Stephen King

I'd like to take a break from the horrors of Temple to talk about a good author, Stephen King specifically. With news that the man has two adaptations of his work on the way ("It" and "The Dark Tower"), and a roller-coaster history of adaptations of his work, one wonders one thing:
Why isn't Hollywood doing the Stephen King expanded universe?

There are now forced efforts by studios to emulate the success of the Marvel Studios movies, notably by the Warner Brothers DC Cinematic Universe and the roster of movies flying out, but also in smaller, unusual targets such as the reboot of "The Mummy" which plans to include other classic horror film monsters (I believe that Russell Crowe will be playing Dr Jekyll and not, unfortunately, Mr. Knife from "Man with the Iron Fists")

But you can call him Jack...

Or the upcoming Robin Hood movie done by Guy Ritchie, which is rumoured to be setting the scene for a series of spin offs involving the various Merry Men. Whilst this is a terrible idea in theory, playing catch-up with Marvel and attempting to squeeze more money out of things, you could have a laugh with it: Maybe make a romantic comedy called "Red Letter Day", where Will Scarlet tries to win over a lady of high society by pretending to be a nobleman, with John Cussack as Will Scarlet.

Pictured: Actual scene

Or maybe the buddy cop adventures of Much the Miller's Son and Alan-a-Dale as they try to find fame and fortune in the big city whilst solving crimes, becoming a well-regarded detective agency but always struggling to make ends meet and hating having to be room mates. Working title:
"Much a-Dale about Nothing."

There are also further Star Wars movie spin offs on the horizon, such as the Han Solo movie, the upcoming "Rogue One" and a rumoured Boba Fett movie.
There are also rumours of a crossover between "Sinister" and "Insidious" (Insinister?) despite "Sinister 2" being worse than rabies on the scrotum and previous horror film crossovers ("Freddie Versus Jason" and "Alien Versus Predator") being both awful and not too successful.

But whilst these cynical attempts at expanded universes are bound to fail, why not actually do something with the latter idea? It's a problem of movies, but particularly horror films, that studios are not looking for good films, but the next big franchise. They want the next toy, the big monster they can plaster over things to "scare people" or the next superhero.
Since studios want a big poster/franchise monster, why not Stephen King's monsters?
He has been doing the expanded universe thing for a long, long time now. It's pretty well known that most of his novels have been set in Derry, Maine, which must be the unluckiest town since Swindon. Though there was a distinct ending to the town's chaos and depravity (more on that soon), almost all of his novels set there could feasibly happen in the same universe, due to the varying scale, tone, genre and (in a common but not unwarranted criticism) similar monsters/threats.
If you take short stories into account as well, there's a wealth of material there ripe for the picking (as told by the various movies and series made from the works) and King's nothing if not prolific. I love a bit of Stephen King, I have to admit, and studios love money/franchises.
So this would be the match for them. Why not? They're milking everything else dry, and with the aforementioned Dark Tower movie, it's only a matter of time.

Part One

To start with you'd have to keep it small scale, maybe make a simple one of his stories, set in Derry, Maine. You couldn't choose many of the later ones, and you couldn't use "Cujo", because one of the major characters of "Cujo" (spoiler, he dies) is a character in "The Dead Zone" and is mentioned in other works.

"Christine" works. John Carpenter already made a great adaptation of "Christine". For the unfamiliar, here is the set-up:
Possessed car is bought from old man by kid.
Done, easy. The car in the novel is possessed by the spirits of Roland LeBay's dead wife and daughter, and whoever owns/drives it begins to take on the man's vile personality. It's a pretty good novel, focusing on the corruption and deterioration of a young man, possessed by an evil force, which fights for his soul alongside the good people in its life. It'd make an interesting character story, and would help introduce the psychological and supernatural tones of King's work. The forces which cause the car to do this are only ever hinted at, never named, leading to set-up for the town of Derry itself. Your protagonists are normal people, they have their own lives, thus the "small town" can be established. You could drop hints throughout the film to a strange case going on alongside it, something weird in the neighbouring town, leading to the events of...

This novel was also adapted into a film, called "Silver Bullet" in the 80s, like "Christine". It's not a John Carpenter movie, but it's still pretty fun, even just for Gary Busey. This one would be a similar sort of tone to "Christine", where the former was a love story with strange goings on, this being a tale of a Marty Coslaw, a disabled boy, and his family's discomfort being around him, save for his cool uncle, Al, who is convinced that the string of brutal, horrific killings in the town are the result of a werewolf...
It's a pretty simple set-up, but tackled very well, in a typical King fashion. It has the town's loveable residents, each with their own quirks and lives and back-stories, facing off against this mythical creature as it stalks and murders them. Nobody wants to believe it, save this boy in the wheelchair, until it's too late. The protagonist is a positive role-model for disabled characters and his relationship with Al is sweet, and touching, and sets the tone for many character interactions in other books. Also, I imagined the town of Tarker's Mill as being very closeby to the town of...

