Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 7

After this initial large, large introductory section, I may pick up the pace of it a little, as we're seven posts in and it's only been eighteen pages of the book. Though the writing remains amusing paragraph after paragraph, at this rate it's going to take me years to get to the end, though I can read the entire thing in about a day despite it being 470 pages, such is the infantile "speed" with which he plots and paces his novel.

The Water Chamber (The First Gate)

The low tunnel opened onto a chamber the size of a small chapel. Incongruously, the floor of this chamber seemed to be made up of a lush carpet of green grass.
Only it wasn't grass.
Oh Matthew. You do capitalise an awful lot of things in this story don't you? We have The Nine, The Chamber, The Grand Cavern and later we get The Capstone and many, many more. This isn't a German language class

Bask in what will be cleverest joke I make on this blog.

Take a shot for the sentence about grass. He just outright contradicted himself and lied in literally two sentences. I know that he's doing it for a descriptive effect, but it's just so clunky and... ARGH! On with it:
It was algae. And beneath the algae,water-a rectangular pool of perfectly flat, undisturbed water.
Gee, I wonder if it's dangerous? Also, what else would be underneath the algae? Plot? Let's hope that they don't fall in and hurt themselves with whatever lies in there. Unless they push the little girl in. Because she's not even opened her mouth yet, and you know she's going to be annoying. Or maybe the massive Irish lug that is Titus Pullo will dive in, like an idiot. Matthew Reilly may as well put a sign next to this pit saying "Dude, this is dangerous and totally a trap! Let's hope they don't jump in!"
And no crocs. Not a single one.
Take two shots. Well, they left pretty quickly.
At the far end of the chamber -beyond the long placid pool, just above the waterline- were three low rectangular holes, burrowing into the far wall, each roughly the size of a coffin.
An object floated in a pool near the entrance. West recognised it immediately.
A human body. Dead.
Take two shots. And what other kind of body would be floating in a pool? Just some guy chilling out in the algae infested death water? That line about the coffins was also such incredible foreshadowing of the next sentence that it almost passed me by completely. Matthew Reilly is a genius.
The third and last Sudanese man.
Well, who else was it going to be?
Not Lily, unfortunately...
Breathless, Wizard came up alongside West "A-ha, the First Gate. Ooh my, how clever. It's a false door chamber, just like we saw beneath the volcano in Uganda. Ah Imhotep V. He always respected the classic traps."
A dude just died, you asshole. Oh, but he's black so Wizard gives no shits. I can almost forgive the aforementioned problem of Wizard speaking like a Matthew Reilly book, but this dialogue really is awful. I know that it's supposed to show us he's the "kooky genius" of the group, but all it really does is make him seem like the sort of asshole not cut out for this mission. One more thing: That volcano thing? It comes up.

And that Imhotep V! Such a character! This is just classic him!

"Max..." West said.
"Ooh! And it's connected to a Solomon's Choice of spike holes: three holes, but only one is safe. This is some Gate, I bet the ceiling' is on rollers-"
"Max. You can write a book about it later. the state of the water?"
Thank you. For making him shut up. Though, technically he was telling you about the traps... My theory about them simply kidnapping a confused elderly man is making more and more sense by the second.  Nobody talks like that, absolutely nobody. Professor Epper is, unfortunately, one of the central characters of this novel, and thus we shall hear a lot more of his idiocy before the night is through.
"Yes, sorry, ahem-"
You do not just write "ahem"? Fuck's sake...

