Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 29

The boring exposition continues. This chapter is, no word of a lie, nothing but Wizard telling the assembled delegates more about the Capstone and the Cult of Amun-Ra who looked after it, and are now known by other names throughout history: The Knights of St John and The Freemasons, the only secret societies Matthew Reilly can be positive that everybody knows about.

The Sheikh also asks them to "remind me of the Seven Ancient Wonders please?"

So the "young Irishwoman" in the room rattles them off in order of construction, just in case we were in danger of being mistaken for intelligent people. Enjoy it though, because this is the only piece of characterization she will ever get.
Wizard and the like point out that just because something has not been found, then that does not make it a myth. Well then, Wizard, by the same logic Angela Lansbury is real!

In a future post I may explain my theories behind this train of logic. But for now enjoy the second best waifu. The best will be shown in another future post

This statement is in regards to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and not, in fact, Matthew Reilly. The Canadian madman goes on to talk about how Alexander and Ptolemy visited or otherwise interacted with all seven of these eponymous structures (look at me! I managed to use the word "eponymous" in a sentence) but that it was Callimachus who mapped these specific buildings as "The Seven Wonders" as an attempt to make a map to the wonderful Capstone which they are all looking for.

Key here in only two pages is the exposition regarding the Capstone. Reilly is a man of simultaneous bizarre brevity and meandering madness: here he explains the Capstone and its relation to Alexander, including what it was made of and how it was a gift from the Oracle of Delphi. Now, the Oracle was apparently the head of a cult called "The Cult of Amun-Ra" and these guys evolved into the Knights of St John. Responsible for placing the Capstone on the pyramid, they also removed it. By "they", I mean the Cult. Not the Knights of St John. Well, actually I am not sure. Which iteration of this group of triangle-obsessed folk is responsible for which pyramid redecoration is left unclear in the book.
What bearing do they have on the tale?
Aside from mentioning Alexander the Great as being a key member, absolutely nothing. Reilly does what all books about ancient conspiracies do and mentions the Freemasons here too, but they also amount to being little more than background fluff never brought up again. This should mean that we get back to the breakneck pacing of his usual works, right?
If only you could see the face I am pulling right now.
The Oracle has a line of children, unbroken, over the years who have the ability to read the language of this "Callimachus Text" in the "Word of Thoth". This text details where the various pieces of the Capstone are and will allow the gang to, presumably, find them if they have the ability to read (a bit of a leap considering our party) and can read this particular language. Why there isn't simply a cipher or a code is left unsaid, much like the love we all have for our favourite cipher:

Charles. Charles Cyphers, in case you were wondering. Here he is on behalf of all Matthew Reilly readers.

The Oracle also apparently only ever has one child. In 4,500 years of existence there is only ever one kid. Don't take my word for it:
"the Oracle -male or female, the Oracle can be either- has always spawned one child."
Are you telling me that the Oracle never embarked on an "heir and a spare" policy? That their policy of carrying on the line of the ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN FIND THE MAGIC ROCKS is the same as my own regarding "number of wristwatches worn"? Even Sauron made multiple fucking rings! What if this kid turns out to be a jerk? What if they are born blind, or they just want to dance? Oh, but that will never happen, surely?
"The Oracle, a foul, distasteful man by all accounts, was killed two months later in a drunken accident."
Well gee fucking whizz.
The Oracle they are referring to is also the only black man in this book who is not Fuzzy. His wife (The Oracle's, not Fuzzy's, that would require backstory and character development) was the one carrying his children.
This is where the volcano comes into play.
I never thought that I would be writing that sentence in my life.

Actually, it doesn't explain the volcano.
See, the big info dump in this chapter is that the Europeans who are hunting for the Capstone now have the kid and a copy of the text (apparently copied in secret in the 13th century, hence the involvement of the Vatican, which opens up a whole slew of possibilities including the Pope being behind this, which would actually be kind of awesome) so seem to have this shit covered. However, the girl these guys pulled is the first time that the Oracle has EVER had twins, so they are at an advantage here because they too have a magic baby.
Now the plan is finally explained:
These nations raise the baby in secret until she can read the Text, follow its clues and grab the first piece of the magic rock they can get their hands on, holding onto it long enough for the ritual to pass and the entire quest to be rendered moot, thus saving the world and not letting any one nation or person come out on top.
That's... actually not too bad.
Wizard proposes that each of thee delegates offer up a soldier to guard the girl, to raise her and then embark on the quest. To his immense credit, Reilly actually has this:
"But I warn you. This will be a long mission, a mission of years, not months. It will be one of constant vigilance, self-sacrifice and discipline."
So he at least acknowledges the fact that these guys will be out of action for 13 plus years, all to guard this girl and stop America and Europe from gathering pieces of a magic golden rock.
It is completely unrelated, but I want to show you this superfluous line about West with absolutely no context:
"Since he was his own delegation, West didn't need to discuss anything with anyone."
I know what he was trying to do here: make West out to be the badass loner and mysterious hero, but all I can picture is a one-armed lunatic sat in the corner because nobody wants to talk to this crazy person. Less Jack Reacher, more Jackanory. Well, I got a laugh out of it, especially since this is in an Irish farmhouse and thus looks more like an awkward wedding than a diplomatic meeting.

