Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 18

There's a diagram, so take a shot. It also looks like it was drawn on a computer with clip-art and photo-shop, as opposed to actually sketched. Make of that what you will.

The Innermost Cave
That sounds like a horrible euphemism for lady parts, as well as a man's rectal cavern, so I'm counting that as:
Gay Porn Count: 28
And still the traps didn't stop.
Oh, goody. I was starting to think that you'd leave us hanging there, Matthew, what with all of the safety and respite we've had so far... Take a shot.
A wide low-ceilinged chamber met them: its ceiling was maybe two metres off the floor... and getting lower.
How does this mechanism work?  Is it like "Mouse Trap", whereby the ceilings are connected to different mechanisms and these are, in turn, connected to the "Master Snare" we have already encountered? Is the entire ceiling of the chamber like this? I don't think it is, so if so, why not? These things are, thankfully, never explained. But we do learn Lily's favourite book and what kind of guns the henchmen have.
The chamber was about thirty metres wide and its entire ceiling was lowering!
REPETITION!
Take a shot. If there was a prize for superfluous prose of a pathetic kind, permanently present in epidemic proportions whilst purporting to be a poetic piece of perfection from the proactive pen of a prolific pastor of pulp, then Reilly would at the very least be in the running.
The prick.
It must have been one single piece of stone and right now it was descending on the chamber like a giant hydraulic press.
If they'd had time to browse,
What is this, a tourist attraction? You're in the bowels of an ancient temple seeking a giant head, not Alcatraz. "Browse" is a weird choice of word.
West and Lily would have seen that the chamber's walls were covered with images of the Great Pyramid - most of them depicting the famous pyramid being pierced by a ray of light shooting down from the sun.
Illuminati confirmed.
I wish I was joking.

I love her.

Do we really need the detail of the walls being emphasises so much? I know it's a throwaway line, but there was no need for him to use italics there. I do, however, like how he refers to the Great Pyramid (one of the most famous pieces of construction in the world and the only ancient wonder remaining) as the "famous" pyramid.
As opposed to the non-famous ones, I suppose? Mayan or Incan, perhaps...
But it was what lay beyond the entry chamber that seized West and Lily's attention.
He's reused "seized" again here. It's a little more appropriate than last time, but it looks like he's fired his cylinders too early in the synonym department.
That is also my band name: Synonym Department. Or maybe "Department of Synonyms", so that we could go under the shortened "DOS". Our music would be bluegrass electronica rave gangsta-rap.
Oh, yes, Matthew Reilly was describing something important. I'm sorry.
At the far end of the wide entry chamber, in a higher-ceilinged space, stood a giant mud covered head.
Is this going to become Planet of the Apes? Because I could get down with that!
The head was absolutely enormous, at least sixteen feet high, almost three times as tall as West.

The culprit.

He's at least given us West's height, in a roundabout way, which I suppose I should thank him for. Any bets on what it will be?
1. The set decoration of "Return to the Planet of the Apes"
2. The Colossus of Rhodes.
3. Underrated rap mastermind Bubba Sparxxx

The winner gets to listen to some Bubba Sparxxx. He's awesome.
The loser gets to listen to some Bubba Sparxxx. He's awesome.

Despite the layer of mud all over it, its features were stunning: the handsome Greek face, the imperious eyes, and the glorious crown fitted above its forehead.
Alright, gay.
It was the head of a colossal bronze statue.
A... COLOSSUS bronze statue, if you will!

The most famous bronze statue in history.
Arnold's statue from "Around the World in 80 Days?"
It was the head of the Colossus of Rhodes.
NOBODY SAW THAT COMING!

Sorry for the shorter update than usual. It's been a while since I picked up this book and I feel it better to ease myself back into it rather than dive into idiocy.
Dive into idiocy is also the first album from "Department of Synonyms."

Update

Dear reader (for there is only one)

I am sorry for the lack of updates recently regarding "Seven Ancient Wonders", though I am only sorry that you do not share my pain. I have been very busy at work, due to it being the Summer holidays, and thus have been unable to share the horrors of Riley.

I have found somebody worse.

He will appear at some point in the future, me having found his books in a charity shop and picking them up on a whim, being somehow drawn to them, like a dark magnet of ineptitude...
The one I picked up is part 5 (FIVE!) in a series of 12 (TWELVE!) novels thus far. Whilst Riley will keep his books self contained, with arcs and some sort of semblance of internal logic (that logic being action movie parodies), this man does not. They read like stuff happening because he wants it to, with no real rhyme or reason to it and stars a collaboration of thinly sketched caricatures with more ridiculous names than Riley's, if that were possible, who embark upon  Darren Brown-esque shenanigans, without the grand set-pieces and sheer insanity of Riley's works. They take themselves too seriously too, which is always a bad thing.

