A Poem for Thee, Matthew Reilly

West and The Wizard

When determining which soldier is the best,
They settled on an Aussie named Jack West.
With a big metal arm
And absolutely no charm,
And he looked like a bear wearing a vest.

He was followed by an old man named Epper,
Who avoided black men like a leper.
He had a big beard,
And was really weird,
Like people who still drink Dr. Pepper.

There was also a giant named Big Ears.
Whose code name brought people to tears.
He was incredibly thick,
'cause Reilly made him a Mick,
Making him a mockery amongst his literary peers.

He carried a young girl named Lily.
Whose inclusion in all this was rather silly.
She was a pain in the arse,
And made this adventure a farce.
She was there to drop stupid lines willy-nilly.

Princess Zoe was the one she adored.
As the token girl in this unshaven horde.
But Reilly lacks writing skill
And in this literary swill
Her character remains unexplored.

Pooh Bear was the son of a Sheikh,
An interesting character this fact could make.
But he's just mere cliches
For Arabian ways.
And makes Reilly come across as a flake.

Stretch was Pooh Bear's best friend.
Upon which he could always depend.
Except when he's not
Which is an awful lot,
Because Stretch is a massive bell-end.

Noddy was left guarding the door
After changing his name from Matador
Because to Reilly it seems
That for Spaniards on teams
Having other nicknames is a bore

Fuzzy was the name of the black guy
Who we all know is going to die
And Wizard hates him
For the colour of his skin
So of all the characters we ask: Why?

They soon start to send us round the bend
Facing the traps with which they must contend.
Yet with a simple look
In Epper's magic book
That drama is brought to an end.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 13

Are you still with us?
I'll give you a moment to recover from the harrowing death of Pooh Bear. Oh Pooh Bear, we hardly knew you. At his funeral, we shall play "Ave Maria" and "Arab Money" and remember his life by dropping giant rocks on the guests and having the eulogy be a dismissive racist ramble by Wizard.
The previous diagram is actually very helpful in the segments which follow. Since he doesn't really explain the layout very well, I'll try to do so in bullet points:

• It's basically a giant sheer cliff face
• There's one long stairwell criss-crossing up it
• West's team arrive on the right hand side (if you're facing it)
• The Europeans are on the left hand side, armed with a giant crane.
• There are "trap holes" built into the wall.
• This particular trap is effectively one enormous pachinko machine.

The Grand Cavern

West poked his head up through the manhole to behold a truly awesome sight.
We'll be the judge of that, Reilly. Stop complimenting your own writing. I can assure you that it is not worthy of it.
He was at the base of a gargantuan cavern situated right in the belly of the mountain, a cavern easily 400 feet high.
A former rock quarry, it was roughly triangular in shape, wide at the base, tapering to a point at the top.
West was at the extreme sound end of the cavern, while opposite him at the northern end, one hundred yards away, were the Europeans: with their floodlights, their troops... and a half built crane.
Cursed Europeans! Those young folk, with their "technology" and their "sensible things". Don't they know that you're supposed to turn up with only a thong and some flip flops and run the gauntlet of traps, getting all of your people horribly murdered in the process? Fucking amateurs... How dare those European psychopaths try to do this safely and bypass the traps! You can tell that they're evil...
Without doubt, however, the most striking feature of the cavern was its charcoal-coloured diorite rockface.
The rockface rose for the  the full height of the cavern, soaring into the darkness beyond the reach of the Europeans' floodlights: a giant black wall.
As a quarry, the Egyptians had mined this diorite seam systematically - cutting four narrow edges out of the great wall. So that now the rockface looked like a 30-storey office building that had been divided into four step-like tiers.
Why? Does it have windows? Is there an over-abundance of stationary? Are middle management looming over their heads and pushing deadlines upon them, whilst trying to remain "friendly" for the office environment?

Um, yeah, if you could go ahead and, uh, finish those Diorite Excavation Reports before Lily gets another line, that'd be greaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Each ledge ran for the entire width of the rockface, but they were perilously narrow: barely wide enough for two men to stand on side-by-side.
If that wasn't already dangerous enough, Imhotep V had adapted this already unusual structure into a masterpiece of protective engineering.
In short, he'd laid hundreds of traps all over it.
Why didn't you use that line in the first place, Matt? Although, simplifying your prose even further is unnecessary and does you no favours whatsoever. An interesting thing to note is this: Matthew Reilly apparently is a perfectionist where it comes to his books, frequently cutting and editing multiple drafts more than most authors do.
He still thought it fit to keep those lines.
The four narrow ledges swung back and forth, each rising steadily before ending at a cut-into-the-rock ladder that led to the next level.
So, Donkey Kong? I'm actually a little surprised that Titus Pullo or some other character hasn't made that comparison in the texts, to make it "cool 4 teh kidz yo!"
The only exception was a wall-ladder between the first and second levels: its ladder was situated in the exact centre of the cavern equidistant from the northern and southern entrances, as if Imhotep V was encouraging a race between rival parties who arrived at the same time.
Since each narrow ledge was cut from pure diorite, a grappling hook would be useless - it could never get a purchase on the hard black stone.
Unless it's a diolite hook, or a regular grappling hook for that matter, we've been through this Matt.
To get the top, one had to traverse every level and defeat the traps on them.
And how many traps there were!
Oh for fuck's sake, Matthew.
Is this an Edward Lear poem? Well, fuck it, it is now. I hereby promise to create a nonsense poem based upon "Seven Ancient Wonders" in the same style as Edward Lear's "Owl and the Pussycat".
Small arched forts dotted the great wall at irregular intervals, spanning each of the ledges, concealing traps.
Hundreds of basketball-sized wall-holes littered the rock-face, containing God-only-knew what kind of liquids.
Is this prose or a character? I also would like to change my answer as to who I think the 9th (Well, 8th now that Pooh Bear is gone) team member shall be, based solely upon the idea of basketball sized holes:

