 96: rly?
MILF-BANGER: oh yea. So much poon.
Sex_Bomb 96: nice
Midasdaddy: Hello? Son? How does this thing work? Are you getting this?
Shankmaster: Yes dad, you're doing fine.
Midasdaddy: Oh, excellent! It's so good to be in the space cyber.
Shankmaster: The what?
Midasdaddy: Space cyber! Isn't that what the kids call this now?
Shankmaster: Cyber-space dad. It's called cyber-space. And nobody calls it that anymore.
Midasdaddy: Oh, I see... So what do you call this?
Shankmaster: Never mind, dad.
Midasdaddy: Are you all packed?
Shankmaster: Yes dad.
Midasdaddy: Toothbrush?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Spare clothes?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Sword?
Shankmaster: What?
Midasdaddy: Your sword. I never went anywhere without mine.
Shankmaster: Why would I need a sword, dad?
Midasdaddy: Self defence?
Shankmaster: Who's going to attack me?
Midasdaddy: You're a nobleman!
Shankmaster: Still, why would I carry a sword for self defence? It's hardly conspicuous!
Midasdaddy: Well, whenever I carry a sword in public, nobody attacks me!
Shankmaster: ... that's because they think you're insane now.
Midasdaddy: Well, what if you need to make a point?
Shankmaster: ... did you just make a joke?
Midasdaddy: Maybe...
Shankmaster: My flight's nearly here. Talk to you later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hello?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: heeeeeellllllooooooooooooooooooo?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: you there?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: it's me!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: remember me?
Sex_Bomb 96: ... hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet! You're there! I was getting worried!
Sex_Bomb 96: ducks
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ???
Sex_Bomb 96: woogabooga!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hammy?
Sex_Bomb 96: potato farmers in the underpants of elephant monkey semen titties!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: You alright?
Sex_Bomb 96: macca-pacca boom boom pow!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ... I'll talk to you later. You sound drunk.
Sex_Bomb 96: Horry? Horry? You there?
Last living dude: yo
Sex_Bomb 96: she gone?
Last living dude: yup
Sex_Bomb 96: sweet. club?
Last living dude: dude, wat the hell r u doing?
Sex_Bomb 96: pretending I'm insane
Last living dude: Why?
Sex_Bomb 96: Shits and giggles.
Last living dude: really?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, gonna fuck up my uncle.
Last living dude: by actin' all weird n shit?
Sex_Bomb 96: He'll never see it comin'
Last living dude: watevs man. Want me to keep an eye on Ophelia?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, she'll be fine
Last living dude: bitches be trippin'.
Sex_Bomb 96: word
My posts have all been quite long, so I'll probably split this one. The second part will come eventually.
Hamlet = Sex_Bomb 96
Claudius = MILF-Luvver
Horatio = Last living dude
Ophelia = xxPsycholuvver!!!xx
Gertrude = Lady111
Laertes = Shankmaster
Polonius = Midasdaddy
Rosencrantz = Anonymous1
Guildenstern = Anonymous2
Ghost = MILF-BANGER
Sex_Bomb 96: Yo blud! I is doin' well good like dis man! My dad is one of dem big fish, yeah? You get me Horatio?
Last living dude: Be careful man, we don't want those jealous bad boys coming over here and messing this sweet ass deal up do you?
MILF-Luvver: Time for me to fuck things up.
Sex_Bomb 96: Lol, like what unc?
MILF-Luvver: Your mum
Last living dude: lol
Sex_Bomb 96: dude! Not cool!
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: dickhead
Sex_Bomb 96: wat?
MILF-BANGER: ... you online?
Sex_Bomb 96: dad, r u drunk? again?
MILF-BANGER: just avenge my death
Sex_Bomb 96: ur drunk dad
MILF-BANGER: wait! Don't log off! Your uncle Claudius is a right dick!
Sex_Bomb 96: I kno that dad, goodnight
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead.
Sex_Bomb 96: u wat?
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead. Claudius poisoned me.
Sex_Bomb 96: Then how're u writin dis?
MILF-BANGER: heaven. look, will u avenge my death or not?
Sex_Bomb 96: Fine.
MILF_BANGER: thnx son.
Sex_Bomb 96: dad?
MILF-BANGER: yea?
Sex_Bomb 96: wat's it like up there?
MILF-BANGER: in heaven?
Sex_Bomb 96: yea
MILF-BANGER: so much pussy
Sex_Bomb 96: rly?
MILF-BANGER: oh yea. So much poon.
Sex_Bomb 96: nice
Midasdaddy: Hello? Son? How does this thing work? Are you getting this?
Shankmaster: Yes dad, you're doing fine.
Midasdaddy: Oh, excellent! It's so good to be in the space cyber.
Shankmaster: The what?
Midasdaddy: Space cyber! Isn't that what the kids call this now?
Shankmaster: Cyber-space dad. It's called cyber-space. And nobody calls it that anymore.
Midasdaddy: Oh, I see... So what do you call this?
Shankmaster: Never mind, dad.
Midasdaddy: Are you all packed?
Shankmaster: Yes dad.
Midasdaddy: Toothbrush?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Spare clothes?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Sword?
Shankmaster: What?
Midasdaddy: Your sword. I never went anywhere without mine.
Shankmaster: Why would I need a sword, dad?
Midasdaddy: Self defence?
Shankmaster: Who's going to attack me?
Midasdaddy: You're a nobleman!