I will be busy for a while, so if there are no updates for a while, then you know why.

Again, my apologies.

As compensation, here are hints of what is to come:

1. Marshall Judah, the least ridiculous antagonist in the Jack West series (seriously). I also apologise in advance for the jokes I make.

2. Connections to the Schofield universe.

3. BETRAYAL!

4. A piece of transportation so ridiculous that it defies even Riley's works, transcends stupidity and becomes incredible.

5. BETRAYALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

6. Guantanamo Bay.

7. Jack West's past.

8. Betrayal.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 17

Let's just get this chapter over with. The prologue of this book goes on for 28 more pages, which makes for a prologue of 72 pages. The book itself is 462 pages long.
A prologue is supposed to be a short, snappy thing to get somebody invested, or to set up a central mystery in the novel. By instead choosing to start this tale in media reas by thrusting us into an action scene where he is hurriedly trying to add some sort of context and character, in a desperate attempt to make us care and have this entire prolonged sequence matter, Reilly has instead set himself a bar which he never surpasses in terms of action and pacing. This entire sequence also adds nothing to the story in terms of plotting or character, so actually makes one wonder why he started here, of all places. We don't care about the characters, as we have not had enough time to get to know them. So if/when they die in this segment, there is no impact.
Fucking Reilly.
The final wall-ladder was embedded in the centre of the Scar itself, flanked by two fiery waterfalls.
Wizard erected another awning over the mini-ledge leading to the ladder, then allowed West and Lily to rush past him.
I thought that we had established that these were "mini" ledges?
"Remember," Wizard said "if you can't get the Piece itself, you must at least note the inscription carved into it, okay?"
"Got it." West turned to Lily. "It's just us from here."
Take three shots. I can't be bothered any more.
Also, when you see how large the Piece is, you'll be sighing at the stupidity surrounding the idea of just taking it.
They crossed the mini-ledge, came to the rough stone-carved ladder.
Drops of fire rained down on it, bouncing off their fireman's helmets.
We've already established that the fire does nothing to them due to their fireman's helmets, so why is he bringing it up again?
Every second or third rung of the ladder featured a dark, gaping wall hole of some kind,
Gay porn count: 25
which West nullified with 'expand and harden' foam.
Gay porn count: 26. Keep that tension coming, Matthew.
"Jack! Look out! More drop-stones!" Wizard called.
West looked up. "Woah, shit...!"
Jack West is a genius. When I'm told that there are things falling from a great height, I don't move out of the way, oh no. That's not THE JACK WEST WAY!
Never do anything the "West Way".
Unless, of course, moving to the West is the only way to avoid something, in which case, carry on. You'd be an idiot not to. Like Jack West Jr.

Moving on.

A giant drop-boulder
Why call them "drop-boulders"? Surely "boulder" will do? Anyway, I thought they were "drop-stones"?
Fuck it.
slicked with oil
Gay porn count: 27
and blazing with flames came roaring out of a recess in the ceiling directly above the ladder and came free-falling towards him and Lily.
"Swear jar..." said Lily.