Wizard pulled a dipstick from a water testing kit on his belt and dipped it into the algae-covered pool. Its tip quickly turned a vivid red.
Wizard frowned. "Extremely high levels of the blood worm Schistoma Mansoni. Be careful, my friend, this water is beyond septic. It's teeming with S. mansoni."
"What's that?" Big Ears asked from behind them.
Now you see why Big Ears is "the thick one": So that he may ask questions and get science answers, like the "audience surrogate" in films. Only, he's not identifiable in any way. In fact, the most sympathetic character thus far is Horus, who spends his time flying about and looking at these idiots. So, Matthew, let's see if you've done your research. What is this mansoni? Science time!
"It's a microscopic bloodworm that penetrates the body through the skin or any exposed orifice, and then lays eggs in the bloodstream." West answered.
Wizard added "Infection leads to spinal chord inflammation, lower-body paralysis and, ultimately, a cerebral aneurysm and death. Ancient grave robbers went mad after entering places like this. They blamed angry gods and mystical curses, but in all likelihood it was S. mansoni. But at these levels, gosh, this water will kill you in minutes. Whatever you do, Jack, don't fall in."
Right.
From the research I have done, he's half right. First of all, why does he make this big deal of Mary-Sue West answering first? He's really starting to ratchet up the stuff at this guy's disposal, and makes one wonder why he has even brought Wizard along in the first place.
The bloodworm can survive in the water for about 48 hours, taken there by urine and faeces, after the eggs from those things hatch and infect a certain type of snail which lives in the water. I doubt there are that many snails in the water. If so, why is there still so much algae? Snails need to eat, and that algae would get eaten pretty damned quickly if there was a population of snails large enough to survive in the water to make it so full of S. mansoni.
When infected (indeed by the skin coming into contact with it, he at least got that right), symptoms include itching and blood in one's urine and stool, as the eggs pass painfully through the body and hatch. Fever, chills and a cough then follow. The part about these worms inducing paralysis and death is true in a very rare number of cases, and the disease is in fact easily detected and easily treated. So Matthew Reilly basically just Googled "stuff in the water which can kill you" and rolled with it. This whole thing about the water is exaggerated. Wizard's a dick.
Also, why does he only want Jack not to fall in it? Is it because he's white and therefore important?
Science time is over.
"Okay then" West said, "the jump-stone configuration."
"Right, right..." The older man hurriedly pulled a notebook from his jacket pocket, started flipping pages.
I wasn't aware that we were supposed to be narrating like Rorschach now.
A "false-floor chamber" was a fairly common booby-trap in the ancient Egyptian world -mainly because it was very simple to built and exceedingly effective.
That is not a spelling error there. He really did write "simple to built". I could also have put speech marks around that entire sentence, and you'd have believed that it was Wizard talking.
It worked by concealing a safe pathway of stepping stones beneath a false layer of liquid -which could be anything really: quicksand, boiling mud, tar, or, most commonly, bacteria-infected water.
You defeated a false-door chamber by knowing the location of the stepping stones in it.
Thanks Matt. I thought you'd just vault it.
Wizard found the page he was after
Oh thank God! I was getting worried there! "Seven Ancient Wonders: Filled with Hot Librarian Action!"

First image for "Hot Librarian Action". Internet, you've done me proud!

"Okay. Here it is. Soter's mine. Nubia. First Gate. Water Chamber. A-ha. Five-by-five grid: the sequence of jump stones is 1-3-4-1-3."
So. Many. Shots. Talks like Rorschach. Clipped phrases. Sudden character shift. Like narrator. This city will chew you up. Dames. It's always dames.
"1-3-4-1-3," West repeated "And which spike hole? I'm going to have to choose quickly."
Porn count: 7.
"Key of Life." Wizard said, consulting his notebook.
"Thanks. Horus, chest." On command, the falcon immediately whizzed to West's chest and nestled in a pouch there.
This is getting ridiculous. Don't do it Horus! It's a trap!
West then turned to the group assembled behind him: "Okay, folks, listen up. Everyone is to follow me closely. If our friend Imhotep V follows his usual modus operandi, as soon as I step on the first stepping stone, things are gonna get frantic. Stay close because we don't have much time."
Old friend? You're not nostalgic scholars, you're fucking tomb robbers. And Matthew, you don't have to have West actually say "modus operandi" as nobody does. It's one of those things which is always abbreviated because you sound like a pretentious asshole if you don't. And what else would you do on a stepping stone?
Dick.
West turned and contemplated the placid pool of algae-covered water.
That sounds like the opening line to a chapter from fan fiction.
He bit his lip for a second. Then he took a deep breath.
When did this become "Fifty Shades of Grey"? Actually, don't answer that... Out of context, those two sentences sound like the opening lines to a book about spelling bees or a heart-warming novel about making it in the world of Olympic diving, where West must overcome the bullies and the douchebag jocks, as well as his own shortcomings, if he is to ever win the gold and the girl. I'm sorry, you were saying?
Then he jumped out into the chamber, out over the surface of the pool, angling his leap way out to the left.

I wish.

It was a long jump -he couldn't have just stepped that far.
Watching, Wizard gasped.
That sounds like a Sioux name. Watching Wizard. Oh, and take a shot.
But rather than plunging into the deadly water, West landed lightly on the surface of the flat green pool -looking like he was walking on water.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd that right there is the final piece of proof, as if any more were needed, that Matthew has created his fan-fic insertion of Australian Jesus, and the action's not even started.

