"M3G4N 2.0" - Review

Years after her family-friendly toy went rogue and killed several people, robotocist Gemma (Allison Williams) has reinvented herself as an advocate for safety measures for A.I and preaching the dangers of technology one must monitor, whilst also caring for her fellow survivor and now-teenage niece: aspiring tech developer Cady (Violet McGraw). But her life is upended when the FBI approach her seeking help in tracking down rogue robot AMELIA (Ivanna Sakhno), currently on something of a rampage against creators. Gemma, cornered and under suspicion, is forced to team up with her killer creation M3GAN once again, in order to protect herself and Cady, and stop the evil robot's killing spree...

After the surprising success of the solid, fun satire of "M3G4N", the makers have been ordered to make a sequel and thus pulled a "Happy Death Day 2 U" and hurled everything possible at the screen. Fortunately they have recruited Akela Cooper, co-writer of cinematic masterpiece and peak cinema "Malignant" to help them in this endeavour, and have doubled down on the comedy, tossing out the horror almost entirely, for a rather messy film which just about lands on the right side of amusing fun to be enjoyable. Embracing the camp was also a good idea. The second act is a mess, and the mish-mash of ideas mean it's rather scattershot in its approach, but the jokes come thick and fast, Jenna Davis is having a wonderful time as the titular M3G4N, and Jermaine Clement shows up and steals the show as a tech bro shit, which is always welcome. It's a lot bigger than the previous movie, and has doubled down on what fans ask for: there's a dance sequence, M3G4N is Saturday morning cartoon evil but with a budding "family pet" relationship which is rather enjoyable; and whilst the villain is fucking dreadful (aiming for milquetoast but coming off as limp, weak and wooden in parts) as well as predictable, it's made up for by the performance of AMELIA, who adds physicality and straight-woman proceedings to it all. The makers bring in another "James Wan Cop" turned up to 11 in the form of Timm Sharp's FBI agent, and when it goes screw-loose bananas off the reservation, it still remembers to keep it light and roll with it. The writing seems more "tossing out an idea, geting bored with it, tossing it out and moving on" than a deliberate blending of genres, but I liked it well enough. Weirdly they bring back both of the assistant comic relief characters of the first film (Brian Jordan Alvarez and Jenna Van Epps) but keep finding ways to write out the later without killing her, and keeping comedic shenanigans of the first. I enjoyed it, and I'd probably watch it on Film4 in the evening if it were on. Just watch "Child's Play" 2019 if you need this sort of thing, but it's still fun.

"Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom" - Review

Now the king of Atlantis, and ruler of the 7 kingdoms, Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) juggles a job he doesn't like with fatherhood and his bawdy, drinking, jock-like tendencies. An old face (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) returns, armed with ancient Atlantean technology and a burning vengeance against Curry, forcing Aquaman to team up with his brother Orm (Daddy Patrick Wilson) to seek out a long-forgotten kingdom and its magic trident.

