Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 6

On the advice of one of this blog's few readers, I have decided henceforth to pronounce "CIEF" as "Keith", which is more amusing to me, especially with the dialogue and writing we have in the future.
With what I hope was a moment of quiet, contemplative reflection on the fragility of human resistance in that interlude, I hope we can ease ourselves back into the riveting race to unrivalled riches.

The Entry Shaft
Or gay porn.
West sizzled down the drop-rope, shooting past three steeply slanted cross-shafts that intersected with the main shaft.
Porn Count: 4
His falcon sat snugly in a pouch on his chest, while on his head he wore a weathered and worn fireman's helmet, bearing the badge "FDNY 17".
Matthew, was there really much need for you to make a big deal out of a fireman's helmet? Unless, of course, Horus is wearing the helmet, which it can seem like if that sentence is read correctly. Also, "his falcon" has a name.

His name is Captain. This also is, presumably, what Matthew West thinks Jack West looks like when doing Jack West things.

The battered helmet was fitted with a wraparound protective eye visor and, on the left hand side, a powerful pen sized flashlight.
He has seen it fit to describe the helmet, more than the 9 principal players of our story.

The rest of the team wore similar helmets, variously modified with flashlights, visors and cameras.
West eyed the cross-shafts as he slid down the rope. He knew what perils lay within them.
Porn count: 5.
"Everyone. Stay sharp. Do not, I repeat, do not make any contact with the walls of this shaft."
Oh! Some tension! Will they die? Will Fuzzy make it! I hope that Pooh Bear and Stretch make it, and that Big Ears makes it out in time to declare his love for Noddy! Those two belong together, ever since they found themselves trapped in a cavern in the dark after a cave in, and they kept themselves warm by holding each other close, discovering long dormant feelings about the other which awakened at that very moment, responding to the tough, strong, yet gently touch of the other, until they could not find where one began and the other ended...
So! How does this play out?

He didn't and they didn't.
Well that solves that then.

Safely, he came to the bottom of the rope.

The Atrium
West emerged from the ceiling at one end of a long stone-walled room, hanging on his rope.
He did not lower himself to the floor, he just kept himself hanging 8 feet above it.
So far so good.
By the eerie yellow light of his glowstick, he beheld a rectangular room about 30 metres long. The room's floor was covered by a shallow layer of swampwater, water that was absolutely crawling with Nile crocodiles-not an inch of the floorspace was crocodile-free.
Did he mention that there were crocodiles?
You could say that there were a... lotodiles!
Take some shots. And punch me for that pun.
And directly beneath West, protruding out of the water, were the waterlogged, half-eaten bodies of two twentysomething Sudanese men. The bodies lolled lifelessly as three big crocs took great crunching  bites out of them.
Called it, black guys died first. Fuzzy must be shitting himself now.
"Big Ears," West said into his throat microphone "there's a sight down here that's not PG-13. Tell Lily not to look down when you two reach the bottom of the rope."
At least he's confirming the age rating of the movie. But self-awareness will not save you now, Matthew.
"Roger to that boss" came an Irish accented reply over his earpiece.
West fired a luminescent amber flare down the length of the atrium.
It was as if the chamber came alive.
Deeply cut lines of hieroglyphs covered the walls, thousands of them.
At the far end of the chamber, West saw his goal: a squat, trapezoidal doorway, raised several feet off the watery floor. The eerie yellow glow of the flare also revealed one other important feature of the atrium -its ceiling.
Thanks for letting us know that, Matt. We're about to be introduced to one of the few creative things in this book, which makes it stand above the usual crowd of villains and "dramas" of his other works (like the Scarecrow novels). That is the trap system he's invented for each of the wonders. They basically act as things to brutally murder the 400 or so men following them, as well as show us how "clever" his team is, in that they read up on them before hand or work out the exact dimensions and functions of the traps merely by looking at them.
Embedded in the ceiling was a line of handrungs, leading to the far raised doorway. Each rung, however, was lodged into a dark square hole that disappeared up into the ceiling itself.
"Wizard," West said "I've got handrungs."
Fucking beautiful. Is this some form of advertising campaign in the same vein as "Got Milk?" Because if it is, I have to say that it's working. I've a craving for some handrungs now. But seriously, could he not have used any other line which would not have sounded half as stupid? For example:
"Wizard, how does this work?"
"Wizard, is there a trap here?"
"Wizard, should we be careful with this one?"
"Wizard, will you please stop pissing on the corpses of the black people?"
"According to the inscription in Imhotep's tomb, we have to avoid the third and eighth rungs," Wizard's voice said "Drop cages above them, the rest are okay."
I'm happy to know that it's Wizard's voice and not some other dick-spanner trying to have any lines in this piece.
"Gotcha"
The Eight traversed the atrium quickly, swinging hand over hand down the length of the chamber, avoiding the two suspect hand rungs, their feet dangling just a few feet above the crocs.
It's good that Wizard's not being a dick at this point, because their lives are almost literally in his hands. He could say practically anything and they'd believe him.
"Yeah, the rungs are all traps, so you'll just have to jump it."
Also, I guess we should start calling this place an... Eightrium!

The little girl -Lily-
Thanks for reminding us Matt. We know she's the little girl. She was mentioned a few sentences ago. Take a shot.
moved in the middle of the group, clinging to the biggest trooper of The Nine, her hands clasped around his neck, while he swung from rung to rung.
It's just occurred to me: Wizard's actually still with them at this point, so why make this big deal about the throat microphones when the man could just stand behind Jack and tell him what needs to be done, rather than faffing about with technology and the like?
Oh, wait, that would mean Reilly wouldn't get a chance to tell us that they have mircophones beneath their fireman's helmets.