Shankmaster: Still, why would I carry a sword for self defence? It's hardly conspicuous!
Midasdaddy: Well, whenever I carry a sword in public, nobody attacks me!
Shankmaster: ... that's because they think you're insane now.
Midasdaddy: Well, what if you need to make a point?
Shankmaster: ... did you just make a joke?
Midasdaddy: Maybe...
Shankmaster: My flight's nearly here. Talk to you later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hello?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: heeeeeellllllooooooooooooooooooo?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: you there?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: it's me!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: remember me?
Sex_Bomb 96: ... hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet! You're there! I was getting worried!
Sex_Bomb 96: ducks
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ???
Sex_Bomb 96: woogabooga!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hammy?
Sex_Bomb 96: potato farmers in the underpants of elephant monkey semen titties!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: You alright?
Sex_Bomb 96: macca-pacca boom boom pow!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ... I'll talk to you later. You sound drunk.
Sex_Bomb 96: Horry? Horry? You there?
Last living dude: yo
Sex_Bomb 96: she gone?
Last living dude: yup
Sex_Bomb 96: sweet. club?
Last living dude: dude, wat the hell r u doing?
Sex_Bomb 96: pretending I'm insane
Last living dude: Why?
Sex_Bomb 96: Shits and giggles.
Last living dude: really?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, gonna fuck up my uncle.
Last living dude: by actin' all weird n shit?
Sex_Bomb 96: He'll never see it comin'
Last living dude: watevs man. Want me to keep an eye on Ophelia?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, she'll be fine
Last living dude: bitches be trippin'.
Sex_Bomb 96: word
My posts have all been quite long, so I'll probably split this one. The second part will come eventually.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Zero Dark 30: The Action Movie
Do we want an award winning movie about the ethical implications of torture surrounding the manhunt for a straw-man political figure created as a figurehead and boogeyman for the masses?
NO!
We want Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammer, kicking ass for America in a direct to DVD action movie where he tracks down the son of a bitch who dares mock freedom and teaches him a lesson: The American way! They said it couldn't be done and that it was suicide for any man that tried, but when justice beckoned, Jack Hammer answered.
For Jack Hammer isn't an American't.
He's an American.
Starring:
Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammers
Omar Sharif as Osama Bin Laden
Eric Roberts as Agent Chuck Daniels
Ghassan Massoud as Achmed
Rebecca De Mornay as Wife
Kareem Abdul Jabbar as President Obama
Scene 1: The Orphange
Two ragheads sit in a van, adjusting the suicide vest of another. The one with a scar on his face is their leader.
Achmed: Remember your mission Yusuf.
Yususf: Yes brother. These American dogs will pay for their arrogance...
Amir: This has been a long time coming.
Yusuf: I am ready.
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
Yusuf: Allahu Akbar.
He leaves the van and walks towards the orphanage. Achmed lights a cigarette and turns to Amir
Achmed: Drive. Tomorrow morning, their reckoning shall come... For now we must report to the boss and tell him it is done.
They drive off. Achmed stops to shoot an American flag and salute mockingly.
Scene 2: The Suburban Home
A man, a good honest American, is getting breakfast with his beautiful blonde wife and bouncing, beautiful children. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, watching the news.
Newsreader: Another orphanage was attacked this morning, with the terrorist known as "Osama Bin Laden" claiming responsibility for the attack, which left 18 children dead.
Wife: My God... those monsters!
Daughter: Daddy, who's Osama Bin Laden?
Chuck Daniels: He's a very bad man that your daddy is going to look for.
Son: You gonna arrest him daddy?
Chuck Daniels: Haha, I wish I could, Billy. But with a Commie in the White House blocking me at every turn, it'll be difficult...
Wife: Can't you find some way?
Chuck Daniels: I wish I could... Love you honey! You kids have a good day at school you hear me?
He kisses his hot, sexy, buxom wife (Close up) and leaves
Scene 3: Afghanistan
A muscled man does pull ups in the desert heat, an American flag behind him billowing in the wind. His shirtless chest is rippling with muscles and gleaming with sweat. But not in a gay way.
Jack Hammers: ... 998, 999, 1000!
He drops down and swigs the whiskey bottle on the table, before hearing a noise and turning around to see a jeep approaching him. He dons his sunglasses and takes a seat, waiting for them to arrive. They pull up and three men, filthy Arabs, jump out and approach him. All oily and shit.
Scumbag 1: Mr Hammers! So good to see you trespassing on my land again...
Jack Hammers: Come to check my papers again? You know I'm here legally, why keep on hassling me?
Scumbag 2: 'Cause maybe we don't like you!
Scumbag 3: Yeah! Maybe we don't like you!
Jack Hammers: You always this eloquent?
Scumbag 2: What'd you call me?
He reaches for a gun, but Hammers is faster, like all true Americans, in producing his own Desert Eagle
Jack Hammers: Try it pal. Your 72 virgins will be cleaning blood for eternity.
Scumbag 1: Easy gentlemen! We need not resort to violence! Mr Hammers, may I sit down?
Jack Hammers: I would say it's a free country. But I never lie. Not even to men like you.
Scumbag 3: You're a funny man Jack! You'll be even funnier when we strangle you with that flag...
Jack Hammers: Is a man not entitled to be proud of his country?
Scumbag 1: Not yours Jack. Nobody has the right.
Jack Hammers: You'd best turn around. I've tried to be civil.