Now we finally get an intro to all but one of our main characters. Are you ready? Do not blink. For Canada:
"Canada already had Max Epper."
And then there is Saudi Arabia (you know, back when we didn't talk about the human rights abuses):
"On behalf of the United Arab Emirates, I offer my second son, Captain Zahir Anzar al Abbas." The trooper who had been sitting beside Abbas for the duration of the meeting stood. He was a rotund fellow, short and round -some would say chubby - with a bushy black beard and turban. "Captain Zahir Anzar al Abbas, heavy arms, explosives, 1st Commando Squadron, at your command. Callsign Saladin."
There's simultaneously a lot and not very much to unpack there.
Our token Arab character is a little fat man, the son of a Sheikh and known as "Saladin". Jack Shaheen would have a field day with this. We at least know that the guy is into heavy weapons and explosives (a nice escape from the terrorist stereotype, surely...) but for every time this specialty (or indeed anybody else's) comes up you are to take a shot of Absinthe. On this knowledge, my Omid Djalili theory stands.
Saladin is one of the few prominent members of this group throughout the book and whilst descriptions aren't everything, we don't ever get much more than that to go on. He bickers with Stretch; and the fact that he has the closest thing resembling an arc to anybody in this novel is both a spoiler and an indicator of something amiss with all of this.
But enough of that! We have my favourite description possibly in the history of fiction, and certainly a Matthew Reilly novel, coming right up!
Then the Spaniards' representative stood: tall, handsome and athletic, he looked like Ricky Martin, only tougher.
The man does give his name, which I am going to ignore because it comes straight after that nugget of solid fucking gold. I want a Ricky Martin movie now, where he is the main character. You know what, fuck that, I want Ricky Martin as every single one of these characters.

All wearing exactly this exact costume.

His specialty is apparently "Underwater destruction and demolition", which I thought was the tagline to "Finding Nemo", but here we are.
The Jamaicans introduced a tall dreadlocked fellow named Sergeant V.J Weatherly, call-sign: Witch Doctor.
Ricky Martin was given a full name (Enrique Velacruz, in case you were wondering), a specialty and even a handful of lines where he introduces himself. Our black guy only gets "V.J", which I choose to believe stands for "VelJohnson" after the "Die Hard" alumni, infinitely improving this book.
Fun fact, I almost wrote "movie" instead of book there.
The New Zealanders offered a big hairy-faced NZAF pilot nicknamed Sky Monster.
Surely due to there being fuck all on that island, everybody in New Zealand can fly a plane?
Last of all, the Irish offered two representatives: one of which was the only woman to join this special multinational unit.
They sent Zoe Kissane and the giant fellow who sat by her side, her brother, Liam. Both hailed from the famed Irish commando unit, the Sciathan Fhianoglach an Airm. 
I am not even going to try to pronounce that.
She introduced herself:
Haven't we already been? Oh fuck it.
"Sergeant Zoe Kissane, hostage rescue, advanced medical. Call sign: Bloody Mary."
Oh if only you know how hilarious that first specialty of hers was in this book.
He did too: "Corporal Liam Kissane, also hostage rescue, bomb disposal, heavy arms. Call sign: Gunman."
Why are there two heavy arms specialists on the team? This is going to be a swift, chase-focused narrative. As awesome as it would be to have West wield an arm cannon and Liam to go back-to-back wielding miniguns with Omid Djalili as Horus swoops overhead, I feel that it would detract from the purpose somewhat. I know that I have complained about the terrible nickname before, but I shall do so again here: Why is the man's nickname/callsign "Gunman" when he specialises in bomb disposal and heavy arms? Surely "Boomer" would be more appropriate? Or "Knockout"? I only came up with those two off the top of my head and the latter makes no sense, but is certainly more appropriate than "Gunman".
And why do the Irish get two representatives?
It will make sense, on a meta-textual level, many chapters down the line.
And there they stood, all around the wide table, the nine chosen representatives of eight small nations who were about to embark on the mission of their lives.
I would quote "Guardians of the Galaxy" here, but that would be too easy.

They would acquire a tenth member soon -Stretch, from Israel- but he would not be a member of their choosing.
I had to include this next sentence because it pisses me off.
We have established that the interminable preceding chapters were in media reas, where we met Stretch the Isreali sniper and could work out from that that he would be a member of their team (unless West was merely going mad and hallucinated him, which in a story with Wizards on the team, is entirely likely), and through basic maths we can work out:
9 + 1
=
10
That was therefore superfluous, Reilly seemingly believing that we could not make sense of this ourselves, but not content with that he had to give us a spoiler about how that guy would join and something regarding the circumstances of it. Not content with THAT, he gives us a spoiler for something in a section TWO PAGES after this one. Reilly, we can wait, it's fine. We can fathom and comprehend things, we can work stuff out.

Our chapter ends the way that Matthew Reilly chapters often do: he drops a line which is supposed to be dramatic or revelatory, or some sort of terrible cliffhanger. West tells Saladin that the girl has a name: Lily. This is, right down to the number of lines and its place in the book, the set up of "Ice Station" too (a Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield novel) wherein a minor character we give less than zero shits about introduces himself as Luc Champion.
Fun fact: This is better than Ice Station.

Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders Part 28

This flashback within a flashback is more of a flash forward than a flashback, but is still set in 1997 and thus a flashback. That had more flashes than the Grandmaster himself... The chapter states that this part is in Count Kerry, Ireland at a place entitled, I kid you not, O'Shea Farm. Say what you like about Reilly, he does just roll with it.

Gathered are a group of "delegates" from seven different "minnows" of world affairs, waiting on an eighth. Now, these are the countries introduced earlier, in the form of our team, but then their nations of origin were irrelevant and actually didn't come up without Matthew explicitly stating it, even as he tried to raise the stakes in that ridiculously long opening sequence. I prefer this chapter, as even though it is exposition, it's a slower one, it has a little more going on in it as a result, and you can imagine it being done well in a movie. You can picture the camera panning around, showing each of the nations, introducing our characters properly with little touches, like in "Armageddon", but with unfortunately far less Buscemi.

The hero we need, and the one we deserve

You can really see it working. Unfortunately we only really get an introduction to one of the delegates at this point, the others are just nameless figures in the background, and that one is this guy:
"Their leader, a wily old Sheik from the United Arab Emirates named Anzar al-Abbas,"
Oh Matthew. I do appreciate once again that he is going all out with his cards here. His misspelling of Sheikh is rather annoying to me though. Al Abbas is the closest thing to a true supporting character for the majority of this book, everybody else (even Wizard) is an actual part of the mission, so there's nothing really bogging down the rest of the narrative, be that investigations, emotion, common sense, a comprehensible plot... The Sheikh is a minor character, all things considered, but I'm glad that we know he is wily and old, that will be important somehow, probably, when we are shown this rather than told it.
The Canadians are described as "typically, sat there calmly and patiently" as we await the arrival of their guy and the last delegate. It is nice of them to mirror the views and attitudes of Reilly's editor.
Of course, the last delegate is Jack West, accompanied by Canada's Professor Max T Epper. In the interim we're dropped some information about the capstone and some information about a bullshit prophecy. The Capstone is made of seven pieces of a diamond. When it's put together, there's a shaft running down the middle of it, with branching paths into the rest of it, a crystal at the end of each. Don't ask me how.
"This is a crucial point"
We know it is, Matthew, that's why we've picked up on it. Jesus Matthew. What makes you think I'm this stupid?
Oh, right, I'm reading "Seven Ancient Wonders" and writing a blog about it.
The book throws out some quasi-intellectual nonsense about theories regarding the Capstone, all nonsense we can safely ignore.
Wizard comes in, and there is furtive whispering. We get the line "The ones who found the Scrolls of the Museion" dropped as a whisper by one of the Arabs. I could be a dick and chalk this up as a case of Reilly giving us another, more interesting adventure, but I actually am going to be honest here: I like it. It's one of the few times we get a glimpse of actual character from these two fuck-bags. Scrolls from the legendary Library of Alexandria, long thought lost, tracked down and recovered by an old man and a burly Australian? We learn from that that Epper is some kind of classical-orientated genius, and he and West are good friends, whose reputations precede them. There's more character and creativity in that one line than we've had in ten action sequences. I now care a little bit about them.
Of course, this novel is still about a one-armed Australian and a Canadian Wizard carrying Scrolls from the Library of Alexandria on a quest to rescue a magic diamond from the Vatican, so I won't give this too much credit.
Oh, and Wizard and West are among the least ridiculous characters.
We learn that Wizard has a beard, as white as it will be in ten years (important that) and that West has lost his arm, meaning he's not yet gotten his replacement. This could be a prelude to an adventure and epic quest to find the knowledge and resources to give West an artificial arm, or perhaps that adventure retrieving the head of the Colossus of Rhodes was the prelude to the grand finale and the group had to go through hell to get him an arm in time for fun times at the end?

It's not

Then we get this bizarre line, whispered by another character:
"Epper is Professor of Archaeology at Trinity College in Dublin, a brilliant fellow, but he also has doctorates in physics and electromagnetics..."
There's a lot to unpack there. Trinity College in Dublin is a big place, I'd hope that they have more than one Professor of Archaeology, otherwise students are going to get short-changed. Is Epper THE professor, A professor or the Head of the Department? These distinctions are kind of important. Also, I see he graduated from the school of Hollywood science, where he has enough to keep the plot moving. Yes, there probably are experts in archaeology AND those other two things, but I've yet ot learn of them, and there's probably a preference form the two.
I know that they go delving into ancient tombs and underground places, technically archaeology I suppose, but the knowledge Epper spouts throughout the novel regarding the ancient civilisations they encounter and the prophecies they wrote down are far closer to things a Professor of Classics would know.
So whilst we have been given an introduction to Epper, it is inaccurate.
He and West graduate from the Indiana Jones school of Archaeology.
OH!
One more thing, Wizard speaks several languages over the course of the novel.  I'm not talking the usual stuff like French, German and the like, but Latin, Greek, Sumerian and things like that, FLUENTLY.
Not only is Epper an inventor, archaeologist, Head of Department, professor at Trinity College (I am presuming he has tenure, because OF COURSE HE WILL) adventurer, expert on ancient cultures, doctor in physics and electromagnetism (I am presuming that is what a doctorate in electromagnetics is, because my spell-checker keeps flagging it up) but he is a multi-linguist too.
This makes Epper a:

I am sure that Epper is somebody's player character from a role-playing game manifested as a character in this novel, and I'm not even mad! I love this man, he's utterly ridiculous. The rest of the team are there for representation and combat skills (except for Noddy, he's there for... well) but Wizard is just the best character, can he be the hero of this Doc Savage-esque adventure?