The Low Tunnel
A long low tunnel led away from the Atrium, heading into the mountain.
West and his team ran down it, all bent forward.
Porn count: 6. Yeah, it's tenuous, but don't take this away from me. Also, I know at least one of them's going to be bent forward, as he's carrying a kid on his back.
Horus had been set free and she flew out in front of West, gliding down the passageway.
Be free Horus, you magnificent bastard! Be free of this book!
Lily ran fully upright.
Oh, so he's put the kid down now. I wish he'd kicked her to the crocodiles, for reasons we are about to see. Where is she in relation to the others? If she's at the back, then that's dangerous as she will fall behind. If she's in the middle, that will be safer but will slow the group, as she'll be at a slower pace to the "professional" soldiers. Matthew gives some UTTER bullshit Mary Sue backstory to her later about how fit she is and how she's perfect at everything and "adorable" in every way, but FUCK. THAT. There is no way she'll going to be keeping pace with these guys. Not even Pooh Bear. Oh, yeah, you've not met Pooh Bear properly yet. Don't worry, nobody has.
Water dipped from the low stone ceiling, but it hit their fireman's helmets and rolled off their curved backs, away from their eyes.
An important detail, I'm sure you'll agree. I can't complain though, at least he's giving us details.
The tunnel was perfectly square -1.3 metres wide, 1.3 metres high. Curiously, these were the exact same dimensions as the passageway inside the Great Pyramid at Giza.
Like the entry shaft earlier, this horizontal tunnel was intersected with three cross-shafts: only these were vertical and they spanned the entire width of the tunnel, cutting across it via matching holes in the ceiling and floor.
Seeing as how this was designed by a Pyramid maker and they each had a certain "trademark", it's not really that curious. And this room sounds awfully weird and awfully durable, considering the design.
At one point, Lily's guardian, the large trooper named Big Ears
Gunman, his name is Gunman. Don't call him that retarded fucking name.

I have also decided that he is Titus Pullo. Not Ray Stevenson, but Titus Pullo. Not a man acting like Titus Pullo, but Titus Pullo. Tius Pullo.

mis-stepped -landing on a trigger stone just before he leapt across one of the cross shafts. 
He knew his mistake immediately and stopped abruptly at the edge of the shaft-
No.
Matthew, you can't do this. You proclaim to be about the pace and action, but you nonchalantly chuck in that line about Big Ears, I mean Titus Pullo, setting off one of the traps which you centre your action set pieces around. There's no drama or gravitas behind this action, it's just a thing which happens as often as Titus Pullo wiping his nose. For fuck's sake, this is fucking awful.
- just as a gushing waterfall of swampwater came blasting out of the upper hole, forming a massive curtain of water in front of him, before disappearing into the matching hole in the floor.
So he avoids the trap. Well, at least I should be thankful you're not killing off our characters before we get to know them. We at least now know that Titus Pullo is a pillock in this universe.
Had he jumped, the rush of water would have taken him and Lily down into the depths of the lower hole.
Good.
Wait, Lily's on his back again now?
Also, we know what that trap would have done, Matthew, thank you.
"Careful, brother dearest," the team member in front of him said after the water had passed. She was the only woman in the group, and a member of the crack Irish commando unit, the Sicathen Fhianoglach an Airm. Old call sign: Bloody Mary. New one: Princess Zoe. Her brother, Big Ears, was also a member of the SFA.
Take shots for the codenames.
Only now are we learning that they're siblings? It's nice of you to tell us, don't get me wrong, but you can't keep doing it like this. It may be inconvenient to have a long paragraph of description for all of them, but this is only marginally better. Believe it or not, Matthew, if you throw us into the action like this, I don't give a fuck which of them makes it.
She reached out and caught his hand and with her help he leapt over the cross-shaft and, with Lily between them, they took off after the others.
That sentence was fucking terrible.
There are two diagrams on the next page. Drink.
I'm not even fucking going there. See you next chapter.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 5

My apologies for the delay, life gets in the way of Matthew Reilly sometimes.
When we last left our intrepid adventurers, Jack West Jr and his team of foreign psychopaths were about to jump into the hole. Let's see if Matthew Reilly can drag this out and add something stupid.
Just then, with a squawk, a small brown peregrine falcon swooped in from above the treeline and landed on West's shoulder-
I take it back. He has repaid our patience by bringing us our best character. Seriously, this bird is the best due to not having to speak any of his dialogue and by virtue of being actually worthy of a stupid codename.

And also judges me for reading this.

the high flying bird from before.

Thank you Matt. I was getting worried that we had two different birds swooping above the treetops. Not that anything can replace our beloved falcon...

It eyed the area around West imperiously, protectively. Its name, Horus.
Well, Matthew has at least expanded his vocabulary with the word "imperiously". But take a shot for that final sentence.
West didn't even notice the bird. He just stared down into the dark brown hole in the mud, lost in thought.
He didn't notice the bird? I know at Matthew is trying to make him seem "cool" and "driven", but would you really have, as leader of your expedition to save the world, a man who cannot notice a peregrine falcon swooping around his fat Australian head? I doubt that this man would notice a pirate crack orgy happening right under his nose.

This is literally the first picture which came up on Google image search for "Pirate crack orgy"

He brushed back some mud from the edge, revealing a hieroglyph cut into the rim:
"We meet again" he said softly to the carving.
Scratch that.
He's a madman who talks to carvings even when death birds are circling his head. You wouldn't follow Ted Bundy into the Eden Project, so why would you follow this man into temples in the Sudan?
He turned "Glowstick"

Scalpel. Tweezers. Glowstick.

He was handed a glowstick which he cracked and tossed into the hole.

It fell for 20 feet, illuminating a pipe-like shaft on its way down, before -splonk!- it landed in the water and revealed-

Splonk. He got money for writing that.

Lots of crocodiles. Nile crocodiles.

Two shots.

Snapping, snarling and grunting. Sliding over each other.

Why does everything he write sound like porn? Can we skip this stupid adventure and have 8 pages of the croc-orgy? Which, presumably, Jack West Jr will never notice without the aid of his glowsticks.

This was both the first and safest picture for "crocodile porn" on Google. Don't Google it. Please.

"More of Sobek's minions" West said "Nice. Very nice."

We get it Matt, he's Australian.

Just then the team's radioman, a tall Jamaican with bleached dreadlocks, a heavily pockmarked face and tree-trunk sized arms, touched his earpiece in alarm.

Stop.

For fuck's sake. The token black character is literally a gigantic black man, complete with dreadlocks. For fuck's sake Matthew.

This. Basically this.

His real name was V.J Weatherly, his original call sign Witch Doctor, but everyone here just called him Fuzzy.