Come on and Slam!
And let's beat Uncle Sam!
Come on and Slam!
Let's get out of this Jam!

And where holes were not possible,
Porn count: 16
long stone chutes slid snake-like down the rock-face - looking a bit like upside down chimneys that ended with open spouts ready to spew foul liquids over the unwary intruder.
Porn count: 17. Are you sure you're not doing this on purpose, Matthew?
Seeing the holes, West detected the distinctive odour of oil in the air - giving him a clue as to what might come out of some of them.
OIL! Now we know why America is interested in this place! West is the greatest detective ever! Like a cross between Adrian Monk and Columbo, but with a metal arm! This could change genre and become the adventures of TV's greatest detectives, making the book infinitely better and actually giving us a reason as to why they can predict all plot which happens, no matter how insane!
Starring Jack West as Kojak, the Metal Armed Psychopath!
With:
Princess Zoe as DCI Vera Stanhope! Made sexy for Hollywood! Though, that's not to say Brenda Blethyn isn't sexy...
Wizard the Amazing Racist as Detective Andy Sipowicz!
Big Ears as Ironside! Only, he has a rocket chair and is played by Titus Pullo.
Fuzzy as Luther!
Pooh Bear as Monk!
Horus the Falcon as Magnum Motherfucking P.I

How I see Horus in every scene.

Stretch can be Ellery Queen.

I would pay a ridiculous amount of money to make this series happen.
I am also fully aware that half of that list are dead and the other half elderly or not on the air anymore.

Poor Ellery Queen... Was I the only one to watch Ellery Queen?

And there was the final feature.
The Scar.
New rule: Drink when he capitalises something unnecessarily.
And take a shot.
This was a great uneven crevice that ran all the way down the rock-wall, cutting across the ledges and the rockface with indifference.
Like a cat?
It looked like a dry riverbed, only it ran vertically instead of horizontally.
We are aware how directions work.
At the top of the cavern, it was a single thick crevice, but it widened towards the base, where it forked into two smaller scars.
A trickling waterfall dribbled down its length, from some unknown source high up inside the mountain.
To cross the Scar on any of the four ledges meant either tip-toeing across a foot-wide mini-ledge or leaping across a small void... in both cases in front of wall-holes or other shadowy recesses.
Gay porn count: 18.
The trickling waterfall that rolled down the Scar fed a wide lake at the base of the rockface - a lake that now separated West and his team from the European force, a lake that was home to about sixty Nile crocodiles, all variously sleeping, sloshing or rolling over each other.
And at the very top of the colossal structure: a small stone doorway that led to this mine's fabled treasure.
The head of an ancient wonder.
Take a shot.
It's nice to have our title dropped 34 pages in.

Peering over the rim of the manhole, West gazed at the Europeans and their half- finished crane.
With envy, presumably.
As he watched, dozens of men hauled more pieces of the crane into the cavern, handing them to engineers who then supervised the attachment of the pieces to the growing machine.
In the midst of this activity, West spied the leader of the European expedition, the Jesuit,
That's... racist?
del Piero, standing perfectly erect,
Gay porn count: 19.
his hands clasped behind his back. At 68, del Piero had thinning slicked-down black hair, ghost-like grey eyes, deep creases on his face, and the severe expression of a man who had spent his life frowning at people.
Here's another problem with Reilly: his villains always look evil and his heroes always look like glowing, healthy, happily perfect specimens of humanity. Observe how this is easily turned on its head:
A firm, confident, upright man, he had soft grey eyes and the expression of a studious, learned scholar.
That will be del Piero. And compare:
 He had a long, straggly beard, and lean, hungry eyes. He was a dismissive, elderly man, clutching a notebook closely to himself, muttering under his breath.
And that'll be Wizard.
It's really that easy.
But it was the tiny figure standing next to del Piero who seized West's attention.
Was the word "seized" really necessary? It's a little violent. I know he used it rather than "captured" or "caught", so as to further the urgency and speed, due to the connotations of the word. Yet it's so... poor.
A small boy.
With black hair and even blacker eyes.
Evil. Also, take a shot.
West's eyes widened. He had seen this boy before. Ten years ago...
Woah! Three shots!
The boy stood at del Piero's side with his hands clasped behind his back, mimicking the imperious stance of the old Jesuit.
He seemed to be about Lily's age.
No, West corrected himself, he was exactly Lily's age.
First of all take a shot for the repetition.
West having seen this boy before is explained later, unfortunately, but still raises a question: how does he recognise him?
It's also pretty obvious, to anybody who isn't an avid Matthew Reilly reader, that the boy and Lily are twins. Now, I had forgotten all about this character until I reread the book for this blog, and he's supposed to be the "Evil" version of her, the "dark mirror" thing that authors like doing with siblings, largely as a result of being raised by the evil old Jesuit. Yet he doesn't truly demonstrate anything besides being haughty and proud, and arrogantly assured of his status (which is actually totally justified due to plot, but we're getting ahead of ourselves here) and he is also FAR less annoying that Lily, partly due to having less screen time. One last thing:
How are they "exactly" the same age? One will be a few minutes older than the other. It's a trivial difference (unless you have a twin sibling, in which case the elder one holds it over the younger's head with glee), but still:
Take a shot for that.