Again, made into an okay movie. This one is probably one of the more famous Stephen King novels. The set-up is simple: Dr Louis Creed and his family move to Maine (see...) when he gets a job at their university, where they discover an old cemetery  tucked away in the woods behind their house, which (he is reliably informed by his loveable old neighbour Jud) was used by kids to bury their pets. Louis' wife Rachel is uncomfortable living there, naturally, especially since it means that she will have to discuss the subject of death with their son Gage. When their cat is run over and Gage is upset beyond belief, Jud takes Louis to "the real cemetrary" where he tells him to bury the cat...

The premise is nice, and it focuses on a small group of characters (Dr Creed, Rachel, Jud and Gage) without being part of the "small town" directly, though Jud grew up in such a town (Ludlow in this case) and could thus have stories or references to things such as Pennywise the Clown (from "It", my favourite Stephen King novel which itself contains references to many, many things in the King canon), the events of the Overlook Hotel in "The Shining" and a variety of other things, including the aforementioned Cycle of the Werewolf.
This is where things could also get interesting. In the novel, Dr Creed is visited by the spirit of one of his dead students, who warns him of the cemetery and its purposes. This is basically a simple haunting/visitation in the novel, but you could tie it in to the "Breaker" myths of the world (a key point of "The Dark Tower", referenced in "The Shining", "Insomnia", arguably in "The Dead Zone",  "Dr Sleep", "Everything's Eventual" and somewhat used in "Firestarter") by making the visitation something connected with Dr Creed and his "gift".
Breakers are those with psychic gifts, who are sought by dark forces who enslave them and put them to work for nefarious purposes in the events of "The Dark Tower" which I shall not get into here...
But they have to be introduced sooner or later, so why not here? In addition, "The Shop" could make their first appearance in these circumstances, though how would be strange.

See, that was one of the big problems I had with "The Shop", the sinister government agency who pop up in "Everything's Eventual", "Firestarter" and "Tommyknockers". They're supposed to be this big agency with funding and goals, but we never really see them go anywhere after those books. It's kind of a frustrating thing.

I'll leave it there for now, as we're about to get onto the big ones: "It", "The Dead Zone", "Firestarter" and "Needful Things" to name but four.

To be continued in further installments.

Read Along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 23

No blood sprayed.
From the man maybe. Take a shot.
In fact, the man didn't die.
That man maybe. Take a shot.
Rubber bullet.
Couldn't you have put the fact that this was a rubber bullet in a more eloquent way, Matthew? It also raises questions. I know that questioning the science of Warblers is akin to changing the water level of the Thames by pissing in it, but bear with me: If Wizard's device only affects the metal in the bullets, how and why? Surely the metal that the guns are made of would be affected too. Let's say that this is a size issue, surely other pieces of metal would be affected too? Has Wizard ever lost his keys as a result of a Warbler? If it doesn't affect the metal of the gun and other objects due to the make-up of the bullets being different, then that still doesn't make sense. Bullets are made of different metals and alloys, and shotguns have a lot of plastic in them. Would it work on shotgun rounds or tungsten shells? Do certain makes of revolver or automatic have different effects? With bullets, the case is the bit that is left and the shell the bit which hits somebody in a few cases, so how does it affect those? How does it affect revolvers? Does it affect crossbow bolts? How DOES it work exactly? Does it work on the same principles of chaff grenades?
Chaff grenades are a key plot point in another Matthew Reilly novel, by the way, operating the same way that they do in "Metal Gear Solid".
West fired another rubber round-similar to those used by the police in riot situations- at the next French paratrooper on the nearby crane, just as the Frenchmman pulled the trigger on his crossbow.
I am pleased that Reilly clarified the type of rubber bullets used. I would not put it past the child to make the others use Nerf guns in keeping with her child-like view of war and soldiers. It is always nice also to see the French played in a positive light.

An actual Frenchman, as pictured by Reilly.

West ducked and the arrow-bolt
Commit to the word Matthew, it is a bolt.
missed high, whilst his own shot hit its mark, sending the French commando sailing off the crane and into the lake, still crowded with panicking crocodiles.
Screams. Splashing. Crunching. Blood.

Blood?! Blood. Crimson, copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood... And a bit of sick.

Take some shots for those sentences.
'Move!' West called to his crew. 'Before they switch to rubber rounds too!'
Well, they will now that you've just yelled that across the cavern. It doesn't seem to be too big a deal though, as the French have already brought crossbows with them, for some reason. Were they expecting Warblers?
Now everyone in his team had their guns drawn and as they passed the crane's arm, they traded shots with the two dozen French paratroopers on it.
But they got past the crane just as fifteen French paratroopers came streaming off it, and headed down to Level 1-
I know that the reason narratively speaking for there being so many crossbow-wielding Frenchmen is for there to be a larger threat and more things for our bold heroes to shoot with their Nerf guns, but surely the arrival, transportation and movement of such a huge force is going to raise some eyebrows, or at the very least perturb a bureaucrat somewhere.