The perfect crescendo to the "DCEU" experiment: it's bloated, hacked to pieces, rushed, overloaded with CGI, a lack of focus and underbaked storylines. It doesn't know what it wants to be about, lacks a constant throughline, and even screws up who its final villain is: tossing aside Black Manta in favour of a largely unseen Sauron knockoff with CGI backdrops and a motive which puts me to sleep. It encapsulates the whole thing perfectly.
I wouldn't know that James Wan (fond of Baroque madness and Gothic horror, and the goofy, weird side of things) had directed this unless you told me, even though Patrick Wilson gets possessed by a monster. Hell, the character development and screen time goes to the wrong character: Randall Park's Dr Stephen Shin, a henchman/reluctant ally of Black Manta who just wants to see Atlantis, and struggles with this situation he has found himself in over the course of the film, before deciding which team he is on. Honestly, that works, unequivocally: Shin is the only character I was actively rooting for, the only guy I wanted to survive and would have felt emotions about had he died, and it came close a few points. Kudos Randall, and that's a good little character.
But why is the focus on him, and not, you know, our leads? Why is it not "Tango and Splash"?
Because here's the thing:
The movie is not good, not really, but I can sort of talk myself into maybe, sort of, kind of defending it.
The props and sets (where they DO exist) are a 50s retro-futurism matching the "Flash Gordon" vibe of the first one, and there are things like an underwater fish pirate haven market, which could be a delightfully goofy mad-libs set piece.
But again, it's rushed.
On paper, the buddy cop adventures of proud, haughty, fallen-from-grace Orm and his douchebag Jock brother Aquaman should soar, and true to form those are the parts where the movie threatens to get good: Wilson and Momoa try their best with the material and the underwritten banter. If it kicked in earlier, and was the focus of the film, it could have worked. I appreciated the "what is this puny human world? Your realm lacks the grandeur of mine!" energy: it could have been the fun, campy siliness we needed. It comes together a bit at the end with a gag about trying human food.
Patrick Wilson fucking Naruto-runs in this movie, which may be the greatest thing caught on camera, and I unironically adore it, and that will be my takeaway from it: that is a little snapshot of how good the film could have been.
Dolph Lundgren and a crab-king voiced by John Rhys-Davies return in the last act for attempts at an epic, with large scale battles and "I'll hold them off!" moments, and a whole "You're alright after all, kid, maybe I was wrong about you..." part: again, holdovers from a better script, and a focus on some characters much missed and very much needed. Hell, the movie throws back to the introduction of Aquaman in the God-awful "Justice League" movie where he was shown rising from the water to dubstep, by having a FUCKING TERRIBLE dubstep cover of "Born to be Wild" over the ending credits, a throwback which I think only me and like, Wan caught. The rest of the score is nice though, there are some funky, weird theremin jams, and it feels weird and wacky.
Is the movie about Aquaman learning to be king? No, that is sort of thrown aside.
Is it about the importance of family?
Well, not really, his wife is written out, his son is a plot device kidnapped by Black Manta, and I've already talked about his brother stuff.
Is it the revenge of Black Manta? Well again, no: he's replaced by a character I did not even know was played by Pilou Asbaek until that one flashback of him in human form, not a good sign (side note: I watched "Overlord" again and that fucking rules).
Is it a wacky romp? I wish it were, it threatens to be that.
This has the hatchet of corporate mandated drama and horseshit behind it, and whilst there was never a forgotten, misunderstood masterpiece beneath it: it would have been nice to see something.

"Malignant" Review - From the Vaults

 Somewhere, atop a throne in a baroque, Gothic, Hammer Horror set: James Wan sits with his "Aquaman" money, akin to Ozymandias or Alexander the Great. Bored with this world and those who dwell within it, stifled by mortal means, he is approached by a woman...

"What bothers you, my love?"

"Ah, Ingrid, love of my life, shining star of all creation... 'tis not you that vexes me so..."

"I am pleased to hear it, James. Do tell, what problem persists in thine mind? Perhaps I can aid in obtaining solutions you seek for this pallid anhedonia wracking your soul?"

"Ingrid, you know me too well! I have made a billion dollars with a movie about a trident wielding fish man and Julie Andrews. I have birthed "torture porn" with Leigh Whannell, who now courts others as their muse. I have rebirthed love for the classic haunted house and Baroque, Gothic horror in "The Conjuring" and "Insidious"... What world is there left to conquer?"

"Ah, such a simple problem you fixate upon! One easily rectified..."

"Tell me, my shining star, my endless delight, source of all that is good and pure in my world, how do I fix this? Pray, tell! I need, nay, MUST know!"

*slams book on desk*

"What is this, Ingrid my dear?"

"... I call it... 'Malignant'!"

This is a weird one.

I spent the entire runtime making this face

I heartily recommend that you do not watch the trailer. 

DO NOT WATCH THE TRAILER.

Asking me if this is a good or a bad movie seems to dodge the purpose and very reason for this movie's existence. 

James Wan set out with a vision. He was granted this vision, and had nobody to stop him from unleashing it.

From a story his wife came up with based upon... well I won't say; he created a 70s pastiche of the surreal. It's not particularly scary, though there is excellent craftsman ship and that usual James Wan flair and love of the strange and "spooooooooky" on display; and with its somewhat clunky lines and odd sense of humour and general silliness for the most part, you wonder what the fuss is about.

Then it clicks.

Context is neither needed, nor deserved

I won't say when, because it'll happen at different points for different people (for me it was the dramatic orchestral sting and close up of a trophy for "Psychiatric Excellence", although the detective character being called "Kokoa Shaw" repeatedly and with a straight face is a VERY close second; along with a character revealing they are adopted, only for the scene to abruptly end like it's fucking Tommy Wiseau's "The Room") but you'll fucking know when you watch it.

The score chimes in at the weirdest moments, its twist is fucking surreal and yet incredibly foreshadowed and thrown in, the violence is GREAT, the villain silly, the characters funny, and the sole bit of tension for me comes in a minor, adorable side character at the end hiding...

It's a batshit mental film where a character throws a chair backwards over their shoulder like they're Charles fucking Barkley and takes out not one, but two moving targets at 200 feet.

10/10