"I'll have to owe you."
They have this conversation BEFORE moving?
West quickly yanked an odd-looking pistol from his belt - it looked like a flare gun, with a grossly oversized barrel. An M-225 handheld grenade launcher.
Take a shot for the equipment porn.
Then vomit up that shot, because that grenade launcher pistol does not exist.
Without panic, he fired it up at the giant boulder free-falling towards them.
The grenade shot upwards.
The boulder fell downwards.
Thanks for that.
This may be the most ridiculous moment so far, and let's not forget that Wizard and West have deflected bullets with science.
Then they hit and -BOOM!- the falling boulder exploded in a star-shaped shower of shards and stones, spraying outward like a firecracker, its pieces sailing out and around West and Lily on the ladder!
Take two shots.
BULL
SHIT.
They would be stone-cold fucking dead. Even if they weren't, the shock would leave them with sound ringing in their ears and they'd be stunned for a while, long enough for another boulder to land on their head. Or for a European to throw a rock at them. Or a hand grenade, because those don't seem to be affected by the Warblers, since West's grenade gun wasn't. And don't tell me that the Europeans don't have rocket or grenade launchers, as that is also false. For one thing, they use them later.
Maybe we'd be better following a more interesting hero in the novel. Horus, perhaps.
Let's just move on from West detonating boulders with his imaginary grenade pistol (Which, by the way, he never again uses for the rest of the novel) and hopefully finish this damned chapter.
West and Lily scaled the rest of the ladder, flanked by flames, until finally they were standing at the top of the Scar, at the top of the giant rockface, past all the traps.
Clarification three times? Three shots!
They stood before the trapezoidal door at the peak of the fire-filled cavern.
"Okay kiddo, you remember everything we practised?"
She loved it when he called her kiddo.
Great? Of all of the things to develop characters with, and of all the things to use, you choose this? It just makes her sound more saccharine and annoying as a character than it did before. It's also a weird thing coming out of West's mouth.
Yes, I get that the point is for there to be a dichotomy between "West the Mysterious Soldier" and "Awwwwww, West the Father Figure to this ADOOOOORRRRRRRABLE Girl!", but I'm not biting, Reilly.
Fuck you.
"I remember, sir," she said.
And with a final nod to each other, they entered the holy inner sanctum of Imhotep V's deadly labyrinth.
Why doesn't he capitalise "inner sanctum", is it not important enough? He's capitalised everything else so far.

I don't even care anymore.
It gets stupider from this point (well, stupider than grenade pistols, exploding rocks, falcons, bullet deflectors and bridge building German brigades anyway), so I'll leave it for a while. I promise I'll get back to this.
Unfortunately.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 16

The spectacle of Imhotep's Master Snare going off was sensational.
Allow us to infer that from your descriptions, Matthew. Do not tell us what things are supposed to be like if you cannot describe them as that.
Also, gay porn count: 23. I don't want to know what Imhotep's "Master Snare" is, and I certainly don't want to be there when it goes off.
Blasting streams of black crude oil shot out from the hundreds of holes that dotted the cavern: holes in the rockface and its side walls.
OIL! Now we know why the Americans are headed here...

Dozens of oil waterfalls flowed down the rockface, cascading over its four levels. Black fluid flowed out from the sidewalls, falling a clear 200 feet down them into the croc lake.
Black fluid? You can say "oil", Matthew.
The crocs went nuts, scrambling over each other to get away from it - disappearing into some little holes in the walls or massing on the far side of the lake.
The crocs went nuts? Is this the Australian in him coming out?

In some places of the great tiered rockface, oil came spurting out of the wall, forced out of the small openings by enormous internal pressure
Gay porn count: 23.
Worst of all, a river of the thick black stuff came pouring down the main course of the Scar, a vertical cascade that tumbled down the vertical riverbed, overwhelming the trickle of water that had been running down it.
Down the vertical shaft, with a vertical trickle of water, with a vertical action, down the vertical wall. I honestly don't think that the worst thing to happen here is a river of oil. I have many, many more suggestions of what could happen:
1. Pirate attack
2. The oil could be falling from the ceiling.
3. The walkway could collapse
4. The oil could be on fire.
5. Horus could be dead.

This man's music could be playing. Although, this scene would be made a lot better if "How Can We Be Lovers if we Can't be Friends?" was playing.

And then the clicking started.
Take a shot. Can you guess what is going to happen next?
The clicking of many stone-striking mechanisms mounted above the wall holes.
Striking mechanisms made of flint.
Colour me amazed. Take a shot.
Striking mechanisms that were designed to create sparks and...
WE GET IT!
Just then, a spark from one of the flints high up on the left side wall touched the crude oil flowing out from the wall-hole an inch beneath it.
The result was stunning.
Take a shot. Why do you keep doing this, Matthew? Why do you hurt me so?

