"The Beekeeper" - Review

Adam Clay (Jason Statham) is living in tranquility as a beekeeper. When his neighbour and perhaps only friend Eloise (Phylicia Rashad) loses everything she has to a call centre scam, Clay takes revenge. This brings him into the orbit of a pair of FBI agents (Emmy Raver-Lampman and Bobby Naderi), the Hawaiian shirt sporting tech bro head of the call centres (Josh Hutcherson) and a path of violence unqeunchable...

Statham is among the last of a dying breed: the action movie star. We used to get the box office showdowns of Arnie VS Stallone at the top, then on the B-Tier (the better stuff, honestly) JCVD VS Dolph Lundgren, or if you were unlucky, Chuck Norris VS Any Actor. But too late we realised there was space for both in this world, and thank you to Statham and Scott Adkins for keeping the spirit of this alive.
This is a back-to-basics, completely unhinged and wacky Jason Statham script, but channelled through the "gritty urban edge" filter of David Ayer, so played 100% straight making it even funnier and 1,000 times more entertaining.
It tries to channel "John Wick" and every Seagal movie ever made: a stoic, quiet badass living a normal life just wants to get on with it, but then some bad guys do wrong and he embarks on this path of vengeance, with a competent action star in the lead who could do this in his sleep; only there are colourful 80s and 90s henchmen and supporting characters to fight, and even the villains are given the same "sane man subordinate" having to babysit "idiot boss" vibe of that film. There are some bright, colourful, honestly well lit set pieces; the FBI agents honestly had funny dialogue and made me laugh (one of them gets Statham/gravity-induced concussion and introduces himself as "Federal Bureau of Something, you know the deal") and feel like they're ripped from a fun 90s movie. They even tie into the plot, weirdly, and their storyline jusssssssssssst straddles the line of endorsing vigilante justice without going there or being weirdly right wing. Honestly the first part of the movie is oddly Boomer-preachy: characters ranting to the screen about these evil selfish call centre thieves stealing from the elderly, which is "worse than stealing from a child" because there is nobody to bat for them. Continuing the "John Wick" vibes: Jeremy Irons prattles about "you can't stop Beekeepers!" because "Beekeeper" was also the name of the covert government agency Statham worked for, but "Beekeeper" is a very silly thing to call it.
But then the movie fucking rules?
Honestly, the script goes completely off the range mental and escalates into, no joke, minigun battles in a petrol station, and a full frontal assault on the home of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (played by Jemma Redgrave for some God damned reason), with the balls to explain why there are so many fucking henchmen and goons at these call centres Statham is genociding. He hurls jars of honey at a person's head. It's unhinged, sheer Statham lunacy, and everybody plays it pitch perfect: special shoutout goes to the first guy at the call centre (David Witts) who is bringing mad "Jordan Belfort" energy and just an oily shitbag; and then the comically evil Enzo Cilenti who wears a suit made up of the word "GOAT", carries a gold microphone and tells everybody around him to ignore the mercenaries demanding it be shut down because "WE'RE HERE TO MAKE MONEY!"; the villains are cartoonishly evil, and even Minnie Driver shows up for 2 scenes to sic an assassin on Statham, then go "fuck it, you're on your own!" when that fails. But special praise must go to Josh Hutcherson, here making up for being the lead in the second worst movie of last year by playing Jake Paul. A crypto-douche smarmy shitbag wank stain in bleached blonde hair, belittling his protectors, demanding his minions keep making scam calls despite the murders going on, constantly taking drugs, skateboarding everywhere, and being into "wellness" and "New Age" song bowls and shit. It's like every scene he went to Ayer: "How can I make him shittier?". The movie also keeps introducing henchmen, with build up and characterisation, only to have them Punked, and finally settle on (correctly) a colourful zany South African mercenary with a prosthetic leg in the final act.
And throughout all of this, David Ayer is a terrible choice, who thus makes him the PERFECT choice. He shoots everything with that grim, gritty, "urban gangsta flava" (thank you Lindsay Ellis) style, with big soaring horror music every time The Beekeeper is mentioned, some fucking fun gore effects and brutal kills and people burning to death, the sort of grit and edge and cops-in-army-gear poe-faced seriousness which makes every single thing around it even funnier. Kudos. Kudos movie.
I had an absolute whale of a time, and get everything I wanted and hoped for. I can't even mention half of the insane shit here.