His thick-soled boots stood an inch deep. He was standing on some kind of stepping-stone hidden underneath the algae covered surface.
Wizard exhaled the breath he'd been holding.
Less obviously, West did too.
But their relief was shortlived, for at that moment the trap mechanism of the water chamber came loudly and spectacularly to life.
Okay, I'll give him this: that's actually pretty funny, as chapter endings go. The downside is that it's supposed to be serious. He also tries to end every chapter like that. The spelling of "shortlived" as one whole word was also his doing. Maybe it's an Aussie thing.
Well, now that the traps are triggered, it really comes into its stride. Having fun yet? Who's your favourite? Old Guy? Main Guy? Woman? Black Guy? Spanish Cameo Guy? Titus Pullo? I'll start a poll when the rest (the other three, that is) are introduced.
See you next week folks.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 6

On the advice of one of this blog's few readers, I have decided henceforth to pronounce "CIEF" as "Keith", which is more amusing to me, especially with the dialogue and writing we have in the future.
With what I hope was a moment of quiet, contemplative reflection on the fragility of human resistance in that interlude, I hope we can ease ourselves back into the riveting race to unrivalled riches.

The Entry Shaft
Or gay porn.
West sizzled down the drop-rope, shooting past three steeply slanted cross-shafts that intersected with the main shaft.
Porn Count: 4
His falcon sat snugly in a pouch on his chest, while on his head he wore a weathered and worn fireman's helmet, bearing the badge "FDNY 17".
Matthew, was there really much need for you to make a big deal out of a fireman's helmet? Unless, of course, Horus is wearing the helmet, which it can seem like if that sentence is read correctly. Also, "his falcon" has a name.

His name is Captain. This also is, presumably, what Matthew West thinks Jack West looks like when doing Jack West things.

The battered helmet was fitted with a wraparound protective eye visor and, on the left hand side, a powerful pen sized flashlight.
He has seen it fit to describe the helmet, more than the 9 principal players of our story.

The rest of the team wore similar helmets, variously modified with flashlights, visors and cameras.
West eyed the cross-shafts as he slid down the rope. He knew what perils lay within them.
Porn count: 5.
"Everyone. Stay sharp. Do not, I repeat, do not make any contact with the walls of this shaft."
Oh! Some tension! Will they die? Will Fuzzy make it! I hope that Pooh Bear and Stretch make it, and that Big Ears makes it out in time to declare his love for Noddy! Those two belong together, ever since they found themselves trapped in a cavern in the dark after a cave in, and they kept themselves warm by holding each other close, discovering long dormant feelings about the other which awakened at that very moment, responding to the tough, strong, yet gently touch of the other, until they could not find where one began and the other ended...
So! How does this play out?

He didn't and they didn't.
Well that solves that then.

Safely, he came to the bottom of the rope.