The superthin waterfall of oil became a superthin waterfall of fire...
... then this flaming waterfall hit the oil-stained lake at the base of the cavern and set it alight.
Matthew. Please. you sound more and more like an excitable 8 year old on a sugar rush.
The lake blazed with flames.
The entire cavern was illuminated bright yellow.
The crocs screamed, clawing over each other to get to safety.
Then more oilfalls caught alight -some on the sidewalls, others on the rockface and, finally, the great sludge waterfall coming down the Scar- until the entire Great Cavern looked like Hell itself, lit by a multitude of blazing waterfalls.
Say what you like about that scene, "Blazing Waterfalls" is a great name for a heavy metal album. Though, I have to admit, that is a pretty cool image that he's conjured up right there.
Thick black smoke billowed everywhere - smoke which had no escape.
This was Imhotep's final masterstroke.
If the fire and traps didn't kill you, smoke inhalation would, especially in the highly prized upper regions of the cavern.
Highly prized? Why? This trap is also overdoing it a little bit. It also further undermines West's obsession with "the rules" (I'm sorry, that still really pisses me off), because how can one follow "the rules" when the entire place is rigged to kill you anyway? It's not a battle of wits, it's like an unused trap from the Saw movies.
"Fools!" del Piero raged. Then to his men: "What are you standing there for? Finish the crane! You have until they get back to the Second Level to do so!"
He's still my favourite character.
After Horus.
West's team was now moving faster than ever, leapfrogging each other beautifully amid the subterranean inferno.
That's a good sentence, I'll let that slide.
Up the rockface they went, first to the left along the Second Level, crossing the left arm of the Scar before the thick fire-waterfall got there, dodging wall-holes, jumping gaps in the ledge, nullifying the traps inside the arched forts that straddled the narrow walkway.
And you've buggered up, again, Matthew. I know you want to keep the pace quite fast, but that sentence was all too brief.

Why, Matthew? Why?
(Also, that woman is Kyoko Koizumi, an amazing actress who was in "Tokyo Sonata", which is a fantastic film that you could be watching instead of reading this)

Droplets of fire were now raining down all around them -spray from the oilfalls- but the fiery orange drops just hit their firemen's helmets and rolled off their backs. Then suddenly West's team ran past the unfinished arm of the Europeans' crane and, for the first time that day, they were in front.
In the lead in this race.
Take a shot. GOD DAMN IT MATTHEW! WE GET IT!
Up the wall-ladder at the end of Level 2, on to Level 3, where they ran to the right, avoiding some chute-traps on the way and coming to the fiery body of the Scar. Here, West fired an extendable aluminium awning into the Scar's flame-covered surface with his pressure gun.
It's tenuous, but I'm making that "pressure gun" reference our 24th count of gay references.
The awning opened lengthways like a fan, causing the fire waterfall to flow over it, sheltering the mini-ledge. The team bolted across the superthin ledge.
Again, I'm going to have to halt you there, Matthew.
Aluminium (I'm glad that you haven't used the American spelling "aluminum") melts at 660 degrees Celsius. That is fairly hot.
The wall of infernal, ungodly crude oil raining down upon that awning?
That is a bit hotter.
Now, granted, it will take a little while to truly melt through the awning (Who carries an "awning gun" anyway? I'm pretty sure that they don't exist...), but the sheer force of heat will make going through that a tad difficult, especially if the ledge really is as narrow as he makes out, and they are clambering up a ladder to get to the next level, slowing them down considerably.
Then it was up another ladder to the Fourth Level -the second highest level- 
You've stated before that it is 5 levels high, Matthew. Our attention spans are not those of the average "Smurfs 2" viewer.
and suddenly six 10-ton block boulders started raining down on them from way up in the darkness above the giant rockface.
But Matthew's, it seems, is.

One day, we shall not have to read this. One day...

The great blocks boomed as they landed on the diorite ledge of Level 4 and tumbled down the rest of the tiered wall.
"Get off the ladder!" West yelled to the others.
This is the most sensible thing he has done. It is also an incredibly obvious thing to do, however, so it disqualifies him from "World's Greatest Leader" this year.
"You can't dodge the boulders if you're on it-"
I think that I now know what degree West got, and it was clearly at the university of Plymouth.
Too late.
Take a shot.
As West called his warning, a boulder smacked horribly into the last man on the ladder, Fuzzy. The big Jamaican was hurled back down the rockface.
Dead.
He's so dead.
He landed heavily on the Third Level -setting off a trap of spraying flaming oil (it looked like a flamethrower) but he snap-rolled away from the tongue of fire- 
NO!
You cannot firstly have the character survive that, then be in perfect physical condition, then add that pathetic, fucking stupid fucking hopelessly fucking shitty childish description in brackets! I'd missed that bracketed phrase on my first re-reading of this, truth be told, and now that I've noticed it, it gets more annoying the more that I look at it.
Why is Fuzzy the last on the ladder? Did Lily slow him down? Is he weighed down with the seemingly endless supply of equipment that he is carrying? Did wizard force him to stay at the back? How is he able to avoid a trap like that by simply rolling? How is he able to roll when he's just been hit by an enormous boulder? Why isn't Fuzzy just a smear of Jamaican jam?
Maybe these questions were about to be answered just before I rudely interrupted. I'm sorry, Matthew, please continue
in the same motion avoiding a second boulder as it slammed down on the ledge an inch away from his eyes!
Fuck you Reilly.

