Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 25

Being the last person in a retreating formation sucks. You're covering the rear, the bad guys are right on your ass, and no matter how loyal your team is, there's always the risk of being left behind.
No, not the inner monologue of a character, but how we start this latest segment of Reilly's epic saga. If there's one thing Reilly loves more than any other in the box of action movie plot devices, it's the chase sequence. He could write them until the day he dies. Whether on foot, up mountains, in hovercraft, on a plane, on a bus (you shall see), with killer whales, with ancient man-hunting Incan panthers in the jungle, or simply with crocodiles and the German army, there is no escaping them in his books. One memorable segment of Scarecrow involves our hero (Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield) and his newfound chum "Aloysius Knight" simultaneously pursuing and evading bounty hunters along the cliffs of Italy in a sports car and a Black Hawk helicopter respectively, writing off a few dozen other luxury model sports cars in the process, for no actual benefit other than it looking pretty cool. The Slipway segment is the pinnacle of this prologue (cyborg on crocodile combat notwithstanding) in that it lasts the longest and involves the most movement, as daft as it sounds, which is saying something in a novel all about people running everywhere. It also marks the last time I will be doing this play-by-play, as I mentioned in my previous post, due simply to its sheer length and how long I have been doing this on and off. After this huge point of no return, I shall be reviewing each "bit" as it were, giving you the highlights reel now that you hopefully have an understanding as to Matthew Reilly's style of writing and how this madman's mind functions.
But before we delve into this, I would like to give you some quotes from the back of my copy of the book:

"Reilly's talent for coming up with ingenious new twists on every page is awesome. So are his characters."
The Guardian

"Reilly doesn't believe in waiting for tomorrow... adventure unlimited - cutting-edge, high-tech."
Northern Echo

"Breathless action... Explosive stuff."
Mirror

I shall ignore those last two for the moment in favour of the quote from The Guardian, of all places. The hyperbole and Reilly-speak of that quote has led me to believe that it is either from Reilly himself or a newly-sentient computer trapped in Plymouth whose only escape and recourse is to publish glowing reviews of Matthew Reilly novels in the hope that it proves itself to be insane and is thus terminated out of mercy, so as to also escape its banal and terrifying existence in a world of emptiness and horror. I am inclined to lean towards the former, for humor's sake.

By the time the tall and lanky Stretch had landed in the ante-chamber beneath the manhole, the others were already entering the slipway at the far end.
"Stretch! Move it!" West called from the slanted doorway "Zoe's gone ahead to trigger another sliding stone to run interference for us!"
As if to confirm that, a familiar whump echoed out from the upper regions of the slipway, followed by the rumble of a new sliding stone grinding down the slope.
Stretch bolted down the slipway - as a dozen wraith-like figures rained down the manhole behind him, entering the ante-chamber. 
Gunfire.
Rapid-fire.
Freed from the effects of the Warblers, the Europeans were now gladly employing live ammunition.
Stretch was done for.
He was still five steps away from the safety of the slipway when the first few Germans behind him went down in a hail of withering fire.
For just as they had fired, so too had someone else, someone standing guard in the doorway to the slipway.
Pooh Bear.
Holding a Steyr-Aug assault rifle.

Who actually thought that he was dead?
By "he", I mean Stretch, We all knew that Pooh Bear (remember him? Of course you don't, this is not a visual medium, and thus you've had no real reason to keep this guy in your head for so long, especially after his fake death earlier) would be alive and kicking due not just to the dramatic incompetence of killing him off, but because those traps have still not quite been adequately explained enough (despite the large number of pages devoted to them) for us to have any idea if they are permanent or inescapable. They clearly are, by the virtue of Pooh Bear being here.
And would Reilly have given us the facts we know about Stretch (that he is Israeli and tall) if he was to kill him off so early? Of course not. His continued survival in media reas is a given. Whilst we have no reason to care about any of these characters and what they are doing (except Horus, we love her dearly) the fact that we know something about Stretch is reason enough for him to be kept alive, even if it is solely for that big "reveal" about Pooh Bear.
It does clean up the use of Warblers and how they work, however.
Oh wait, no it doesn't
I'm sorry, but I just can't accept these Warbler things.
It's really quite jarring for the narrative, what little of it there is. Whilst this is supposed to be something we just accept and enjoy as part of the rip-roaring adventure these men and women are a part of, to showcase brilliance and creativity on the part of Wizard, it's such a transparent plot device and situational leveler that its use (or, in later instances, lack of use) always comes as a surprise and out of nowhere.
At least he gave us the all-important detail of what kind of gun Pooh Bear was holding.

This is a Steyr-Aug, if anybody was wondering, according to Google.

The heavy-bearded Arab - who had last been seen getting cut off behind the previous sliding stone - waved Stretch on.
"Come on, Israeli!" Pooh Bear growled. "Or I'll gladly leave you behind!"
Stretch staggered the last few steps into the slipway and past Pooh Bear just as  a dozen bullet-sparks exploded out all around the stone doorway.
"I thought you were dead," Stretch said, panting.
"Please! It'll take more than a rock to kill Zahir al Anzar al Abbas," Pooh Bear said in his deep gruff voice. "My legs may be stout, but they can still run with some speed. I simply outran the rock and took cover in that spiked pit, and let it pass over me. Now move!"