We are dropped hints about West's past with the American army in Iraq in 1991, then he sits down. Reilly then makes a big point that HE is the entire delegation of his nation, who have sent no other representatives when the other nations have sent diplomats and soldiers?
"That nation: Australia."
I am surprised at the restraint in Reilly for going six novels (Contest, Temple, Ice Station, Area 7, Scarecrow and Hover Car Racer, which is a whole different kettle of Speed-Racer, I mean fish!) and a novella (Hell Island, a personal favourite of mine, which actually is important to this series for reasons we shall go into one day) without making a single character, let along protagonist, Australian. Then, when he finally gives us a lead character who isn't Shane fucking Schofield or the guys from the other books, he gives us the most Australian Australian who ever Australias in Australia. The pride this man has in his nation is incredibly endearing. I wish everybody loved each other a tenth as much as Matthew loves Jack West Jr and Australia, or a hundredth as much as I love Matthew Reilly novels.
Epper, unlike Reilly, gets to the point (his actual words on one line) about why they're there:
They tracked down the wife of the new Oracle of Delphi, a woman named Malena Okombo, after she fled her abusive husband (the spoilt man) and West promised to protect her. She was kidnapped literally the day after he said this (I am serious, he says as much in the paragraph) and we get the line about "the incident in the volcano", which is a remarkably low-key way of putting it.
How wonderfully Australian.
And that single paragraph of around six lines is all we ever get of the Oracle and his wife, and her connection to Jack. Nobody forms attachments to women as quickly as Jack West Junior! The Oracle is mentioned in a single line again later in the book, but that's it for the two of them in so far as plot goes.
General Colin O'Hara is named as the head of the delegation.
Enjoy that name.
He may as well be called Brendan Seamus Dermot O'Flaherty.

The plot setting is then spouted off by Epper over the next . I'll give you the key points.
This Capstone is not only capitalised, but hunted by major sides and civilisations throughout history.
Jason and the Argonauts was a tale of searching for the Capstone.
Napolean sent dudes after it.
Caesar sent dudes after it.
Even Hitler sent a few charming gentlemen after it.
Now it's being hunted by America and "Old Europe" (the two major sides in the conflict, as established in the book's opening scene) consisting of Germany, France, Italy and the Vatican. The two sides are at each other's throats.
China and other glorious nations do not register into this debate.
The key piece of information on the Capstone is The Callamichus Text, its eponymous author having personally known the only man to possess all seven pieces of it: Alexander the Great. The ruler broke it (the Capstone, not the text) up into seven pieces and stashed them at every wonder of the world with his old friend Ptolemy I, so that the power would not be used by others.
Legend has it that he or she who manages to assemble it in time for the glorious event known as "The Tartarus Rotation" would have immense power.

And that's the plot in a nutshell.
I know that I have skimmed over a lot of this, but we'll get to the meat of the book soon, as I have rambled on for long enough.

Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders Part 27

From this point on the book goes into overdrive.

This chapter/segment is titled:

"A Previous Mission. The Volcano"

So you know that this is going to be something special. On that front, it does not disappoint...

Ten years earlier in the exotic locale of "North Eastern Uganda", we are introduced to Jack West. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, we are introduced to a drawing done on a computer of "The Birthing Chamber". In a first for this blog (surprising actually) I have attempted to recreate that drawing/diagram in Microsoft Paint. I have changed almost nothing from the original source, right down to the labels. The one in the book had about nine minutes more effort put into it than mine:

This took me a minute. It is only slightly less accurate.

Look at that.

That, or some variant of it, is the first thing in this chapter, before anything else. That right there is the reason that I love Matthew Reilly. You can look at that and immediately know how this goes down, right?
Oh you poor, sweet, innocent reader...

I am tempted to end this entry right now, and leave you with that beautiful image. But much like the rabbit hole, this volcano goes deeper, a lot deeper...

We establish with our first line (after the usual stamps denoting time and location like an episode of 24) that this is in West's dreams. He is running towards the sound of booming drums with Wizard (the first recorded case of the hero running INTO the supervillain's death fortress accompanied by the actual supervillain)  and we must immediately take two more shots for:

"It's hot."

"Hot as hell."

Those sentences are right after each other. I would call out Reilly on this being superfluous, ludicrous writing, were it not a beautiful use of symbolism and metaphor. Much like "The Divine Comedy", in many regards... Such restraint and subtlety (as much as one can expect) from Reilly) in this chapter. Maybe it all goes up from here?

"And since it's inside a volcano, it even looks like Hell."

The immediate next line.

I know that I said I wasn't going to go line by line anymore, but I had to for that part. You were doing SO well Matthew, you were SO close!

Come on Reilly, you can do it!

In the next few lines we learn that West is 27 here (set in 1996, the bulk of the novel is in 2006, making West 37 at the time of the present day adventure. Hey, it's not much information, but I will take what I can get) and he and Wizard go running down this corridor. In a single paragraph they deactivate some unspecified traps, have Horus swoop form his shoulders to tear into some crazy bats (a sequence given more detail than the booby traps, by which I mean it is given two lines rather than one) and reach a pipe which West is ready to slide down. 

