Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Prologue

I've decided that rather than having scattershot posts on various things on here, I shall instead channel my efforts into examining and enjoying/mocking the works of one of the greatest writers of our age: Matthew Reilly.

I discovered Matthew Reilly when I was but a simple, awkward teenager, and swiftly realised that he is living proof that "The Book" is not always better than "The Movie".
People say that Dan Brown writes screenplays. Matthew Reilly one-ups him by writing 90s screenplays, as directed by Michael Bay. Early, "Bad Boys" and "The Rock" Michael Bay. With perhaps a touch of every straight to DVD action movie ever.
His first novel, as well as the first I read, "Contest", is a book about a doctor who does battle with alien crocodiles, space minotaurs, a gigantic spider-stick insect and Galactic Ghost in New York's central library, aided only by a rookie cop and a space midget.
It is therefore one of the best things ever.

Despite one of the most generic front covers imaginable

An Australian, his books have gained momentum after he wrote the "Scarecrow" series focusing on Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield, US Marine, badass and tormented soul, who basically wanders into "intense" situations and has to deftly avoid plot twists and his own colossal balls on every page, whilst figuring out which of his multinational team in every book will betray him. Spoiler: It's always the suspicious looking one.

But I am not doing the Scarecrow series, at least not yet.
Neither am I doing his most recent work, which is Jurassic Park with dragons.
Nor am I doing "Temple", his hilariously amazing "Congo" tribute, whereby a team of hotshot scientists and soldiers must do battle with panthers, Nazis, Nihilists and an Incan temple in order to find a magic space rock which can power a doomsday weapon.
He has written a sillier book.

It is called "Seven Ancient Wonders" and focuses on the efforts of "Jack West Jr.", who is (surprisingly) his first Australian protagonist, and therefore has been written as an unstoppable killing machine (one of the few realistic things in his books) with a metal arm.
He leads his wacky team of multi-racial men (and token woman) on a quest to SAVE THE WORLD. Much like his other novels, there is an animal sidekick, as well as a child of genius intellect.

It also seems to be an Indiana Jones remake

Now, I shall be reviewing each section (there are no chapters, it makes it more INTENSE), which I shall be hand-typing up here in a different font, with my snarky commentary beneath. To avoid copyright issues, I must state that I am doing this for parody/review purposes, and also urge you to buy his books (seriously, they have to be read to be believed).

I also must say that Mr Reilly seems like a genuinely nice guy and I enjoy his books. Despite how silly they are.

You may drink along to this if you wish. I enclose the rules here.
Take a shot every time:

1. A sentence is 5 words or less
2. The chapter ends on a cliff hanger
3. There is a diagram/map
4. Somebody has a "Mysterious Past"

Tartarus Mode (Additional rules for the hardcore)

1. Every time he name drops a gun
2. Every time somebody has a ridiculous name.
3. Every time somebody has a ridiculous code name.
4. Every time something defies the laws of physics.
5. Every time something happens in a Michael Bay movie

So, with no further ado, let us begin the delights of "Seven Ancient Wonders"...