West's gaze shifted back to the crane
It was a clever plan.
Once finished, the crane would lift the Europeans up over the first ledge and land them on the second.
Not only did this allow them to avoid about ten traps, it also enabled them to avoid the most dangerous trap of all in this cavern:
The Master Snare.
Of course it's a clever plan, Matthew, it's how any sensible person would traverse this booby-trapped structure if they needed to do so quickly.
Take a shot for that three word sentence, and another for the capitalisation.
West knew all about it from the Callimachus Text - which he suspected del Piero and the Europeans could have had a copy of. That said, they could have become aware of it from other ancient texts written by Imhotep V.
That section was just bizarre to read. Reilly is mentioning a key plot item (the Callimachus Text) which explains a few things later, and stating that it's so important as to have the villains also possibly operating from it. But he then immediately shuts that down. Why was it there? If it's to show a little of West's strange thought process, then it's too little too late, as well as an odd place to put it. If it's to show off how "cool" and "clever" West is by having read up on this beforehand, then it's simply unnecessary and also makes West seem like a smug, self-centred prick. But, he is a smug and self-centred prick...
I take it back, then, this was entirely necessary.
While the other Imhoteps had their own signature traps, Imhotep V had invented the Master Snare, a trap that was triggered in advance of the system's innermost vault - thus making the final leg of the journey a matrix of trap-beating versus time. Or as Wizard liked to say: "Beating booby-traps is one thing; beating them against the clock is another."
Gay porn count: 20. Does Wizard really say that? I think that he needs a snappier catch-phrase. It also sounds like something he'd say to a group of black people at a Klan meeting before they begin "The Hunt".

Since it's Wizard we're talking about here, how about making his catchphrase: "No hood? No good!"

That said, the Master Snare was not so crude as to destroy the entire trap system. Like most of Imhotep's traps, it would reset itself to be used again.
It's nice to see the Egyptians recycling. You can say what you want about the murderous trap systems and psychotic compartmentalised death machines of this obsessive-compulsive madman: He did at least have the concerns of the environment at the forefront of his mind.
No, in most cases the Master Snare left you in a do-or-die predicament: If you were good enough, you could take the treasure. If you weren't, you would die.
Clarification is wonderful, isn't it?
The Callimachus Text stated that the trigger stone for the Master Snare of this system lay in the very centre of the first level, at the base of the ladder there.
Wizard appeared at West's side, peered out from the manhole.
"Mmm, a crane. With that, del Piero and his men will avoid triggering the Master Snare. It'll give them more time up in the Holy of Holies. Very clever."
"No, it's not clever" West said flatly. "It's against the rules."
"The rules?"
"Yes, the rules. This is all part of a contest that has been held for the last 4,000 years, between Egyptian architects and grave robbers. And this contest has an honour code - we attack, Imhotep V defends. But by skipping a major trigger stone, del Piero is cheating. He's also showing his weakness."
"Which is?"
"He doesn't believe he can beat the Master Snare." West smiled. "But we can."
There are five shots based on short sentences alone here, so take them at your leisure. There is also a lovely return of the dialogue which would actually be better as simple prose.
Do you remember only a few pages ago that West and his team bypassed a bunch of traps with their use of hand rungs and rivet guns? And do you remember the various pieces of equipment that they have used thus far to get through in ways which were never intended by the architects?
Yes.
West and his team are hypocritcal fuckbags.
It's not stupid enough that West believes in triggering every trap and horribly murdering all of those trying to do this safely (because he's an asshole), but he cannot even follow this supposed "code of conduct" himself. If you're going to get the team killed (the team which you will run to the ends of the Earth for and seem to treat like an extended family, if the death of Pooh Bear is anything to go by) with your odd ideas about honouring this system, then you can at least die with them. THAT is honour.
You don't think that in "The Wasp Factory", if a wasp found a way out due to an error in construction, it wouldn't take it? You think that the wasp would sit there and think to itself: "No, actually, this is a fair system, I'm supposed to die in here, because using that exit would be cheating and defeating the purpose of this game."
Of course not.
So we are supposed to believe that del Piero is evil, based upon the sheer basis that he looks old and grumpy and doesn't want to trigger the death mechanisms (Also the name of a my new heavy metal album) which would surely kill the innocent members of his team who are only following orders?
Fuck you, Jack West Jr.
This is stupid writing.
And as to whether or not he can indeed beat the trap, we shall see.