His roll took him off the ledge, but Fuzzy managed to clasp onto the edge with his fingertips, avoiding the 30-foot drop down to Level 2.

I'm leaving it there, this week. There's more on the next page, but we've been going for long enough. The next entry will be a short one, as we've only a page and a half to cover, before we get onto more stupidity.
We're only 44 pages in.
44 pages.

Read along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 15

The Seven hit the base of the rockface. 
The building-sized wall towered above them, black as the night.
Big Ears had already done his work, disabling two hand-chopping traps halfway up the rock-cut ladder.
More excitement, only this happens off screen! This just gets better and better.
Now Princess Zoe leap-frogged ahead. She moved with great athleticism, easily the match of the men.
Did she literally leap-frog? I know that they're having their actions and style dictated by an annoying child, but this is ridiculous. The fact that Reilly has to point the athleticism of the character out is a testament not only to his piss-poor writing ability, being yet another example of telling us rather than showing us, but is also a little suspicious and patronising. Is he implying that ladies are lesser than gentlemen in other circumstances, and that this is an exception which proves the rule?
He can't write male characters, let alone female ones of any substance or depth. The closest we get is this:
About 30, she had shoulder-length blonde hair, freckles, and the luminous blue eyes at only Irish girls possess.
Only Irish girls possess? Reilly mustn't be very well travelled. I suppose we should be thankful that he didn't make Zoe and Big Ears redheads...
Onto the First Level she flew, raising two aerosol cans as she did so, filling two wall holes with a dense expanding foam.
EXTREME GRAFFITI! And did she actually fly?

Radical, Reilly, Radical.
This reference was also compulsory. I'm a little disappointed that it has taken me 15 entries to insert an Avril Lavigne reference.

Whatever evils were in those wall holes were caught by the foam and neutralised.
That's the end of that then.
Expanding foam is the way to defeat all evils, you heard it here first, folks!
Fire? FOAM!
Crocodiles out for blood? FOAM!
Spikes and boiling oil? FOAM!
Cthulhu? FOAM!
No sooner had she done this than she was leapfrogged by the seventh member of the group, the tall, thin trooper named Stretch. Once known as Archer, he had a long, sanguine, bony face. He hailed from the deadly Israeli sniper unit, the Sayeret Matkal.
From my research, the Sayeret Matkal isn't a dedicated sniper unit, it's a reconnaissance and intelligence gathering unit modelled upon the SAS and engaging largely in counter-terrorism works. Emphasis in training is on small arms, reconnaissance, martial arts, camouflage, navigation and intelligence gathering skills, as well as other essential abilities for surviving behind enemy lines, after the unit was re imagined as a commando squad in the 1970s. It's notable for its members not wearing any kind of insignia, which ironically denotes and identifies them as members of the Sayeret Matkal.
Yes, snipers are involved in the army and trained in units, but the Sayeret Matkal is not a dedicated sniper outfit. Stretch is more likely a trained sniper hand picked for the Sayeret Matkal, or a man who joined it and later applied to be a sniper, displaying a natural aptitude for it. I don't proclaim to be an expert, but from what little knowledge I have, the research I have done and how I have been informed special forces and selection for such groups works (by friends in the Armed Forces), this is how I believe it goes down.
A better choice of "mysterious unit" for Stretch to have worked for would have been Kidon, the secretive branch of Mossad, upon whom information is scarce, and thus he could have invented anything. Or even better, he could have chosen the Shaldag Unit, who are known to carry Mauser SR 82/66 sniper rifles (continuing with his gun porn theme) and are the commando force based within the Israeli airforce, the significance of which will become apparent later on when we deal with the team's most retarded member (as if these guys weren't bad enough...).
I'm sorry for that miniature rant, I didn't mean for it to go on for so long, considering my limited knowledge of military workings, but I've not called out Reilly on his misinformation for some time now, and what better time to do it?
Stretch arrived at the right-side arm of the Scar, where he triggered a huge trap from a safe distance: a bronze cage that fell out of a dark recess in the Scar and clattered down into the lake.
How did he trigger it? Did he shoot it?
Had any of the team been walking along the foot-wide mini-ledge in front of the recess, the cage would have caught them and taken them down to the lake, to be either eaten by the crocs or drowned under the weight of the cage itself.
Oh, I wonder if this will be a trap which affects the enemy forces? Is this exciting yet?