The Atrium
West emerged from the ceiling at one end of a long stone-walled room, hanging on his rope.
He did not lower himself to the floor, he just kept himself hanging 8 feet above it.
So far so good.
By the eerie yellow light of his glowstick, he beheld a rectangular room about 30 metres long. The room's floor was covered by a shallow layer of swampwater, water that was absolutely crawling with Nile crocodiles-not an inch of the floorspace was crocodile-free.
Did he mention that there were crocodiles?
You could say that there were a... lotodiles!
Take some shots. And punch me for that pun.
And directly beneath West, protruding out of the water, were the waterlogged, half-eaten bodies of two twentysomething Sudanese men. The bodies lolled lifelessly as three big crocs took great crunching  bites out of them.
Called it, black guys died first. Fuzzy must be shitting himself now.
"Big Ears," West said into his throat microphone "there's a sight down here that's not PG-13. Tell Lily not to look down when you two reach the bottom of the rope."
At least he's confirming the age rating of the movie. But self-awareness will not save you now, Matthew.
"Roger to that boss" came an Irish accented reply over his earpiece.
West fired a luminescent amber flare down the length of the atrium.
It was as if the chamber came alive.
Deeply cut lines of hieroglyphs covered the walls, thousands of them.
At the far end of the chamber, West saw his goal: a squat, trapezoidal doorway, raised several feet off the watery floor. The eerie yellow glow of the flare also revealed one other important feature of the atrium -its ceiling.
Thanks for letting us know that, Matt. We're about to be introduced to one of the few creative things in this book, which makes it stand above the usual crowd of villains and "dramas" of his other works (like the Scarecrow novels). That is the trap system he's invented for each of the wonders. They basically act as things to brutally murder the 400 or so men following them, as well as show us how "clever" his team is, in that they read up on them before hand or work out the exact dimensions and functions of the traps merely by looking at them.
Embedded in the ceiling was a line of handrungs, leading to the far raised doorway. Each rung, however, was lodged into a dark square hole that disappeared up into the ceiling itself.
"Wizard," West said "I've got handrungs."
Fucking beautiful. Is this some form of advertising campaign in the same vein as "Got Milk?" Because if it is, I have to say that it's working. I've a craving for some handrungs now. But seriously, could he not have used any other line which would not have sounded half as stupid? For example:
"Wizard, how does this work?"
"Wizard, is there a trap here?"
"Wizard, should we be careful with this one?"
"Wizard, will you please stop pissing on the corpses of the black people?"
"According to the inscription in Imhotep's tomb, we have to avoid the third and eighth rungs," Wizard's voice said "Drop cages above them, the rest are okay."
I'm happy to know that it's Wizard's voice and not some other dick-spanner trying to have any lines in this piece.
"Gotcha"
The Eight traversed the atrium quickly, swinging hand over hand down the length of the chamber, avoiding the two suspect hand rungs, their feet dangling just a few feet above the crocs.
It's good that Wizard's not being a dick at this point, because their lives are almost literally in his hands. He could say practically anything and they'd believe him.
"Yeah, the rungs are all traps, so you'll just have to jump it."
Also, I guess we should start calling this place an... Eightrium!

The little girl -Lily-
Thanks for reminding us Matt. We know she's the little girl. She was mentioned a few sentences ago. Take a shot.
moved in the middle of the group, clinging to the biggest trooper of The Nine, her hands clasped around his neck, while he swung from rung to rung.
It's just occurred to me: Wizard's actually still with them at this point, so why make this big deal about the throat microphones when the man could just stand behind Jack and tell him what needs to be done, rather than faffing about with technology and the like?
Oh, wait, that would mean Reilly wouldn't get a chance to tell us that they have mircophones beneath their fireman's helmets.

The Low Tunnel
A long low tunnel led away from the Atrium, heading into the mountain.
West and his team ran down it, all bent forward.
Porn count: 6. Yeah, it's tenuous, but don't take this away from me. Also, I know at least one of them's going to be bent forward, as he's carrying a kid on his back.
Horus had been set free and she flew out in front of West, gliding down the passageway.
Be free Horus, you magnificent bastard! Be free of this book!
Lily ran fully upright.
Oh, so he's put the kid down now. I wish he'd kicked her to the crocodiles, for reasons we are about to see. Where is she in relation to the others? If she's at the back, then that's dangerous as she will fall behind. If she's in the middle, that will be safer but will slow the group, as she'll be at a slower pace to the "professional" soldiers. Matthew gives some UTTER bullshit Mary Sue backstory to her later about how fit she is and how she's perfect at everything and "adorable" in every way, but FUCK. THAT. There is no way she'll going to be keeping pace with these guys. Not even Pooh Bear. Oh, yeah, you've not met Pooh Bear properly yet. Don't worry, nobody has.
Water dipped from the low stone ceiling, but it hit their fireman's helmets and rolled off their curved backs, away from their eyes.
An important detail, I'm sure you'll agree. I can't complain though, at least he's giving us details.
The tunnel was perfectly square -1.3 metres wide, 1.3 metres high. Curiously, these were the exact same dimensions as the passageway inside the Great Pyramid at Giza.
Like the entry shaft earlier, this horizontal tunnel was intersected with three cross-shafts: only these were vertical and they spanned the entire width of the tunnel, cutting across it via matching holes in the ceiling and floor.
Seeing as how this was designed by a Pyramid maker and they each had a certain "trademark", it's not really that curious. And this room sounds awfully weird and awfully durable, considering the design.
At one point, Lily's guardian, the large trooper named Big Ears
Gunman, his name is Gunman. Don't call him that retarded fucking name.