The Wasp Factory is also a very good book.

West dropped back down to the base of the ladder, turned to his tea of six.
"Okay kids. This is what we've trained for. Leapfrog formation, remember your places. Lily, you're with me in the middle. Fuzzy, you're the point for the first disable. Then Big Ears, Zoe and Stretch. Wizard, you'll have to cover for Pooh Bear, who was going to cover the fifth, I'll trigger the Master Snare."
That phrase "who was going to cover the fifth" is more clunky exposition dialogue which is also completely redundant if the reader is able to count.
Calling your team "kids" is also not going to endear the to you. Wizard is definitely older than you, Pooh Bear, Stretch and Big Ears are definitely in their 30s at least (probably older in the case of Big Ears) and they are all trained soldiers, not amateur grave robbers.
We've been told that they're soldiers.
Except for Stretch, actually. We only know he's tall and thin. Maybe he's just a mechanic, or a man they use to reach things on shelves.
Everyone nodded, game faces on.
Take a shot. Not the for the length, but the idiocy. That is a retarded sentence.
West turned to Wizard. "Okay, Professor. You got those Warblers ready? Because as soon as we break cover, those Europeans are going to open fire."
"Ready to go, Huntsman." Wizard said, holding up a large gun-like object that looked like an M203 grenade launcher.
A gun-like object.
Held by a human-like figure. In a hand-shaped appendage.
Take three shots.
Warblers will make their big entrance soon. They are the second of Wizard's inventions which we meet.
Don't you think it's nice of West to call Wizard "Professor" as well? After all of this time calling him by his codename. They're supposed to be close as well, aren't they? So why not "Max"?

"Mad Epper: Racist Road" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. However, it is oddly appropriate, all things considered...

"I'll need maybe four seconds before you can make a break for it."
"I'll give you three."
This isn't negotiable, West. Who's the scientist here?
They all put their hands into the middle, team-style, 
Get it? Because they're a team...
and called "Kamate!", after which they broke, with Wizard leading their way up the ladder, into the fray.
Kamate is Maori and roughly translates (according to my research) as "'tis death!"
Way to psych up your team there West, especially considering how you're Australian, and not from New Zealand. Come to think of it, none of the team are. It is thus a mystery as to how they decided upon that as their big team chant.

See you next chapter. I need a drink.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 12 (Poll!)

Before we get onto the next chunk of the book, I shall have a quick poll for you all!
I promised a poll of our characters so far, based entirely upon their minimal descriptions, and I shall deliver! I also present to you the movie cast for this book, including later characters of importance who have been merely described, as well as my guesses as to who the Ninth member of the team is (Though, I already know, and it's something stupider than my suggestion here.).
The most popular character will be drawn by me, and personally sent out to everybody who reads it. Don't expect much. I draw like Matthew Reilly writes.

I also have a competition for my handful of readers:

Guess the nickname of the Ninth member!

Anybody who gets it, will get a prize. I will also accept the funniest suggestion as the one I use for the rest of the book, so you can feel as if you have some kind of input on this blog!

Starring Hugh Jackman as Jack West Jr, all round super asshole! Hopefully sporting this very same facial hair and expression throughout the entire movie, because it's more amusing that way.

That's the face of a man reading a script where he has a metal arm.

Co-starring Gilbert Gottfried as Lily! Because if she has to say those stupid lines, at least make them sound passable in his voice.

Worth the ticket price alone, I can assure you.

With Ray Stevenson as Titus Pullo/Big Ears/Gunman, idiot trap trigger and carrier of Gilbert Gottfried!

Hold me, Titus. Hold me in your manly, manly arms...

With Shirley Henderson as Princess Zoe! Because I've never seen her in an action movie, which she'll rock at because Shirley Henderson can do wrong, and so that the inevitable romance between these two characters gets less weird.

Seriously, you wouldn't want to see her in an action movie? Shirley Henderson makes any movie better by virtue of her presence.

And also starring Malcolm McDowell as Max T. Epper. Because if anybody is a wizard, it's him:

And so he won't play villains anymore.

With sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy Omid Djalili as Omid Djalili, A.K.A Pooh Bear, A.K.A Omid Djalili.

Enough said.

Co-starring Lee Pace as Stretch, as he's the youngest, tallest man I can think of. But only as long as he plays the character as Ronan the Accuser.

Definitely the face of a hardcore globe trotting badass.

And our favourite character, Horus, is played by:

And with Chris Tucker's ballsack as Fuzzy.

And finally, I think that their last member shall be renowned Japanese icon General Lee. Not him playing a character, but him.

Majestic General Lee... Because if anybody can do battle with traps of a ridiculous nature, it's him.

Who is your favourite?

Winners will be announced at some point.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 11

This chapter just keeps going... Unfortunately, there were no correct entries in last week's competition, so the prize rolls over until next time! The correct answer was no, unfortunately, the sweet, sweet beats of Hadkouken! It was in fact, something stupid, as you are about to find out.
"It's a sliding stone!" Wizard called "Guarding the Third Gate!"
Is it some sort of watchman, then? Or a tribute act? "Guarding the Third Gate" sounds like an album.