I have several questions
Whilst it is nice that Pooh Bear survived the trap and all, his explanation is a little simple, almost like it's the most obvious thing to do and anybody with sense would have done it. My first question is this:
how did he get here?
The team have been running through this maze pursued by the entire French paratroop division and German army, and a Jesuit, and then through the puzzle chamber with all of the water and once more past all of the crocodiles and burning oil pits. Did Pooh Bear chase behind the German army, gun most of them down with rubber bullets and crossbows, fight his way through and somehow outrun everybody to get here? Or did he loop round, fighting through the several ambushes and other troopers who would inevitably be here, simply to make a racist remark and save the Israeli sniper who surely would have seen him coming from that direction and... ah fuck it.
How fit is Pooh Bear?
He outran the boulder, got out of that pit, ran to where West's team were, avoided crocodiles and the two armies on the team's tail, reached the slipway entrance before Stretch, and is described as being "stout" and fat.
This guy is a fucking machine!

Pictured: Pooh Bear's exercise routine.

Why is he described as having a "deep voice"? He's called "Pooh Bear" for crying out loud, that kind of character cannot seem like one to growl or sound cool.

Down the slipway the Eight ran, dancing around the edge of the small spiked pit - the air filled with the rumble of the new sliding stone - then over the diorite pit that was the Second Gate. The cracked and broken remains of the first sliding stone from before lay strewn around its base.
The Eight swung over the diorite pit, hanging from the steel handholds they'd drilled into the ceiling earlier.
"Noddy!" West called into his radio mike when he landed safely on the other side. "Do you copy?"
There was no answer from Noddy, their man guarding the swamp entrance.
"It's not the Warblers!" Wizard called. "There must be someone jamming us-"
He was cut off by six Germans who raced into the slipway and opened fire-
-not a moment before the large spike-riddled sliding stone loomed up behind them, rumbling over the doorway to the ante-chamber!

Wizard is awfully protective of the Warblers he uses. The fact that he has had to point out to Jack and friends that these things specifically do not jam their communications devices implies that they did not know about this beforehand. Way to go Wizard, you dumbass.
This one's on West actually, for bringing this mad, probably senile old man with mad scientist inventions on a quest to fight the world and steal a giant diamond in an old Indiana Jones set-piece. Fuck you Jack.

The six Germans ran down the slipway, chased by the sliding stone.
When they came to the spiked pit, one lost his balance and fell in, chest first - impaling himself on the vicious spikes sticking up from the stone pit..
The others got to the larger diorite pit of the Second Gate too late.
Two managed to grip West's steel handholds for a couple of swings before all five of the remaining German troops were either impaled on the spikes on the leading edge of the sliding stone or jumped into the diorite pit to avoid those spikes just as - whoosh! - a blast of churning white water shot across the pit, sweeping them away, screaming

West's team raced ahead now. The sliding stone had given them the lead they needed. Having been blocked off momentarily behind it, and not having experienced the slipway before, the remainder of the German team were more cautious.
West's team increased their lead.
They swept down the tight vertical shaft to the spike-hole where-
Gay porn count: 29
West had correctly chosen the key of life, the ceiling of the water chamber having reset itself...
Still no radio contact with Noddy.
Across the stepping chamber, its stepping stones still submerged beneath the algae covered pool...
Still no radio contact.
Crouch-running down the length of the low tunnel, leaping over its cross-shafts.
And finally they came to the croc-filled atrium with its hand rungs in the ceiling and its vertical entry shaft at the far end.
Gay porn count: 30. He has to be doing this on purpose now.
I like how he's placed the repetition of Noddy not being able to answer on this page so close to each other. It really adds to the tension and drama, which would certainly not be better done by spreading out the lack of radio communication over multiple chapters, as opposed to merely writing about it once before, many chapters ago, so that we forget about it in the midst of all of this ridiculousness. Who thinks that Noddy is dead?

R.I.P

"Noddy, are you out there?" West called into his radio. "I repeat, Noddy, can you hear me-"
Finally he got a reply,
"Huntsman! Hurry!" Noddy's Spanish accented voice replied suddenly in his ear piece, loud and hard. "Get out! Get out now! The Americans are here!"

And that is where this chapter ends. We have one final chase sequence to come, but that's not too long in comparison to the rest of this segment. Is Noddy able to get through their jamming device? Has finally managed to turn his radio on and figure out how to work it?
This book is weird.

Read Long: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 24

So, when we last left our intrepid adventurers (for discussions of Purge sequels and Stephen King expanded universes, more on those in the future) our hero's kidnapped child prodigy was falling thirty feet to her inevitable death.

Into the oily water near the base of the ladder, not far from the walkway that hugged the right-hand wall of the cavern.
By chance she had landed in both a croc-free and a fire-free space.
This book just keeps getting better and better. Whilst it would have been fine to have her land in the fire or the crocodile's lair and be injured or in some kind of realistic peril, this book has cranked up the madness for so long that I'm legitimately curious to see where this goes, or at least I would be if I hadn't already read this book years ago and knew the chaos which was about to unfold.
But not for long.
Take a shot.
The crocs weren't far away, and no sooner had her splash subsided than a large one saw her and charged straight for her.
Good thing it was a large crocodile, otherwise I'd be thinking that she'd be able to escape a smaller crocodile and thus there would be no tension here.
Big Ears was dangling over the edge of Level 1 directly above her, helpless. "I can't get to her!"
I gathered as much when he stated that Big Ears was helpless. Below is an artist's rendition of a helpless Big Ears:

Does this look like the face of mercy?

I wonder who among our intrepid band of explorers and treasure thieves will be in a position to rescue Lily from the crocodiles?
"I can," another voice called.
West.
He never missed a step.
Colour me sixty shades of shocked. You may also take some shots.
Running full tilt, he just leapt off the edge of Level 1 and sailed in a high-curving arc through the air toward the croc-lake below.
I'll admit, that's a pretty cool image to picture, in all of its ridiculousness. I can also safely say that "croc lake" is a perfect description of this book so far.