I have also decided that he is Titus Pullo. Not Ray Stevenson, but Titus Pullo. Not a man acting like Titus Pullo, but Titus Pullo. Tius Pullo.

mis-stepped -landing on a trigger stone just before he leapt across one of the cross shafts. 
He knew his mistake immediately and stopped abruptly at the edge of the shaft-
No.
Matthew, you can't do this. You proclaim to be about the pace and action, but you nonchalantly chuck in that line about Big Ears, I mean Titus Pullo, setting off one of the traps which you centre your action set pieces around. There's no drama or gravitas behind this action, it's just a thing which happens as often as Titus Pullo wiping his nose. For fuck's sake, this is fucking awful.
- just as a gushing waterfall of swampwater came blasting out of the upper hole, forming a massive curtain of water in front of him, before disappearing into the matching hole in the floor.
So he avoids the trap. Well, at least I should be thankful you're not killing off our characters before we get to know them. We at least now know that Titus Pullo is a pillock in this universe.
Had he jumped, the rush of water would have taken him and Lily down into the depths of the lower hole.
Good.
Wait, Lily's on his back again now?
Also, we know what that trap would have done, Matthew, thank you.
"Careful, brother dearest," the team member in front of him said after the water had passed. She was the only woman in the group, and a member of the crack Irish commando unit, the Sicathen Fhianoglach an Airm. Old call sign: Bloody Mary. New one: Princess Zoe. Her brother, Big Ears, was also a member of the SFA.
Take shots for the codenames.
Only now are we learning that they're siblings? It's nice of you to tell us, don't get me wrong, but you can't keep doing it like this. It may be inconvenient to have a long paragraph of description for all of them, but this is only marginally better. Believe it or not, Matthew, if you throw us into the action like this, I don't give a fuck which of them makes it.
She reached out and caught his hand and with her help he leapt over the cross-shaft and, with Lily between them, they took off after the others.
That sentence was fucking terrible.
There are two diagrams on the next page. Drink.
I'm not even fucking going there. See you next chapter.

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 5

My apologies for the delay, life gets in the way of Matthew Reilly sometimes.
When we last left our intrepid adventurers, Jack West Jr and his team of foreign psychopaths were about to jump into the hole. Let's see if Matthew Reilly can drag this out and add something stupid.
Just then, with a squawk, a small brown peregrine falcon swooped in from above the treeline and landed on West's shoulder-
I take it back. He has repaid our patience by bringing us our best character. Seriously, this bird is the best due to not having to speak any of his dialogue and by virtue of being actually worthy of a stupid codename.

And also judges me for reading this.

the high flying bird from before.

Thank you Matt. I was getting worried that we had two different birds swooping above the treetops. Not that anything can replace our beloved falcon...

It eyed the area around West imperiously, protectively. Its name, Horus.
Well, Matthew has at least expanded his vocabulary with the word "imperiously". But take a shot for that final sentence.
West didn't even notice the bird. He just stared down into the dark brown hole in the mud, lost in thought.
He didn't notice the bird? I know at Matthew is trying to make him seem "cool" and "driven", but would you really have, as leader of your expedition to save the world, a man who cannot notice a peregrine falcon swooping around his fat Australian head? I doubt that this man would notice a pirate crack orgy happening right under his nose.

This is literally the first picture which came up on Google image search for "Pirate crack orgy"

He brushed back some mud from the edge, revealing a hieroglyph cut into the rim:
"We meet again" he said softly to the carving.
Scratch that.
He's a madman who talks to carvings even when death birds are circling his head. You wouldn't follow Ted Bundy into the Eden Project, so why would you follow this man into temples in the Sudan?
He turned "Glowstick"

Scalpel. Tweezers. Glowstick.

He was handed a glowstick which he cracked and tossed into the hole.

It fell for 20 feet, illuminating a pipe-like shaft on its way down, before -splonk!- it landed in the water and revealed-

Splonk. He got money for writing that.

Lots of crocodiles. Nile crocodiles.

Two shots.

Snapping, snarling and grunting. Sliding over each other.

Why does everything he write sound like porn? Can we skip this stupid adventure and have 8 pages of the croc-orgy? Which, presumably, Jack West Jr will never notice without the aid of his glowsticks.

This was both the first and safest picture for "crocodile porn" on Google. Don't Google it. Please.

"More of Sobek's minions" West said "Nice. Very nice."

We get it Matt, he's Australian.

Just then the team's radioman, a tall Jamaican with bleached dreadlocks, a heavily pockmarked face and tree-trunk sized arms, touched his earpiece in alarm.