Scumbag 1: You arrogant American, get out of my country you swine!
They all pull guns, but Hammers blasts away two of them, before kicking the table into the face of their leader and blasting the gun out of his hand. He swigs from his whiskey and glares down at the man
Jack Hammers: Tell him I've got a delivery.
Scumbag 1: Who?
Jack Hammers: The Devil. A delivery of scum like you.
He blows the dud'es brains out over the table with that hot, sleek, cool, ice cold, yet scorching piece of fine American steel. But not in a gay way.
Scene 6: The White House
President Obama: We can't!
Chuck Daniels: Why not?
President Obama: Because it's outside our jurisdiction! I will not let you annoy our friends in the Middle East!
Chuck Daniels: Friends? They're hiding these bastards!
President Obama: You forget your place, Agent!
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: Enough!
Chuck Daniels: ... I can get you another term sir...
President Obama: ... how?
Chuck Daniels: Get me a man, we'll get you Bin Laden. You can take all the credit. You'll be a hero Mr President.
President Obama: And what's in it for you?
Chuck Daniels: I just wanna get this son of a bitch.
President Obama: Admirable, but naive... Alright Daniels. I'll play. You get this man, or you lose your job.
Chuck Daniels: What?!
President Obama: I'll need somebody to blame for this. You're part of national security, you'll do.
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: This isn't negotiable, Agent. Now get out of my office. It's time for me to get my prayer mat...
Scene 10: The Desert
Chuck Daniels approaches Hammers at his home
Jack Hammers: Explain yourself pal, or I'll send you home with a bullet in your brain. What little there is of it...
Chuck Daniels: Easy, Jack! I've come here to ask for your help.
Jack Hammers: How do you know my name?
Chuck Daniels: I read your file, Jack, it's impressive.
Jack Hammers: That was then. I don't work for you anymore.
Chuck Daniels: May I sit?
Jack Hammers: Sure...
Chuck Daniels: Will you put the gun down?
Jack Hammers: I never put my gun down. It's the only thing that's kept me alive out here in this God-forsaken wasteland.
Chuck Daniels: America needs you Jack.
Jack Hammers: Oh? Well do I need America? They've got a God-dammned Commie in the White House, gay marriage on the cards.. The whole country's gone to the dogs...
Chuck Daniels: So you'll just turn your back?
Jack Hammers: ...
Chuck Daniels: Unbelievable.
He tosses a selection of photographs onto the table
Jack Hammers: What the Hell are these?
Chuck Daniels: 18 reasons to believe in America.
Scene 16: The Airport
Two men in suicide vests step into the waiting area, with other terrorists armed with AK-47s attacking and taking hostages
Achmed: Stay down! All of you! We are seizing this airport in the name of Allah! As part of the mighty jihad against you and your people!
Old Lady: Why are you doing this?
Achmed shoots her in the face
Achmed: Stupid American bitch! We do this because we can! Because we hate your freedoms! Zahid, put the tape on screen.
One of the terrorists does some COMPOOTOR HAKKINGZ and gets the screens to show Osama Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: People of America. Know this. My men currently occupy an airport. We seek no ransoms, we seek no release of prisoners. We seek nothing but your attention as you watch us do whatever we choose with you, your people and your country. Because we HATE FREEDOM!
Jack Hammers smashes through the window and goes Die Hard on these S.O.Bs, blasting left right and centre, kicking one guy through a window and then feeding one into the X-Ray machine. He approaches one of the suicide bombers and points his gun at him, but the man takes a hot girl hostage.
Bomber: Don't move Yankee scum! Even if you shoot me, I go off!
(But not in a gay way)
Jack blows his hand off. Close-up of the hand exploding into a bag of goo.
Jack Hammers: Hands off the girl dirtbag...
He shoots him in the other hand just to be sure, leaving the foreign scum writhing on the floor in agony. Our hero looks to the girl.
Girl: Go get those sons of bitches!
Hammers nods and shoots another two terrorists. He makes his way through the airport, encountering one leading a group who ambush him. After a firefight, he corners the leader. They point their guns at each other.
Nasir: You Americans just don't understand us...
Jack Hammers: What's there to understand? You hate freedom. I'm fine with a man not liking the things I love, truly, but when he steps over the line...
Nasir: You nothing of my life, American! I'm from Afghanistan!
Jack Hammers shoots him in the face
Jack Hammers: Now you're in Af-Gone-istan.
He goes out to find Achmed has fled. Bin Laden leers at him from the screen
Bin Laden: You! You dare mess with my plans?!
Jack Hammers: Hide behind your screens whilst you can Osama, I'm coming for you.
Bin Laden: Brave talk for a dead man. Tell me, what name shall I offer up to Allah as the man who I killed for attempting to defile his divine will.
Jack Hammers: Just use my codename buddy.
Bin Laden: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Agent Zero Dark Thirty.
He shoots the screen
Scene 21: The car
Chuck Daniels: I thought you weren't coming back.
Jack Hammers: I couldn't walk. Not from that.
Chuck Daniels: I thought you didn't love America anymore.
Jack Hammers: I never stopped. I may not agree with what's happened to my beautiful bride, but I still love her. I always will...
Chuck Daniels: Well, check the glove compartment.
Jack opens it and discovers a watch
Jack Hammers: This what I think it is?
Chuck Daniels: A welcome back present from the C.I.A
Scene 27: A Cave
Bin Laden: I want this man FOUND!