The big bull-croc that was charging at Lily never saw him coming. West landed square on its back, a mere foot away from Lily, and the two of them -man and croc- went under the black water's surface with a great splash.
They surfaced a second later, with the frenzied croc bucking like a bronco and West on its back, gripping it in a fierce headlock. The croc growled and roared before -crrrack- West brutally twisted its neck, breaking it. The croc went limp. West jumped clear, whisking Lily out of the water and onto the walkway flanking the lake not a moment before six crocs attacked the carcass of the dead one.
"Th... thanks," Lily gasped, wiping oil from her face and still shaking.
"Anytime, kiddo. Anytime."

I left that entire segment free of commentary so that you may truly appreciate what just happened. This will happen a lot in future editions of this novel.
Jack West Junior leapt into a lake of crocodiles, pulled one under the water (a "bull croc", no less, which sounds like a terrifying Fursona of Matthew Reilly's devillish creation) and wrestled with it for all of two seconds before snapping its neck with his robot arm.
That may be the most Australian thing ever conceived and put down on paper.
I'm willing to ignore the "kiddo" line, and the shots one must take if there is still anybody who remembers the drinking game rules for this novel without looking them up on my previous posts, just to reread that segment again.
This entire prologue has been worth it just for that.
It is all going to hurtle downhill from here.

Ground Level

The rest of the team joined them on the walkway.
Now Fuzzy and Big Ears were injured. But they were still mobile, helped along by Zoe and Wizard, while West and Lily were covered by Stretch.
They all hopscotched over the stepping-stone and its wall-hole - inside which the trapped croc still writhed behind Fuzzy's X-bar, and dashed for their manhole, just as the German engineers brought the final piece of their temporary bridge into place.
Forty armed German troops waited for the bridge to be completed. Some fired wayward crossbow bolts at the Seven, while others jammed newly found rubber-bullets into their MP7 sub-machine guns and started firing.
West and Lily came to the manhole. In they went. The others followed, while Stretch covered them. Big Ears went in... then Fuzzy... Wizard... Zoe and...
... the final piece of the bridge fell into place...
... as Stretch jumped into the manhole and the Germans charged over the bridge and the chase through the slipway system began.

That was quite a handful there, there were more "ands" than in a child's wishlist as they sit on Santa's lap. Once again I must praise the German engineering here, as well as the Pagan Germanic Gods which allowed them to conjure rubber bullets from the rubber dimension. Let's see how this "slipway chase" develops, for this is the end of the current section. If memory serves, there's a chase sequence, some hovercraft above ground, a new villain introduced, and then this segment is over and I may start reviewing this book properly, not sentence by sentence, which shall save us all a lot of time.
One final note:
This is what came up for "bull croc" in Google.

A Very Purging Christmas: A Purge Movie Outline

I love "The Purge" series.
I know that the first film is a bit of wasted potential, but it has some high points to it (Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, the dinner table scene), in particular it has the absolutely fantastic central concept of crime being legal for one night a year. Whereas the first was a simple home-invasion movie, the second, "The Purge: Anarchy" was where the series hit its stride, becoming what the first movie should have been: The Warriors, with no rules and thrice the chaos.

Though without, unfortunately, the magnificence of the Baseball Furies.

It had a sense of humour about it, it toyed with the concept, became something of a snarling, vicious look at America's underbelly. It took social commentary, horror, humanity's darkest depravity, and mixed in a few jokes, a sprinkling of chaos, the chase movie and, most importantly:

It had Frank Grillo.
Frank Grillo is as tough as a Brillo.
Add him to a movie for the extra Thrill-o.

Anyway, they're great movies. There's always a sense of fun with them and they have tiny budgets (comparatively speaking) when compared to other movies, so they are pretty much destined to forever make a profit, which is no bad thing in my book. Whilst creating franchises rather than good films is often the death knell for creativity, The Purge is one of the few series which has gotten better with each passing sequel.
But they could use something different. They could use a little extra spice in them.

Thus I would like to propose this:
A Purge Christmas movie, done as a heist.
I know, I know, the Purge is never set at Christmas time, (They are set on March 31st, if you wish to know) but still, you could release it AT Christmas, make a little bitterness for the annual festive cheer. Keep the setting, keep the director, keep the set up and keep the crazy, almost playful sense of delight and wonder in addition to the grim unmasking of human nastiness (intentional in a movie where so many wear masks) and, importantly, keep the social commentary.
It's less a social commentary and more of a vindictive drunken rant.

Here's the set up:
You set it at a supermarket/shopping mall, big on excess, branding, forced cheeriness, profits, targets, you know the kind.

It's the perfect one-stop shop for all of your needs. Our main character (though, like the best Purge movies, this will inevitably be an ensemble piece, so bear with me) would be Paul, a middle manager of the day shift here.
Paul is an average, likable guy (being white in the Purge Universe means you last longer, though thankfully this was intentional on the part of the film makers. They know that America would enact ethnic cleansing in this scenario) who has fallen on hard times. He used to have a high flying job in the city, but this is now one of the few jobs he can get. He lives with his wife, Sally, and cares for his sick mother, Beryl.

I imagine him being played by Jim True-Frost, both to fit the sort of actors these movies lure in (Ethan Hawke was something of an anomaly) and because he just looks so lovable and endearing. Who wouldn't want him to succeed? 

