Dr Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) is afflicted with a blood condition which saps his strength, life force and acting ability. Alongside his best friend Milo (Matt Smith) he seeks a cure, finding an unconventional one in the form of vampire bats and their bodies. But it will have completely forseen consequences...
This was a movie nobody expected to be good, and has happily lived down to those expectations. Some were worried this was a forced attempt at a "shared universe" by Sony (which it is), others that it simply looked bad (which is does), and some were worried about this being a miscast trend-chasing project featuring a terrible actor (which is also is), but as with all of these things the truth lies somewhere in between.
What should be a campy, baroque and over the top drama about a vampire doing battle with his evil brother (because you all know Matt Smith is going to be the villain in this) falls flat on its face and crawls for the entirety of the race. Where it wants the hero to struggle with duality and identity, it instead faces that very same quandry: is it a superhero film? Is it an R-Rated "Venom" knock-off (right down to stating the movie's catchphrase but with no punchline, that was cut from the film like many things)? Is it a movie about villains? Is it a movie with a script?
It's a myriad of bad decisions piled on top of each other (tonal inconsistency, dodgy CGI, a refusal to commit to the core camp concept, 2 completely superfluous FBI characters, an over-abundance of bad slow motion effects) but cut in a way which has no heart or soul or life to it. Pardon the pun there, but this movie doesn't feel like a passion project for anybdy involved. Occasionally there will be lines which sound like they could be fun in a "Dashing Derring-Do, Gentleman Vampire" sort of way, but fall flat when delivered by Jared Leto (an actor with the charm of Ansel Elgort dry-humping a dead possum). There are moments when the camera shakes itself out of the soporific stupour of "Shot-Reverse Shot" mentality you would see in a budget TV crime procedural or "Fifty Shades Darker" - one which springs to mind is a corkscrew shot on a subway, but even that just stops halfway through. There's no passion here. I would happily have taken the movie if it had the same strength and energy as this:
But alas, even from its opening (a drudge through a jungle) it is a sleepy and dreary affair. Boxes are ticked, editing is perfunctory at best and outright atrocious at worst (Tyrese Gibson's FBI agent effectively teleports during a supposed chase sequence) and none of this is helped by underwritten supporting cast (Adria Arjona's Dr Bancroft is given lines to say, bless her, and does her best with the material, but leaves little impact, and Jared Harris turns up twice to remind us he's in this) and the dire acting talents of Jared Leto.
I'm not quite sure why he keeps getting cast in movies: he's akin to the kid who gets the leads in school plays because his dad donates money to the school. He's a curious anti-charisma about him, he's something of a weak link even when giving effort. Matt Smith is the only part which threatens to be fun: despite atrocious CGI and a motive undeveloped beyond "I enjoy being evil and somebody has to liven proceedings", he brings a spark and joy to the material. Had he been cast as Morbius, the film would not have been good by any means, but it would have suffered less and be at least charmingly inept. Al Madrigal got a few decent laughs out of me with his lines, and I was thankful he survived the movie. He seemed bored. Oh, and jobbing actor Corey Johnson, whom I rather like, shows up for a little bit.
Those two are the positives.
On the way down I joked about wanting this character in the leading role:
And I think that's got more mileage in my life than anything this movie has to offer.
"What up girl?! Your blood smells DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE! Hey you walking away? Cool, same time next week? Hey beautiful!"
Tyrese Gibson has a robot arm in this, and it never goes anywhere.
It's bad.
The movie's bad, we all knew it would be bad, and it's not even a "Venom" situation where an actor or a weird concept made it fun enough for me to see why people like it.
It's thoroughly charmless, and borderline artless. I'm an avid defender of bad art, but after watching the endlessly fun "X" and the fucking brilliant micro-budget "Red Rocket" this year: there is no excuse for this movie, or reason for Jared Leto anymore. How many people (apart from me) have legitimately great scripts and visions they wish to create? How many actors like Simon Rex are waiting for their chance to absolutely smash it out of the park and show the world what they've got?
It's not "Fantfourstic" bad, but... Fuck at least "Electra" and "Catwoman" are charmingly shitty.
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