"Death of a Unicorn" - Review

Corporate lawyer Elliott (Paul Rudd, ever reliable) has recently been widowed and immerses himself in his work. He is invited to a corporate retreat at the Leopold Estate, owned by his bosses at a pharmaceutical giant, alongside his morose vaping daughter Ridley (Jenna Ortega, always welcome) so as to assess his potential as executor of their estates. Along the way, the pair hit a unicorn with their car. In trying to hide the body, father and daughter become wrapped up in their own strained-relationship, the ambitions of head of Elliott's boss Odell Leopold (Richard E Grant, hell yes) and an ever escalating unicorn problem on the property as vengeful parents seek their spawn.

This really should have worked when embracing the madness of its concept, and indeed there are parts of the satirical part which do (the unicorns showing more care for their spawn than the Leopold clan; Will Poulter who steals the show as their idiot son, snorting unicorn horn like cocaine and having visions of the future; and the plot essentially being capitalists brutalising and slicing up the remains of something wonderful in order to secure more profit); however its lack of focus means most things do not land as well as they should. The father-daughter relationship of Rudd and Ortega lacks the pathos and warmth it needs, and the humourous parts are too infrequent to make up for the lesser scares and tension building. It's fine as is, but could have been a lot worse. I prefer a swing and a miss than generically competent.

"Novocaine" - Review

Unassuming assistant bank manager Nathan Caine (Jack Quaid) has something of a problem: in addition to his 90s protagonist name, he has CIPA: a condition which means he cannot feel pain or changes in temperature. Living quietly by himself, with a bump-proof house and videogames, his life changes for the stranger when he meets Sherry (Amber Midthunder), a new employee who seems to hit it off with him! But when the bank is robbed, and Sherry is kidnapped, Nathan chooses to take the initiative and rescue her.

I wanted this to be fun, from the trailer and the oddball 90sness of its premise, and the movie delivered. Quaid is excellent in the lead, playing an everyman oddly well despite his lineage (and looking more and more like Sam Lake every day...), and Midthunder is fun! The film never quite reaches the full lunacy of its promised premise, but it has fun with it and embraces the gore and silliness. Bett Gabriel and Matt Walsh turn up to play a fun pair of cops, adding spice to proceedings, (everything is improved by Betty Gabriel) and it was what I wanted the film to be.

"A Working Man" - Review

Former Royal Marines Commando Levon Cade (Jason Statham) has not only the most Jason Statham name, but the most Jason Statham life: he works as a foreman at a construction site under good, clean, Christian, "pulled up by his bootstraps" Joe Garcia (Michael Pena) and his wife Carla (Noemi Gonzalez), when their spunky, equally Christian daughter Jenny (Arianna Rivas) is kidnapped by people traffickers, to be sold bespoke to a vaguely ethnic sleaze. Cade must call upon his skills to rescue her, coming across Russian mobsters and more, in his quest for vengeance and good old American Christian values!

After "The Beekeeper", which he directed so poe-facedly as to make absolutely hilarious, and amazing nonsensical fun, David Ayer had been on something of a comeback for me (the line on the poster and in the trailers proudly boasting "From the Director of Suicide Squad" is not the flex you think it is, studio), and I adore Statham movies: he's the last of a dying breed in the "Action Movie Star" (well, him and Scott Adkins, who absolutely rules. Watch "Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning!"). I always know what I'm getting, I know what I'm after, and I know how to separate a good Statham from a bad, even his more experimental fare has its charms: I for one enjoy "Wild Card" as the 70s character piece throwback that it is, "Parker" is actually not too bad an adaptation, and I have nothing but praise for "Hummingbird" and the oddball casting of "Homeland".
This is going to be a ranty one, folks.
You don't see the "keep politics out of my films" crowd talking about this one, funny that...
Action movies, if you want to read into them, and especially the type of 70s macho throwbacks Statham does, are inherently right wing in their scope: a sculpted Adonis growling and snarling their way through (often foreign) bad dudes here to do bad things to our chicks and upholding that ideal of American exceptionalism (odder considering Statham is British and the kings of these, Lundgren and Arnie, are the most Swedish and Austrian men alive, but regardless) in a glorious orgy of violence. Look, I'm oversimplifying it, but if you want to look, it's always there. But I never gave a shit, because the movies are fun, or engaging on their own terms, or they are entertaining and it's never really there or prevalent and only there if you are searching for something.
So noticing it here shows how bored I was.
The movie (written by Stallone, apparently, which... huh) has a bizarre Christian overtone to it all (it's been there in Ayer's previous works, usually in the "urban gangstaness" of it all) from the large looming Christ skull bunker owned by the biker gang leader with a right-hand man named "Demon", to the frequent prayers and the weird side track where the kidnappers (honestly the highights of the movie for me performance-wise: Eve Mauro and Emmet J Scanlon, quite fun characters and performances here!) mock and sneer as their kidnap prays in the car, loudly proudly proclaiming that there is no God.