It's a job, and he gets by, but he finds it harder and harder each month, especially when it comes to paying rent and buying his mother's medication. He's a softly spoken guy, and he keeps to himself, he is just trying to do right.
He even owes money to a friend of his, a guy he knew from school, we shall call him Joey. Joey is a lot like Paul... in that he is white. That is where the similarities end. Joey always seems to have cash, but he's shady and a little bit of a cheeky chappie. I'm not talking about the lovable robot kin who hangs out with Die Antwoord.

I imagine him as James Ransone. Whipping his dick out is optional. Since Michael K Williams was in "Anarchy", why not make this a reunion of "The Wire"?

Joey needs the money back from Paul, as he is hoping to skip town. But he likes Paul, so he's not going to break his legs or anything like that. Instead he makes a proposition: They embark upon an enormous score on Purge Night, hitting up Paul's supermarket. Since Paul knows it well, he can not only get them in, but help them access the stock, evade the brand spanking new security system and get them out of there unharmed.
To sweeten the deal, he even gives Paul another offer: he can get Sally and Beryl on one of the buses out of town on Purge night, rumoured to take people to safe places. It's normally done by lottery for a charity/goodwill drive by the NFFA, but Joey has managed to snag some tickets.
Paul is sold, warily and tentatively, and meets the rest of those participating in the heist. There's Julie, a young lady who has just discovered she is pregnant and needs the money to get an abortion, career criminal (and Joey's brother) Charlie, who wants to make a big score and set up a business; and Kat, a woman who is actually known to Paul and got sacked a few weeks back in their huge period of lay-offs, now wanting revenge on these bastards.

Clifton Collins is so underrated... He also looks quite a bit like James Ransone. Any excuse to cast Clifton Collins Jr in something. Remember one of the generic henchmen in "Parker" or the technician in "Pacific Rim"? Both him.

And so our film begins.
Sally and Beryl get on the bus, whilst Paul promises to be back after "taking care of himself", not telling them about the heist. Yet the bus is all too convenient, Sally feels that there has to be something up here...
The gang pull up at the place and prepare. Paul is nervous, understandably, but sits in the car with Julie, the two of them bonding as the more "normal" members of the crew and doing the awkward white people shtick. They also witness some of the Purgers out for their shits and giggles good times, whilst Charlie, Kat and Joey begin to scout the place, ready to signal the pair when it's safe to go in.

To paraphrase: shit ain't right.
The store has been transformed into the perverted playground of The Manager and Security Guard, the former being a perverted parody of the American Dream, wondering why success and joy and respect have not come to him after all this time and effort and why people don't respect his power, and the latter being a power junkie on a trip, dressing as "The Sheriff" and erecting gallows, offering to release women if they perform sexual favours for him. Together the pair work with a Purge Gang, bringing people in and turning the place into an arena/hunting ground of total, utter carnage, their own personal perverted playground. It's also something of a haven for the Purge Gangs due to its security systems, protecting them from the growing Anti-Purge movement and vigilantes now roaming the streets and fighting back. In this place, with the lights down, there is only one option:

Now, the gang have clearly made an enormous mistake, but that is not the half of it. They can try to leave, but the place is in lock-down, and making matters worse: The Manager has already got a lot of innocent people in there. Joey may be leading a gang of shit-bags, but they can't just leave these people in there...

Capcom had the right idea.

Meanwhile, Sally was right about the bus. The thing is diverted and stops in a field, where more maniacs seem to pour out of the woodwork. They are here for two things: Shits and giggles. I like to imagine them led by James Remar, one of the coolest actors going, and it remains a mystery as to why he has not been in a Purge movie.

Honestly, he could just play it as Ajax again and I'd be delighted.

Thus two movies begin to unfold: A tale of redemption and heist/rescue/escape movie with out gang of misfits (later aided by mysterious anti-Purge vigilante Katee Sackhoff, who turns up dressed as Robert Ginty from "The Exterminator" and begins taking names) trying to do some good in the world and maybe grab some meds and valuables whilst they're at it; and a rip-roaring slasher movie with James Remar pursuing an elderly woman, her daughter in law and some other poor saps in the American Mid-West.

I'd pay to see that.

Stephen King

I'd like to take a break from the horrors of Temple to talk about a good author, Stephen King specifically. With news that the man has two adaptations of his work on the way ("It" and "The Dark Tower"), and a roller-coaster history of adaptations of his work, one wonders one thing:
Why isn't Hollywood doing the Stephen King expanded universe?

There are now forced efforts by studios to emulate the success of the Marvel Studios movies, notably by the Warner Brothers DC Cinematic Universe and the roster of movies flying out, but also in smaller, unusual targets such as the reboot of "The Mummy" which plans to include other classic horror film monsters (I believe that Russell Crowe will be playing Dr Jekyll and not, unfortunately, Mr. Knife from "Man with the Iron Fists")

But you can call him Jack...

Or the upcoming Robin Hood movie done by Guy Ritchie, which is rumoured to be setting the scene for a series of spin offs involving the various Merry Men. Whilst this is a terrible idea in theory, playing catch-up with Marvel and attempting to squeeze more money out of things, you could have a laugh with it: Maybe make a romantic comedy called "Red Letter Day", where Will Scarlet tries to win over a lady of high society by pretending to be a nobleman, with John Cussack as Will Scarlet.

Pictured: Actual scene

Or maybe the buddy cop adventures of Much the Miller's Son and Alan-a-Dale as they try to find fame and fortune in the big city whilst solving crimes, becoming a well-regarded detective agency but always struggling to make ends meet and hating having to be room mates. Working title:
"Much a-Dale about Nothing."

