There are times when "Expend4bles" almost works as a macho, over the top 80s gory throwback. There is blood (unfortunately CGI, cheapening and ruining the effect) and an occasional line where the characters attempt to give each other shit, and this banter feels good on some (Lundgren and Statham mostly) but incredibly weak on others (why Couture keeps getting more lines was a mystery to me, until I saw what it was like when Fiddy attempted to deliver some); and there is one piece of macho bullshit which works and got a chuckle out of me: Dolph Lundgren keeps missing his shots at the start of the film (planting), and tries to stay sober, then in the final gunfight at the end her misses again - he winces, downs a hip flask of whiskey, lands 7 headshots in a row, kills 8 more people with a grenade and goes (practically to the camera) "It's good to be back!" (Payoff!). It's one of the few times when tone works, and when it reaches those heights of greasy dumpster fire trash and over the top carnage it wants.
Unfortunately Scott Waugh is a talentless hack, squandering his budget on CGI and cutting his movie to ribbons, and when the cartoonish backdrops (they CGI a BAR FOR PEOPLE TO CHAT IN!) are not done any favours by the dingy "Call of Duty knockoff" lighting, they are on full vibrant horrible display in "Avengers TV movie" lighting. There are no in betweens.
The editing and shooting is so bad that it makes me wonder if Iko Uwais and Tony Jaa can actually fight, it gets that bad. Andy Garcia delivers a performance so terrible I am convinced it had to be a directing issue, all done in a short time frame on as few takes as possible - all flat intonation and half-flubbed lines. It's genuinely startling to see a performance this bad, this rushed: it's something akin to Steven Seagal reading for "Hamlet" whilst fleeing an impending SA conviction. I swear, the man is half drunk and doesn't know where he is.
The script does no favours to anybody.
The script doesn't need to be intricate or excellent, it needs to do the job, and it stumbles out of the block and falls flat on its face. It's not hard: you come to this movie for the promise of old school action from old school action stars, so just have our ragtag team of thinly sketched characters go on a rampage, kick some ass in an exotic locale and massacre the equivalent of the population of Morocco, and ride into the sunset smoking cigars, knocking back whiskey and fondling the asses of women half their age whilst a mansion detonates behind them, cleansing the area in the fires of their virility.
Instead we get the central cast written out of the movie, with the exception of Statham, and stiff, weak, limp action movie scenes which seem to be struggling to find their purpose, and the movie still has the gall to pad itself with scenes like Statham finding work as a bodyguard for an obnoxious social media influencer.
I wish I could tell you how the performances of the oft-maligned Megan Fox and newcomer Levy Tran are, but again they are given nothing to do. Fox is fine, and Tran belongs in a "John Wick" movie with her myriad of tattoos and use of a bladed chain whip which threatens to make the movie fun, moreseo than Statham Tokyo-drifting a cruiser or flipping a machine-gun mounted motorbike 8 times in the air.
By the time those things happen, I'd clocked out.
All you need to know is this:
Dolph Lundgren credits "The Expendables" with saving his career, turning him from desperate direct to video movies and reminding Hollywood that he was still around and kind of cool. He experienced something of a career Rennaissance: "Creed 2", "Hail Caesar!", "Aquaman", better direct to video fare ("Castle Falls", which is fun and he takes directing duties on; "Universal Soldier: Regeneration"; and the bloody good time "Don't Kill It" which is both mine and his favourite roles ever and a fucking awesome premise and rip roaring good time I recommend whole-heartedly); and him effectively turning his life around: he's the patron of a human-trafficking charity, reconnected with his children, got sober and has really been in his best place for years now. He is a credit to himself, the first movie, Hollywood as a whole, and an icon of non-toxic masculinity.
He has also been suffering from kidney cancer since 2015.
The movie introduces him with 50 Cent mocking him for having a bad wig, and telling him it looks bad.
Fuck this movie.
Please just watch Dolph Lundgren movies and his TED Talk instead.
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