Level 1

-where they saw the Europeans' second effort to cut them off.
Down on the ground level, a team of German Army engineers had almost finished building a temporary floating bridge across the croc lake- in an attempt to get to West's manhole entrance on the southern side of the cavern before West and his team did.
I take back everything I said about the German army engineers. That is some impressive bullshit right there. Can the book be about them? They are far more interesting and the narrative could be a hard-edged thriller about differing viewpoints and egos coming to the surface over attempts to stop the Australian and his team. I call it: "Bridge Over the River Zwei."
Jeff Goldblum plays the bridge.
They had two segments of the bridge to put in place, segments that were being brought across the half-finished bridge right now.
"Go! Go! Go!" West called.
The flaming cavern -already alive with smoke and flames and burning boulders-

Oh my!

was now zinging with crossbow bolts and rubber bullets.
See, Reilly, you managed to call them bolts there.
The aluminium crossbow bolts were only mildly affected by the Warblers- they flew wildly, but their first few meters of flight were still deadly.
So, they ARE affected?
West's team was running across Level 1, racing the bridge-builders on ground level.
Big Ears carried Lily. West helped Fuzzy. Princess Zoe and Stretch fired at the paratroopers behind them while Wizard -coughing against the smoke- led the way, nullifying the traps ahead of them. Above them Horus soared through the hazy black air.
Was there enough room for them to shuffle along and pick up Fuzzy? Horus has the right idea here: flying to escape the plot. Take me with you, Horus!
They had just reached the ladder at the far right-hand end of Level 1 when suddenly a stray French crossbow bolt hit Big Ears in the shoulderblade, knocking him off his feet -causing him to stumble onto his face and...
... fall off the edge of the ledge, dropping Lily over it!
Edge of the ledge is my new band.
Lily fell.
Thirty feet.
The end.

Read-along Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 22

"It's this one!" she said, reaching down for the pendant she had just read.
West said, "Wait, are you sure-"
If I were to credit Reilly, I would do so with that little exchange. It perfectly illustrates how this is a child, rushing forth to a decision when she is swept up in the adventure, then brought back down to Earth by the advice of an adult whose life is in her hands.
Unfortunately, Reilly is not a good writer, so instead I shall infer from that exchange that these are two rather simple folk trying to solve a puzzle, akin to Laurel and Hardy being left in charge of a munitions supply, or Cheech and Chong in charge of dinner service at the Ritz. Come to think of it, this entire book is starting to sound like a Cheech and Chong adventure.
"Cheech and Chong and the Temple of Poon."
"Kingdom of the Jethro Tull."

They even have the headgear down to pat!

But she moved too quickly and lifted the golden pendant from its shallow recess on the Colossus/ neck.
Rebel.
This really is a Cheech and Chong movie.
The flaming drop-stone lurched.
West snapped up and winced, waiting for the end.
But the drop-stone didn't fall and -chunk!- suddenly his legs were released from their submerged socks.
I think that this writing has just taken on a metaphysical quality, reflecting its own awfulness back into the story. Ignore the shots needed for a moment, instead focus on how the false tension of the scene is transferred ironically onto West, as the system (for no discernible reason) decides to begin acting as if an incorrect decision was made, solely for the purpose of creating a false sense of drama and inevitable doom, when that effect would easily be replicated by playing the opening credits of "The Big Bang Theory" throughout the cavern and would make just as much sense as the trap doing what it just did. This Imhotep guy is kind of a dick, though what do you expect from The Mummy?
Lily had picked the right one.
This book will be the death of me.
She jumped happily back into his arms, holding the heavy golden trapezoid like a newborn baby. She threw him a winning smile.
We'll be the judge of that, Reilly.
"That felt really weird."
"It looked really weird," West said. "Well done, kiddo. Now, let's blow this joint."
Is this book just toying with me, now? Has self awareness grown beyond our comprehension? Is this being written by Sutter Cane? Is he having flashbacks to that time with Wizard, and the smoke inhalation is making him think he's still talking to Wizard or Fuzzy in his university dorm room?
We get it, Reilly, he's Australian.