Achmed: I understand sir...
Bin Laden: I'm not sure that you do, Achmed! I want everything you have on this man! I want his name, his address, his date of birth, his records, his wife, his children, his favourite ice cream flavour, EVERYTHING!
Achmed: His name is Hammers sir. Jack Hammers.
Bin Laden: So you know this man?
Achmed: Yes sir, he was the one responsible for this, many years ago...
He points to his scar.
Bin Laden: Well if you do not bring me his head, that scar will be the least of your worries. Understand?
Achmed: Yes sir.
Bin Laden: Allahu Akbar
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
On the screen, Bin Laden goes back to molesting the white chicks he has kidnapped.
Scene 30: Bagdhad marketplace
Jack Hammers walks down the streets, eyes open and ready for danger. His hand goes to the earpiece that he wears
Chuck Daniels: You hearing me Jack?
Jack Hammers: Yeah I hear ya.
Chuck Daniels: Remember Jack, we want this guy alive so we can find Bin Laden.
Jack Hammers: Alive, not unharmed.
Chuck Daniels: Now you're talking...
He notices Zahid in the street and goes after him, stalking through the crowds. Zahid notices him and makes a break for his car. Men spring from the shadows, dressed in turbans and carrying AK-47s, opening fire indiscriminately. Hammers pulls a pregnant woman out of the crossfire, then blasts the motherfucker in the head, nodding to the woman and going after more of them.
Terrorist: Kill the American!
He kicks a small boy down and Jack stops his pursuit to help him up
Boy: Thanks mister!
Jack Hammers: No problem kid.
Boy: You gonna get that man?
Jack Hammers: Yeah. I'm gonna bring freedom...
Boy: Go get him!
Jack ruffles his hair and goes after the terrorist, cornering him. He shoots him in the face when he reaches for a gun, then shoots his friend. Zahid is hiding behind a stall. His final ally pulls a knife and charges Jack, who floors him with a single punch and breaks his neck before approaching Zahid.
Zahid: I surrender!
Jack Hammers: Not so fast.
He shoots Zahid in the kneecap.
Scene 32: A warehouse
Zahid, bruised and bloodied, is tied to a chair. Chuck and Jack interrogate him.
Chuck Daniels: Just tell us where he is, Zahid.
Zahid: No! Allah forbids it!
Jack Hammers: If you don't tell us, then you'll be meeting Allah...
Zahid: I am not afraid. I have 72 virgins awaiting me.
Jack Hammers: Good luck getting served by them when I cut off your jihad...
Zahid: What?
Jack goes to the table and picks up a knife, walking over to them
Chuck Daniels: You'd better tell him, Zahid.
Zahid: A CAVE!
Chuck Daniels: Which cave?
Zahid: Alright! It's not a cave, it's an old house behind one of the caves!
Chuck Daniels: Point to it on this map.
Zahid points.
Jack Hammers: Good boy Zahid. You're free to go.
Zahid: W...What?
Jack Hammers: You're free to meet Allah.
Jack stabs him in the eye.
Chuck Daniels: I see what you did there.
Jack Hammers: He didn't.
Chuck Daniels: No, but I'm sure that he got the point.
Scene 36: Helicopter
Chuck Daniels: Wait on my order! We let Jack do his work, then send in the reinforcements and bomb this place to hell. Got it?
Pilot: Sure thing pal.
Chuck Daniels: Come on Jack... I know you can do this...
Scene 37: The house
A wounded Jack and Achmed have a shirtless fistfight on the roof. But not in a gay way. Achmed kicks him to the ground and steps on his neck, producing a knife from his boot.
Achmed: The great Zero Dark Thirty... now in my grasp... First we killed your wife and child on September the 11th, and now I get to finish the job personally. I would say that it has been an honour, but you didn't put up much of a fight. Any last words?
Jack Hammers: Two
Achmed: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Hammer time
He presses a button on his watch and a hammer fires out into Achmed's neck. The terrorist drops his knife, staggers back and falls off the roof. Dead. Jack takes the knife and kicks his way through the window.
Scene 38: Bin Laden's living room
The terrorist leader is propped up on cushions, surrounded by hashish, opium and hot drugged up sex slaves. Jack Hammers kicks through the window into his guard, slashing the man's throat, then picks up his AK47 and guns down the other one before turning it on Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: What the?!
Jack Hammers: You're him... The man responsible for all the world's evil
Bin Laden: Please, Mr Hammers, I can give you anything. You want these women? Here! Take them!
Jack Hammers: Like you took them from their good, clean families and made them your brides?
Bin Laden: I can change!
Jack Hammers: Evil never changes... Get out of here girls...
Most of the girls get to their feet and dash out, save one unconscious one.
Bin Laden: Can't you see that this isn't about me, or you, or even the American government? It's about money, oil and power. Your people take what we have, we are just trying to fight back! Fight back in the name of Allah!
Jack Hammers: Oil? Can it Osama.
He shoots the man and then checks his watch, shaking the woman awake
Girl: Huh?
Jack Hammers: Come with me doll, we've gotta get out of here...
Girl: But... Bin Laden...
Jack Hammers: He's Has-Bin Laden now...
Bikini-Clad Girl in his arms, Jack runs in slo-mo from the building as Chuck Daniels fires rockets at it.