Stop.

For fuck's sake. The token black character is literally a gigantic black man, complete with dreadlocks. For fuck's sake Matthew.

This. Basically this.

His real name was V.J Weatherly, his original call sign Witch Doctor, but everyone here just called him Fuzzy.

So, wait, you're saying that he's not called "Fuzzy" because of the little girl (contradicting a statement you made only a few pages ago), but because the team cannot be bothered to pronounce his real name, which consists of initials anyway? I'm betting Wizard has something to do with this. And that Jack West Jr hasn't even noticed that the man's black. He will once he pops another glowstick.

"Huntsman" he said "the Europeans have just breached the Third Gate. They're inside the Grand Cavern. Now they're bringing in some crane to overshoot the lower levels"

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!

"Shit..."

"It gets worse. The Americans just crossed the border. They're coming in fast behind us. Big force: 400 men, choppers, armour, with carrier-launched fighter support on the way. And the ground force is being led by the CIEF."

On a serious note: The chief problem with Matthew's dialogue is that he not only does not know how human beings talk, but that he cannot differentiate between them. That dialogue can not only have been said by any other character in the party, but also could have not been dialogue and would actually have made more sense as a line he'd written himself.

That really got West's attention.

Oh, so initials wake this man from his glowstick induced stupour? Of course!
The CIEF -the Commander-in-Chief's In Extremis Force, pronounced "seef"- was America's very best special operations unit, a unit that answered only to the President and possessed the real life equivalent of a license to kill. As West knew from hard experience, he didn't want to be around when the CIEF arrived.
He stood up. "Who's in charge?"
Fuzzy said ominously, "Judah."
I've had a look, and can find no such thing as "CIEF". There are mentions of a "CIF" which is functionally the same thing and, from what little there is to go on, is more of an ad-hoc group of men and women from different fields and special forces backgrounds. Though information on them is sparse, I'll let it slide, as it technically, kind of, sort of exists.
The real humour comes from the writing here. He's really piling on the "tension" and "drama" here. Though it's another case of telling rather than showing us, he's tried giving us more of a glimpse into Jack West Jr. I think he also picked the name "Judah" because it sounded evil (Like Marshall, Victor or Colin) without realising that it would sound ridiculous when said by Fuzzy and without also realising that the most famous "Judah" in the world (and thus the one most likely to be conjured up by the mention of the name) is this guy:

Judah Friedlander. Frank from "30 Rock" to most. I had to look that up.

Which, I hope you don't mind me saying, is not the sort of thing which fills me with dread. Unless I have to watch every single episode of "30 Rock".
Secondly, his "past experience" with the CIEF is never actually shown, stated or even hinted at. He knows two of the guys in it, that's it. He never even served with them. Unless Matthew's hinting at previous encounters one the quest (which we never see, despite the many flashbacks in the novel), then we have actually learned less about our "hero" than we knew already, and are leaving with more questions. And all of my questions involve pirate crack orgies and crocodile porn.
"I didn't think he'd come himself. Damn. Now we'd really better hurry."
The writers of "Armageddon" want their dialogue back.
West turned to his team.
"All right. Noddy -you've got sentry duty. Everybody else..."
Take four shots.
He pulled an odd looking helmet from his belt, put it on.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to porn again.
"... it's time to rock and roll."
That's the line you're going with? Alright. You're the boss. I just thought that since we're saving the world and not building a shed, you'd want to use a more appropriate line.

And so into the subterranean dark they went.
Fast.
A steel tripod was erected above the pipe-like shaft and, led by West, one after the other, eight of the Nine abseiled down it on a rope strung from the tripod.
That's a lot of gay innuendo. Instead of making gay jokes, from this point onwards I'm going to keep a tally of gay jokes I could have made. It's far, far easier this way. Take a shot for the "Fast" sentence. Also, it's nice to see that Matthew can do maths.
One lone man, a dark-haired Spanish commando -once known as Matador, now Noddy- remained up top to guard the entrance.

Finally! The men we have been following for this long have taken the plunge and dived down the pipe, sweaty and greasy from all of this hardcore action we've been having. They leave one man at the end to make sure nobody else tries to cram anything in, and to keep an eye out for other men. They've even brought special equipment to make the hole-
I'll stop.
There will be a short interlude before the next chapter, for reasons which I hope will become clear. Join us next time for some sweet, sweet architectural action!