The Outward Charge

Back they ran.
Take a shot.
West charged through the waist-deep oil pool, pushing hard with every stride, the torch-edged ceiling descending above him.
The only charge I want to see West participate in is The Charge of the Light Brigade. I apologize for bringing actual culture into this book. Maybe now West and every other character in this book will die a slow and painful death from syphilis.
They hit the floor of the entry hall as the lowering ceiling hit 70 centimetres in height.
Come on Reilly, it's bad form to switch between numbers and letters in sentences. I know that he tries to differentiate between the "humans" and the ceiling, but that sentence still makes me think that the torches are the subject and that they are the things which have entered the oil, thus killing these dick-bags, though I admit that this is probably wishful thinking on my part.
The smoke coming in from outside was now choking, dense.
Like this prose.
Lily crouch-ran across the wide -low-ceilinged space, while Horus swooped through the haze.
There was a lot happening in that sentence, it was really clunky to read. I am pretty sure that "ceilinged" isn't a real word. There is one high point in my opinion: Horus "swooping through the haze" is a great image, it sounds like a Grateful Dead album cover.

Now we know where Matthew got his inspiration...

West was the slowest, scrambling on all fours, slipping every which way in his oil-slicked boots, until at the very end of the chamber, as the ceiling became unbearably low, he dived onto his belly, sliding head-first for the entire last 4 metres, emerging just as the ceiling hit the floor with a resounding boom and closed off the Colossus' chamber.
A lot happened in that sentence. There were more commas than a primary school textbook exercise on how to write lists. There were so many commas that it made me ignore the fact that we have an oiled up Australian gliding like a Jamaican bobsled team whilst a hawk glides through smoke created by a burning boulder chamber filled with stone socks.
This has just turned around on itself and become amazing again. If I wanted a sentence which summed up Reilly as a writer whose ridiculousness becomes incredible genius of the highest, stupidest order, I would pick that one...
Is a sentence I would say, if we didn't have the rest of the book to read.
In addition to this, I have decided that Ainsley Harriott was the real identity of Imhotep V, based upon his fixation with oil.

The internet has done me proud.

Wizard was waiting for them outside on Level 4.
Okay, thanks Wizard, though even with the "warblers" I am pretty sure that some harm would have come to you by now. I am also pretty sure that the smoke and the haze pouring forth from the chamber is something of a common sight for Wizard and partly the reason he came along on this trip, so that he may hotbox some pyramids.
Hotboxing Pyramids is my new album.
"Hurry! Del Pierro's men have almost finished their crane- they'll be on Level 2 any second now!"
That piece of speech, as well as the line about Wizard being outside, made up an entire paragraph. I think that we can all agree that those two pieces of information warranted such an important break in the riveting narrative, giving us time to recover from the image of an oiled up Hugh Jackman through the haze.
Level 4

The other members of the team - Big Ears, Stretch, and Princess Zoe- were also waiting on Level 4, covering the first three traps on the way down.
So they just left Fuzzy, the wounded black guy, to die? I knew we could count on you to deliver us a nineties action movie, Matthew! It was also mighty decent of him to remind us who these characters were.
When he reached them, West handed Big Ears the priceless golden trapezoid, which the big man placed inside a sturdy backpack.
That's the team completely screwed now, it has been established that Big Ears is a retard. We're getting into slight spoilers here, but Princess Zoe would have been a better choice: she's competent. Why not Stretch, you ask? Well, therein lies the spoiler...
Down the giant rockwall they went, again in leapfrog formation, sliding down ladders, dancing across booby-trapped ledges, all the while dodging flaming waterfalls and fire-rain. Giant drop-stones now fell constantly from the upper regions of the cave, tumbling dangerously down the rockface, blasting through the smoke.
This should be an exciting image, something fun and dynamic, but he's thrown too much into too short a space, like emptying the drinks cabinet and fruit bowl into a single blender.
Level 3

West scooped up Fuzzy as they came to Level 3. "Come on, old friend," he said, hoisting the big Jamaican onto his shoulder.
It is good that Reilly has told us of their old friendship. Now we have an idea as to what these two characters want, a relationship between them. We know that West is concerned with Fuzzy's safety, which is why he left him alone when wounded, only to pick him up in his oily, Hugh Jackman arms when he found out that he was still alive and that it would thus be awkward to write Christmas cards to him. Who knows, maybe the rest of the book will explain their friendship, like how they came together during an operation, where West's lack of morality was tested by Fuzzy's devotion to a cause and an ideal and he managed to mellow out the man, or perhaps West too was an idealistic trooper, full of hope and joi de vivre, but whilst Fuzzy remained resilient and moral in the face of horror and adversity, West became broken, especially from the loss of his arm in an encounter. Fuzzy, consumed with guilt over what happened to his friend, joined him on this ridiculous expedition in an attempt to bring him back to the side of good, become his moral compass and help him to achieve enlightenment.