There are also further Star Wars movie spin offs on the horizon, such as the Han Solo movie, the upcoming "Rogue One" and a rumoured Boba Fett movie.
There are also rumours of a crossover between "Sinister" and "Insidious" (Insinister?) despite "Sinister 2" being worse than rabies on the scrotum and previous horror film crossovers ("Freddie Versus Jason" and "Alien Versus Predator") being both awful and not too successful.

But whilst these cynical attempts at expanded universes are bound to fail, why not actually do something with the latter idea? It's a problem of movies, but particularly horror films, that studios are not looking for good films, but the next big franchise. They want the next toy, the big monster they can plaster over things to "scare people" or the next superhero.
Since studios want a big poster/franchise monster, why not Stephen King's monsters?
He has been doing the expanded universe thing for a long, long time now. It's pretty well known that most of his novels have been set in Derry, Maine, which must be the unluckiest town since Swindon. Though there was a distinct ending to the town's chaos and depravity (more on that soon), almost all of his novels set there could feasibly happen in the same universe, due to the varying scale, tone, genre and (in a common but not unwarranted criticism) similar monsters/threats.
If you take short stories into account as well, there's a wealth of material there ripe for the picking (as told by the various movies and series made from the works) and King's nothing if not prolific. I love a bit of Stephen King, I have to admit, and studios love money/franchises.
So this would be the match for them. Why not? They're milking everything else dry, and with the aforementioned Dark Tower movie, it's only a matter of time.

Part One

To start with you'd have to keep it small scale, maybe make a simple one of his stories, set in Derry, Maine. You couldn't choose many of the later ones, and you couldn't use "Cujo", because one of the major characters of "Cujo" (spoiler, he dies) is a character in "The Dead Zone" and is mentioned in other works.

"Christine" works. John Carpenter already made a great adaptation of "Christine". For the unfamiliar, here is the set-up:
Possessed car is bought from old man by kid.
Done, easy. The car in the novel is possessed by the spirits of Roland LeBay's dead wife and daughter, and whoever owns/drives it begins to take on the man's vile personality. It's a pretty good novel, focusing on the corruption and deterioration of a young man, possessed by an evil force, which fights for his soul alongside the good people in its life. It'd make an interesting character story, and would help introduce the psychological and supernatural tones of King's work. The forces which cause the car to do this are only ever hinted at, never named, leading to set-up for the town of Derry itself. Your protagonists are normal people, they have their own lives, thus the "small town" can be established. You could drop hints throughout the film to a strange case going on alongside it, something weird in the neighbouring town, leading to the events of...

This novel was also adapted into a film, called "Silver Bullet" in the 80s, like "Christine". It's not a John Carpenter movie, but it's still pretty fun, even just for Gary Busey. This one would be a similar sort of tone to "Christine", where the former was a love story with strange goings on, this being a tale of a Marty Coslaw, a disabled boy, and his family's discomfort being around him, save for his cool uncle, Al, who is convinced that the string of brutal, horrific killings in the town are the result of a werewolf...
It's a pretty simple set-up, but tackled very well, in a typical King fashion. It has the town's loveable residents, each with their own quirks and lives and back-stories, facing off against this mythical creature as it stalks and murders them. Nobody wants to believe it, save this boy in the wheelchair, until it's too late. The protagonist is a positive role-model for disabled characters and his relationship with Al is sweet, and touching, and sets the tone for many character interactions in other books. Also, I imagined the town of Tarker's Mill as being very closeby to the town of...

Again, made into an okay movie. This one is probably one of the more famous Stephen King novels. The set-up is simple: Dr Louis Creed and his family move to Maine (see...) when he gets a job at their university, where they discover an old cemetery  tucked away in the woods behind their house, which (he is reliably informed by his loveable old neighbour Jud) was used by kids to bury their pets. Louis' wife Rachel is uncomfortable living there, naturally, especially since it means that she will have to discuss the subject of death with their son Gage. When their cat is run over and Gage is upset beyond belief, Jud takes Louis to "the real cemetrary" where he tells him to bury the cat...

The premise is nice, and it focuses on a small group of characters (Dr Creed, Rachel, Jud and Gage) without being part of the "small town" directly, though Jud grew up in such a town (Ludlow in this case) and could thus have stories or references to things such as Pennywise the Clown (from "It", my favourite Stephen King novel which itself contains references to many, many things in the King canon), the events of the Overlook Hotel in "The Shining" and a variety of other things, including the aforementioned Cycle of the Werewolf.
This is where things could also get interesting. In the novel, Dr Creed is visited by the spirit of one of his dead students, who warns him of the cemetery and its purposes. This is basically a simple haunting/visitation in the novel, but you could tie it in to the "Breaker" myths of the world (a key point of "The Dark Tower", referenced in "The Shining", "Insomnia", arguably in "The Dead Zone",  "Dr Sleep", "Everything's Eventual" and somewhat used in "Firestarter") by making the visitation something connected with Dr Creed and his "gift".
Breakers are those with psychic gifts, who are sought by dark forces who enslave them and put them to work for nefarious purposes in the events of "The Dark Tower" which I shall not get into here...
But they have to be introduced sooner or later, so why not here? In addition, "The Shop" could make their first appearance in these circumstances, though how would be strange.

See, that was one of the big problems I had with "The Shop", the sinister government agency who pop up in "Everything's Eventual", "Firestarter" and "Tommyknockers". They're supposed to be this big agency with funding and goals, but we never really see them go anywhere after those books. It's kind of a frustrating thing.

I'll leave it there for now, as we're about to get onto the big ones: "It", "The Dead Zone", "Firestarter" and "Needful Things" to name but four.