"The Zone of Interest" - Review

A family live in a beautiful part of Europe, for the job of the patriarch.

I felt physically sick, and my partner had to walk out after 45 minutes.
Film of the year.
I never want to see it again.

"Mean Girls" - Review

You know what "Mean Girls" is.

This is a musical remake of a 20 year old film. A film which has cemented itself into lexicon and pop culture and made stars of its cast, and probably one of the few 2000s films to earn its title of "classic". The original (it's so weird to say that) was about hierarchies, the corrupting nature of popularity and power, and the need for women to stop being so just damned mean to each other.
So, what does this remake add to the table?
Honestly, nothing.
I was cautious regarding this, and was essentially sent as a surrogate viewer because my partner refuses to watch a remake of one of their all time favourite films, which is only 20 years old. And you know what? Fair.
The movie has a lot of energy and punch behind it: the transitions and editing make the musical work for the big screen (which is refreshing to see, honestly, in the era of musicals ashamed or afraid to be musicals, and no, I'll never stop calling Tom Hooper a talentless hack), and there is a lot of energy to the film. They open on a garage door DIY self recorded number, then open the door to reveal the plains of Kenya where our protagonist lives, for example. There is a Greek-chorus/backing band of the theatre kids, who we see play in the numbers throughout the film, and they have a lot of fun with blurring diegetic and non-diegetic elements: for example as the characters dance through the school canteen on one number, the band are playing on one of the tables, and the headmaster tells them to "get down from there!". That made me laugh, touche movie. As did the addition of a little parallel "Mean Boys" clique with Kevin G and the Matheletes. That got a good laugh.
The characters are honestly pretty well cast: I like Angourie Rice as an actor, and am happy to see her in a leading role as Cady. She does a good job. Renee Rapp is an absolutely stellar Regina George, relishing the part and having a blast playing it (as one would); all of her numbers are done in a sort of breathy, Billy Eilish, whisper sung style, and I like the choice and feel it could work, but personally they didn't click with me and I couldn't name a song for you. Bebe Wood is a good Gretchen Weiners (and from the side, weirdly, looks like Lindsay Lohan), and gets a sweet little characterising number in a cupboard (though, to fans of the original, Gretchen already gets given depth through her arc in the movie, though I digress...). Avantika honestly steals the show as Karen, having a great time playing her. Auli'i Cravalho plays outcast lesbian girl Janice (whom they actually make a lesbian here. On the one hand: yay, well done, but also I like reading the original as a joke about how we assume people are lesbians, you know?) and has some pipes on her, but the character here is schizophrenic and feels from a different movie. Her numbers (which are the ones the makers and songwriters feel are the "big, empowering songs") are full of soaring vigor and high notes and lyrics about not giving a shit - but very clearly Janice does give a shit: she spends the entirety of the movie fixated on vengeance against a particular person for the way they have treated her. It's like the wrote the song and worked backwards. Cravalho easily has the best voice in the cast, but that "Disney Girl Boss Energy" is misplaced.
And that is the key problem with the film: it's a musical where the songs aren't very good.
I remember liking one of Regina's songs in the moment, and enjoying the staging and choreography on the whole and for the most part, as I've said before, but two days after watching it: I'm only able to remember one song. Fittingly it's Karen's song, about how much she loves sexy Halloween costumes, a throwaway number which has nothing to do with the plot and is fitting for Karen as a character. When you're doing a musical and the songs are not particularly catchy, memorable or good? You have a problem. And when the musical is based upon a beloved film based on character development, satire and witty dialogue? That's a bigger problem. It adds nothing to proceedings. However, it does remove the racism of the Asian characters (always welcome, good job there) and the paedophilia joke with the coach (again, good work) and enough energy, relish for the material and effort on display to be more than a simple cash grab. It may possibly work as a companion piece to "Mean Girls" if you know the original text, but so much of its humour relies on knowing the characters, and what parts do work are merely holdovers from the original text. It's hard to separate the two of them from each other. Every time I chuckled, or smirked, I thought "is this just a holdover from the original?". At best it feels like homage, but most of the time it feels like theatre kids riffing on it and quoting a film you've never seen (to be fair, that was the majority of my experience with "Mean Girls" for many years, so that may factor into it...).
Yet the whole thing has enough joy and effort on display, I can't QUITE bring myself to hate it. It's not necessarily something I recommend to a fan, but I'm also not sure how a person unknown to the material will enjoy it: maybe it'll be great?

