Bullet Train - Review

A mismatched gang of misfits, madmen, maniacs and murderers gather together on a sleek, eponymous public transportation method. Ladybug (Brad Pitt) is a bespectacled "snatch and grab" specialist trying to rediscover his Zen and overcome his perpetual bad luck; The Prince (the delightful Joey King, in a cinematic release for a change) is an innocent British schoolgirl who may be bottled chaos; Tangerine (Aaron Taylor-Johnson, finally getting good roles again) and his brother Lemon (the always welcome Bryan Tyree-Henry, channelling his inner Daniel Kaluuya and making me think that the makers could only afford one of the "Widows" alumnii); dishevelled and desperate Yuji (Andrew Koji, becoming a favourite of mine); The Wolf (Bad Bunny), with an axe to grind; and a myterious 6th assassin all find that their paths are intrinsically linked, and that there is obviously a lot more going on here than meets the eye. As Ladybug tries to find a positive outlook on life and overcome his run of bad luck, he finds himself in the middle of a long-boiling, long overdue plot about to spew over into mad, wild violence.

This is not advertised as a comedy, but absolutely is.
A raucous, silly, candy-coloured kaleidoscope of carnage, with wacky characters thrown into a blender and allowed to rattled about in the confines of the soon to be bloody bullet train. The build up is intricate and convoluted, and by the end it peters out and collapses a little bit, but it rattles on by with a quick-fire speed, particularly with the excellent use of the title-card gimmick (which I am glad is making a comeback) that pays of in a good, silly way. The banter is quick-fire, but doesn't feel repetitive, the characters are all uniquely funny: from the stress-induced panics and desperate desire for peace of Ladybug (who realises that he is in way over his head), the "innocent schoolgirl" act of Prince working on every single person she meets without fail, to the personal highlights of Lemon and Tangerine bickering about Thomas the Tank Engine and being utterly, utterly British. Tyree Henry and Joey King (also playing it British) have pretty good and stable accents too, as a side note. The highlights are, personally speaking, Tangerine and Lemon: a wonderful double act with a sordid past and absolutely my bread and jam. A pair of bickering killers with a dry wit and lots of love for each other beneath their gritty exteriors.

I also appreciate how ridiulous Lemon looks, as well as how Tangerine is channelling his inner Matthew McConnohie.

The cast are having fun, particularly Pitt and the aforementioned Lemon and Tangerine, and the ever-bloody-excellent Hiroyuki Sanada shows up to bring gravitas and deliver the absolutely fucking raw line of "your guilt has rested upon your heads, I shall separate you from both", just delicious. I love that actor. Perhaps one of the larger surprises comes from our Lord and Saviour, Netflix Queen Joey King: finally getting a good film in the cinemas in forever

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(I see you "Shibumi" reference. Leitch had you in "John Wick" and will continue to ram that terrible bok down our throats)
It doesn't quite match her performance on "Nailed It", where she was pure, unbridled anarchy in the kitchen, but I like her as an actor: she really has fun with the part. The fight sequences are creative in their constraints, they are bloody, they are quite funny and, par for the course for a David Leitch movie, excellently choreographed. It has some slick, smart editing and a great sense of style, tonally there's never really any dissonance. An odd quirk of this is some of the unusual flashbacks and callbacks, which could have been left out, but work here. Some may dislike the longer-than-usual buildup, and there are a few jokes which go on a little long, but there's enough playful fun and wackiness to keep the film bouncing along. The finale does drag, having the worst excesses of "Hobbs and Shaw" as it leaves the train and gets too-CGI heavy, and a couple of cameos get distracting (though one of them is played for laughs, and a sex joke), but it's not a deal-breaker.
I do also wish that the Conductor gag had kept going, it's underused and never comes back.
I recommend this film as a raucous wild ride.
Side note: Rex Reed, who is still getting work apparently, calls this the worst film he has ever seen. If that is not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is.

Also I'm not going to talk about the White-Washing of the book, I'm not touching that beehive with a bargepole held by another person.