The Water Chamber (The First Gate)
The low tunnel opened onto a chamber the size of a small chapel. Incongruously, the floor of this chamber seemed to be made up of a lush carpet of green grass.
Only it wasn't grass.
Oh Matthew. You do capitalise an awful lot of things in this story don't you? We have The Nine, The Chamber, The Grand Cavern and later we get The Capstone and many, many more. This isn't a German language class
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| Bask in what will be cleverest joke I make on this blog. |
It was algae. And beneath the algae,water-a rectangular pool of perfectly flat, undisturbed water.
Gee, I wonder if it's dangerous? Also, what else would be underneath the algae? Plot? Let's hope that they don't fall in and hurt themselves with whatever lies in there. Unless they push the little girl in. Because she's not even opened her mouth yet, and you know she's going to be annoying. Or maybe the massive Irish lug that is Titus Pullo will dive in, like an idiot. Matthew Reilly may as well put a sign next to this pit saying "Dude, this is dangerous and totally a trap! Let's hope they don't jump in!"
And no crocs. Not a single one.
Take two shots. Well, they left pretty quickly.
At the far end of the chamber -beyond the long placid pool, just above the waterline- were three low rectangular holes, burrowing into the far wall, each roughly the size of a coffin.
An object floated in a pool near the entrance. West recognised it immediately.
A human body. Dead.
Take two shots. And what other kind of body would be floating in a pool? Just some guy chilling out in the algae infested death water? That line about the coffins was also such incredible foreshadowing of the next sentence that it almost passed me by completely. Matthew Reilly is a genius.
The third and last Sudanese man.
Well, who else was it going to be?
Not Lily, unfortunately...
Breathless, Wizard came up alongside West "A-ha, the First Gate. Ooh my, how clever. It's a false door chamber, just like we saw beneath the volcano in Uganda. Ah Imhotep V. He always respected the classic traps."
A dude just died, you asshole. Oh, but he's black so Wizard gives no shits. I can almost forgive the aforementioned problem of Wizard speaking like a Matthew Reilly book, but this dialogue really is awful. I know that it's supposed to show us he's the "kooky genius" of the group, but all it really does is make him seem like the sort of asshole not cut out for this mission. One more thing: That volcano thing? It comes up.
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| And that Imhotep V! Such a character! This is just classic him! |
"Ooh! And it's connected to a Solomon's Choice of spike holes: three holes, but only one is safe. This is some Gate, I bet the ceiling' is on rollers-"
"Max. You can write a book about it later. the state of the water?"
Thank you. For making him shut up. Though, technically he was telling you about the traps... My theory about them simply kidnapping a confused elderly man is making more and more sense by the second. Nobody talks like that, absolutely nobody. Professor Epper is, unfortunately, one of the central characters of this novel, and thus we shall hear a lot more of his idiocy before the night is through.
"Yes, sorry, ahem-"
You do not just write "ahem"? Fuck's sake...
Wizard frowned. "Extremely high levels of the blood worm Schistoma Mansoni. Be careful, my friend, this water is beyond septic. It's teeming with S. mansoni."
"What's that?" Big Ears asked from behind them.
Now you see why Big Ears is "the thick one": So that he may ask questions and get science answers, like the "audience surrogate" in films. Only, he's not identifiable in any way. In fact, the most sympathetic character thus far is Horus, who spends his time flying about and looking at these idiots. So, Matthew, let's see if you've done your research. What is this mansoni? Science time!
"It's a microscopic bloodworm that penetrates the body through the skin or any exposed orifice, and then lays eggs in the bloodstream." West answered.
Wizard added "Infection leads to spinal chord inflammation, lower-body paralysis and, ultimately, a cerebral aneurysm and death. Ancient grave robbers went mad after entering places like this. They blamed angry gods and mystical curses, but in all likelihood it was S. mansoni. But at these levels, gosh, this water will kill you in minutes. Whatever you do, Jack, don't fall in."
Right.
From the research I have done, he's half right. First of all, why does he make this big deal of Mary-Sue West answering first? He's really starting to ratchet up the stuff at this guy's disposal, and makes one wonder why he has even brought Wizard along in the first place.
The bloodworm can survive in the water for about 48 hours, taken there by urine and faeces, after the eggs from those things hatch and infect a certain type of snail which lives in the water. I doubt there are that many snails in the water. If so, why is there still so much algae? Snails need to eat, and that algae would get eaten pretty damned quickly if there was a population of snails large enough to survive in the water to make it so full of S. mansoni.