It's supremely jarring in the greater scheme of things. We have the rather... poorly done trafficking angle to contend with too, oh boy...
So, people traffickers do not spy on, kidnap and pilfer attractive Middle Class good American girls for bespoke buyers in the city, they do it in bulk with poorer migrants, simply lying about jobs in new countries. I know it's a minor thing, seemingly, and nit-picking to gripe with it, but Ayer tries to ground the affair with that usual "gritty flair" which served him (well?) in "The Beekeeper" and was in his other works, rather than leaning into the silliness of the plot as it goes on (Statham ends up doing battle with gold-decked Russian mobsters and charging a barn of sex criminals in the Bayou) so it all feels mean-spirited. Where it could be having fun with it or going for those old-school thrills of a one-man army going for gold, it instead tries to be a gritty gangster thriller with serpentine plots and betrayals and Byzantine double crosses as villains turn on each other, work for other villains and have their own ideas and schemes. It doesn't add depth, because there is none as they are still merely "wacky cartoon villains" who eat babies and enjoy sexual assault. So it just becomes flat and boring.

I'd be fine if there was a sense of effervesence or energy to the fights, but they are few and far between. So okay, maybe it's being a fun detective thriller in the interim? Also no. This convoluted plot continues to go nowhere in two places: a pair of bent cops arrive (not to be confused with the one good cop whom Statham calls for one scene and advice) and help in a kidnapping, ooh boy! Villains and a new threat for us! Only Statham never meets them and they get killed off by a crazy Russian who brings a gold plated tripod machine gun to nightclubs: for you see, killing police? That is a bad thing, even if they are bent (but one feels bad about it, so you know: all good) and thus out "morally grimy world" can't have its waterboarding hero murder police! Because that would be bad!
Oh yeah, the waterboarding.

Between this and "Expendables" (and one of the "Rambo" movies if I remember correctly) I'm starting to think Stallone has a fetish for it. There's lots of effort put into framing it and shooting it, and whilst Ayer adds a sickly green lighting over it, it's still framed as working, as great to do, as something this guy deserves, and also pretty cool. It's just another thing supremely jarringly added onto this rollercoaster with the grace of granite anal beads attached to a motorbike.
The movie has a worshipful, almost beatific belief in the supremacy of the military: not as they are, but this ideal it holds aloft. Again, a classic piece of fare for this work, but taken to extremes: the only people Statham is ever shown being nice to are David Harbour's blind woodsman (who loves the military, though he lost his eyes due to it, unqeustioningly) who supplies him with shedloads of weapons for his murders, and the Christian meth dealer biker when he finds out he was a soldier, so in between the mass murders, Statham manages to place a knife into his throat in a fight more one-sided than the finale of a Seagal flick, and pensively closes his eyes with his hands as a show of respect.

Again, its odd to see it come to the forefront after the rest of the picture, like the one-liners of Jenny when she is kidnapped. I am left bored by the fight scenes, and comotose by the detective work. Even the sillier moments are C-list at best, especially for the genre.
If you're a Statham fan, you're better off with "The Beekeeper" or "Hummingbird" and even "Wild Card". If you're into the mystery or the plot, look elsewhere.