Scene 41: The White House
The President is there, ready to present medals to Hammers and Daniels
President Obama: Congratulations gentleman. This country thanks you for stopping a great evil. I too thank you.
Jack Hammers: Keep your medal. I didn't do it for you.
President Obama: Pardon me?
Jack Hammers: I didn't do it for you. I did it for America. Know that whatever happens, Commie president or not, I'll protect my country.
He punches Obama and leaves the office.
The End
NO!
We want Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammer, kicking ass for America in a direct to DVD action movie where he tracks down the son of a bitch who dares mock freedom and teaches him a lesson: The American way! They said it couldn't be done and that it was suicide for any man that tried, but when justice beckoned, Jack Hammer answered.
For Jack Hammer isn't an American't.
He's an American.
Starring:
Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammers
Omar Sharif as Osama Bin Laden
Eric Roberts as Agent Chuck Daniels
Ghassan Massoud as Achmed
Rebecca De Mornay as Wife
Kareem Abdul Jabbar as President Obama
Scene 1: The Orphange
Two ragheads sit in a van, adjusting the suicide vest of another. The one with a scar on his face is their leader.
Achmed: Remember your mission Yusuf.
Yususf: Yes brother. These American dogs will pay for their arrogance...
Amir: This has been a long time coming.
Yusuf: I am ready.
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
Yusuf: Allahu Akbar.
He leaves the van and walks towards the orphanage. Achmed lights a cigarette and turns to Amir
Achmed: Drive. Tomorrow morning, their reckoning shall come... For now we must report to the boss and tell him it is done.
They drive off. Achmed stops to shoot an American flag and salute mockingly.
Scene 2: The Suburban Home
A man, a good honest American, is getting breakfast with his beautiful blonde wife and bouncing, beautiful children. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, watching the news.
Newsreader: Another orphanage was attacked this morning, with the terrorist known as "Osama Bin Laden" claiming responsibility for the attack, which left 18 children dead.
Wife: My God... those monsters!
Daughter: Daddy, who's Osama Bin Laden?
Chuck Daniels: He's a very bad man that your daddy is going to look for.
Son: You gonna arrest him daddy?
Chuck Daniels: Haha, I wish I could, Billy. But with a Commie in the White House blocking me at every turn, it'll be difficult...
Wife: Can't you find some way?
Chuck Daniels: I wish I could... Love you honey! You kids have a good day at school you hear me?
He kisses his hot, sexy, buxom wife (Close up) and leaves
Scene 3: Afghanistan
A muscled man does pull ups in the desert heat, an American flag behind him billowing in the wind. His shirtless chest is rippling with muscles and gleaming with sweat. But not in a gay way.
Jack Hammers: ... 998, 999, 1000!
He drops down and swigs the whiskey bottle on the table, before hearing a noise and turning around to see a jeep approaching him. He dons his sunglasses and takes a seat, waiting for them to arrive. They pull up and three men, filthy Arabs, jump out and approach him. All oily and shit.
Scumbag 1: Mr Hammers! So good to see you trespassing on my land again...
Jack Hammers: Come to check my papers again? You know I'm here legally, why keep on hassling me?
Scumbag 2: 'Cause maybe we don't like you!
Scumbag 3: Yeah! Maybe we don't like you!
Jack Hammers: You always this eloquent?
Scumbag 2: What'd you call me?
He reaches for a gun, but Hammers is faster, like all true Americans, in producing his own Desert Eagle
Jack Hammers: Try it pal. Your 72 virgins will be cleaning blood for eternity.
Scumbag 1: Easy gentlemen! We need not resort to violence! Mr Hammers, may I sit down?
Jack Hammers: I would say it's a free country. But I never lie. Not even to men like you.
Scumbag 3: You're a funny man Jack! You'll be even funnier when we strangle you with that flag...
Jack Hammers: Is a man not entitled to be proud of his country?
Scumbag 1: Not yours Jack. Nobody has the right.
Jack Hammers: You'd best turn around. I've tried to be civil.
Scumbag 1: You arrogant American, get out of my country you swine!
They all pull guns, but Hammers blasts away two of them, before kicking the table into the face of their leader and blasting the gun out of his hand. He swigs from his whiskey and glares down at the man
Jack Hammers: Tell him I've got a delivery.
Scumbag 1: Who?
Jack Hammers: The Devil. A delivery of scum like you.
He blows the dud'es brains out over the table with that hot, sleek, cool, ice cold, yet scorching piece of fine American steel. But not in a gay way.
Scene 6: The White House
President Obama: We can't!
Chuck Daniels: Why not?
President Obama: Because it's outside our jurisdiction! I will not let you annoy our friends in the Middle East!
Chuck Daniels: Friends? They're hiding these bastards!
President Obama: You forget your place, Agent!
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: Enough!
Chuck Daniels: ... I can get you another term sir...
President Obama: ... how?
Chuck Daniels: Get me a man, we'll get you Bin Laden. You can take all the credit. You'll be a hero Mr President.
President Obama: And what's in it for you?
Chuck Daniels: I just wanna get this son of a bitch.
President Obama: Admirable, but naive... Alright Daniels. I'll play. You get this man, or you lose your job.
Chuck Daniels: What?!
President Obama: I'll need somebody to blame for this. You're part of national security, you'll do.
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: This isn't negotiable, Agent. Now get out of my office. It's time for me to get my prayer mat...
Scene 10: The Desert
Chuck Daniels approaches Hammers at his home
Jack Hammers: Explain yourself pal, or I'll send you home with a bullet in your brain. What little there is of it...