I love Horus.

He makes it down the pipe and enters what can only be described as a Doc Savage movie. There are priests arranged in a circle around the altar including the line, I shit you not:

"Six of the priests pound on huge lion skin drums"

Come on Matthew. 

I know you're going for an aesthetic and theme here, and I don't want to be the leftist libtard sackless cuck that I am often called on Doctor Who forums when I acknowledge the existence of Jodie Whitaker, but isn't this a LITTLE close to the bone?

I'm not trying to be that guy here, I want to be along for the ride, but we are then dropped this gem:

"Incongruously, surrounding the circle of robed priests, all facing outwards, are sixteen paratroopers in full battle-dress uniforms. They are French, all brandishing FN-MAG assault rifles, and their eyes are deadly."

The jarring contrast between chanting robed priests and armed French troopers in modern day gear is something interesting, which of course is never dwelt upon. Who are these guys? Why the French? I know that the French were the villains of "Ice Station" (his first Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield novel, which was an entirely different salad of mixed nuts and batshit) but why are they in Nigeria? Do they work for the Commonwealth nations mentioned in the previous chapter? If so, why aren't there a shed-load of German engineers?

And do you have to call their guns ugly, Matthew? That is just mean, and a rather low blow. We all know that these guys are going to get murdered like a Jean Reno movie post 2001, so why insult and belittle them before that?

Let us end these unrealistic assault rifle beauty standards and have a world where all rifles are judged on their merits! Fight the Assault Rifle Patriarchy!

This is what came up on Google. Any experts feel free to correct me. I have no idea what you are talking about Matthew: I'd buy that thing a dinner any day of the week. Of course, it's French so it'll call the main "pedestrian" and "derivative", but it's the thought that counts, right?

"Their eyes are deadly" is also the title of my forthcoming experimental New Retro Wave Album.

The woman is basically tied to this table in the middle with a ray of light shining down and ready to give birth. We know this because of the following lines:

"And one other thing:

The woman is pregnant.
More than that.

She is in the process of giving birth...

It's obviously painful, but not the only reason for her screams."

I am glad that Matthew Reilly is not a doctor. For many reasons, but that last line is one of them. And no, she is not screaming in existential dread or at the turmoil of being unable to find a good reason why she is locked in a volcano with a group of Nigerians and French Paratroopers, but because they are about to take her baby.

The lead priest is revealed to be Del Piero, who takes the baby (take another three shots for three sentences under four words long) which happens to be a boy, then he leaves the chamber WITH the troopers, and stamps on another stone for good measure.

Okay, I did not see that coming.

West mentions how he was to be there for the woman and failing (yes, I don't trust West with a fruit knife, let alone bodyguard duty) as Wizard ponders on "the Vatican and the French joining forces", which is an actual line which an actual human being has written, and then swings across the chamber with his grappling hook gun to rescue this woman, about whom we know nothing.

Much like the previous part, all of the details are not revealed to us. This is not a complex, Ellery Queen-esque mystery whereby the pieces are there for us to ponder and feel glad that we have uncovered a glorious puzzle; but rather more akin to watching an episode of "Sherlock" backwards in a wind tunnel with the sound muted as you try to come down from a crippling addiction to Benadryl, and somebody occasionally splices footage from Jean Claude Van Damme movies into the middle of it.

Lava pours in and the ceiling drops like my interest in the book, when suddenly daring Jack West reaches the woman (named Malena, apparently), apologizes to her for being dead, and realizes that there is a second baby inside of her. He calls over Wizard to help him deliver this kid.

"the two men perform a Caesarean delivery on the dead woman's body using West's Leatherman knife."

I'm glad that we know it's a Leatherman, otherwise all of this wouldn't make sense.

The tow of them worry about how to escape the ceiling dropping, lava filling chamber without dying and with this little girl still intact, when we get what I have eagerly been awaiting this entire chapter.

West, I shit you not, notices a hole behind the lava. Wizard senses what this moron is about to do and advises him against it; but Jack only says:

"Can you build me a new arm, Max?"

Wizard basically agrees, promising him a better arm as if he were speaking to a child or a Matthew Reilly character, and West subsequently plunges his arm into the hole to find a lever, which turns off the lava flow.

He

Puts

His

Arm

Into

The

Hole

And

Turns

Off

The Lava

Flow

If that image is not stupidly, ridiculously awesome enough for you, here it is retold vie the medium of Jean Claude Van Damme

I love this book so much

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 2

There is another "24" style date, time, place and location in this chapter, but I'm ignoring it. Because we know where we are, and it'll be relevant only to Matthew Reilly, who'll forget about them instantly, so he may as well put "Die Antwoord" lyrics up there, for all the sense that they make.