When infected (indeed by the skin coming into contact with it, he at least got that right), symptoms include itching and blood in one's urine and stool, as the eggs pass painfully through the body and hatch. Fever, chills and a cough then follow. The part about these worms inducing paralysis and death is true in a very rare number of cases, and the disease is in fact easily detected and easily treated. So Matthew Reilly basically just Googled "stuff in the water which can kill you" and rolled with it. This whole thing about the water is exaggerated. Wizard's a dick.
Also, why does he only want Jack not to fall in it? Is it because he's white and therefore important?
Science time is over.
"Okay then" West said, "the jump-stone configuration."
"Right, right..." The older man hurriedly pulled a notebook from his jacket pocket, started flipping pages.
I wasn't aware that we were supposed to be narrating like Rorschach now.
A "false-floor chamber" was a fairly common booby-trap in the ancient Egyptian world -mainly because it was very simple to built and exceedingly effective.
That is not a spelling error there. He really did write "simple to built". I could also have put speech marks around that entire sentence, and you'd have believed that it was Wizard talking.
It worked by concealing a safe pathway of stepping stones beneath a false layer of liquid -which could be anything really: quicksand, boiling mud, tar, or, most commonly, bacteria-infected water.
You defeated a false-door chamber by knowing the location of the stepping stones in it.
Thanks Matt. I thought you'd just vault it.
Wizard found the page he was after
Oh thank God! I was getting worried there! "Seven Ancient Wonders: Filled with Hot Librarian Action!"
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| First image for "Hot Librarian Action". Internet, you've done me proud! |
So. Many. Shots. Talks like Rorschach. Clipped phrases. Sudden character shift. Like narrator. This city will chew you up. Dames. It's always dames.
"1-3-4-1-3," West repeated "And which spike hole? I'm going to have to choose quickly."
Porn count: 7.
"Key of Life." Wizard said, consulting his notebook.
"Thanks. Horus, chest." On command, the falcon immediately whizzed to West's chest and nestled in a pouch there.
This is getting ridiculous. Don't do it Horus! It's a trap!
West then turned to the group assembled behind him: "Okay, folks, listen up. Everyone is to follow me closely. If our friend Imhotep V follows his usual modus operandi, as soon as I step on the first stepping stone, things are gonna get frantic. Stay close because we don't have much time."
Old friend? You're not nostalgic scholars, you're fucking tomb robbers. And Matthew, you don't have to have West actually say "modus operandi" as nobody does. It's one of those things which is always abbreviated because you sound like a pretentious asshole if you don't. And what else would you do on a stepping stone?
Dick.
West turned and contemplated the placid pool of algae-covered water.
That sounds like the opening line to a chapter from fan fiction.
He bit his lip for a second. Then he took a deep breath.
When did this become "Fifty Shades of Grey"? Actually, don't answer that... Out of context, those two sentences sound like the opening lines to a book about spelling bees or a heart-warming novel about making it in the world of Olympic diving, where West must overcome the bullies and the douchebag jocks, as well as his own shortcomings, if he is to ever win the gold and the girl. I'm sorry, you were saying?
Then he jumped out into the chamber, out over the surface of the pool, angling his leap way out to the left.
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| I wish. |
It was a long jump -he couldn't have just stepped that far.
Watching, Wizard gasped.
That sounds like a Sioux name. Watching Wizard. Oh, and take a shot.
But rather than plunging into the deadly water, West landed lightly on the surface of the flat green pool -looking like he was walking on water.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd that right there is the final piece of proof, as if any more were needed, that Matthew has created his fan-fic insertion of Australian Jesus, and the action's not even started.
Wizard exhaled the breath he'd been holding.
Less obviously, West did too.
But their relief was shortlived, for at that moment the trap mechanism of the water chamber came loudly and spectacularly to life.
Okay, I'll give him this: that's actually pretty funny, as chapter endings go. The downside is that it's supposed to be serious. He also tries to end every chapter like that. The spelling of "shortlived" as one whole word was also his doing. Maybe it's an Aussie thing.
Well, now that the traps are triggered, it really comes into its stride. Having fun yet? Who's your favourite? Old Guy? Main Guy? Woman? Black Guy? Spanish Cameo Guy? Titus Pullo? I'll start a poll when the rest (the other three, that is) are introduced.
See you next week folks.
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