Chuck Daniels: Easy, Jack! I've come here to ask for your help.
Jack Hammers: How do you know my name?
Chuck Daniels: I read your file, Jack, it's impressive.
Jack Hammers: That was then. I don't work for you anymore.
Chuck Daniels: May I sit?
Jack Hammers: Sure...
Chuck Daniels: Will you put the gun down?
Jack Hammers: I never put my gun down. It's the only thing that's kept me alive out here in this God-forsaken wasteland.
Chuck Daniels: America needs you Jack.
Jack Hammers: Oh? Well do I need America? They've got a God-dammned Commie in the White House, gay marriage on the cards.. The whole country's gone to the dogs...
Chuck Daniels: So you'll just turn your back?
Jack Hammers: ...
Chuck Daniels: Unbelievable.
He tosses a selection of photographs onto the table
Jack Hammers: What the Hell are these?
Chuck Daniels: 18 reasons to believe in America.
Scene 16: The Airport
Two men in suicide vests step into the waiting area, with other terrorists armed with AK-47s attacking and taking hostages
Achmed: Stay down! All of you! We are seizing this airport in the name of Allah! As part of the mighty jihad against you and your people!
Old Lady: Why are you doing this?
Achmed shoots her in the face
Achmed: Stupid American bitch! We do this because we can! Because we hate your freedoms! Zahid, put the tape on screen.
One of the terrorists does some COMPOOTOR HAKKINGZ and gets the screens to show Osama Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: People of America. Know this. My men currently occupy an airport. We seek no ransoms, we seek no release of prisoners. We seek nothing but your attention as you watch us do whatever we choose with you, your people and your country. Because we HATE FREEDOM!
Jack Hammers smashes through the window and goes Die Hard on these S.O.Bs, blasting left right and centre, kicking one guy through a window and then feeding one into the X-Ray machine. He approaches one of the suicide bombers and points his gun at him, but the man takes a hot girl hostage.
Bomber: Don't move Yankee scum! Even if you shoot me, I go off!
(But not in a gay way)
Jack blows his hand off. Close-up of the hand exploding into a bag of goo.
Jack Hammers: Hands off the girl dirtbag...
He shoots him in the other hand just to be sure, leaving the foreign scum writhing on the floor in agony. Our hero looks to the girl.
Girl: Go get those sons of bitches!
Hammers nods and shoots another two terrorists. He makes his way through the airport, encountering one leading a group who ambush him. After a firefight, he corners the leader. They point their guns at each other.
Nasir: You Americans just don't understand us...
Jack Hammers: What's there to understand? You hate freedom. I'm fine with a man not liking the things I love, truly, but when he steps over the line...
Nasir: You nothing of my life, American! I'm from Afghanistan!
Jack Hammers shoots him in the face
Jack Hammers: Now you're in Af-Gone-istan.
He goes out to find Achmed has fled. Bin Laden leers at him from the screen
Bin Laden: You! You dare mess with my plans?!
Jack Hammers: Hide behind your screens whilst you can Osama, I'm coming for you.
Bin Laden: Brave talk for a dead man. Tell me, what name shall I offer up to Allah as the man who I killed for attempting to defile his divine will.
Jack Hammers: Just use my codename buddy.
Bin Laden: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Agent Zero Dark Thirty.
He shoots the screen
Scene 21: The car
Chuck Daniels: I thought you weren't coming back.
Jack Hammers: I couldn't walk. Not from that.
Chuck Daniels: I thought you didn't love America anymore.
Jack Hammers: I never stopped. I may not agree with what's happened to my beautiful bride, but I still love her. I always will...
Chuck Daniels: Well, check the glove compartment.
Jack opens it and discovers a watch
Jack Hammers: This what I think it is?
Chuck Daniels: A welcome back present from the C.I.A
Scene 27: A Cave
Bin Laden: I want this man FOUND!
Achmed: I understand sir...
Bin Laden: I'm not sure that you do, Achmed! I want everything you have on this man! I want his name, his address, his date of birth, his records, his wife, his children, his favourite ice cream flavour, EVERYTHING!
Achmed: His name is Hammers sir. Jack Hammers.
Bin Laden: So you know this man?
Achmed: Yes sir, he was the one responsible for this, many years ago...
He points to his scar.
Bin Laden: Well if you do not bring me his head, that scar will be the least of your worries. Understand?
Achmed: Yes sir.
Bin Laden: Allahu Akbar
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
On the screen, Bin Laden goes back to molesting the white chicks he has kidnapped.
Scene 30: Bagdhad marketplace
Jack Hammers walks down the streets, eyes open and ready for danger. His hand goes to the earpiece that he wears
Chuck Daniels: You hearing me Jack?
Jack Hammers: Yeah I hear ya.
Chuck Daniels: Remember Jack, we want this guy alive so we can find Bin Laden.
Jack Hammers: Alive, not unharmed.
Chuck Daniels: Now you're talking...
He notices Zahid in the street and goes after him, stalking through the crowds. Zahid notices him and makes a break for his car. Men spring from the shadows, dressed in turbans and carrying AK-47s, opening fire indiscriminately. Hammers pulls a pregnant woman out of the crossfire, then blasts the motherfucker in the head, nodding to the woman and going after more of them.
Terrorist: Kill the American!