The nine figures raced through the crocodile-infested swamp on foot, moving fast, staying low.
The odds were stacked against them.
Hmm. Crocodiles make things interesting. Also, nine figures is an awful lot to introduce at once.
Their rivals numbered in excess of 200 men.
Fucking Christ! 200 dudes? I demand backstories on all of them! They cannot all be generic minions there to get horribly murdered by the "heroes".
They had only nine.
You just told us that. Also, four word-sentence, so take a shot.
Their rivals had massive logistical and technical support: choppers, floodlights for night work
What else would you use them for? A disco? A midnight rave? To be fair, "Colossus of Rhodes" sounds like a fantastic DJ name...
and boats of every kind-gunboats, houseboats, communication boats, three giant dredging barges
For what?
for the digging-
Ah. Thanks for clearing that up
and that wasn't even mentioning the temporary dam they'd managed to build.
Wait, what? They've built a dam? How long were they here? When did they set up? Is it made of wood? Is it defended? How does one make a "temporary" dam? Are there a few dozen engineers and members of the logistics corps in these 200 men? If so, I wouldn't kill off so many of them, some of these guys sound like prodigies at the very least, and definitely people who simply enjoy their job. I wouldn't just kill them.
The Nine were only carrying what they'd need inside the mine.
I'm glad to hear that. Also, there's a mine here? And why have you capitalised "The Nine"? Are they German? How did they navigate this temporary dam without getting shot? Who thinks this is going to be explained?
And now -the Nine had just discovered- a third force was on its way to the mountain, close behind them, a much larger and nastier force than that of their immediate foes, who were nasty enough.
Show, don't tell. Also, how did they know this? Was it written on this enormous dam? I know he's doing some foreshadowing at some ungodly foe, but can they really be more evil than 200 dudes armed with boats and a logistics corps? This is an awful lot of stuff to chuck on us this early on.
By any reckoning it was a hopelessly lost cause, with enemies in front of them and enemies behind them-
Stuck in the middle with youuuuuu!
but the Nine kept running anyway.
Because they had to.
Take a shot.
They were a last-ditch effort.
Take a shot. Also, show, don't tell.
The last throw of the dice.
We get it, it's desperate. Also, repetition, take a shot.
They were the very last hope of the small group of nations they represented.
That's where the paragraph (and page) ends, on a cliff-hanger, so take a shot. Feeling the tension ratchet up yet? What are these nations? What's going on? I'm guessing the following:
Latvia, Togo, Fiji, Iberia, Wales, The Central African Republic, Bolivia, Madagascar and Lichtenstein, because that would be kind of amusing, and very unexpected.

Their immediate rivals -a coalition of European nations- had found the northern entrance to the mine two days ago and were now well advanced in its tunnel system.
Getting a little ahead of ourselves, aren't we?
A radio transmission that had been intercepted an hour before revealed-
Wait, NOW you tell us? You're content to chuck everything out in one go, but hastily add the fact that they presumably hacked into the radio signal of a 200-strong force, an hour ago apparently, a page later? Fuck you Matthew.
that this pan-European force-
You've told us this.
French troops, German engineers and an Italian project leader-
I KNEW it! And it's always the French...
had just arrived at the final entry trap on their side of the mine. Once they breached that, they would be inside the Grand Cavern itself.
They were progressing quickly.
Which meant that they were also well versed in the difficulties found inside the mine.
Fatal difficulties.
Traps.
Oh Christ. Take three shots: Two for the sentences there, and another for repetition. That is also how it's written. He's given separate lines for the fact that there are traps. Get used to that too, because that's how every major event in this book goes: Outnumbered team go to traps, running, with repeated sentences for urgency, because it's urgent, and they must go quickly, and keep going, fast, with urgency.
But the Europeans' progress hadn't been entirely without loss:
I'd hope not, sending 200 dudes face first into a mine without giving this team of genius engineers and your enormous Navy a chance to look at it first.
three members of their point team had died gruesome deaths in a snare on the first day.
Aww man, that sounds horribly interesting. I wish we could have seen it.
But the leader of the European expedition -a Vatican-based Jesuit priest named Francisco del Piero-
Okay, stop.
Let's examine that phrase, for a moment, because nearly every word of it is magical. Firstly, take a shot for the name "Francisco del Piero", which sounds like the protagonist to a lost Cervantes novel, then consider the fact that the Vatican are the villains here: Leading an army of people into a mine in Sudan, to murder 9 dudes, because Jesuits are still evil, apparently, and operating like a Vatican hit-squad of ninjas.
Dan Brown? Is that you?
had not let their deaths slow him down.
Why would he? He has 200 men and German engineering to help him bury them properly.
Single-minded, unstoppable and completely devoid of sympathy,
Oh I don't know, he's the only named character so far, and the Jesuit Order are actually pretty nice dudes.
del Piero urged his people onward. Considering what was at stake, their deaths were an acceptable loss.
Ooooooo! A mystery!

The Nine kept charging through the swamp on the south side of the mountain, heads bent into the rain, feet pounding through the mud.
Oh, it's raining. Of course it's raining... Everything's more dramatic when it's raining. And Jesuit priests look far more sinister in the rain.
They ran like soldiers -low and fast, with balance and purpose, ducking under branches, hurdling bogs, always staying in single file.
Here it comes. Also, spoiler, two of them are civilians, so that statement is an outright lie. Unless they're just running like that to blend in.
In their hands they held guns:
Beautiful, poetry for the ages.
MP-7s, M-16s, Steyr-AUGs. In their thigh holsters were pistols of every kind.
Take three shots and try not to imagine the massive boner that Matthew Reilly had when writing those words.
On their backs: packs of various sizes, all bristling with ropes, climbing gear and odd-looking steel struts. And above them, soaring gracefully over the treetops, was a small shape, a bird of some sort.
Not only has Matthew Reilly just introduced us to the most human and likeable character in the novel, but he has done so in a way which intends to evoke mystery and dread. What kind of bird is it? Is it a big bird? Is it one of their birds? Is it a wild bird? Who knows! Keep reading to find out!

