When we last left our intrepid adventurers, Jack West Jr and his team of foreign psychopaths were about to jump into the hole. Let's see if Matthew Reilly can drag this out and add something stupid.
Just then, with a squawk, a small brown peregrine falcon swooped in from above the treeline and landed on West's shoulder-
I take it back. He has repaid our patience by bringing us our best character. Seriously, this bird is the best due to not having to speak any of his dialogue and by virtue of being actually worthy of a stupid codename.
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| And also judges me for reading this. |
Thank you Matt. I was getting worried that we had two different birds swooping above the treetops. Not that anything can replace our beloved falcon...
It eyed the area around West imperiously, protectively. Its name, Horus.
Well, Matthew has at least expanded his vocabulary with the word "imperiously". But take a shot for that final sentence.
West didn't even notice the bird. He just stared down into the dark brown hole in the mud, lost in thought.
He didn't notice the bird? I know at Matthew is trying to make him seem "cool" and "driven", but would you really have, as leader of your expedition to save the world, a man who cannot notice a peregrine falcon swooping around his fat Australian head? I doubt that this man would notice a pirate crack orgy happening right under his nose.
He brushed back some mud from the edge, revealing a hieroglyph cut into the rim:
"We meet again" he said softly to the carving.
Scratch that.
He's a madman who talks to carvings even when death birds are circling his head. You wouldn't follow Ted Bundy into the Eden Project, so why would you follow this man into temples in the Sudan?
He turned "Glowstick"
He was handed a glowstick which he cracked and tossed into the hole.
Well, Matthew has at least expanded his vocabulary with the word "imperiously". But take a shot for that final sentence.
West didn't even notice the bird. He just stared down into the dark brown hole in the mud, lost in thought.
He didn't notice the bird? I know at Matthew is trying to make him seem "cool" and "driven", but would you really have, as leader of your expedition to save the world, a man who cannot notice a peregrine falcon swooping around his fat Australian head? I doubt that this man would notice a pirate crack orgy happening right under his nose.
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| This is literally the first picture which came up on Google image search for "Pirate crack orgy" |
"We meet again" he said softly to the carving.
Scratch that.
He's a madman who talks to carvings even when death birds are circling his head. You wouldn't follow Ted Bundy into the Eden Project, so why would you follow this man into temples in the Sudan?
He turned "Glowstick"
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| Scalpel. Tweezers. Glowstick. |
It fell for 20 feet, illuminating a pipe-like shaft on its way down, before -splonk!- it landed in the water and revealed-
Splonk. He got money for writing that.
Lots of crocodiles. Nile crocodiles.
Two shots.
Snapping, snarling and grunting. Sliding over each other.
Why does everything he write sound like porn? Can we skip this stupid adventure and have 8 pages of the croc-orgy? Which, presumably, Jack West Jr will never notice without the aid of his glowsticks.
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| This was both the first and safest picture for "crocodile porn" on Google. Don't Google it. Please. |
"More of Sobek's minions" West said "Nice. Very nice."
We get it Matt, he's Australian.
Just then the team's radioman, a tall Jamaican with bleached dreadlocks, a heavily pockmarked face and tree-trunk sized arms, touched his earpiece in alarm.
Stop.
For fuck's sake. The token black character is literally a gigantic black man, complete with dreadlocks. For fuck's sake Matthew.
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| This. Basically this. |
His real name was V.J Weatherly, his original call sign Witch Doctor, but everyone here just called him Fuzzy.
So, wait, you're saying that he's not called "Fuzzy" because of the little girl (contradicting a statement you made only a few pages ago), but because the team cannot be bothered to pronounce his real name, which consists of initials anyway? I'm betting Wizard has something to do with this. And that Jack West Jr hasn't even noticed that the man's black. He will once he pops another glowstick.
"Huntsman" he said "the Europeans have just breached the Third Gate. They're inside the Grand Cavern. Now they're bringing in some crane to overshoot the lower levels"
HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!
"Shit..."
"It gets worse. The Americans just crossed the border. They're coming in fast behind us. Big force: 400 men, choppers, armour, with carrier-launched fighter support on the way. And the ground force is being led by the CIEF."
On a serious note: The chief problem with Matthew's dialogue is that he not only does not know how human beings talk, but that he cannot differentiate between them. That dialogue can not only have been said by any other character in the party, but also could have not been dialogue and would actually have made more sense as a line he'd written himself.
That really got West's attention.
Oh, so initials wake this man from his glowstick induced stupour? Of course!
The CIEF -the Commander-in-Chief's In Extremis Force, pronounced "seef"- was America's very best special operations unit, a unit that answered only to the President and possessed the real life equivalent of a license to kill. As West knew from hard experience, he didn't want to be around when the CIEF arrived.
He stood up. "Who's in charge?"
Fuzzy said ominously, "Judah."
I've had a look, and can find no such thing as "CIEF". There are mentions of a "CIF" which is functionally the same thing and, from what little there is to go on, is more of an ad-hoc group of men and women from different fields and special forces backgrounds. Though information on them is sparse, I'll let it slide, as it technically, kind of, sort of exists.