He kicks a small boy down and Jack stops his pursuit to help him up
Boy: Thanks mister!
Jack Hammers: No problem kid.
Boy: You gonna get that man?
Jack Hammers: Yeah. I'm gonna bring freedom...
Boy: Go get him!
Jack ruffles his hair and goes after the terrorist, cornering him. He shoots him in the face when he reaches for a gun, then shoots his friend. Zahid is hiding behind a stall. His final ally pulls a knife and charges Jack, who floors him with a single punch and breaks his neck before approaching Zahid.
Zahid: I surrender!
Jack Hammers: Not so fast.
He shoots Zahid in the kneecap.
Scene 32: A warehouse
Zahid, bruised and bloodied, is tied to a chair. Chuck and Jack interrogate him.
Chuck Daniels: Just tell us where he is, Zahid.
Zahid: No! Allah forbids it!
Jack Hammers: If you don't tell us, then you'll be meeting Allah...
Zahid: I am not afraid. I have 72 virgins awaiting me.
Jack Hammers: Good luck getting served by them when I cut off your jihad...
Zahid: What?
Jack goes to the table and picks up a knife, walking over to them
Chuck Daniels: You'd better tell him, Zahid.
Zahid: A CAVE!
Chuck Daniels: Which cave?
Zahid: Alright! It's not a cave, it's an old house behind one of the caves!
Chuck Daniels: Point to it on this map.
Zahid points.
Jack Hammers: Good boy Zahid. You're free to go.
Zahid: W...What?
Jack Hammers: You're free to meet Allah.
Jack stabs him in the eye.
Chuck Daniels: I see what you did there.
Jack Hammers: He didn't.
Chuck Daniels: No, but I'm sure that he got the point.
Scene 36: Helicopter
Chuck Daniels: Wait on my order! We let Jack do his work, then send in the reinforcements and bomb this place to hell. Got it?
Pilot: Sure thing pal.
Chuck Daniels: Come on Jack... I know you can do this...
Scene 37: The house
A wounded Jack and Achmed have a shirtless fistfight on the roof. But not in a gay way. Achmed kicks him to the ground and steps on his neck, producing a knife from his boot.
Achmed: The great Zero Dark Thirty... now in my grasp... First we killed your wife and child on September the 11th, and now I get to finish the job personally. I would say that it has been an honour, but you didn't put up much of a fight. Any last words?
Jack Hammers: Two
Achmed: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Hammer time
He presses a button on his watch and a hammer fires out into Achmed's neck. The terrorist drops his knife, staggers back and falls off the roof. Dead. Jack takes the knife and kicks his way through the window.
Scene 38: Bin Laden's living room
The terrorist leader is propped up on cushions, surrounded by hashish, opium and hot drugged up sex slaves. Jack Hammers kicks through the window into his guard, slashing the man's throat, then picks up his AK47 and guns down the other one before turning it on Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: What the?!
Jack Hammers: You're him... The man responsible for all the world's evil
Bin Laden: Please, Mr Hammers, I can give you anything. You want these women? Here! Take them!
Jack Hammers: Like you took them from their good, clean families and made them your brides?
Bin Laden: I can change!
Jack Hammers: Evil never changes... Get out of here girls...
Most of the girls get to their feet and dash out, save one unconscious one.
Bin Laden: Can't you see that this isn't about me, or you, or even the American government? It's about money, oil and power. Your people take what we have, we are just trying to fight back! Fight back in the name of Allah!
Jack Hammers: Oil? Can it Osama.
He shoots the man and then checks his watch, shaking the woman awake
Girl: Huh?
Jack Hammers: Come with me doll, we've gotta get out of here...
Girl: But... Bin Laden...
Jack Hammers: He's Has-Bin Laden now...
Bikini-Clad Girl in his arms, Jack runs in slo-mo from the building as Chuck Daniels fires rockets at it.
Scene 41: The White House
The President is there, ready to present medals to Hammers and Daniels
President Obama: Congratulations gentleman. This country thanks you for stopping a great evil. I too thank you.
Jack Hammers: Keep your medal. I didn't do it for you.
President Obama: Pardon me?
Jack Hammers: I didn't do it for you. I did it for America. Know that whatever happens, Commie president or not, I'll protect my country.
He punches Obama and leaves the office.
The End
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
90s: The Movie
Jack Peterson (Matthew Perry) is a big city architect who seemingly has it all! A good job, a nice house and a life he loves. But when his boss sends him out to the middle of the countryside to help design a new freeway, he finds more than he bargained for when cultures collide! Out of his depth, out of money and seemingly out of luck, his fortunes change when he meets the spunky young Maddy (Meg Ryan) who teaches him about life and love. That is, if he can avoid her equally successful, rich, charming and jealous ex boyfriend Todd (Dylan McDermott).
But Meg lives next door to Bill and Jenny Sanders (Freddie Prinze Junior and Clea Duvall), the happily married couple who have just accepted an abandoned baby into their midst. But it's not all happy families, for their bouncing baby girl (voiced by Mara Wilson) is actually the lost offspring of a pair of aliens! Now the two of them, (Jeff Daniels and Geena Davis) are coming after the couple to get their child back, on one hell of a road trip! To escape, the Saunders' enlist the help of Robbie (Edward Furlong), the comic book nerd next door, and embark on a journey to get to safety, encountering some weird and wonderful characters and discovering some answers about life, love and friendship along the way!