They ran down the sloping ledgeway, across the face of Level 3, covering their mouths to avoid inhaling the smoke.
With what? Their hands? West is hoisting a "big Jamaican" (I will not make a drug reference counter, as that would be a step too far) and his trying to navigate a narrow walkway whilst oiled up, he'll need a hand free, I'm pretty sure, and Fuzzy is going to be holding onto him, as well as trying to keep his footing and balance on this cliff face that Reilly has gone to great lengths to describe as narrow.
The Europeans had almost finished the crane by now.
Good to hear that Wizard wasn't lying.
It was lined with armed men, all waiting for the last piece of the crane to be screwed into place, thus giving them access to Level 2 - where they would cut off West and his team.
The last piece of the crane fell into place.
The Europeans moved.
Take a shot. It's yet another hastily written piece of pointlessness.
Level 2

West led the way now, leaping down onto Level 2 ahead of Fuzzy, where he landed like a cat -
- and was confronted by a crossbow wielding French paratrooper, the first member of the European force to step off the now finished crane.
So West isn't carrying his wounded friend anymore? What the hell, Hugh Jackman, I thought you were "old friends", this is how you treat them? How did you maneuver around him on that ledge and make the leap, to land like a cat, when it's narrow and you're still very much an oiled up man who has to be exhausted, whether or not you're one of the greatest soldiers in the world. Furthermore, why did the man bring a crossbow with him? Was he expecting a Warbler to be used? In which case, why did they fire with normal assault rifles, or even bring them altogether? Surely using crossbows would have been the first thing they would have done? If they weren't expecting warblers, then this trooper is just a special snowflake and wanted to be different, which means that West is doing battle with hipsters and I am thus genuinely torn. Whilst this is a battle between an elderly racist stoner and a his oiled up best friend with no morals and a group of logistically brilliant engineers and hipsters, Reilly cannot possibly make this work.
Quick as a gunslinger, West drew a Glock pistol from one of his thigh holsters, raised it and fired it at the French trooper at point-blank range.
And for some reason his bullet defied Wizard's Warblers and slammed into the Frenchman's chest, dropping him where he stood.
Take a shot for the weapon name-drop. Wizard's Warblers is my new band name. Ignoring the fact that a tired, crouching, oiled up arsehole managed to somehow draw his pistol that quickly, why wasn't it already drawn? Why haven't his friends helped out? Why hasn't the hiupster fired his crossbow?
Find out next time!

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 21

Then her eyes narrowed... and focused. They blazed in the firelight, scanning the ancient symbols closely now.
I wish I was blazed. Does this mean that she wasn't looking at these symbols properly before and is only now starting to look closely at them? I am getting the feeling that this girl may not be the perfect companion for such a quest...
To West, it seemed as if she had just entered a trance-like state.
Have you tried turning her off and on-
Actually, never mind.
Then the flaming drop-stone above him creaked again. He snapped to look up.
Take a shot.
The torch-riddled ceiling above the moat kept lowering. Smoke was now billowing into this area from the main cavern. West swivelled to see the entry chamber behind him getting smaller and smaller...
He can swivel? Does that not just make these stone socks pointless?

What I believe is happening in the cavern, leading to all of this smoke. Actually, it does make sense and give us a reason as to why Wizard  gives so few fucks.

Lily was still in her trance, reading the runes intently.
She is definitely feeling the effects of Wizard's magic herbs.
"Lily..."
"Just a second..."
Take two shots. Does anybody actually believe that West is going to die here, or that Lily isn't going to miraculously solve this puzzle? If I wanted tension from this situation, I could replicate it by doing a crossword on the toilet whilst my brother launched fireworks at me.
"We don't have a second, honey." He eyed the hazy, smoke-filled chamber closing behind them. The smoke was getting denser.
Then, abruptly, one of the flaming torches attached to the descending ceiling dislodged from its bracket...
Oh. No. The humanity. I wonder if he will escape.
... and fell.
Bravo, Reilly. Take a shot.
Down toward the oil moat where West stood helpless!
I am getting sick and tired of this style of writing. We know where West is and where the torch is going, why does Reilly keep feeling the need to tell us this? Unless West has actually burst free of the socks by transforming into a monkey, or Horus has freed him off screen, then I am pretty sure that he is still there.
"Oh, God no-" was all he had time to breathe.
He echoes our thoughts.

I made the same face when I saw "Project X"

The flaming torch dropped through the air, into the oil moat-
-before, six inches off the surface, it was plucked from the air by the swooping shape of Horus, his falcon.
Can we end the book there? Horus is the best.

How the movie would look, in my mind

The little bird gripped the flaming torch in its talons, before dropping it safely in the closing entry hall.
"Why don't you leave it to the last second next time, bird," West said.
Sitting now, Horus just returned his gaze, as if to say: Why don't you stop getting into stupid predicaments like this, human.
Horus is actually a man reincarnated as a bird, I am sure of it. Where is she sitting? On his shoulder? The relationship with his bird is the closest thing to any sort of character interaction for West, and Horus remains the best character throughout the entirety of the book. When the bird does something incredible, I believe it.
In the meantime, Lily's eyes glinted, staring now at the symbols on the rightmost of the three pendants:
There is also a diagram of the weird symbols here.
She read in a low voice:
"Beware. Atone
Ra's implacable Destroyer cometh
And all will cry out in despair,
Unless sacred words be uttered."
Then Lily blinked and returned to the present.
Wait, what? Did she just travel back in time simply by reading the notes on the wall? This just became the Butterfly Effect, probably as a result of that wizard weed and whatever is burning in that oil. The fumes from that thing must have more drugs than a night out in Plymouth...