So, wait, you're saying that he's not called "Fuzzy" because of the little girl (contradicting a statement you made only a few pages ago), but because the team cannot be bothered to pronounce his real name, which consists of initials anyway? I'm betting Wizard has something to do with this. And that Jack West Jr hasn't even noticed that the man's black. He will once he pops another glowstick.

"Huntsman" he said "the Europeans have just breached the Third Gate. They're inside the Grand Cavern. Now they're bringing in some crane to overshoot the lower levels"

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!

"Shit..."

"It gets worse. The Americans just crossed the border. They're coming in fast behind us. Big force: 400 men, choppers, armour, with carrier-launched fighter support on the way. And the ground force is being led by the CIEF."

On a serious note: The chief problem with Matthew's dialogue is that he not only does not know how human beings talk, but that he cannot differentiate between them. That dialogue can not only have been said by any other character in the party, but also could have not been dialogue and would actually have made more sense as a line he'd written himself.

That really got West's attention.

Oh, so initials wake this man from his glowstick induced stupour? Of course!
The CIEF -the Commander-in-Chief's In Extremis Force, pronounced "seef"- was America's very best special operations unit, a unit that answered only to the President and possessed the real life equivalent of a license to kill. As West knew from hard experience, he didn't want to be around when the CIEF arrived.
He stood up. "Who's in charge?"
Fuzzy said ominously, "Judah."
I've had a look, and can find no such thing as "CIEF". There are mentions of a "CIF" which is functionally the same thing and, from what little there is to go on, is more of an ad-hoc group of men and women from different fields and special forces backgrounds. Though information on them is sparse, I'll let it slide, as it technically, kind of, sort of exists.
The real humour comes from the writing here. He's really piling on the "tension" and "drama" here. Though it's another case of telling rather than showing us, he's tried giving us more of a glimpse into Jack West Jr. I think he also picked the name "Judah" because it sounded evil (Like Marshall, Victor or Colin) without realising that it would sound ridiculous when said by Fuzzy and without also realising that the most famous "Judah" in the world (and thus the one most likely to be conjured up by the mention of the name) is this guy:

Judah Friedlander. Frank from "30 Rock" to most. I had to look that up.

Which, I hope you don't mind me saying, is not the sort of thing which fills me with dread. Unless I have to watch every single episode of "30 Rock".
Secondly, his "past experience" with the CIEF is never actually shown, stated or even hinted at. He knows two of the guys in it, that's it. He never even served with them. Unless Matthew's hinting at previous encounters one the quest (which we never see, despite the many flashbacks in the novel), then we have actually learned less about our "hero" than we knew already, and are leaving with more questions. And all of my questions involve pirate crack orgies and crocodile porn.
"I didn't think he'd come himself. Damn. Now we'd really better hurry."
The writers of "Armageddon" want their dialogue back.
West turned to his team.
"All right. Noddy -you've got sentry duty. Everybody else..."
Take four shots.
He pulled an odd looking helmet from his belt, put it on.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to porn again.
"... it's time to rock and roll."
That's the line you're going with? Alright. You're the boss. I just thought that since we're saving the world and not building a shed, you'd want to use a more appropriate line.

And so into the subterranean dark they went.
Fast.
A steel tripod was erected above the pipe-like shaft and, led by West, one after the other, eight of the Nine abseiled down it on a rope strung from the tripod.
That's a lot of gay innuendo. Instead of making gay jokes, from this point onwards I'm going to keep a tally of gay jokes I could have made. It's far, far easier this way. Take a shot for the "Fast" sentence. Also, it's nice to see that Matthew can do maths.
One lone man, a dark-haired Spanish commando -once known as Matador, now Noddy- remained up top to guard the entrance.

Finally! The men we have been following for this long have taken the plunge and dived down the pipe, sweaty and greasy from all of this hardcore action we've been having. They leave one man at the end to make sure nobody else tries to cram anything in, and to keep an eye out for other men. They've even brought special equipment to make the hole-
I'll stop.
There will be a short interlude before the next chapter, for reasons which I hope will become clear. Join us next time for some sweet, sweet architectural action!

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 4

Okay, here's how it is going to go down:
This is the longest chapter yet, being longer than two pages (I know! Reilly's really starting to up his game! Next we'll have character development and realism! Don't be silly...) and thus this post will be a long one, so I apologise in advance for the delay. Secondly, I will be having an interlude between this and the next chapter, because... well, it's just that stupid. We really kick into the high gear with this one, it becomes plain-Reilly sailing from here on out. It becomes Dan Brown turned up to eleven, after our chapters of "introduction" to ease us in before it got too intense.

The northern entrance to the mine had been the main entrance.

Originally, it had been level with the waterline of the swamp, and through its doors a wide canal bored horizontally into the mountain. Barge loads of gold and diorite would be brought into the mine through this canal.

Matthew Reilly! Author of riveting barge adventures!

But then Imhotep V had come and reconfigured it.

Damn you Imhotep! Taking our excellent barge-based infrastructure and ruining it for the rest of us! He shall rue the day he ruined this mine...

Using a temporary dam not unlike the one the European force was using today,

I see Imhotep had German engineers and a boat city as well...

his men had held back the levels of the swamp while his engineers had lowered the level of the doorway, dropping it 40 feet.

Take a shot.

The original door was bricked in and covered over with soil.

Do we need to know this? Spoiler: No.

Imhotep had then disassembled the dam and allowed the swampwaters to flood back over the new doorway, concealing it for over 2,000 years. 

Until today.

But there was a second entrance to the mine, a lesser-known one, on the south side of the mountain. It was a back door, the endpoint of a slipway that had been used to dispose of waste during the original digging of the mine. It too had been reconfigured.

It was this entrance that the Nine were seeking.

Well no fucking shit. A lesser known one? How'd they find out about it? Do they have diagrams? Do they have Imhotep's head kept in cryogenic storage? Do they have an all powerful intuition? Did an alien tell them? This being a Matthew Reilly novel (where their opponents have boat cities and future tech), any or all of these options are equally possible.

Guided by the tall, white-bearded Wizard -who held in one hand a very ancient papyrus scroll, and in the other a very modern sonic resonance imager- 

Stop.

