"Masters of the Universe" - Skeletorture Porn

Forced to flee his realm of Eternia after an attack by the skeleton wizard Skeletor (Jared Leto), young prince Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) resides on Earth as a human relations manager in an ofice, mourning the loss of his sword and home planet... But when his quest leads him to his sword, he finally sees a chance to bust free of this office job and seek his destiny!

(Credit: Kotaku)
An enormously expensive Amazon-backed romp attempting to emulate the camp of the original TV series (and actually rather fun movie), which largely floats by thanks to a breezy tone, pastel coloured backdrop punctuated by "Flash Gordon" style riffs and music (Brian May chips in, weirdly, which does explain some of the budget) and a fondness for its material which verges on the cloying, but remains relatively ernest despite some digs (there's a fairly niche, funny laughter gag/mockery right towards the end, and the naming of characters like Fisto and Ram Man does earn well earned laughs without getting homophobic, and pays off rather well) at the silliness of the material: hell they even have the titular character dressed from that video (you know the one) in his pink shirt, and play the original song from it. It's charming and perfectly amusing fare, and I giggled a fair bit: the film feels like something made with love and affection for the source material. This is a film made by guys who love "He-Man", damn it! Even the cameo early on is from a fantastically game icon, and passing of the torch. It's overly long but for every joke that doesn't land there are at least 3 or 4 which earn a mirthful chuckle, even if they're about memes regarding the show (I rather enjoyed Camila Mendes role as the straight-woman Teela proclaiming that Skeletor "has a skull for a face. It's not that complicated"), and the cartoony buouyancy is in safe hands with Travis Knight of Laika. I'm not sure anybody was rooting for a 40+ years overdue adaptation of "He-Man" (at least, not as many people as the OUTRAGEOUS budget banked on), which cost around 200 "The Raids", but the central performance by Nicholas Galitzine is a legitimately funny joke: a musclebound himbo who wishes to resolve conflicts amicably and with empathic, healing language; only to be granted enormous muscles and galactic power. That central gag is great, in my mind.

"Sonic the Hedgehog 3" - Review

Living happily in Green Hills, Sonic the Hedgehog (Ben Schwarz) has found a family in local human doofus Tom (James Marsden), his wife Maddie (Tika Sumpter), fellow Earth exile and flying-fox inventor Tails (Colleen O'Shaughnessey) and warrior echidna Knuckles (Idris Elba). He rushes into action however, when the government of Earth call him out to an incident in Tokyo involving the escape of dangerous alien "Shadow" (Keanu Reeves), and matters are further complicated with the news that mad genius Ivo Robotnik (Jim Carrey) may be involved as well...

I've not watched the first 2 films and I'm not a fan of "Sonic the Herzog" games (I played the first one and simply didn't enjoy it as a platformer. Though I have had much fun watching "Game Grumps" play "Sonic Adventure"), so this film was essentially a test to see if it stands on its own merits. It had mixed results.
It's engaging enough and I never really found myself bored: it has this pinball, rapid fire energy to it which I imagine is fitting for a Sonic the Hedgehog movie, and just about manages to avoid the sugar-rush annoyance of these kind of movies. There are a lot of plates being spun, a lot of characters requiring arcs and lines, and the juggling of both previous characters and new villains to introduce. What lands lands well - Shadow the Hedgehog in particular has a weirdly dark backstory here which I appreciated, and they didn't really chicken out on it either. Shadow the Hedgehog also gets the funniest joke of the movie (about a Mexican telenovella of all things) and weirdly is played rather earnestly by Keanu Reeves. It's not the intensity of something like Robert Patrick in "Peacemaker", but it's played straight and helps balance the tone. In between the wacky antics of Sonic the Hedgehog (an equally earnest, having-the-time-of-his-life Ben Schwarz, who just seems delighted to be able to play Sonic) we don't get too many pop cultural jokes, and we have fairly well sketched arc about not letting trauma define us, not allowing grief to control us (on that note: WATCH "DOCTOR SLEEP!"). The scramble for screen time means certain things get pushed aside (Tails the Fox has maybe 8 lines? I forgot James Marsden and Tika Sumpter were in this until they came back for the final act. And an old guy turns up for one scene, gives some exposition, then dies and we are supposed to find it sad: I assume he is a character from the previous movie) but what is here feels like it is made with love and affection for the source material without wallowing in it. Also the makers appear to be massive nerds: I've been re-reading "Akira" recently and there are multiple shots ripped straight from that manga, not just the bike slide (I appreciated the glass tank and the shots of the tower); oh and there are multiple straight up "Dragon Ball Z" references and riffs. Brandon Trost (cinematographer of "The FP", "American Pickle", "Ghost Rider 2", "Crank 2" and multiple Seth Rogen comedies) plays with colours quite nicely, putting more effort than one normally sees with the brightly, flatly lit fare we get from kids' movies (which seem to be by-word for "low effort"); and the soundtrack is full of things like a cover of "99 Red Balloons" and "Firestarter".
I like it. It's nicely done.
Oddly there is a touching arc about Robotnik (who is among the best and consistently funny parts of the film) and his assistant, tying nicely into the found-family aspect, much like Shadow's angle. It just about works.
I imagine Sonic the Hedgehog fans will enjoy this, and it will appeal to children too without being too insufferable for adults. I'm not sure how much more it can cram in and juggle henceforth, but I didn't hate it. Kudos.