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 20

Sorry about the delay, everybody, I have been most busy with work, life and other shenanigans. I have almost missed Matthew Reilly. 
So, when we last left our intrepid dick-bag, he was taking his little girl to a gigantic underground stone head which does not fill me with awe, fleeing Jesuits, abandoning his team of best friends, and still mourning the death of a supposedly beloved character who has been mentioned twice in fifty pages.
He had to take one more step forward to reach them and that meant triggering the final trap.

"Okay, kiddo. You ready to do your thing? For my sake, I hope you are."

The text got creepy, really quickly.
Take a shot.
"I'm ready," Lily said grimly.
She's so wise beyond her years.
And with that, West stepped forward and-
-chunk!-
-an unseen mechanism beneath the surface of the oil pool clamped tightly around his legs, pinning them in an ancient pair of submerged stone socks.
Hold up.
Take two shots for the italics, then we can talk about the mechanism. I understand that it is supposed to be a secret, but submerging it in oil cannot be good for it. I'm no engineer (and neither is Reilly) but would that mess with the mechanics of it? Sure, it keeps it well oiled, I guess, but why not have those drop stones from earlier? Or how about a trap which shows up later on, in the form of some cages? It has to be far more practical than "stone socks". Speaking of which, why didn't he call them "stone boots"? Stone boots are far cooler than stone socks.

Maybe he was being hip and down with the kids, and it was actually Emma Stone submerged under the water and holding Hugh Jackman hostage. Also, her bag looks like a ferret in this shot. Double also, there is a surprisingly large fetishistic sock community on the internet.

West was now immobile... within easy reach of the three pendants.
I would never have guessed. Thanks for clarifying that West can't just take the socks off.
"Okay, Lily," he said. "Go. Make your choice. And stay off me, in case you're wrong"
It'd be great if she just turned around and left.
Take three shots for the short sentences.
She leapt from his arms, onto the half-submerged collarbone of the great statue just as-
Whoosh!
A huge 10-ton drop-stone directly above West came alight with flames and... lurched on its chains!
So there are indeed drop stones? Okay, but how wide is the tunnel? If this thing is ten tons, it must be a pretty big rock in terms of width. If it's not, then it stands to reason that this thing is a gigantic rock-spear directly above their heads, placed like a column, though only designed to kill people standing at that exact spot where those stone socks (it gets stupider every time I say it) are placed. If they step around, over or between the socks, which is entirely likely, then it won't trigger. He also mentions that it is held in place by chains and on fire. Who designed this, Evel Knievel and some 14 year old metal fans? Were the previous rocks previously held in place by chains? How strong are the chains and what are they made of to have not rusted and still be able to hold this rock after hundreds of years?
This is starting to sound more and more like a gameshow, only one which is in its final series and resorting to more and more desperate tactics and gimmicks to avoid plummeting ratings.
Imhotep V's final trap in the quarry mine was what is known as a 'reward trap'.
By whom?
It allowed the rightful claimant to the Second Piece to have it, if they could identify the correct one.
Because these mercenaries are clearly the rightful claimants.
Choose the right 'pendant' and the flaming drop-stone remained in place an the submerged leg-clamps opened. Choose the wrong piece, and the drop-stone fell, crushing you and igniting the pool.
What if there's only one person here and they avoid the clamps? I know this trap is supposed to be epic, but surely this is a one-hit thing? A really mercenary, heartless person (like del Piero, apparently, or our protagonists) would simply trigger the trap and avoid the flames (or, you know, bring a fire extinguisher) and then make their way around the rock after it fell. Or maybe they could get some of those German engineers to tunnel through it.
Unless you need a diorite pick.
Twat.
Lily stared at the strange text on each pendant.

As the reader stared at the strange text on this page.