"Night Swim" - Review

The Waller family move yet again as baseball star father Ray (Wyatt Russell) is beginning to suffer from multiple sclerosis. They end up in a quaint, well-to-do neighbourhood, in a house with a pool! But as mother Eve (Kerry Condon), daughter Izzy (Amelie Hoeferle) and son Elliot (Gavin Walker) settle in, something strange and dark lurks within the pool...

January horror is back, baby!
The movie thinks it's "It Follows" but is actually "The Curse of La Larona"!
Okay, that was mean.
So, not quite. This isn't a never ending trainwreck or torrent of trash like we usually can come to relish and treasure in these cold opening months.
But the movie is more competently made, staid, steady work with no real tension or atmosphere, hitting the usual beats and things you've come to expect from this kind of movie (right down to a visit to an elderly woman who tells them how the plot works, though thankfully she is neither magic nor black), wearing a lot of influences on its sleeve:
The frequent water shots and imagery of water really wants to be "It Follows" or "Dark Water", the army of swimming pool ghosts (Jesus, that concept is such a "King at his most coke-fuelled 80s output") are "Insidious" (fitting due to Wan being producer), its father-son dynamic is trying to be recent Blumhouse movies and, oddly, "Pet Sematary" in many regards, the possession-based finale is trying to be "Hereditary" or "The Babadook" (right down to the children having to save the day), the aforementioned old woman is very much "The Ring"

(Any excuse to post Kyoko Koizumi)

The film relies on jump scares of the more 2000s kind, but they did their job for the young women in front of me at the cinema, and is actually better off when it is focusing on the child's eye view of the pool, and the darkest murkiest depths of it, making you think that there is something within it. The quickest way to terrify me (well, second fastest: "It Follows" being the first. Watch that fucking movie) is to show me deep, deep water. Even a pool will do. The longer shots, the quieter moments, they can draw you in. Contrasting them with the pouring of water, the long aerial shots, the murkiness of the depths: the imagery comes together.
But the atmosphere is never truly there.
Honestly, it would have worked super well as an 80s/90s throwback of a haunted monster in the pool.
Fun side note: the opening is set in 1992, as a throwback, and you can expect to see a lot more of those settings now, they'll be the new "80s" for TV and movies.
It has, however, more ambitions than many of this era, and I respect that. I don't make the "Pet Sematary" (the remake) comparisons lightly: the acting is good across the board, and the characters are likeable if not super lovable, and I liked the healing angle. They have a good planting and payoff of a batting signal, and the arc and message of it are a man turning away from the past and his career focus and moving that focus to his family and their needs. That kind of works, but feels rushed.
It's fine.
It isn't "Fantasy Island".
Still, the soundtrack by Mark Korven (who did "Cube" and "The Black Phone") is good. I wish director and writer Bryce McGuire all the best, honestly he has potential.

"Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom" - Review

Now the king of Atlantis, and ruler of the 7 kingdoms, Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) juggles a job he doesn't like with fatherhood and his bawdy, drinking, jock-like tendencies. An old face (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) returns, armed with ancient Atlantean technology and a burning vengeance against Curry, forcing Aquaman to team up with his brother Orm (Daddy Patrick Wilson) to seek out a long-forgotten kingdom and its magic trident.

The perfect crescendo to the "DCEU" experiment: it's bloated, hacked to pieces, rushed, overloaded with CGI, a lack of focus and underbaked storylines. It doesn't know what it wants to be about, lacks a constant throughline, and even screws up who its final villain is: tossing aside Black Manta in favour of a largely unseen Sauron knockoff with CGI backdrops and a motive which puts me to sleep. It encapsulates the whole thing perfectly.
I wouldn't know that James Wan (fond of Baroque madness and Gothic horror, and the goofy, weird side of things) had directed this unless you told me, even though Patrick Wilson gets possessed by a monster. Hell, the character development and screen time goes to the wrong character: Randall Park's Dr Stephen Shin, a henchman/reluctant ally of Black Manta who just wants to see Atlantis, and struggles with this situation he has found himself in over the course of the film, before deciding which team he is on. Honestly, that works, unequivocally: Shin is the only character I was actively rooting for, the only guy I wanted to survive and would have felt emotions about had he died, and it came close a few points. Kudos Randall, and that's a good little character.
But why is the focus on him, and not, you know, our leads? Why is it not "Tango and Splash"?
Because here's the thing:
The movie is not good, not really, but I can sort of talk myself into maybe, sort of, kind of defending it.
The props and sets (where they DO exist) are a 50s retro-futurism matching the "Flash Gordon" vibe of the first one, and there are things like an underwater fish pirate haven market, which could be a delightfully goofy mad-libs set piece.
But again, it's rushed.
On paper, the buddy cop adventures of proud, haughty, fallen-from-grace Orm and his douchebag Jock brother Aquaman should soar, and true to form those are the parts where the movie threatens to get good: Wilson and Momoa try their best with the material and the underwritten banter. If it kicked in earlier, and was the focus of the film, it could have worked. I appreciated the "what is this puny human world? Your realm lacks the grandeur of mine!" energy: it could have been the fun, campy siliness we needed. It comes together a bit at the end with a gag about trying human food.
Patrick Wilson fucking Naruto-runs in this movie, which may be the greatest thing caught on camera, and I unironically adore it, and that will be my takeaway from it: that is a little snapshot of how good the film could have been.
Dolph Lundgren and a crab-king voiced by John Rhys-Davies return in the last act for attempts at an epic, with large scale battles and "I'll hold them off!" moments, and a whole "You're alright after all, kid, maybe I was wrong about you..." part: again, holdovers from a better script, and a focus on some characters much missed and very much needed. Hell, the movie throws back to the introduction of Aquaman in the God-awful "Justice League" movie where he was shown rising from the water to dubstep, by having a FUCKING TERRIBLE dubstep cover of "Born to be Wild" over the ending credits, a throwback which I think only me and like, Wan caught. The rest of the score is nice though, there are some funky, weird theremin jams, and it feels weird and wacky.
Is the movie about Aquaman learning to be king? No, that is sort of thrown aside.
Is it about the importance of family?
Well, not really, his wife is written out, his son is a plot device kidnapped by Black Manta, and I've already talked about his brother stuff.
Is it the revenge of Black Manta? Well again, no: he's replaced by a character I did not even know was played by Pilou Asbaek until that one flashback of him in human form, not a good sign (side note: I watched "Overlord" again and that fucking rules).
Is it a wacky romp? I wish it were, it threatens to be that.
This has the hatchet of corporate mandated drama and horseshit behind it, and whilst there was never a forgotten, misunderstood masterpiece beneath it: it would have been nice to see something.