A Poem for Thee, Matthew Reilly

West and The Wizard

When determining which soldier is the best,
They settled on an Aussie named Jack West.
With a big metal arm
And absolutely no charm,
And he looked like a bear wearing a vest.

He was followed by an old man named Epper,
Who avoided black men like a leper.
He had a big beard,
And was really weird,
Like people who still drink Dr. Pepper.

There was also a giant named Big Ears.
Whose code name brought people to tears.
He was incredibly thick,
'cause Reilly made him a Mick,
Making him a mockery amongst his literary peers.

He carried a young girl named Lily.
Whose inclusion in all this was rather silly.
She was a pain in the arse,
And made this adventure a farce.
She was there to drop stupid lines willy-nilly.

Princess Zoe was the one she adored.
As the token girl in this unshaven horde.
But Reilly lacks writing skill
And in this literary swill
Her character remains unexplored.

Pooh Bear was the son of a Sheikh,
An interesting character this fact could make.
But he's just mere cliches
For Arabian ways.
And makes Reilly come across as a flake.

Stretch was Pooh Bear's best friend.
Upon which he could always depend.
Except when he's not
Which is an awful lot,
Because Stretch is a massive bell-end.

Noddy was left guarding the door
After changing his name from Matador
Because to Reilly it seems
That for Spaniards on teams
Having other nicknames is a bore

Fuzzy was the name of the black guy
Who we all know is going to die
And Wizard hates him
For the colour of his skin
So of all the characters we ask: Why?

They soon start to send us round the bend
Facing the traps with which they must contend.
Yet with a simple look
In Epper's magic book
That drama is brought to an end.