It looked extremely odd, this little girl evaluating the incredibly ancient symbols.
THAT is the oddest thing we have seen? I would credit that as being a joke, if this were written by someone better, like my neighbour, or the man I met in a pub who can't move his hands due to arthritis.
West watched her, tense, expectant... and suddenly worried.
"Can you read it?" he asked.
Well this would be a sterling time to discover that she can, in fact, not.
"It's different to the other inscriptions I've read..." she said distractedly.
I'd be amazed if it wasn't, Lily, because then you'd be at home, reading those, and not in a structurally impossible fire dungeon with a maniacal Australian and half of the European army. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, maybe she's actually struggling with a very complex languag which we have never been told of before, and is struggling largely due to the pressure of the situation, the language itself, and the fact that she is a child. She's clearly a genius to have been brought on this mission, traversing danger with hardened troops, so this is her time to shine.
"What-?" West blanched.
Abruptly Lily's eyes lit up in understanding. "Ahh, I get it. Some of the words are written vertically..."
We're doomed.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 19

Right in front of it, however, separating the great bronze head from the low-ceilinged entry hall, was a moat of perfectly calm crude oil that completely surrounded the Colossus' head.
The great god-sized head
You have small gods, Matthew. It's also a poor choice of description, as Gods are an indescribably thing, of great power and omnipotence. You may be trying to hint at the power possessed by this head, but [SPOILER] that is not actually within the head, so it renders such a point mute. Gods are enormous creature of myth, legend and splendour, whilst this is a gigantic head.
rose up from this oil pool like a creature rising from primordial slime.
Now he's mixing metaphors. Gods and evolution? It's good that Reilly's covering all of his bases.
It sat on no holy pedestal, no ceremonial island, no nothing.
Double negative. Take a shot. Or maybe Matthew's trying to add some philosophy into this?
Suspended above the pool was an extra problem: several flaming torches now blazed above it, lit by ancient flint-striking mechanisms.
Somebody was certainly blazing when this was written.
Take a shot for that obvious joke.
They hung from brackets attached to the end of the entry-hall's lowering ceiling-meaning that very soon they would touch the pool... and ignite it... cutting off all access to the Colossus' head.
This was WAY more patronising than usual. Take a shot. I do have a question: How far down do they go? There must be an optimum point for the torches to reach the oil without submerging themselves in it. A second question: despite the throwaway line of "flint-striking mechanisms", what lit these torches and how are they burning?  A third question:
Why?
"Time to run," West said.
"You bet, sir,"Lily replied.
That dialogue... I have no words for it. Its beauty, its elegance, its simple poetic nature has left me an incandescent fountain of inarticulate joy at the perfection of the written word.

They ran.
Take a shot. 
Are you enthralled, yet? 

Down the length of the entry hall, beneath its wide-lowering ceiling.
Smoke now began to enter the chamber from the outside, creating a choking haze.
I hope this isn't a comment on Fuzzy's activities...
They came to the oil moat.
Spread word, fair maidens! The travellers have come to the oil moat! Pray tell, what did they do there?
"If Callimachus is correct, it won't be too deep," West said.
Scratch that! I don't want to know!
I'm not going to make any jokes here, at this point where West is talking about depth to a girl he has taken into a darkened chamber.
Without missing a step, he plunged into the pool-plunging to his waist in the thick, goopy oil.
"Jump," he said to Lily, who obliged by leaping into his arms.
They waded across the moat of oil -West striding with Lily on his shoulders- while above them the fiery torches continued their descent toward the pool, the entry-hall's ceiling coming ever lower.
With his exit fast-diminishing, Jack West Jr. stopped a few yards short of the head of the Colossus of Rhodes.
Why did he use his full name here? And why did he give the head its full title? Does Reilly truly think that we have forgotten who this man is and what this enormous ("god-sized", remember)  head are?
Take a shot.
That being said, Jack West is hardly a memorable character, so I can forgive Reilly just this once.
It towered over him, impassive, covered in centuries of mud.
Much like interesting characters.
Each of its eyes was as big as Lily was.
That's... nice.
Its nose was as big as he was.
That's... nicer? Where are you going with this, Reilly? We know it's big, you have established this thrice now.
Its golden crown glimmered despite its mud coating, while three golden pendants hung from a chain around its neck.
The pendants.
Has Reilly just had a brain-wave and committed it to the page? Has he made a note here to put an important plot point in the pendants, and his editors have left it in?
Take a shot.
This is stupid.
They were each about the size of an encyclopedia and trapezoidal in shape.
Bullshit. Reilly's never read an encyclopedia.
Embedded in the exact centre of each pendant's upper surface was a rough diamond-like crystal.
I wonder if these are important...
On the front slanting side of each pendant was a series of intricately carved symbols: an unknown language that looked kind of like cuneiform.
In general, in a Reilly book, if there are details on something, then that thing is important to the plot. However, plot items will usually be discarded, unless they are guns, whereby they become literal Chekov's guns. It does bug me that he used "kind of like" as a descriptor. I get that he is trying to make it sound as if Jack West Jr. is thinking this, but it's so jarring to have that coming from this character in general, let alone from the prose.
It was an ancient language, a dangerous language, a language known only to a chosen few.
And now Jack West will sing a song for you! I would like to know how a language can be dangerous. Maybe rogue juxtaposition will come out of nowhere and bring an end to this nonsense...
West gazed at the three golden pendants.
Haven't we been assuming that he has been gazing at them all this time already, hence the pain-staking lengths to describe them and the aforementioned colloquial dialogue?
One of them was the Second Piece of the Golden Capstone, the mini-pyramid that had once sat atop the Great Pyramid of Giza.
I've seen this movie! It's The Mummy Returns! Seriously, there's that scene right at the end where the heroes are fleeing the death pyramid, and there's a diamond at the top, which Jonathan Carnahan picks up!