Right, we now know that Wizard is tall. Finally, a fact on our character, though it was unfortunately one we could have guessed as well as a fact on a character we already had some idea of. But that is not why I have stopped it here. Not even because this team of military bad-asses who are supposedly competent and trying to save the world are putting their elderly civilian up ahead, where he'll be the first to wander into the "deadly traps" and 200 armed European soldiers which Matthew Reilly has gone at great pains to grant a sense of foreboding to, both of which will turn Wizard into strawberry jam.

No, I've stopped us here because of a sonic resonance imager.
This is the image of a "sonic resonance imager" I found on Google. Check out the size:

"I can't do that, Max..."

A "very modern" sonic resonance imager, as opposed to an archaic one I suppose. Do you even know what that is? I've looked into it, on Google yet again, with my basic understanding of the concept and the science behind it. More importantly, do you know how fucking huge and expensive those machines are?! And this guy is wandering around with a handheld one which, as far as I am aware, does not exist yet? This international task force should forget the Colossus of Rhodes, this man has invented time travel!
But I won't go on about it, not yet at least.
For Wizard has invented something far, far, far, far stupider.
Two things in fact.
Both of which come up very, very soon.
Oh yeah, Wizard's an inventor. I should mention that.
they stopped abruptly on a mud-mound about 80 metres from the side of the mountain. It was shaded by four bending lotus trees.
Quick! Use your sonic resonance imaging machine to scan for plot! Also, as these are the only trees thus far described, I shall presume that they are the only trees in the area and thus this mound is hardly secret.
"Here!" the old fellow called, seeing something on the mound.
"Oh dear, the village boys did find it."
DIALOGUE! WHOOP WHOOP! It's only taken us four chapters to get dialogue, all of it from Gandalf here, and all of it absolutely meaningless. What village? Did they hire some villagers to go poking around this dangerous swampland for a death-temple surrounded by a small army? Because if so, these guys are dicks. Also, as we all know that those village boys are definitely dead and we've been told that this is the Sudan, we can officially say that the black guys have died first. Way to go, Matt. All you need now is to blow up Los Angeles and have a cop two days from retirement and we can officially make this the most 90s thing ever.
In the middle of the muddy dome, sunken into it, was a tiny square hole, barely wide enough for a man to fit into. Stinking brown mud lined its edges.
Take a shot for the frequent repetition of mud. Also, this is getting a little sexual.
You'd never see it if you weren't looking for it, but it just so happened that this hole was exactly what Professor Max T. Epper was looking for.
Really.
We're not going on until you have read that sentence seven times. If anything, it actually gets stupider each time. I didn't think that to be possible. That is the most babyish, basic, terrible sentence we have read thus far, and let's not forget that we have had "And indeed it was." In the previous chapter no less.
He read quickly from his papyrus scroll:

'In the Nubian swamp to the south of Soter's mine
Among Sobek's minions
Find the four symbols to the Lower Kingdom.
Therein lies the portal to the harder route.'

Epper looked up at his companions: "Four lotus trees: the lotus was the symbol of the lower kingdom. Sobek's minions are crocodiles, since Sobek was the Egyptian crocodile god. In a swamp to the south of Soter's mine, Soter being the other name for Ptolemy I. This is it."
A small wicker basket lay askew next to the muddy hole -the kind of basket used by rural Sudanese.
Wow.
That dialogue was a thing of beauty. How do we know Wizard is a smart man: He can translate riddles? I'm guessing, from this, that Max Epper is a professor of History due to how it is tangentially related to the plot. He is also probably the man who taught Matthew Reilly. Though I'd much prefer it if he was a professor of something completely unrelated to everything in the book, like Russian or New Romantic Poetry, and that he was just bluffing that he knows stuff about this.
Also, I've decided that he'd be played by Donald Sutherland, who always comes across as a lovely man. I mean, the options are him or Jim Carey.

He already looks like a professor anyway.

"Those stupid, stupid boys." Wizard kicked the basket away.
I also think that he might be racist.
On their way here, the Nine had passed through a small village. The villagers claimed that only a few days ago, lured by the Europeans' interest in the mountain, four of their young men had gone exploring in the swamp. One of them had returned to the village saying the other three had disappeared in a hole in the ground and not come out again.
Maybe it's not scary? Maybe there's just lots of chocolate down there.
Wait, that sounded a bit racist...
At this point, the leader of the Nine stepped forward, peered down into the hole.
The rest of the team waited for him to speak.
Not a lot was known about the leader of this group.
Or, indeed, anybody. The best one is still the bird, and there's been no sign of it for a while now, so I'm thinking that it has flown off. I miss that bird... Oh, right, Matthew's still doing a very important character introduction, let's see what it is.
Indeed, his past was veiled in mystery. What was known was this:
His name was West -Jack West Jr.
Take a shot. If you're on a do or die mission to save the world, I think I'd want to have a bit more information on my leader and direct superior than what his name is. Oh, we get a little information in a second, but not nearly enough to make him trustworthy. And I'm sorry, but there is no way that that is his real name. Jack West Jr. sounds like a self insert Mary-Sue character in an Indiana Jones slash-fiction.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the crux of the novel.
Call sign: Huntsman.
Take a shot. Technically two: one for the name and another for the sentence being less than five words. Also, I thought he was going to be the one who got given "Pooh Bear" as a call sign, just for giggles.
At 37, he had the rare distinction of being militarily and university trained -he had once been a member of the most elite special forces in the world, while at another time he had studied ancient history in Trinity College Dublin under Max Epper.
Right. I'm sure that Mr Reilly thinks that this is rare, but to get anywhere in the military (much like any profession) a degree is incredibly helpful. I know one can rise through the ranks, it's part and parcel for the job, but having the ability to think and adapt and having a great education under your belt are big bonuses for the unit. Also, spoiler warning, one of the team is the son of an Arabian Sheikh. Are you telling me that he didn't get some of the best schools in the world? They also mention later on that Princess Zoe knows loads of shit about history, and I'm pretty sure that one of the group is also a fucking genius. In fact, the only one ever described as thick is Big Ears. So it can't really be that rare in this group.
Indeed, in the 1990s, when the Pentagon had ranked the best soldiers in the world, only one soldier in the top ten had not been an American: Jack West. He'd come in at number 4.
I was really hoping he'd give a different name there, just so that all of this build up would have been for nothing. Who takes these scores? Is there a points system? Do they fill out an application form to be considered? Is there an "X-Factor" style show, something like "World's Best Soldier"? I'm hoping it works on a "Highlander" system, where you have to murder your way up the list. Because that would be awesome.