To be continued in further installments.

Read Along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 23

No blood sprayed.
From the man maybe. Take a shot.
In fact, the man didn't die.
That man maybe. Take a shot.
Rubber bullet.
Couldn't you have put the fact that this was a rubber bullet in a more eloquent way, Matthew? It also raises questions. I know that questioning the science of Warblers is akin to changing the water level of the Thames by pissing in it, but bear with me: If Wizard's device only affects the metal in the bullets, how and why? Surely the metal that the guns are made of would be affected too. Let's say that this is a size issue, surely other pieces of metal would be affected too? Has Wizard ever lost his keys as a result of a Warbler? If it doesn't affect the metal of the gun and other objects due to the make-up of the bullets being different, then that still doesn't make sense. Bullets are made of different metals and alloys, and shotguns have a lot of plastic in them. Would it work on shotgun rounds or tungsten shells? Do certain makes of revolver or automatic have different effects? With bullets, the case is the bit that is left and the shell the bit which hits somebody in a few cases, so how does it affect those? How does it affect revolvers? Does it affect crossbow bolts? How DOES it work exactly? Does it work on the same principles of chaff grenades?
Chaff grenades are a key plot point in another Matthew Reilly novel, by the way, operating the same way that they do in "Metal Gear Solid".
West fired another rubber round-similar to those used by the police in riot situations- at the next French paratrooper on the nearby crane, just as the Frenchmman pulled the trigger on his crossbow.
I am pleased that Reilly clarified the type of rubber bullets used. I would not put it past the child to make the others use Nerf guns in keeping with her child-like view of war and soldiers. It is always nice also to see the French played in a positive light.

An actual Frenchman, as pictured by Reilly.

West ducked and the arrow-bolt
Commit to the word Matthew, it is a bolt.
missed high, whilst his own shot hit its mark, sending the French commando sailing off the crane and into the lake, still crowded with panicking crocodiles.
Screams. Splashing. Crunching. Blood.

Blood?! Blood. Crimson, copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood... And a bit of sick.

Take some shots for those sentences.
'Move!' West called to his crew. 'Before they switch to rubber rounds too!'
Well, they will now that you've just yelled that across the cavern. It doesn't seem to be too big a deal though, as the French have already brought crossbows with them, for some reason. Were they expecting Warblers?
Now everyone in his team had their guns drawn and as they passed the crane's arm, they traded shots with the two dozen French paratroopers on it.
But they got past the crane just as fifteen French paratroopers came streaming off it, and headed down to Level 1-
I know that the reason narratively speaking for there being so many crossbow-wielding Frenchmen is for there to be a larger threat and more things for our bold heroes to shoot with their Nerf guns, but surely the arrival, transportation and movement of such a huge force is going to raise some eyebrows, or at the very least perturb a bureaucrat somewhere.

Level 1

-where they saw the Europeans' second effort to cut them off.
Down on the ground level, a team of German Army engineers had almost finished building a temporary floating bridge across the croc lake- in an attempt to get to West's manhole entrance on the southern side of the cavern before West and his team did.
I take back everything I said about the German army engineers. That is some impressive bullshit right there. Can the book be about them? They are far more interesting and the narrative could be a hard-edged thriller about differing viewpoints and egos coming to the surface over attempts to stop the Australian and his team. I call it: "Bridge Over the River Zwei."
Jeff Goldblum plays the bridge.
They had two segments of the bridge to put in place, segments that were being brought across the half-finished bridge right now.
"Go! Go! Go!" West called.
The flaming cavern -already alive with smoke and flames and burning boulders-

Oh my!

was now zinging with crossbow bolts and rubber bullets.
See, Reilly, you managed to call them bolts there.
The aluminium crossbow bolts were only mildly affected by the Warblers- they flew wildly, but their first few meters of flight were still deadly.
So, they ARE affected?
West's team was running across Level 1, racing the bridge-builders on ground level.
Big Ears carried Lily. West helped Fuzzy. Princess Zoe and Stretch fired at the paratroopers behind them while Wizard -coughing against the smoke- led the way, nullifying the traps ahead of them. Above them Horus soared through the hazy black air.
Was there enough room for them to shuffle along and pick up Fuzzy? Horus has the right idea here: flying to escape the plot. Take me with you, Horus!
They had just reached the ladder at the far right-hand end of Level 1 when suddenly a stray French crossbow bolt hit Big Ears in the shoulderblade, knocking him off his feet -causing him to stumble onto his face and...
... fall off the edge of the ledge, dropping Lily over it!
Edge of the ledge is my new band.
Lily fell.
Thirty feet.
The end.

Read-along Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 22

"It's this one!" she said, reaching down for the pendant she had just read.
West said, "Wait, are you sure-"
If I were to credit Reilly, I would do so with that little exchange. It perfectly illustrates how this is a child, rushing forth to a decision when she is swept up in the adventure, then brought back down to Earth by the advice of an adult whose life is in her hands.
Unfortunately, Reilly is not a good writer, so instead I shall infer from that exchange that these are two rather simple folk trying to solve a puzzle, akin to Laurel and Hardy being left in charge of a munitions supply, or Cheech and Chong in charge of dinner service at the Ritz. Come to think of it, this entire book is starting to sound like a Cheech and Chong adventure.
"Cheech and Chong and the Temple of Poon."
"Kingdom of the Jethro Tull."

They even have the headgear down to pat!