"Sliding Stone", the world's 5th best Rolling Stones tribute act.

A giant square-shaped block of granite- its shape filling the slipway perfectly and its leading face covered in vicious spikes- was sliding down the slipway, coming directly towards them!
Its method of death was clear:
Boredom
if it didn't push you into the spiked pit, it would slide over that pit on the stone runners and push you into the lower diorite pit... where it would fall in after you, crushing you, before whatever was coming out of the side passages made its big entrance.
Made its big entrance? Is it Nathan  Lane?

"Hello West! Welcome to my TUNNEL!"
Or his Birdcage. Go watch that, that's way better than this.

Jesus. Let's get on with the riveting writing of Reilly.
Jesus.
No.
You cannot express awe and amazement at your own traps, Matthew. You are not allowed to sit there and gasp in amazement at your writing. Observe:
“Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you.
Woah."
You see? That was a quote from "The Count of Monte Cristoe" by Alexander Dumas. Do you see how me adding that one word made it a better book? You don't? Well then, you clearly do not possess the brilliance of Matthew Reilly.
Let's move on.
Halfway between the sliding stone and the Eight, sunken into the angled floor of the slipway, was a door that opened into a horizontal passage.
Gay porn count: 15.
The Third and last Gate.
Take a shot. Did anybody NOT call that? If you didn't, I'm sending an ambulance to your house, as you've clearly passed out on the keyboard.
The Eight bolted up the slope.
This is starting to sound like "DIY SOS".
The block gained speed- heading down the slope, propelled only by gravity and its immense bulk.
Oh good. I was hoping that there were no rockets attached to the rock, or even a simple lathering of grease. Otherwise this trap would be stupid and unrealistic.
It was a race to the Gate.
Now that is a game show I'd see. Like "Takeshi's Castle" but with Michael Bay.

This, but with greased rocks, and fewer Asian people. And maybe a few more massacres, ethnic cleansing and disregards for the laws of physics.

West and Big Ears and the girl came to the doorway cut into the sloping floor, ducked inside it.
Wizard came next, followed by Fuzzy and Princess Zoe.
The sliding granite block slid across the top of the doorway just as the last two remaining members of the team were approaching it.
"Stretch! Pooh! Hurry!" West called.
Is he urgently asking them to hurry, or is he issuing Yoga instructions? That's the problem with these names.
The first man - a tall thin fellow known as Stretch - dived, slithering in under the sliding stone a nanosecond before it completely covered the doorway.
The last man was too late.
He was easily the pudgiest and heaviest in the group. He had the olive skin and deep lush beard of a well-fed Arab Sheik. His call-sign in his own country was the rather mighty Saladin, but here it was-
"Pooh Bear! No! Nooo!" The little girl screamed.
The stone slid over the doorway, and despite a final desperate lunge, Pooh Bear was cut off, left in the slipway at the mercy of the great block.
Wow, that was actually rather surprising. They have finally described all save one of the team (Who we meet after this segment) only to kill one of them off. Supposedly. Again, we're getting ahead of ourselves, but I've already stated before that Pooh Bear and Stretch get the closest thing resembling character arcs, so you know he'll survive. It also does not help that we have only just learned what he looks like, let alone what his personality or arc is, so there's not much point in truly killing him off for any meaningful impact at this point. Besides which, this trap is actually pretty easy to escape, as you will see. I also imagine Pooh Bear, based entirely on that stereotypical description, to look like this:

If the mighty Omid Djalili does not play him when this is inevitably made into a film, then there is no justice in the world.

So, with that shock exit of a major character happening so early on, and the little girl taking it pretty hard, how do the rest of the team take to the death of one of their own?
"No...!" West called, hitting the underside of the sliding stone as it went by, sweeping the helpless Pooh away with it.
Okay, so he takes it poorly. As is to be expected.
"Oh dear, poor Zahir..." Wizard said.
That's it? That's all this old man, who is the only other civilian amongst their ranks and is something of the closest we have to a human being here, can only say "Oh dear"? Well, I suppose he is a racist after all. Managing to out-jerk Jack West: Super Jerk is something of an achievement. Fuck you, Wizard.
For a moment, no-one spoke.
Thank Christ. Can we keep it that way?
The seven remaining members of the group stood in stunned silence. Lily sobbed quietly.
Then West blinked- something inside him clicking into action.
That'll be his "emotion sensor" flicking into the "plot mode".
"Come on everyone, we've got a job to do and to do it we have to keep moving. We knew this wasn't going to be a cakewalk. Hell, this is only the beginning-"
Way to inspire your team there.
He turned then, gazing at the horizontal corridor awaiting them. At its far end was a ladder cut into the end-wall, a ladder that led up to a circular manhole cut into the ceiling.
White light washed down through the manhole.
Electric light.
Man-made light.
Take shots. And admit Matthew Reilly to the school of stating the complete fucking obvious.
"-and it's about to get a lot worse. 'Cause we just caught up with the Europeans."
Is West now outright stating the script notes verbatim?
There is a diagram here too, so take another shot.
Next time, we shall begin the arduous process of watching these two sides race, which is like watching two horny teenagers with oven gloves taped to their hands try and give each other handjobs/fingerings.
For now, here is my tribute to the bravest character in the novel, who tried to leave this silliness by dying early on, so as to not have to deal with Reilly.
Farewell, Pooh Bear, you magnificent bastard.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 10