However, they find themselves part of a much bigger problem when two government agents (David Caruso and Gary Sinise) come after the alien couple and block them at every turn, until they find themselves begging the president for help at the White House. Unfortunately, their pleas are cut short when terrorists attack! Now the agents must find a way to rescue the president and the aliens, whilst the aliens find themselves in a situation where they could not only be heroes, but rekindle their own failing marriage!
Led by the charming and charismatic Charles Kane (Bruce Payne) and his psychotic second in command Boyd (Tom Sizemore), the highly trained group have taken over the building and are threatening to execute the president (Pierce Brosnan) unless their demands are met! Now the president must team up with the aliens and a rogue ex special forces agent (Wesley Snipes) to turn the tables on his kidnappers and stop the world from hurtling towards armageddon!
On the road with the Sanders', Robbie is anxious, for he won't be able to get with Cassie (Rose McGowan) his hot date for the prom, which is in three days! Aided by his smooth and charming friend Chuck (Josh Hartnett), he makes an effort to turn his luck around. But as he's helping his neighbours, in an attempt to prove to Cassie that he is responsible, his sworn enemy Brad (Paul Walker) starts making moves on her! Fortunately though, with the aid of the Sanders' and a crazy escaped con they pick up on the road (Stephen Dorff) he stands a chance of winning her back before Principal Owens (Delroy Lindo) books him for detention!
Richie, the convict, is a man running from his own past. He owes money to the ruthless crime lord Darius Donovan (Jeremy Sisto) and needs to lay low for a while. Hitching a lift with a charming couple, he finds himself home in time to see his girl Natalie (Alicia Silverstone) kidnapped by thugs working for Donovan! He's now got 48 hours to raise the $50,000 dollars he owes, or they're both dead! He teams up with maverick cop Dan Powers (Jean Claude Van Damme) on a thrilling journey of gangsters, guns and friendship that'll keep you on the edge of your seat!
Detective Dan Powers needs this case, for he is haunted by the death of his partner years earlier at the hands of ruthless hitman "The Wolf" (Christopher Walken), whilst Captain Owens (Dennis Hopper) is threatening to drop him from the force. Making things worse, his daughter Ella (Rachel Leigh Cooke) won't speak to him and his wife (Patricia Arquette) has left him. But when he finds out that the Wolf is back in town and is now working for the mafia kingpin Louis Lamotta (Victor Argo), he realises that the time has come to kick back!
But Meg lives next door to Bill and Jenny Sanders (Freddie Prinze Junior and Clea Duvall), the happily married couple who have just accepted an abandoned baby into their midst. But it's not all happy families, for their bouncing baby girl (voiced by Mara Wilson) is actually the lost offspring of a pair of aliens! Now the two of them, (Jeff Daniels and Geena Davis) are coming after the couple to get their child back, on one hell of a road trip! To escape, the Saunders' enlist the help of Robbie (Edward Furlong), the comic book nerd next door, and embark on a journey to get to safety, encountering some weird and wonderful characters and discovering some answers about life, love and friendship along the way!
However, they find themselves part of a much bigger problem when two government agents (David Caruso and Gary Sinise) come after the alien couple and block them at every turn, until they find themselves begging the president for help at the White House. Unfortunately, their pleas are cut short when terrorists attack! Now the agents must find a way to rescue the president and the aliens, whilst the aliens find themselves in a situation where they could not only be heroes, but rekindle their own failing marriage!
Led by the charming and charismatic Charles Kane (Bruce Payne) and his psychotic second in command Boyd (Tom Sizemore), the highly trained group have taken over the building and are threatening to execute the president (Pierce Brosnan) unless their demands are met! Now the president must team up with the aliens and a rogue ex special forces agent (Wesley Snipes) to turn the tables on his kidnappers and stop the world from hurtling towards armageddon!
On the road with the Sanders', Robbie is anxious, for he won't be able to get with Cassie (Rose McGowan) his hot date for the prom, which is in three days! Aided by his smooth and charming friend Chuck (Josh Hartnett), he makes an effort to turn his luck around. But as he's helping his neighbours, in an attempt to prove to Cassie that he is responsible, his sworn enemy Brad (Paul Walker) starts making moves on her! Fortunately though, with the aid of the Sanders' and a crazy escaped con they pick up on the road (Stephen Dorff) he stands a chance of winning her back before Principal Owens (Delroy Lindo) books him for detention!
Richie, the convict, is a man running from his own past. He owes money to the ruthless crime lord Darius Donovan (Jeremy Sisto) and needs to lay low for a while. Hitching a lift with a charming couple, he finds himself home in time to see his girl Natalie (Alicia Silverstone) kidnapped by thugs working for Donovan! He's now got 48 hours to raise the $50,000 dollars he owes, or they're both dead! He teams up with maverick cop Dan Powers (Jean Claude Van Damme) on a thrilling journey of gangsters, guns and friendship that'll keep you on the edge of your seat!
Detective Dan Powers needs this case, for he is haunted by the death of his partner years earlier at the hands of ruthless hitman "The Wolf" (Christopher Walken), whilst Captain Owens (Dennis Hopper) is threatening to drop him from the force. Making things worse, his daughter Ella (Rachel Leigh Cooke) won't speak to him and his wife (Patricia Arquette) has left him. But when he finds out that the Wolf is back in town and is now working for the mafia kingpin Louis Lamotta (Victor Argo), he realises that the time has come to kick back!
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