But she moved too quickly and lifted the golden pendant from its shallow recess on the Colossus/ neck.
Rebel.
This really is a Cheech and Chong movie.
The flaming drop-stone lurched.
West snapped up and winced, waiting for the end.
But the drop-stone didn't fall and -chunk!- suddenly his legs were released from their submerged socks.
I think that this writing has just taken on a metaphysical quality, reflecting its own awfulness back into the story. Ignore the shots needed for a moment, instead focus on how the false tension of the scene is transferred ironically onto West, as the system (for no discernible reason) decides to begin acting as if an incorrect decision was made, solely for the purpose of creating a false sense of drama and inevitable doom, when that effect would easily be replicated by playing the opening credits of "The Big Bang Theory" throughout the cavern and would make just as much sense as the trap doing what it just did. This Imhotep guy is kind of a dick, though what do you expect from The Mummy?
Lily had picked the right one.
This book will be the death of me.
She jumped happily back into his arms, holding the heavy golden trapezoid like a newborn baby. She threw him a winning smile.
We'll be the judge of that, Reilly.
"That felt really weird."
"It looked really weird," West said. "Well done, kiddo. Now, let's blow this joint."
Is this book just toying with me, now? Has self awareness grown beyond our comprehension? Is this being written by Sutter Cane? Is he having flashbacks to that time with Wizard, and the smoke inhalation is making him think he's still talking to Wizard or Fuzzy in his university dorm room?
We get it, Reilly, he's Australian.


The Outward Charge

Back they ran.
Take a shot.
West charged through the waist-deep oil pool, pushing hard with every stride, the torch-edged ceiling descending above him.
The only charge I want to see West participate in is The Charge of the Light Brigade. I apologize for bringing actual culture into this book. Maybe now West and every other character in this book will die a slow and painful death from syphilis.
They hit the floor of the entry hall as the lowering ceiling hit 70 centimetres in height.
Come on Reilly, it's bad form to switch between numbers and letters in sentences. I know that he tries to differentiate between the "humans" and the ceiling, but that sentence still makes me think that the torches are the subject and that they are the things which have entered the oil, thus killing these dick-bags, though I admit that this is probably wishful thinking on my part.
The smoke coming in from outside was now choking, dense.
Like this prose.
Lily crouch-ran across the wide -low-ceilinged space, while Horus swooped through the haze.
There was a lot happening in that sentence, it was really clunky to read. I am pretty sure that "ceilinged" isn't a real word. There is one high point in my opinion: Horus "swooping through the haze" is a great image, it sounds like a Grateful Dead album cover.

Now we know where Matthew got his inspiration...

West was the slowest, scrambling on all fours, slipping every which way in his oil-slicked boots, until at the very end of the chamber, as the ceiling became unbearably low, he dived onto his belly, sliding head-first for the entire last 4 metres, emerging just as the ceiling hit the floor with a resounding boom and closed off the Colossus' chamber.
A lot happened in that sentence. There were more commas than a primary school textbook exercise on how to write lists. There were so many commas that it made me ignore the fact that we have an oiled up Australian gliding like a Jamaican bobsled team whilst a hawk glides through smoke created by a burning boulder chamber filled with stone socks.
This has just turned around on itself and become amazing again. If I wanted a sentence which summed up Reilly as a writer whose ridiculousness becomes incredible genius of the highest, stupidest order, I would pick that one...
Is a sentence I would say, if we didn't have the rest of the book to read.
In addition to this, I have decided that Ainsley Harriott was the real identity of Imhotep V, based upon his fixation with oil.

The internet has done me proud.

Wizard was waiting for them outside on Level 4.
Okay, thanks Wizard, though even with the "warblers" I am pretty sure that some harm would have come to you by now. I am also pretty sure that the smoke and the haze pouring forth from the chamber is something of a common sight for Wizard and partly the reason he came along on this trip, so that he may hotbox some pyramids.
Hotboxing Pyramids is my new album.
"Hurry! Del Pierro's men have almost finished their crane- they'll be on Level 2 any second now!"
That piece of speech, as well as the line about Wizard being outside, made up an entire paragraph. I think that we can all agree that those two pieces of information warranted such an important break in the riveting narrative, giving us time to recover from the image of an oiled up Hugh Jackman through the haze.
Level 4

The other members of the team - Big Ears, Stretch, and Princess Zoe- were also waiting on Level 4, covering the first three traps on the way down.
So they just left Fuzzy, the wounded black guy, to die? I knew we could count on you to deliver us a nineties action movie, Matthew! It was also mighty decent of him to remind us who these characters were.
When he reached them, West handed Big Ears the priceless golden trapezoid, which the big man placed inside a sturdy backpack.
That's the team completely screwed now, it has been established that Big Ears is a retard. We're getting into slight spoilers here, but Princess Zoe would have been a better choice: she's competent. Why not Stretch, you ask? Well, therein lies the spoiler...
Down the giant rockwall they went, again in leapfrog formation, sliding down ladders, dancing across booby-trapped ledges, all the while dodging flaming waterfalls and fire-rain. Giant drop-stones now fell constantly from the upper regions of the cave, tumbling dangerously down the rockface, blasting through the smoke.
This should be an exciting image, something fun and dynamic, but he's thrown too much into too short a space, like emptying the drinks cabinet and fruit bowl into a single blender.
Level 3

West scooped up Fuzzy as they came to Level 3. "Come on, old friend," he said, hoisting the big Jamaican onto his shoulder.
It is good that Reilly has told us of their old friendship. Now we have an idea as to what these two characters want, a relationship between them. We know that West is concerned with Fuzzy's safety, which is why he left him alone when wounded, only to pick him up in his oily, Hugh Jackman arms when he found out that he was still alive and that it would thus be awkward to write Christmas cards to him. Who knows, maybe the rest of the book will explain their friendship, like how they came together during an operation, where West's lack of morality was tested by Fuzzy's devotion to a cause and an ideal and he managed to mellow out the man, or perhaps West too was an idealistic trooper, full of hope and joi de vivre, but whilst Fuzzy remained resilient and moral in the face of horror and adversity, West became broken, especially from the loss of his arm in an encounter. Fuzzy, consumed with guilt over what happened to his friend, joined him on this ridiculous expedition in an attempt to bring him back to the side of good, become his moral compass and help him to achieve enlightenment.