Seven of the Nine were indeed soldiers.
Ah! Now you've picked up on it.
Crack troops.  Special forces. All from different countries.
Four shots. Three for the sentences of four words or less and one for the repetition. Technically he repeated two things (that they are Special forces and that they're all from different countries), so I suppose that's five shots. Well done! If you've been following the drinking game so far, you're now at the correct stage to write this book!
The remaining two members were civilians, the elder of whom was a long-bearded 65 year old professor named Maximilian T. Epper, call-sign: Wizard.
And it is here we come to one of the true joys of Matthew Reilly, after reading his dialogue: Watching him name a human being. Now, technically this one doesn't count, because Max T. Epper is a real person, who won an auction to be placed as a character in one of his books. You can, however, drink twice for "Wizard" and the fact that it is in italics and not feel bad.
Line up those shots.
The seven military members of the team had somewhat fierce nicknames:
We'll be the judge of that.
Huntsman, Witch Doctor, Archer, Bloody Mary, Saladin, Matador and Gunman.
Gunman. Really? That's got to be the laziest army codename ever. Are his buddies back home called "Uniform" and "Soldier"? It's like calling your dog "Thing that Woofs", or your house "Building". You can probably guess where most of these guys are from, based solely on their bland codenames (Matador being what Hollywood nickname every Spaniard ever). Guess which one's Arabic and which one is the black guy. Correct answers win admittance to Matthew Reilley's School of Racial Profiling.
Oddly, however, on this mission they had all acquired new call signs:
Oh here we go.
Line up those shot glasses again. He clearly realised his mistake and tried to correct it by making them adorable, but... well, you'll see.
Woodsman, Fuzzy, Stretch, Princess Zoe, Pooh Bear, Noddy and Big Ears.
These revised call-signs were the result of the ninth member of the team:
A little girl of ten.

Gah! So many shots!
In case you're wondering, yes, this team of retards really do go through the rest of the book with those code names, and they wear them with pride. If I turned up to some international mission to save the world and was told that some little girl wanted to call me "Big Ears", I'd fucking leave. Fuck the planet, it's not worth it if the entire world has to know that it was saved by Noddy and fucking Big Ears. Except Pooh Bear. That shit would bring dread into the hearts of all opponents. Think about it: You're being attacked by a man with the balls to go into the field not only as a children's character, but a children's character known for being the master of Zen. How would you stop that?
Also, was "Woodsman" the best she (And Matthew) could do? The rest are all kind of explained, but Woodsman?
A little girl.
If we were playing "Matthew Reilly Bingo", we'd be near to a full house and we're only two chapters in: We have a kid sidekick and an animal sidekick. Hands up if you think that the little girl is going to be tolerable. Now put your hands down if you've never read a Matthew Reilly novel.
This chapter is where it really starts to go downhill, as Matthew Reilly hits the stuff he really enjoys doing. I warn you now, the next one will be little more than historic exposition, which I will try to make entertaining, but in the interim, stew in the dangerous amounts of alcohol you have consumed and try to imagine any feasible scenario where the world is saved by Noddy, Pooh Bear and Big Ears.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 1

After a selection of quotes, in an attempt to add a sense of grandeur and "epicness" to the proceedings, we start as we mean to go on in this whirlwind adventure:

The Greatest Statue in History
It towered like a god above the mouth of Mandraki harbour, the main port of the island state of Rhodes, much like the Statue of Liberty does today in New York.
Well, I don't think that the Statue of Liberty is quite the same thing, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Finished in 282 BC after twelve years of construction,
280 BC. Sorry to be that guy, but... Really Matthew? On your first page, two sentences in, and you've already buggered up your exposition. This is going to be educational, I can tell. I did a quick internet search, cross-referencing three things, and got the correct date. Fuck. I'm adding a new rule:
Drink when something it historically inaccurate.
it was the tallest bronze statue ever built. 
I think there's on in Malaysia which is taller, as well as ones which have been built since, but I'll let that slide. It's the Colossus of Rhodes we're talking about.
At a stupendous-
Stop.
I'm sorry to have to keep doing this, but really? You're on your first page, going for a sense of adventure, and you use the word "stupendous", expecting us to take it seriously? This is already beginning to sound like 14 year old fan fiction, and we're on the first page. A Google search reveals that Matthew Reilly was 31 when he wrote this.
Go on.
At a stupendous 110 feet, it loomed above even the biggest ship that passed by. It was crafted in the shape of the Greek Sun-god, Helios- muscled and strong, wearing a crown of olive leaves and a necklace of massive golden pendants, and holding a flaming torch aloft in his right hand.
98 feet, and if there were ships NOT loomed over by that thing, I'd have been shocked. Though, I now take back my comments about the Statue of Liberty. Also, we're already halfway down the first page.
Experts 
Like Matthew Reilly
continue to argue whether the great statue stood astride the entrance to the harbour or at the end of the long breakwater that formed one of its shores. Either way, in its time, the Colossus would have been an awesome sight. Curiously, while the Rhodians built it in celebration of their victory over the Antigonids (who had laid siege to the island of Rhodes for an entire year), the statue's construction was paid for by Egypt - by two Egyptian Pharohs in fact: Ptolemy I and his son, Ptolemy II
I understand he's trying to add some historical basis, but is all of this really necessary? It sounds like the lecture that the main character of a Michael Bay movie would be attending right at the start, to foreshadow the plot. I mean, yes, that's kind of what he's doing here, but do we need all of this? And I cannot be arsed to check if all of this stuff is true. We're only on page 1.
But while it took Man twelve years to build the Colossus of Rhodes, it took Nature 56 years to ruin it.
Oooh! Is "Nature" going to be the villain of this book? Or maybe that's the codename of the main villain. Captain Jack "Nature" Napier, US Marine Corps.
Sorry.
When the great statue was badly damaged in an earthquake in 226 BC, it was again Egypt who offered to repair it: this time the new Pharoh, Ptolemy III. It was as if the Colossus meant more to the Egyptians than it did to the Rhodians. Fearing the Gods who had felled it, the people of Rhodes declined Ptolemy III's offer to rebuild the statue
Ungrateful dicks that they were
and the remainder of the statue was left to lie in ruins for nearly 900 years - until 654 AD when the invading Arabs broke it up and sold it off into pieces. 
One mysterious footnote remains.
A week after the Rhodians declined Ptolemy III's offer to re-erect
Hehe, "re-erect".
the Colossus, the head of the mammoth fallen statue -all sixteen feet of it- went missing. The Rhodians always suspected that it had been taken away on an Egyptian freighter-barge that had left Rhodes earlier that week.
As you do. Presumably hidden beneath a tarpaulin or lots of bails of hay.
The head of the Colossus of Rhodes was never seen again.
UNTIL NOW!