Just watch The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. They're practically the same as this, but more fun and with more John Hannah And more airships.

Sorry, you were discussing the key plot to the book.
Comprised of seven horizontal pieces, the Golden Capstone was perhaps the greatest archaeological artefact in history-and in the last month, it had become the subject of the greatest worldwide treasure hunt of all time. This piece, the Second, was the segment of the Golden Capstone that sat one place below the fabled First Piece, the small pyramid shaped pinnacle of the Capstone.
Fucking riveting. I'd never have guessed where it went in relation to the others. Aren't you glad Reilly rectified that?
Three pendants.
Take a shot.
But only one was the correct one.
And choosing the correct one, West knew, was a do-or-die proposition that all depended on Lily.
And then they died.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 18

There's a diagram, so take a shot. It also looks like it was drawn on a computer with clip-art and photo-shop, as opposed to actually sketched. Make of that what you will.

The Innermost Cave
That sounds like a horrible euphemism for lady parts, as well as a man's rectal cavern, so I'm counting that as:
Gay Porn Count: 28
And still the traps didn't stop.
Oh, goody. I was starting to think that you'd leave us hanging there, Matthew, what with all of the safety and respite we've had so far... Take a shot.
A wide low-ceilinged chamber met them: its ceiling was maybe two metres off the floor... and getting lower.
How does this mechanism work?  Is it like "Mouse Trap", whereby the ceilings are connected to different mechanisms and these are, in turn, connected to the "Master Snare" we have already encountered? Is the entire ceiling of the chamber like this? I don't think it is, so if so, why not? These things are, thankfully, never explained. But we do learn Lily's favourite book and what kind of guns the henchmen have.
The chamber was about thirty metres wide and its entire ceiling was lowering!
REPETITION!
Take a shot. If there was a prize for superfluous prose of a pathetic kind, permanently present in epidemic proportions whilst purporting to be a poetic piece of perfection from the proactive pen of a prolific pastor of pulp, then Reilly would at the very least be in the running.
The prick.
It must have been one single piece of stone and right now it was descending on the chamber like a giant hydraulic press.
If they'd had time to browse,
What is this, a tourist attraction? You're in the bowels of an ancient temple seeking a giant head, not Alcatraz. "Browse" is a weird choice of word.
West and Lily would have seen that the chamber's walls were covered with images of the Great Pyramid - most of them depicting the famous pyramid being pierced by a ray of light shooting down from the sun.
Illuminati confirmed.
I wish I was joking.

I love her.

Do we really need the detail of the walls being emphasises so much? I know it's a throwaway line, but there was no need for him to use italics there. I do, however, like how he refers to the Great Pyramid (one of the most famous pieces of construction in the world and the only ancient wonder remaining) as the "famous" pyramid.
As opposed to the non-famous ones, I suppose? Mayan or Incan, perhaps...
But it was what lay beyond the entry chamber that seized West and Lily's attention.
He's reused "seized" again here. It's a little more appropriate than last time, but it looks like he's fired his cylinders too early in the synonym department.
That is also my band name: Synonym Department. Or maybe "Department of Synonyms", so that we could go under the shortened "DOS". Our music would be bluegrass electronica rave gangsta-rap.
Oh, yes, Matthew Reilly was describing something important. I'm sorry.
At the far end of the wide entry chamber, in a higher-ceilinged space, stood a giant mud covered head.
Is this going to become Planet of the Apes? Because I could get down with that!
The head was absolutely enormous, at least sixteen feet high, almost three times as tall as West.

The culprit.

He's at least given us West's height, in a roundabout way, which I suppose I should thank him for. Any bets on what it will be?
1. The set decoration of "Return to the Planet of the Apes"
2. The Colossus of Rhodes.
3. Underrated rap mastermind Bubba Sparxxx

The winner gets to listen to some Bubba Sparxxx. He's awesome.
The loser gets to listen to some Bubba Sparxxx. He's awesome.

Despite the layer of mud all over it, its features were stunning: the handsome Greek face, the imperious eyes, and the glorious crown fitted above its forehead.
Alright, gay.
It was the head of a colossal bronze statue.
A... COLOSSUS bronze statue, if you will!

The most famous bronze statue in history.
Arnold's statue from "Around the World in 80 Days?"
It was the head of the Colossus of Rhodes.
NOBODY SAW THAT COMING!

Sorry for the shorter update than usual. It's been a while since I picked up this book and I feel it better to ease myself back into it rather than dive into idiocy.
Dive into idiocy is also the first album from "Department of Synonyms."