The sooner I get you through these opening chapters (of this atrociously long opening "action sequence"), then the sooner I can start trimming down this blog by breezing through multiple chapters at once and highlighting the particularly stupid parts. We learned last chapter that our kidnappers are not alone. I wonder who, of the very few people we have met so far, their enemy shall be?
The ascending slipway featured several traps: blasting waterfall-shafts and some ankle-breaking trap-holes.
But the Eight just kept running, avoiding the traps, until halfway up the inclined tunnel they came to the Second Gate.
More riveting drama there. That was an anti-climax.

The Second Gate was simple: a ten foot deep diorite pit that just fell away in front of them, with the ascending slipway continuing beyond it five yards away.
The lower reaches of the pit, however, had no side walls: it just had two yawning, 8-foot-wide passageways that hit the pit at right angles to the slipway. And who knew what came out of them...
You do. And Wizard, the psychic professor carrying the book of plot, presumably.
Gay porn count: 14.
"Diorite pit." West said. "Nothing cuts diorite except an even harder stone called diolite. Can't use a pick-axe to get yourself out."
1. That's false. Diorite is a real rock and it is harder than "edgy" 13 year old boys binge-watching the music videos of Evanescence and Paramore. It is in fact one used on the steps of St Paul's Cathedral. HOWEVER: it is something which was cut with jewelled points and bronze tools by the ancient Egyptians, who used it in many of their early building projects. It was also used by the Incans and Mayans, often to make weapons.
2. WHAT THE FUCK IS DIOLITE?! I've searched for references to it and cannot find any trace of its existence anywhere. It is, to the best of my knowledge, a substance which he has made up for this book to make his traps seem more deadly, when they are already kind of annoying and dangerous for most adventurers, especially when you see what they are actually capable of.
3. What if the adventurers have diolite picks, West? Didn't think of that, did you? You twat.
4. All this mention of diolite makes this image compulsory:

DIOLITE! DIOLITE!

"Be careful" Wizard said. "The Callimachus Texts says this Gate is connected to the next one. By crossing this one, we to trigger the Third Gate's trap-mechanism. We're going to have to move fast."
"That's okay," West said "We're really quite good at that."
SHOW.
DON'T.
TELL.
They ended up crossing the pit by drilling steel rock-screws into the ceiling with pneumatic pressure guns. Each rock-screw had a handgrip on it.
Why are you rushing through this, Matthew? Please can you also tell me who is carrying these pneumatic pressure guns, because I'm calling bullshit if you tell me that it's Fuzzy. Those things are quite unwieldy if you want one which is good at placing steel rock-screws with handgrips.
But as West landed on the ledge on the other side of the pit, he discovered that the first step on that side was one large trigger stone. As soon as he touched it, the wide step immediately sunk a few inches into the floor-
Serves you right for bypassing the traps. Twat.
It may sound a bit daft, me calling him out on going around the traps, but remember that fact.
- and boom! Suddenly the ground shook and everyone spun. Something large had dropped into the darkened tunnel up ahead of them. Then an ominous rumbling sound came from somewhere up there.
I will offer a prize to whoever guesses what this thing up ahead shall be, based upon these three options:

1. An angry Indiana Jones reference

2. The sweet, sweet, beats of dance group Hadouken! Or, more specifically, the ominous intro percussion of the track "Rebirth", the opening track to their second album "For the Masses."

3. An angry mullet belonging to Pat Sharp

Answers on a postcard please, sent to wherever you think that I live. Your prize will be whatever I can find in my house.
Now, back to our hardcore action adventure.
"Shit! The next Gate!" West called
"Swear jar..." Lily said.
"Later," West said. "Now we run! Big Ears, grab her and follow me!"
Stop.
Lily's first lines are the most obnoxious ones in the entire novel and something of a running gag, which Matthew Reilly goes to great pains to point out that this is a recurring thing and to make it all "oh so cute" in a way which makes you want to get stabbed in the eyeballs with a forklift truck being driven at unsafe speeds by a drunk, angry man named Barry whose wife left him hours before.
Every time the words "Swear Jar" pop up, I am going to to a paragraph break, no matter where we are, and show you a picture of a good writer, a better human being, somebody who writes more interesting things than this, in the hope that we will at least remain educated after having to put up with this shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit dialogue. It'll be a writer who causes no harm and does only good in the world. It'll be my favourite writer, too.
William Gibson.

Bask in his glow.

The author of "Neuromancer" is a calming presence.
EVERY time, without exception,  there are the words "Swear Jar", I will post a picture of William Gibson: If only to remind me that there are good authors in the world.