Oh Connor. You'll always be my Jack West Jr.

And there's no reason for the picture. I just wanted an excuse for some Highlander.
Oh, and spoiler alert, the best is probably "Scarecrow", from the Shane Schofield novels, but they are a whole different kettle of ineptitude.
But then, around 1995, West disappeared off the international radar. Just like that.
Take a shot.
He was not seen at international exercises or on missions again -not even the Allied invasion of Iraq in 2003, despite his experience there during Desert Storm in '91. It was assumed he had quit the military, cashed in his points and retired. Nothing was ever seen or heard of him for 10 years...
... until now.
Take a shot. I have a question:
If Jack West Jr is 37 in 2006 (when the book is set), that would mean he was born in 1969. He went missing circa 1995, meaning that he was already the world's 4th greatest soldier at the tender age of 26. How is this possible, Mr Reilly? I mean, I know that this is fiction, and Jack West is our hero, and that the age of enlistment in Australia is 17 (meaning that he has had 9 years of training and experience), but even with the enormous margin of error in the Pentagon's testing, how is he the 4th best in the world at the age of 26? Did they have him bring in the ears of those he killed? Was there a battle royale?
Fuck it, I don't care.
Now he had re-emerged.
Take a shot. It's hyphenated. Drink.
Supremely fit,
I should hope so, the world's 4th best soldier shouldn't be letting himself binge on a diet of coca cola and chocolate muffins if he's hoping to save the world.
he had dark hair and laser-sharp brown eyes that seemed perpetually narrowed. Apparently, he had a winning smile, but that was something rarely seen.
Fuck it, he's Hugh Jackman now.

Damn. Look at that man.

Today, like the rest of his team, he wore a decidedly non-military uniform: a rugged caramel-coloured canvas jacket, tattered cargo pants and steel-soled Salomon hiking boots that bore the scars of many previous adventures.
This isn't a movie. The product placement isn't necessary.
Oh buggery.
I've realised that Wizard's inventions show up sooner than expected. Line up some shots.
His hands were gloved, but if you looked closely at the left cuff of his jacket, you might catch a glimpse of silver steel. Hidden under the sleeve, his entire left hand and forearm were artificial, mechanical.
Yes folks.
He's the Winter Soldier.
Oh, and don't you worry, it's explained. My god is it explained. Think of the stupidest reason for him having a metal arm that you possibly can. You're not even close.
How they came to be that way not many people knew; although one of those who did was Max Epper.
Will you stop saying his name? He's not Saxton Fucking Hale.
Expertly crafted in the art of war, classically trained in the lore of history and fiercely protective of the little girl in his care, one thing about Jack West Jr. was clear: if anyone could pull off this impossible mission, it was him.
Show, don't tell.
So to recap: The team of international "heroes" are lead by a murderous one-armed death-protege named Jack West Jr, who for all we know has just kidnapped a little girl and forced 3 Sudanese men to their deaths. He is accompanied on this venture by a confused elderly man they have kidnapped, who is armed with technology which he could only have obtained from the future.
Now, the chapter is not actually finished, but I think we'll take a break there, as there is a chapter break at the bottom of the page (despite the rest of it starting completely afresh on the next page) and there is enough silliness there to merit a new entry.
Besides, I need to sit down.

Read along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 3

So, where are our intrepid children's characters, little girl and bird going to? I do hope that Matthew Reilly describes the land, which we never see again, in order to give it more character than the actual main characters.
The mountain they were approaching was the last in a long spur of peaks that ended near the Sudanese-Ethiopian border. Down through these mountains, flowing out of Ethiopia and into the Sudan, pured into the Angareb River. Its waters paused briefly in this swamp before continuing on into the Sudan where they would ultimately join the Nile.
I just have this great image of the water walking, then stopping for a rest and to take in the view, before continuing its journey.
The chief resident of the swamp was Crocodylus niloticus, the notorious Nile crocodile.
What, only one? I reckon these 9 guys can take it.
Reaching sizes of up to 6 metres, the Nile crocodile is known for its great size, its brazen cunning and the ferocity of its attack.
Twenty quid says that no main character dies at the jaws of a crocodile.
It is the most man-eating crocodilian in the world, killing upwards of 300 people every year.