Now West and Lily took the lead, crossing the mini-ledge across the Scar, stepping out onto the centre section of the First Level.
Here they found the trigger-stone for the Master Snare at the base of the wall-ladder leading up to Level 2. West made to step on it-
"Captain West!"
No, this is not a sensible character warning West to heed the warnings in the book so far, this is something actually kind of stupider.
West froze in mid-stride, turned.
Del Piero and his troops were staring up at him from the base of their half-finished crane, holding their useless guns stupidly in their hands.
Now, that's just childish.
He also missed an opportunity to tell him that he looked: WEST!
"Now, Captain West, please think about this before you do it!" del Piero called. "Is it really necessary? Even if you trigger the Master Snare, you are only postponing the inevitable. If you do somehow get the Piece, we'll kill you when you try to leave this mountain. And if you don't, my men will just return after the Snare has run its course and we will find the head of the Colossus and the piece of the Capstone it contains. Either way, Captain, we get the piece."
I like del Piero. He is the only character in the entire book thus far to speak any kind of sense, or to have any logical thought. His plan is exactly what anybody would do in this situation, and is the safest course of action for all concerned. Why trigger the traps and get people killed, when you can let the psychopathic assholes trigger it, then just murder/beat up them and take the thing you need?
I wish del Piero was the hero of this book.
West's eyes narrowed.
Take a shot. Can they narrow anymore?
Still he didn't speak.
Take a shot. That sentence is also out of place, because we've heard him speak, only a few pages ago.
Del Piero tried Wizard:
That sounds like he's taking some hip new street drug.
"Max. Max. My old colleague, my old friend. Please. Reason with your rash young protege."
Take three shots. I would pick him up on that exposition-like dialogue, but del Piero is still far more sensible and likeable than our protagonists, so I'll let it go.
Wizard just shook his head. "You and I chose different paths a long time ago, Francisco. You do it your way. We'll do it ours. Jack. Hit the trigger."
West just stared evenly down at del Piero.
"With pleasure." He said,
And with that, he stomped on the trigger stone set into the floor at his feet, activating the Master Snare.
Fuck's sake West.
Take 6 shots for those sentences, two thirds of which are from Wizard's "dialogue" alone. Take another 5 shots for West's monumental arrogance and stupidity. "Oh look at me! I'm untamed and will beat the traps!" He does things solely because it's the opposite of what del Piero wants. He's like a child throwing a temper tantrum, and I can only react thus:

Fuck you, Jack West Junior, and see you next week.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 14

Wizard popped out of the manhole, his grenade launcher raised.
I thought that you said it only looked like a grenade launcher? I know it's easier to call it a grenade launcher now, but you don't get off scott-free for doing it, Reilly.
He fired it three times, each shot emitting a loud puncture-like phump.
Phump!-Phump!-Phump!
I love our little talks, Reilly. You're like an overly excited child telling us what he did today.
The rounds that pumped out of the grenade launcher looked like grenades, but they weren't grenades - fat and round and silver, they fanned out to three corners of the giant cavern, little red pilot lights on them blinking.
These are the Warblers.
They are stupid.
The Europeans heard the first shot and by the third they had located Wizard.
And then they riddled him with bullets.

If only

A French sniper on the cabin of the crane swung his rifle round, drew a bead on Wizard's forehead, and fired.
His bullet went haywire.
It peeled downwards almost as soon as it left the barrel of the Frenchman's rifle - where it struck an unfortunate croc in the head, killing it instantly.
The "Warblers" at work.
As if we couldn't have guessed that, Matthew. And take a shot for the haywire sentence.
The three odd-looking rounds that Wizard fired were more formally known as Closed Atmospheric Field Destabilisers (Electromagnetic), but everyone just called them "Warblers".
One of Wizard's rare military inventions, the Warblers created a magnetic field that disrupted the flight of high subsonic metal objects -specifically bullets- creating a gunfire free zone.
So, there are magnetic fields in these things which only affect bullets? How does that work? This is one of the more fantastical aspects of the book (especially considering that after "Contest" and "Temple", Matthew has seemingly ditched outright science fiction elements from his works) and falls immediately at the first hurdle. Also, the final part of that sentence is soon contradicted, so take a shot.
Wizard, one of the leading experts in electromagnetic applications, had sold the revolutionary technology to Raytheon in 1988 for $25 million, most of which went to the New York venture capital company that bankrolled his research. Walking away with only $2 million, Wizard had sworn to never again work with venture capitalists.
Those venture capitalists. Bourgeoise scum.