The Third Gate

Up the steep slipway they ran, keeping to the stairs inside the rails. The ominous rumbling continued to echo out from the darkness above them. 
They kept running, straining up the slope, pausing only once to cross a five-foot-long spiked pit that blocked their way. But strangely, the stone railway tracks of the slipway still flanked this pit, so they all crossed it rather easily by taking a light dancing step on one of the side rails.

As he ran, West fired a flare into the darkness ahead of them-
-and thus revealing their menace.
Oooh! What a cliff hanger!
We're a page and a bit away from the "good stuff" kicking off. So, here's my guess as to what the "menace" is. See you next time.

Read along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 9

This is the last chapter before the two groups finally clash, in the loosest sense of the word, and also another trap-tacular adventure, which also introduces us to one of the most obnoxious parts of the novel. No prizes for guessing that it's something to do with the little girl. Finally, Wizard's inventions make their appearance yet again, and it's easily the stupidest one in the novel, and I am counting the metal arm in the battle for that title.

The Slipway and Second Gate

The tight vertical passage from the spike-hole rose for about 50 feet before opening onto a long tunnel that sloped upward at a steep angle, boring into the heart of the mountain.
There is a map/diagram here, so take a shot. That previous sentence was pretty homoerotic, so I am going to count that as number 12, and ease you back into this blog gently with a picture:

It is with great joy that I say this was one of the first things in Google.

West fired a new amber flare up into the tunnel.
It's tenuous, but I'll count that as number 13. A new amber flare? Where did the first one come from? It was glowsticks previously.
It was the ancient slipway.
Errm, great?
About the width of a car, the slipway was effectively a long straight stairway flanked by two flat stone trackways that abutted the walls of the tunnel. These trackways had once acted like primitive railway tracks: the ancient miners had slid giant containers filled with waste up and down them, aided by the hundreds of stone steps that lay in between them.
"Fuzz," West said, peering up at the tunnel "Distance?"
Now you can't even be bothered to call him Fuzzy? I'm disliking West more and more as this story goes along.
Fuzzy aimed a PAC-40 laser rangefinder up into the darkness.
As he did so, West keyed his radio, "Noddy, report."
More technology porn! Where is Fuzzy carrying all of this? We know he's hacking into the enemy transmissions, which takes some serious gear, and he is carrying a gun and a laser rangefinder (Note, I couldn't find any such thing as a PAC-40 rangefinder, but I did find a PAK-40 howitzer, which is obviously not the same thing) which is no small piece of gear, and he presumably is carrying all sorts of other technical things (including some gadgets and the like we see later), as their "Tech Guy", so is he just their pack mule?

"The Americans aren't here yet, Huntsman," Noddy's voice replied, "but they're closing fast. Satellite image puts their advance choppers 50 klicks out. Hurry."
I'm glad Noddy's voice can reply. I was wondering if he was a deaf mute. I have a question:
Why do you have a satellite pointed here?
Actually, make that two questions:
Why do you have a satellite pointed here? And who owns it? This team of underdogs are sounding more and more powerful by the second?
It was nice to have Noddy be given lines, no matter how many questions they raise.
"Doing the best we can," West said.
Are you, though?
Wizard interrupted: "Don't forget to tell Noddy that we'll be out of radio contact for the time the Warblers are initiated."
"You hear that?"
"I heard. Noddy, out."
To Noddy Out sounds like the world's weirdest dance move.
Fuzzy's rangefinder beeped. "I got empty space for... 150 metres."
West grimaced. "Why do I get the feeling it isn't empty at all?"
Because it's not.
There, done. Can we go home now? West is now cleverer than the book, and becoming self aware. This is not as good as it sounds.
He was right.

Brilliance. Sheer, unadulterated brilliance.
There was a paragraph break there, and that line was on the next page for good measure. You could end the book there. In fact, we shall, let's leave, go on.
Go.
I'm serious.
There are lots of great things to see in this life, and you've now read the entirety of "Seven Ancient Wonders", which is not one of them.
Go forth and read a good book.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 8

The ceiling started lowering!
Well, who didn't see that coming?
The entire ceiling of the chamber -a single great block of stone- began rumbling downwards, descending towards the flat green pool.
The entire ceiling, as opposed to a part of it. And thank you, Matthew, we know what a ceiling is.
The intention was clear: in about 20 seconds it would reach the waterline and block access to the three low rectangular holes at the far end of the room.
Again, thanks for that Matthew.
Which left only one option: leap across the concealed stepping-stones and get to the correct rectangular hole before the lowering ceiling hit the waterline.
Oh. Is that the only option? I was hoping for this one

"Everyone! Move! Follow me step for step!" West called
And so, with the ceiling lowering loudly above him, he danced across the chamber with big all-or-nothing jumps, kicking up splashes with every landing. If he misjudged even one stepping-stone, he'd land in the water and it'd be game over.
More riveting action from Reilly, if only because I'm enjoying the idea of this becoming a musical. Seven Ancient Wonders for Seven Brothers, perhaps. Only, the barn-raising is a quest against time, with helicopters inbound.
His path was dictated by a grid reference Wizard had given him: 1-3-4-1-3, on a five-by-five grid. It looked like this:
There is a diagram here. Take a shot. Though, how Wizard concocted a diagram that quickly is something of a mystery.
West came out of the far wall of the chamber, while his team crossed it behind him. The wide ceiling of the water chamber kept lowering above them all. He eyed the three rectangular holes cut into the end-wall. He'd seen these kinds of holes before: they were spike holes.
I'm trying to work out how high the ceiling is currently. Is he currently crouched? We don't really have much of a frame of reference in regards to the speed at which it is descending, so there's not really much tension to be had here. I hope at least one of the gang loses a hand to the spike holes, as these traps aren't really that threatening if the team just bypass every single one with the aid of Wizard: Trap Master General and his book of plot.