While the Nine were approaching the mountain from the south, their EU rivals had set up a base of operations on the northern side, a base that looked like a veritable floating city.
Command boats, mess boats, barracks-boats and gun boats, the fleet was connected by a small network of floating bridges and all were facing the focal point of their operation: the massive coffer dam that they had built against the northern flank of the mountain.
First of all, take 2 shots for repetition of the boats and the dam. Then marvel once again at the ingenuity of these German engineers. Now, unless the group plan to be here for the thing they are looking for as well as set up an international centre of study for this great temple where you believe the head of the Colossus of Rhodes now lies, why set up a floating city? That's an awful lot of effort. I mean, I'd like to see it as a sit-com where the world's great thinkers (played by John Goodman, Kat Dennings, Dominique Pinon and Jamie Pressly) must put up with each other's bad habits and the foibles of a floating city. Shenanigans ensue.
It was, one had to admit, an engineering masterpiece:
TOO FUCKING RIGHT!
a 100 metre-long, 40 foot-high curved retaining dam that held back the waters of the swamp to reveal a square stone doorway carved into the base of the mountain 40 feet below the waterline.
That's... what.
The artistry on the stone doorway was extraordinary.
No, don't go on about the artistry now that you've left that fact hanging over us like a bad smell!
Egyptian hieroglyphs covered every square inch of its frame -but taking pride of place of the lintel stone that surmounted the doorway was a glyph often found in pharonic tombs in Egypt:
Just going to forget about that doorway, then? Alright. Now, there's a picture (take a shot) here, which you don't need to worry about because he describes it anyway, but I'd like to draw attention to the fact that Matthew Reilly has used the word "surmounted" here, which is oddly eloquent for him.
Two figures, bound to a staff bearing the jackal-head of Anubis, the Egyptian god of the Underworld.
Hmm, he actually got Anubis correct. No complaints here. So we have figured out that he has the capacity to research something.
This was what the afterlife had in store for grave robbers -eternal bondage to Anubis. Not a nice way to spend eternity. The message was clear: Do not enter.
I don't know. There are worse ways. I could make an easy Matthew Reilly joke here, but I'll let you use your imagination, which will have been stunted by the book thus far.
The structure inside the mountain was an ancient mine delved during the time during Ptolemy I, around the year 300BC. During the great age of Egypt, the Sudan was known as "Nubia", a word derived from the Egyptian word for gold: nub.
Okay, I can't find that. I've looked, and "nebu" is apparently the Egyptian symbol for gold. And whilst it is nice for Matthew to once again pad out his book with sparse detail, he is still telling us absolutely nothing. It's a credit to his writing style that he can pepper his work with supposed detail, yet still leave us completely in the dark about what this place is. It's like a Government Minister. Oh, wait, this next sentence is important, it's on a separate line.
Nubia: the land of gold.
Thanks again, I'd never have gotten why they called it "Nubia."
And indeed it was.
Take a shot. If you're not giggling at that stupid sentence.
It was from Nubia that the Egyptians sourced the gold for their many temples and treasures. Records unearthed in Alexandria revealed that this mine had run out of gold 70 years after its founding, after which it had gained a second life as a quarry for the rare hardstone: diorite. Once it was exhausted of diorite -around the year 226 BC- Pharaoh Ptolemy III decided to use the quarry for a very special purpose. To this end, he dispatched his best architect -Imhotep V- and force of 2000 men.
They would work on the project in absolute secrecy for three years.
Matt, we don't need cliff hangers UPON cliff hangers. We've enough trouble with this haphazard approach as it stands, without you jumping back in time to add "tension" to the mystery of this temple (though, funnily enough, the book "Temple" is way, way, way worse for it, and we thankfully have no flashbacks for another 30 pages yet...)
So, three chapters in and what have we learned? Nine dudes we know absolutely nothing about, save that one is old, one is a woman and one is a little girl, are running through a swamp.
Three chapters.
I would say it gets better from here, but that would be a lie.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 2

There is another "24" style date, time, place and location in this chapter, but I'm ignoring it. Because we know where we are, and it'll be relevant only to Matthew Reilly, who'll forget about them instantly, so he may as well put "Die Antwoord" lyrics up there, for all the sense that they make.

The nine figures raced through the crocodile-infested swamp on foot, moving fast, staying low.
The odds were stacked against them.
Hmm. Crocodiles make things interesting. Also, nine figures is an awful lot to introduce at once.
Their rivals numbered in excess of 200 men.
Fucking Christ! 200 dudes? I demand backstories on all of them! They cannot all be generic minions there to get horribly murdered by the "heroes".
They had only nine.
You just told us that. Also, four word-sentence, so take a shot.
Their rivals had massive logistical and technical support: choppers, floodlights for night work
What else would you use them for? A disco? A midnight rave? To be fair, "Colossus of Rhodes" sounds like a fantastic DJ name...
and boats of every kind-gunboats, houseboats, communication boats, three giant dredging barges
For what?
for the digging-
Ah. Thanks for clearing that up
and that wasn't even mentioning the temporary dam they'd managed to build.
Wait, what? They've built a dam? How long were they here? When did they set up? Is it made of wood? Is it defended? How does one make a "temporary" dam? Are there a few dozen engineers and members of the logistics corps in these 200 men? If so, I wouldn't kill off so many of them, some of these guys sound like prodigies at the very least, and definitely people who simply enjoy their job. I wouldn't just kill them.
The Nine were only carrying what they'd need inside the mine.
I'm glad to hear that. Also, there's a mine here? And why have you capitalised "The Nine"? Are they German? How did they navigate this temporary dam without getting shot? Who thinks this is going to be explained?
And now -the Nine had just discovered- a third force was on its way to the mountain, close behind them, a much larger and nastier force than that of their immediate foes, who were nasty enough.
Show, don't tell. Also, how did they know this? Was it written on this enormous dam? I know he's doing some foreshadowing at some ungodly foe, but can they really be more evil than 200 dudes armed with boats and a logistics corps? This is an awful lot of stuff to chuck on us this early on.
By any reckoning it was a hopelessly lost cause, with enemies in front of them and enemies behind them-
Stuck in the middle with youuuuuu!
but the Nine kept running anyway.
Because they had to.
Take a shot.
They were a last-ditch effort.
Take a shot. Also, show, don't tell.
The last throw of the dice.
We get it, it's desperate. Also, repetition, take a shot.
They were the very last hope of the small group of nations they represented.
That's where the paragraph (and page) ends, on a cliff-hanger, so take a shot. Feeling the tension ratchet up yet? What are these nations? What's going on? I'm guessing the following:
Latvia, Togo, Fiji, Iberia, Wales, The Central African Republic, Bolivia, Madagascar and Lichtenstein, because that would be kind of amusing, and very unexpected.

Their immediate rivals -a coalition of European nations- had found the northern entrance to the mine two days ago and were now well advanced in its tunnel system.
Getting a little ahead of ourselves, aren't we?
A radio transmission that had been intercepted an hour before revealed-
Wait, NOW you tell us? You're content to chuck everything out in one go, but hastily add the fact that they presumably hacked into the radio signal of a 200-strong force, an hour ago apparently, a page later? Fuck you Matthew.
that this pan-European force-
You've told us this.
French troops, German engineers and an Italian project leader-
I KNEW it! And it's always the French...
had just arrived at the final entry trap on their side of the mine. Once they breached that, they would be inside the Grand Cavern itself.
They were progressing quickly.
Which meant that they were also well versed in the difficulties found inside the mine.
Fatal difficulties.
Traps.
Oh Christ. Take three shots: Two for the sentences there, and another for repetition. That is also how it's written. He's given separate lines for the fact that there are traps. Get used to that too, because that's how every major event in this book goes: Outnumbered team go to traps, running, with repeated sentences for urgency, because it's urgent, and they must go quickly, and keep going, fast, with urgency.
But the Europeans' progress hadn't been entirely without loss:
I'd hope not, sending 200 dudes face first into a mine without giving this team of genius engineers and your enormous Navy a chance to look at it first.
three members of their point team had died gruesome deaths in a snare on the first day.
Aww man, that sounds horribly interesting. I wish we could have seen it.
But the leader of the European expedition -a Vatican-based Jesuit priest named Francisco del Piero-
Okay, stop.
Let's examine that phrase, for a moment, because nearly every word of it is magical. Firstly, take a shot for the name "Francisco del Piero", which sounds like the protagonist to a lost Cervantes novel, then consider the fact that the Vatican are the villains here: Leading an army of people into a mine in Sudan, to murder 9 dudes, because Jesuits are still evil, apparently, and operating like a Vatican hit-squad of ninjas.
Dan Brown? Is that you?
had not let their deaths slow him down.
Why would he? He has 200 men and German engineering to help him bury them properly.
Single-minded, unstoppable and completely devoid of sympathy,
Oh I don't know, he's the only named character so far, and the Jesuit Order are actually pretty nice dudes.
del Piero urged his people onward. Considering what was at stake, their deaths were an acceptable loss.
Ooooooo! A mystery!