Three Thousand Years of Longing - Review

A narratologist (Tilda Swinton) is going to tell you a story.
She is going to tell you a tall tale of tormented truth, for if she spoke it as it happened, you would not believe her. It is a story of love, loss, loneliness and the power of tales themselves, about the hold that stories have on us, and how blinded we are to our own legends. It is a tale of how she met a Djinn (Idris Elba) in a hotel room, and was granted 3 wishes, and a tale of tales as he asked to be regaled by his mythos leading to this perfect, fortuitous moment.
From the director of "Mad Max: Fury Road".

Please watch this.
George Miller has woven (with co-writer Augusta Gore, and based upon a short story by A.S Byatt) a modern day fairy tale. No cynicism, no jokes, no sneering disregard for such a thing - just something akin to "100 Years of Solitude" or "Arabian Nights", with what is essentially just 2 characters telling stories in a hotel room. He uses effects and editing to splendid degree (check out the simple storytelling flourishes of a book being placed in a box, to quite heartbreaking effect, alongside oil-paintings of world building and mood pieces), capturing an intoxicating and beguiling wonder of a natural storyteller. It's romantic, dark, twisted, fluid, and magical in equal measure, and the dialogue is like poetry out of these actors' mouths. You will be rooting for these crazy kids by the end of it (all the way to a sweet and well-earned conclusion) and it's something of a refreshing drink from an oasis in these dark and soulless times.
And it has Idris Elba naked for 90% of its runtime.
And Tilda Swinton sounds like her character in "Snowpiercer", if that's your thing.

I joke that you can't believe this is from the director of "Mad Max: Fury Road", but honestly: if you've seen "Babe: Pig in the City", you'll get it.

"The Suicide Squad" Review - From the Vaults

 Of all of the things I expected from "The Suicide Squad", "Whistle for the Choir" by The Fratellis was not one of them...

On the island of Corto Maltese, a military coup has just displaced the island's rulers. Now Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) has dispatched a team of ragtag supervillain misfits to the island, not to deal with the coup, but to eliminate the mysterious facility of "Jotunheim", a leftover from Nazi war criminals which contains a dangerous weapon which must be destroyed. Leading the team is cynical mercenary loner with a fear of rats and a suit made of guns, named Robert "Bloodsport" DuBois (Idris Elba); and accompanying him are:

Christopher Smith, "Peacemaker" (John Cena) an ultraviolent, jingoistic, uptight, arrogant murder machine who believes in America and peace at any cost.

Nanaue (Sylvester Stallone), an adorable man eating shark set to become the internet's favourite part, and I can see why.

Abner Kirill, "Polka Dot Man" (The always underrated David Dastmalchian) a depressed, quiet, strange man with mother issues, a tragic past and the need to fire a polka-dot virus out of his body before it consumes him.

Ratcatcher 2 (Daniela Melchior, more on her later) an adorable young thief with the ability to control rats, a terrible past of her own, and a best friend/pet rat named Sebastian who practically carries the team in my book.

Our Queen. Picture source: Kyulcorn, Art Station

They team up with others on their journey, both old faces and new, and must learn to work together if they are to survive this hellscape. That is, if any of them are even meant to get off this island alive...

First things first, before I say anything else:

I do not understand how this movie gets away with being a 15. James Gunn has gone back to the good old days of Troma and goes WAY harder than he needs to. We get men ripped in half (squibs, not CGI blood), heads chewed, throats slit, men set on fire, people injecting heroin (twice), male full frontal nudity, boobs, a HORRIFYING underground laboratory straight out of "Slither" or a Troma movie; and a beach scene straight out of "Saving Private Ryan". This should NOT be a 15.

This movie is fantastic fun.

I legitimately adore these two fucking characters so fucking much. My queen Ratcatcher 2. Source: Kathudsonart, Pinterest

Gunn has captured the spirit of a 70s war film, and a B-movie one at that. This is a riotous, bloody, gory, violent, carnage fuelled odyssey into darkness, blood, and fucking hilarity. The pacing is fantastic, there is a spark and spontaneity and creativity to the fight sequences (special mentions go to something straight out of "Birds of Prey" and one shot entirely in a reflection) and that soundtrack we have come to love and expect from Gunn at this point. But there's no overuse of the gas pedal, he knows when to relent, understands the importance of pacing, and of characters.

Seriously this movie is so much fun. Source: Agente Parker, Twitter.https://twitter.com/agenteparker/status/1427453464335069187?lang=en

We like this Squad, we want to see them succeed. Idris Elba is always excellent, and here is the prototype of an Idris Elba action movie character we have wanted but never quite gotten; David Dastmalchian is fantastic and gets the darkest joke of the movie, Margot Robbie as Dr Harleen Quinzel is wisely written out for a lot of the movie so that we can focus on our main protagonists and not be too distracted (though her sequences are fun, and surprisingly subversive, and also a good running gag with a weapon); John Cena is having fun subverting and playing with his all-American image to a surprisingly dark effect; Joel Kinnaman returns as Colonel Rick Flag and is given a lot more to do here, and actually was one of my favourite characters this time round; but it is Daniela Melchior who is the centre and anchor of the movie: Ratcatcher 2 is a sweet, endearing, heartbreaking and all-together lovely character, and her dynamic with Bloodsport and the team adds some humanity missing in a lot of these movies.

It's not for everybody (it's fucking gory as hell, and the sense of humour may grate at some people) but it's got an anarchic, almost punk-like sensibility to it. This is made with love and eclectic carnage, without forgetting what makes these movies fun.