I couldn't resist.

But only one hole was safe,
Gay porn count: 8
it led to the next level of the labyrinth. The other two would be fitted with sharp spikes that lanced down from the rectangular sides of the holes as soon as someone entered them.
Porn count: 9. Come on, Matt, this is too easy. The next level of the labyrinth? This is hardly a labyrinth. It's a rectangular room (as you have been ever so insistent on pointing out) with a few traps within it.
Each of the spike holes before him had a symbol carved above it:
There are three diagrams here, complete with actual diagrams of rectangular holes too. Just when  I thought that he couldn't get more patronising.
Pick the right hole. While the ceiling lowered behind him, about to push his team into the water.
Porn count: 10.
"No pressure, Jack," he said to himself. "Okay, key of life, key of life..."
Take a shot.
He saw the symbol above the left hand hole.
There's a diagram here, though it is literally exactly the same symbol above it, so what's going on here?
Close, but no. It was the hieroglyph for magic. Imhotep V was trying to confuse the flustered, panicking explorer who found himself in this pressure-filled situation and didn't look closely enough.
The more I read about this guy, the more I like him. Take a shot.
"How's it coming Jack?" Big Ears and the girl appeared beside him, joining him on the last stepping stone.
He's giving Titus Pullo more lines than a lot of the others at this point. I know that there are 9 on the team, but he's written off two of them as not being there, so he can use this opportunity to "introduce" one of the other team members. Perhaps one of the interesting ones. Saying that, however, this sort of idiotic, inane, stupid line is hardly going to help in this sort of situation, so maybe it is fitting that Titus Pullo says it. One more thing: It says that they're joining him on the last stepping stone, so are the others on the other stepping stones? I thought he was carrying the girl, as well? There's no way she'd make those jumps, certainly not with any speed. Though, it would be funny watching her fall into the water and die incredibly early on, just to shake things up a bit.
The ceiling was low now, past halfway and still descending. There was no going back now. He had to pick the right hole.
Well, duh! You're just going to turn around and crack under the pressure? Also, take a shot. How quickly is this ceiling going?
"West..." someone urged from behind him.
"I need to pee."
It'd be nice to know who that "someone" is.
Keeping his cool, West saw the symbol above the centre hole...
Take a shot, there's a repeated diagram.
... and recognised it as the hieroglyph for ankh, or long life, otherwise known to the ancient Egyptians as the "key of life".
Credit where credit is due, he's actually correctly researched that one.

I have nothing. So here's a picture of Skeletor.

"It's this one!" He called.
Well fucking push it then! You're the one in a position to do so! Are you a needy child in need of encouragement and instruction, and praise every time that you do something?
But there was only one way to prove it.
Prove it?! You don't have to prove anything! You're trying to not die! You pillock.
He pulled his falcon from his pouch and handed it to the little girl.
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm...

We're at 11 now. And that is all I shall say on the matter.

"Hey kiddo, take care of Horus for me, in case I'm wrong."
And then Horus mauled her fucking face.
Then he turned and crouch-dived forward, rolling into the centre hole, shutting his eyes momentarily, waiting for a half-dozen rusty spikes to spring down from its upper side and punch through his body -
-nothing happened.
Such tension!
He'd picked the right hole.
Well of course he had. Otherwise this would just be Mr West experiencing shoddy workmanship and ancient traps which don't work anymore, a far more likely outcome of stepping through the "wrong" hole. Also, take a shot.
Indeed, a tight cylindrical passage opened up in the darkness beyond this hole, bending vertically upward.
DAMN IT MATTHEW! You're doing this on purpose now!
"It's this one!" He called back as he started ferrying his team into it, pulling them through. 
Big Ears and Lily went first, then Wizard-
The ceiling was four feet off the water's surface.
Fuzzy and Zoe clambered up next.
The final two troopers in West's team rolled into the hole and last of all went West himself, disappearing into the rectangular hole just as the lowering stone ceiling rumbled past him and hit the surface with a resounding boom.
Those "final two troopers" are actually the ones most important to the fucking plot. They get the most character and the closest thing to an arc or any kind of depth and personality between them. They have also been named already (Stretch and Pooh Bear), and it seems odd that he's dismissing them so early, despite the aforementioned big deal that they become later.
Also, I'd take a shot for "it's this one", but that line was such a stupid declaration of the obvious that I'll ignore it for now.
Now, slide back from the edge of your seat, and dive into the next chapter with me...