The Nine kept charging through the swamp on the south side of the mountain, heads bent into the rain, feet pounding through the mud.
Oh, it's raining. Of course it's raining... Everything's more dramatic when it's raining. And Jesuit priests look far more sinister in the rain.
They ran like soldiers -low and fast, with balance and purpose, ducking under branches, hurdling bogs, always staying in single file.
Here it comes. Also, spoiler, two of them are civilians, so that statement is an outright lie. Unless they're just running like that to blend in.
In their hands they held guns:
Beautiful, poetry for the ages.
MP-7s, M-16s, Steyr-AUGs. In their thigh holsters were pistols of every kind.
Take three shots and try not to imagine the massive boner that Matthew Reilly had when writing those words.
On their backs: packs of various sizes, all bristling with ropes, climbing gear and odd-looking steel struts. And above them, soaring gracefully over the treetops, was a small shape, a bird of some sort.
Not only has Matthew Reilly just introduced us to the most human and likeable character in the novel, but he has done so in a way which intends to evoke mystery and dread. What kind of bird is it? Is it a big bird? Is it one of their birds? Is it a wild bird? Who knows! Keep reading to find out!

Seven of the Nine were indeed soldiers.
Ah! Now you've picked up on it.
Crack troops.  Special forces. All from different countries.
Four shots. Three for the sentences of four words or less and one for the repetition. Technically he repeated two things (that they are Special forces and that they're all from different countries), so I suppose that's five shots. Well done! If you've been following the drinking game so far, you're now at the correct stage to write this book!
The remaining two members were civilians, the elder of whom was a long-bearded 65 year old professor named Maximilian T. Epper, call-sign: Wizard.
And it is here we come to one of the true joys of Matthew Reilly, after reading his dialogue: Watching him name a human being. Now, technically this one doesn't count, because Max T. Epper is a real person, who won an auction to be placed as a character in one of his books. You can, however, drink twice for "Wizard" and the fact that it is in italics and not feel bad.
Line up those shots.
The seven military members of the team had somewhat fierce nicknames:
We'll be the judge of that.
Huntsman, Witch Doctor, Archer, Bloody Mary, Saladin, Matador and Gunman.
Gunman. Really? That's got to be the laziest army codename ever. Are his buddies back home called "Uniform" and "Soldier"? It's like calling your dog "Thing that Woofs", or your house "Building". You can probably guess where most of these guys are from, based solely on their bland codenames (Matador being what Hollywood nickname every Spaniard ever). Guess which one's Arabic and which one is the black guy. Correct answers win admittance to Matthew Reilley's School of Racial Profiling.
Oddly, however, on this mission they had all acquired new call signs:
Oh here we go.
Line up those shot glasses again. He clearly realised his mistake and tried to correct it by making them adorable, but... well, you'll see.
Woodsman, Fuzzy, Stretch, Princess Zoe, Pooh Bear, Noddy and Big Ears.
These revised call-signs were the result of the ninth member of the team:
A little girl of ten.

Gah! So many shots!
In case you're wondering, yes, this team of retards really do go through the rest of the book with those code names, and they wear them with pride. If I turned up to some international mission to save the world and was told that some little girl wanted to call me "Big Ears", I'd fucking leave. Fuck the planet, it's not worth it if the entire world has to know that it was saved by Noddy and fucking Big Ears. Except Pooh Bear. That shit would bring dread into the hearts of all opponents. Think about it: You're being attacked by a man with the balls to go into the field not only as a children's character, but a children's character known for being the master of Zen. How would you stop that?
Also, was "Woodsman" the best she (And Matthew) could do? The rest are all kind of explained, but Woodsman?
A little girl.
If we were playing "Matthew Reilly Bingo", we'd be near to a full house and we're only two chapters in: We have a kid sidekick and an animal sidekick. Hands up if you think that the little girl is going to be tolerable. Now put your hands down if you've never read a Matthew Reilly novel.
This chapter is where it really starts to go downhill, as Matthew Reilly hits the stuff he really enjoys doing. I warn you now, the next one will be little more than historic exposition, which I will try to make entertaining, but in the interim, stew in the dangerous amounts of alcohol you have consumed and try to imagine any feasible scenario where the world is saved by Noddy, Pooh Bear and Big Ears.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 1

After a selection of quotes, in an attempt to add a sense of grandeur and "epicness" to the proceedings, we start as we mean to go on in this whirlwind adventure:

The Greatest Statue in History
It towered like a god above the mouth of Mandraki harbour, the main port of the island state of Rhodes, much like the Statue of Liberty does today in New York.
Well, I don't think that the Statue of Liberty is quite the same thing, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Finished in 282 BC after twelve years of construction,
280 BC. Sorry to be that guy, but... Really Matthew? On your first page, two sentences in, and you've already buggered up your exposition. This is going to be educational, I can tell. I did a quick internet search, cross-referencing three things, and got the correct date. Fuck. I'm adding a new rule:
Drink when something it historically inaccurate.
it was the tallest bronze statue ever built. 
I think there's on in Malaysia which is taller, as well as ones which have been built since, but I'll let that slide. It's the Colossus of Rhodes we're talking about.
At a stupendous-
Stop.
I'm sorry to have to keep doing this, but really? You're on your first page, going for a sense of adventure, and you use the word "stupendous", expecting us to take it seriously? This is already beginning to sound like 14 year old fan fiction, and we're on the first page. A Google search reveals that Matthew Reilly was 31 when he wrote this.
Go on.
At a stupendous 110 feet, it loomed above even the biggest ship that passed by. It was crafted in the shape of the Greek Sun-god, Helios- muscled and strong, wearing a crown of olive leaves and a necklace of massive golden pendants, and holding a flaming torch aloft in his right hand.
98 feet, and if there were ships NOT loomed over by that thing, I'd have been shocked. Though, I now take back my comments about the Statue of Liberty. Also, we're already halfway down the first page.
Experts 
Like Matthew Reilly
continue to argue whether the great statue stood astride the entrance to the harbour or at the end of the long breakwater that formed one of its shores. Either way, in its time, the Colossus would have been an awesome sight. Curiously, while the Rhodians built it in celebration of their victory over the Antigonids (who had laid siege to the island of Rhodes for an entire year), the statue's construction was paid for by Egypt - by two Egyptian Pharohs in fact: Ptolemy I and his son, Ptolemy II
I understand he's trying to add some historical basis, but is all of this really necessary? It sounds like the lecture that the main character of a Michael Bay movie would be attending right at the start, to foreshadow the plot. I mean, yes, that's kind of what he's doing here, but do we need all of this? And I cannot be arsed to check if all of this stuff is true. We're only on page 1.
But while it took Man twelve years to build the Colossus of Rhodes, it took Nature 56 years to ruin it.
Oooh! Is "Nature" going to be the villain of this book? Or maybe that's the codename of the main villain. Captain Jack "Nature" Napier, US Marine Corps.
Sorry.
When the great statue was badly damaged in an earthquake in 226 BC, it was again Egypt who offered to repair it: this time the new Pharoh, Ptolemy III. It was as if the Colossus meant more to the Egyptians than it did to the Rhodians. Fearing the Gods who had felled it, the people of Rhodes declined Ptolemy III's offer to rebuild the statue
Ungrateful dicks that they were
and the remainder of the statue was left to lie in ruins for nearly 900 years - until 654 AD when the invading Arabs broke it up and sold it off into pieces. 
One mysterious footnote remains.
A week after the Rhodians declined Ptolemy III's offer to re-erect
Hehe, "re-erect".
the Colossus, the head of the mammoth fallen statue -all sixteen feet of it- went missing. The Rhodians always suspected that it had been taken away on an Egyptian freighter-barge that had left Rhodes earlier that week.
As you do. Presumably hidden beneath a tarpaulin or lots of bails of hay.
The head of the Colossus of Rhodes was never seen again.
UNTIL NOW!

And that is the first chapter.
I've coloured the word "head" in red, because italics don't show up very well in this font. Matthew Reilly uses italics a lot in these books. I'm not making a drinking rule for it, because I am not a monster.
Literally, that is the first chapter. Nothing but (incorrect) details of the history of the Colossus of Rhodes.
Would you care to guess the relevance of that information in regards to the rest of the book?
Please submit your answers on the back of a postage stamp.
Oh, and there are three diagrams on the next page, detailing the "South Entrance".
Three shots

Join us next time, when we are introduced to our principal protagonists, and you get to see Matthew Reilly write tension!

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Prologue

I've decided that rather than having scattershot posts on various things on here, I shall instead channel my efforts into examining and enjoying/mocking the works of one of the greatest writers of our age: Matthew Reilly.

I discovered Matthew Reilly when I was but a simple, awkward teenager, and swiftly realised that he is living proof that "The Book" is not always better than "The Movie".
People say that Dan Brown writes screenplays. Matthew Reilly one-ups him by writing 90s screenplays, as directed by Michael Bay. Early, "Bad Boys" and "The Rock" Michael Bay. With perhaps a touch of every straight to DVD action movie ever.
His first novel, as well as the first I read, "Contest", is a book about a doctor who does battle with alien crocodiles, space minotaurs, a gigantic spider-stick insect and Galactic Ghost in New York's central library, aided only by a rookie cop and a space midget.
It is therefore one of the best things ever.

Despite one of the most generic front covers imaginable

An Australian, his books have gained momentum after he wrote the "Scarecrow" series focusing on Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield, US Marine, badass and tormented soul, who basically wanders into "intense" situations and has to deftly avoid plot twists and his own colossal balls on every page, whilst figuring out which of his multinational team in every book will betray him. Spoiler: It's always the suspicious looking one.

But I am not doing the Scarecrow series, at least not yet.
Neither am I doing his most recent work, which is Jurassic Park with dragons.
Nor am I doing "Temple", his hilariously amazing "Congo" tribute, whereby a team of hotshot scientists and soldiers must do battle with panthers, Nazis, Nihilists and an Incan temple in order to find a magic space rock which can power a doomsday weapon.
He has written a sillier book.

It is called "Seven Ancient Wonders" and focuses on the efforts of "Jack West Jr.", who is (surprisingly) his first Australian protagonist, and therefore has been written as an unstoppable killing machine (one of the few realistic things in his books) with a metal arm.
He leads his wacky team of multi-racial men (and token woman) on a quest to SAVE THE WORLD. Much like his other novels, there is an animal sidekick, as well as a child of genius intellect.

It also seems to be an Indiana Jones remake

Now, I shall be reviewing each section (there are no chapters, it makes it more INTENSE), which I shall be hand-typing up here in a different font, with my snarky commentary beneath. To avoid copyright issues, I must state that I am doing this for parody/review purposes, and also urge you to buy his books (seriously, they have to be read to be believed).

I also must say that Mr Reilly seems like a genuinely nice guy and I enjoy his books. Despite how silly they are.

You may drink along to this if you wish. I enclose the rules here.
Take a shot every time:

1. A sentence is 5 words or less
2. The chapter ends on a cliff hanger
3. There is a diagram/map
4. Somebody has a "Mysterious Past"

Tartarus Mode (Additional rules for the hardcore)

1. Every time he name drops a gun
2. Every time somebody has a ridiculous name.
3. Every time somebody has a ridiculous code name.
4. Every time something defies the laws of physics.
5. Every time something happens in a Michael Bay movie

So, with no further ado, let us begin the delights of "Seven Ancient Wonders"...