And that is the first chapter.
I've coloured the word "head" in red, because italics don't show up very well in this font. Matthew Reilly uses italics a lot in these books. I'm not making a drinking rule for it, because I am not a monster.
Literally, that is the first chapter. Nothing but (incorrect) details of the history of the Colossus of Rhodes.
Would you care to guess the relevance of that information in regards to the rest of the book?
Please submit your answers on the back of a postage stamp.
Oh, and there are three diagrams on the next page, detailing the "South Entrance".
Three shots

Join us next time, when we are introduced to our principal protagonists, and you get to see Matthew Reilly write tension!

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Prologue

I've decided that rather than having scattershot posts on various things on here, I shall instead channel my efforts into examining and enjoying/mocking the works of one of the greatest writers of our age: Matthew Reilly.

I discovered Matthew Reilly when I was but a simple, awkward teenager, and swiftly realised that he is living proof that "The Book" is not always better than "The Movie".
People say that Dan Brown writes screenplays. Matthew Reilly one-ups him by writing 90s screenplays, as directed by Michael Bay. Early, "Bad Boys" and "The Rock" Michael Bay. With perhaps a touch of every straight to DVD action movie ever.
His first novel, as well as the first I read, "Contest", is a book about a doctor who does battle with alien crocodiles, space minotaurs, a gigantic spider-stick insect and Galactic Ghost in New York's central library, aided only by a rookie cop and a space midget.
It is therefore one of the best things ever.

Despite one of the most generic front covers imaginable

An Australian, his books have gained momentum after he wrote the "Scarecrow" series focusing on Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield, US Marine, badass and tormented soul, who basically wanders into "intense" situations and has to deftly avoid plot twists and his own colossal balls on every page, whilst figuring out which of his multinational team in every book will betray him. Spoiler: It's always the suspicious looking one.

But I am not doing the Scarecrow series, at least not yet.
Neither am I doing his most recent work, which is Jurassic Park with dragons.
Nor am I doing "Temple", his hilariously amazing "Congo" tribute, whereby a team of hotshot scientists and soldiers must do battle with panthers, Nazis, Nihilists and an Incan temple in order to find a magic space rock which can power a doomsday weapon.
He has written a sillier book.

It is called "Seven Ancient Wonders" and focuses on the efforts of "Jack West Jr.", who is (surprisingly) his first Australian protagonist, and therefore has been written as an unstoppable killing machine (one of the few realistic things in his books) with a metal arm.
He leads his wacky team of multi-racial men (and token woman) on a quest to SAVE THE WORLD. Much like his other novels, there is an animal sidekick, as well as a child of genius intellect.

It also seems to be an Indiana Jones remake

Now, I shall be reviewing each section (there are no chapters, it makes it more INTENSE), which I shall be hand-typing up here in a different font, with my snarky commentary beneath. To avoid copyright issues, I must state that I am doing this for parody/review purposes, and also urge you to buy his books (seriously, they have to be read to be believed).

I also must say that Mr Reilly seems like a genuinely nice guy and I enjoy his books. Despite how silly they are.

You may drink along to this if you wish. I enclose the rules here.
Take a shot every time:

1. A sentence is 5 words or less
2. The chapter ends on a cliff hanger
3. There is a diagram/map
4. Somebody has a "Mysterious Past"

Tartarus Mode (Additional rules for the hardcore)

1. Every time he name drops a gun
2. Every time somebody has a ridiculous name.
3. Every time somebody has a ridiculous code name.
4. Every time something defies the laws of physics.
5. Every time something happens in a Michael Bay movie

So, with no further ado, let us begin the delights of "Seven Ancient Wonders"...