The real humour comes from the writing here. He's really piling on the "tension" and "drama" here. Though it's another case of telling rather than showing us, he's tried giving us more of a glimpse into Jack West Jr. I think he also picked the name "Judah" because it sounded evil (Like Marshall, Victor or Colin) without realising that it would sound ridiculous when said by Fuzzy and without also realising that the most famous "Judah" in the world (and thus the one most likely to be conjured up by the mention of the name) is this guy:
Which, I hope you don't mind me saying, is not the sort of thing which fills me with dread. Unless I have to watch every single episode of "30 Rock".
Secondly, his "past experience" with the CIEF is never actually shown, stated or even hinted at. He knows two of the guys in it, that's it. He never even served with them. Unless Matthew's hinting at previous encounters one the quest (which we never see, despite the many flashbacks in the novel), then we have actually learned less about our "hero" than we knew already, and are leaving with more questions. And all of my questions involve pirate crack orgies and crocodile porn.
"I didn't think he'd come himself. Damn. Now we'd really better hurry."
The writers of "Armageddon" want their dialogue back.
West turned to his team.
"All right. Noddy -you've got sentry duty. Everybody else..."
Take four shots.
He pulled an odd looking helmet from his belt, put it on.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to porn again.
"... it's time to rock and roll."
That's the line you're going with? Alright. You're the boss. I just thought that since we're saving the world and not building a shed, you'd want to use a more appropriate line.
And so into the subterranean dark they went.
Fast.
A steel tripod was erected above the pipe-like shaft and, led by West, one after the other, eight of the Nine abseiled down it on a rope strung from the tripod.
That's a lot of gay innuendo. Instead of making gay jokes, from this point onwards I'm going to keep a tally of gay jokes I could have made. It's far, far easier this way. Take a shot for the "Fast" sentence. Also, it's nice to see that Matthew can do maths.
One lone man, a dark-haired Spanish commando -once known as Matador, now Noddy- remained up top to guard the entrance.
Finally! The men we have been following for this long have taken the plunge and dived down the pipe, sweaty and greasy from all of this hardcore action we've been having. They leave one man at the end to make sure nobody else tries to cram anything in, and to keep an eye out for other men. They've even brought special equipment to make the hole-
I'll stop.
There will be a short interlude before the next chapter, for reasons which I hope will become clear. Join us next time for some sweet, sweet architectural action!
The CIEF -the Commander-in-Chief's In Extremis Force, pronounced "seef"- was America's very best special operations unit, a unit that answered only to the President and possessed the real life equivalent of a license to kill. As West knew from hard experience, he didn't want to be around when the CIEF arrived.
He stood up. "Who's in charge?"
Fuzzy said ominously, "Judah."
I've had a look, and can find no such thing as "CIEF". There are mentions of a "CIF" which is functionally the same thing and, from what little there is to go on, is more of an ad-hoc group of men and women from different fields and special forces backgrounds. Though information on them is sparse, I'll let it slide, as it technically, kind of, sort of exists.
The real humour comes from the writing here. He's really piling on the "tension" and "drama" here. Though it's another case of telling rather than showing us, he's tried giving us more of a glimpse into Jack West Jr. I think he also picked the name "Judah" because it sounded evil (Like Marshall, Victor or Colin) without realising that it would sound ridiculous when said by Fuzzy and without also realising that the most famous "Judah" in the world (and thus the one most likely to be conjured up by the mention of the name) is this guy:
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| Judah Friedlander. Frank from "30 Rock" to most. I had to look that up. |
Secondly, his "past experience" with the CIEF is never actually shown, stated or even hinted at. He knows two of the guys in it, that's it. He never even served with them. Unless Matthew's hinting at previous encounters one the quest (which we never see, despite the many flashbacks in the novel), then we have actually learned less about our "hero" than we knew already, and are leaving with more questions. And all of my questions involve pirate crack orgies and crocodile porn.
"I didn't think he'd come himself. Damn. Now we'd really better hurry."
The writers of "Armageddon" want their dialogue back.
West turned to his team.
"All right. Noddy -you've got sentry duty. Everybody else..."
Take four shots.
He pulled an odd looking helmet from his belt, put it on.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to porn again.
"... it's time to rock and roll."
That's the line you're going with? Alright. You're the boss. I just thought that since we're saving the world and not building a shed, you'd want to use a more appropriate line.
And so into the subterranean dark they went.
Fast.
A steel tripod was erected above the pipe-like shaft and, led by West, one after the other, eight of the Nine abseiled down it on a rope strung from the tripod.
That's a lot of gay innuendo. Instead of making gay jokes, from this point onwards I'm going to keep a tally of gay jokes I could have made. It's far, far easier this way. Take a shot for the "Fast" sentence. Also, it's nice to see that Matthew can do maths.
One lone man, a dark-haired Spanish commando -once known as Matador, now Noddy- remained up top to guard the entrance.
Finally! The men we have been following for this long have taken the plunge and dived down the pipe, sweaty and greasy from all of this hardcore action we've been having. They leave one man at the end to make sure nobody else tries to cram anything in, and to keep an eye out for other men. They've even brought special equipment to make the hole-
I'll stop.
There will be a short interlude before the next chapter, for reasons which I hope will become clear. Join us next time for some sweet, sweet architectural action!
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