Wizards: Heroes of the people, leaders of the revolution!

Ironically, the US army - as always, thinking it knew better- ordered Raytheon to rework the Warbler system, creating huge problem that had stalled the programme for over fifteen years. It had yet to enter active service.
That's not irony, Matthew.
Naturally, Wizard - a Canadian, not an American- had kept a few working prototypes for himself, three of which he was now using.
Not American. Take a shot for the clarification. Those blasted Canadians!

The Seven burst out from their manhole, one after the other, moving fast, heading for the nearest embedded ladder up to the first level.
Oh good. I thought they'd come out in one go, like a Laurel and Hardy sketch.
As he ran in the middle of the group, West set Horus free and the little peregrine falcon soared above the forward moving group.
Oh yes! The best character has been unleashed! The Europeans stand no chance now! The book has radically changed pace and become a totally different genre. Alright Matthew, I'm back on board!

The life and times of Horus.

The Jamaican, Fuzzy, led the way - dancing along a narrow stone walkway that lay flush against the right-hand wall of the cavern. Pushed up against the walkway's low edge was a crush of crocodiles.
We've not forgotten who Fuzzy is, Matthew, you've introduced us to him twice already. Take a shot.
Fuzzy held in is hands a lightweight titanium bar welded in the shape of an X.
They're about to bypass another trap. Oh, I'm sorry, if that against the rules?! Fuzzy must have a pocket dimension on his belt.
Halfway along its length, the walkway ended briefly at a small void. In the centre of this void was a raised square stepping-stone that also stood flush against the wall and an inch above the croc-filled water. Cut into the stone wall immediately above this stepping-stone was a dark hole about a metre in diameter.
Take a shot for the italics. Why is that word made prominent? Are we supposed to be surprised at this? Are we supposed to be shocked that it isn't to the left or right of the stone?
Fuzzy didn't miss a beat.
I'd hope not, what with all of the "dancing" they've been doing along these edges. Take a shot.
He leapt from the walkway onto the stepping stone -
- and immediately heard a rush of water from up inside the wall hole, accompanied by a low crocodilian growl- 
- at which point he jammed his titanium X-bar into the wall-hole and hit a switch on the bar.
Thwack!
That was the sound of West's team breaking "the rules".
So, avoiding the traps is a bad thing, but breaking them is totally within the rules? Reilly has absolutely no respect for the ancient architectural masterworks he has spent the last few paragraphs fawning over. Also, take a shot for the "Thwack". That entire sequence was a mess, and that is exactly how it is written, I've not changed it at all.
The X-shaped bar expanded with a powerful spring-loaded motion, so that suddenly it was wedged tightly in the mouth of the circular wall hole.
GAY PORN COUNT: 21! COME ON MAN! That HAD to be intentional!
Not a second too soon.
Take a shot.
An instant later, a burst of water gushed out of the wall-hole,
Gay porn count: 22.
immediately followed by the jaws of of a massive crocodile that slammed at tremendous speed into the X-bar!
Oh boy. That was almost exciting. How does Matthew Reilly manage to bugger up tunnels firing crocodiles?!
The croc roared angrily
I know your pain, crocodile, I know your pain...
but its jaws were caught against the X-bar, unable to get past. The rush of water sprayed all around Fuzzy, but it didn't knock him over.
"Trap One! Clear!" He called.
Take three shots.
The others were already there with him, moving fast, and as Fuzzy kept watch over the writhing croc trapped in the wall-hole, they danced safely by.
I thought that they "dashed" when I first read that. Of course I was being silly, that would be far too sensible a choice of word for a Reilly novel. Fuzzy is a bit of a jerk for staring at the helpless crocodile: like one of those kids who spears spiders on  pins and watches them die.

Like this, but not anywhere near as sexy.

Now Big Ears went ahead. racing forward to disable the next trap, while the rest of them followed, step-jumping past Fuzzy, heading for the ladder at the base of the giant rockface.
Sure, just leave Fuzzy there... Dicks.

The Europeans could only watch in helpless amazement as the Seven raced along the opposite wall to the base of the rockface.
Base of the rockface.
This book's a disgrace
It's a travesty to the human race.
Now drop the bass!
Alone among them, Francisco del Piero eyed West -eyed him with an ice cold gaze- watching him running with Lily at his side, gripping her hand.
Well, that was creepy. Thanks Matthew.
"Well, well, well..." del Piero said. "Who have you got there, Captain West?"
Dun, dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
See you next week, folks.
Here's some more Idris to tide you over.

The Magnificent Seven

There is a remake being planned of "The Magnificent Seven", in 2017. A remake of a remake, which has already been remade multiple times

One of which was this, which you have to see.

Now, we all have a negative view of remakes, and I don't have a good feeling about this one. I know and acknowledge that there have been truly excellent remakes, presented here:

1. The Fly (David Cronenberg) - 1986
2. The Thing (John Carpenter) - 1982
3. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (David Fincher) - 2011
4. Mother's Day (Darren Lynn Bouseman) - 2010
5. Cape Fear (Martin Scorcese) - 1991
6. Bram Stoker's Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola) - 1992
7. Ocean's Eleven (Steven Soderbergh) - 2001
8. Zatoichi (Takeshi Kitano) - 2003
9. King Kong (Peter Jackson) - 2005
10. Scarface (Brian De Palma) - 1983
11. 13 Assassins (Takeshi Miike) - 2011
12. Hairspray (Adam Shankman) - 2007
13. True Grit (The Coen Brothers) - 2010

There are more, but you get the point, not all remakes suck.

However, this version of "The Magnificent Seven" (a stellar Western and magnificent retelling of a classic film) needs something more.
The Magnificent Seven worked because it was not just Seven Samurai, but because it transferred that situation (a simple story of good and evil, whereby the strong can either exert their power over the weak, or use that very strength to do the right thing, at no benefit to themselves. For goodness is its own reward. Or is it...?) into the wild west and made it about age, youth, legends, violence, the nature of good and evil, redemption and courage, whilst allowing some of the best actors of the day to rub shoulders and get some cracking lines and truly excellent parts to work with. They took the class warfare aspect of Kurosawa's film and removed it, then changed characters which wouldn't work into others that would (Robert Vaughn's Lee being an excellent addition, for example), and thus created a wonderful ensemble piece, anchored by the always awesome Yul Brynner.

So you cannot just make a Western.
You need to change it up, make it a movie to resonate with the modern day (though, Seven Samurai and The Magnificent Seven already do that, in my mind) audience, and to touch upon modern themes.
The easy route would be to take a gangster approach (Antoine Fuqua, the director, made Training Day, which is excellent, and thus this seems like an obvious step for him), whereby a small group (say... seven?) tough guys help to defend an area against a rampaging biker gang, for example.

But considering the names attached to the project (Denzel Motherfucking Washington, Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio and Lee Byung-hun, amongst other lesser known actors like Wagner Moura), you'd need to do something a little different. Maybe, something darker or controversial. Maybe something which increases it to a larger scale...
Not Battle Beyond the Stars, though that would be amazing (Space-Denzel! Who wouldn't want to see that?!).

Say, you have a small area in a developing nation. Maybe an unnamed African, Asian or even (to lessen the chances of racism or weird colonial attitudes) Eastern Europe, whereby the inhabitants are, indeed, plagued by attackers. They make off with their food, their resources, even their women and children. A dark, horrible life for all involved, and there seems to be no escape.
These attackers operate with impunity in this war-torn land, doing as they please and using this village and the surrounding area as their local stomping ground. This particular village is next on their hit-list, and there is no chance of help from the army, the police, the UN, anyone.
So others must be brought in.
Say... mercenaries.
A young woman goes in search of anybody who can help her. But her only chances are the very foreigners who normally lead such attacks, who pillage and plunder this country. She's cautious and wary, but these seem unlike the others.
They take her up on the offer, having done some terrible things in their lifetime, especially in places such as this. They find others who will help their cause (a wanted man, a hotshot wannabe, a psychopath broken by war, etc...) and these seven accompany the girl to the village.

What follows is a tense examination of foreign attitudes, colonial era legacies and the horrors of war as these seven try to help. You'd have one of the big names (I'd go with Pratt) set up to be the lead, being the most sympathetic of the seven, setting him up to be the hero of the piece. But then you'd kill him off spectacularly, surprisingly (one of the flaws was that you knew at least Yul Brynner would make it, as well as Steve McQueen), and leave us guessing.
Heck, maybe kill off all of them?

Just don't make another Western version.
Change it up.
Please.