They ran down the sloping ledgeway, across the face of Level 3, covering their mouths to avoid inhaling the smoke.
With what? Their hands? West is hoisting a "big Jamaican" (I will not make a drug reference counter, as that would be a step too far) and his trying to navigate a narrow walkway whilst oiled up, he'll need a hand free, I'm pretty sure, and Fuzzy is going to be holding onto him, as well as trying to keep his footing and balance on this cliff face that Reilly has gone to great lengths to describe as narrow.
The Europeans had almost finished the crane by now.
Good to hear that Wizard wasn't lying.
It was lined with armed men, all waiting for the last piece of the crane to be screwed into place, thus giving them access to Level 2 - where they would cut off West and his team.
The last piece of the crane fell into place.
The Europeans moved.
Take a shot. It's yet another hastily written piece of pointlessness.
Level 2

West led the way now, leaping down onto Level 2 ahead of Fuzzy, where he landed like a cat -
- and was confronted by a crossbow wielding French paratrooper, the first member of the European force to step off the now finished crane.
So West isn't carrying his wounded friend anymore? What the hell, Hugh Jackman, I thought you were "old friends", this is how you treat them? How did you maneuver around him on that ledge and make the leap, to land like a cat, when it's narrow and you're still very much an oiled up man who has to be exhausted, whether or not you're one of the greatest soldiers in the world. Furthermore, why did the man bring a crossbow with him? Was he expecting a Warbler to be used? In which case, why did they fire with normal assault rifles, or even bring them altogether? Surely using crossbows would have been the first thing they would have done? If they weren't expecting warblers, then this trooper is just a special snowflake and wanted to be different, which means that West is doing battle with hipsters and I am thus genuinely torn. Whilst this is a battle between an elderly racist stoner and a his oiled up best friend with no morals and a group of logistically brilliant engineers and hipsters, Reilly cannot possibly make this work.
Quick as a gunslinger, West drew a Glock pistol from one of his thigh holsters, raised it and fired it at the French trooper at point-blank range.
And for some reason his bullet defied Wizard's Warblers and slammed into the Frenchman's chest, dropping him where he stood.
Take a shot for the weapon name-drop. Wizard's Warblers is my new band name. Ignoring the fact that a tired, crouching, oiled up arsehole managed to somehow draw his pistol that quickly, why wasn't it already drawn? Why haven't his friends helped out? Why hasn't the hiupster fired his crossbow?
Find out next time!

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 21

Then her eyes narrowed... and focused. They blazed in the firelight, scanning the ancient symbols closely now.
I wish I was blazed. Does this mean that she wasn't looking at these symbols properly before and is only now starting to look closely at them? I am getting the feeling that this girl may not be the perfect companion for such a quest...
To West, it seemed as if she had just entered a trance-like state.
Have you tried turning her off and on-
Actually, never mind.
Then the flaming drop-stone above him creaked again. He snapped to look up.
Take a shot.
The torch-riddled ceiling above the moat kept lowering. Smoke was now billowing into this area from the main cavern. West swivelled to see the entry chamber behind him getting smaller and smaller...
He can swivel? Does that not just make these stone socks pointless?

What I believe is happening in the cavern, leading to all of this smoke. Actually, it does make sense and give us a reason as to why Wizard  gives so few fucks.

Lily was still in her trance, reading the runes intently.
She is definitely feeling the effects of Wizard's magic herbs.
"Lily..."
"Just a second..."
Take two shots. Does anybody actually believe that West is going to die here, or that Lily isn't going to miraculously solve this puzzle? If I wanted tension from this situation, I could replicate it by doing a crossword on the toilet whilst my brother launched fireworks at me.
"We don't have a second, honey." He eyed the hazy, smoke-filled chamber closing behind them. The smoke was getting denser.
Then, abruptly, one of the flaming torches attached to the descending ceiling dislodged from its bracket...
Oh. No. The humanity. I wonder if he will escape.
... and fell.
Bravo, Reilly. Take a shot.
Down toward the oil moat where West stood helpless!
I am getting sick and tired of this style of writing. We know where West is and where the torch is going, why does Reilly keep feeling the need to tell us this? Unless West has actually burst free of the socks by transforming into a monkey, or Horus has freed him off screen, then I am pretty sure that he is still there.
"Oh, God no-" was all he had time to breathe.
He echoes our thoughts.

I made the same face when I saw "Project X"

The flaming torch dropped through the air, into the oil moat-
-before, six inches off the surface, it was plucked from the air by the swooping shape of Horus, his falcon.
Can we end the book there? Horus is the best.

How the movie would look, in my mind

The little bird gripped the flaming torch in its talons, before dropping it safely in the closing entry hall.
"Why don't you leave it to the last second next time, bird," West said.
Sitting now, Horus just returned his gaze, as if to say: Why don't you stop getting into stupid predicaments like this, human.
Horus is actually a man reincarnated as a bird, I am sure of it. Where is she sitting? On his shoulder? The relationship with his bird is the closest thing to any sort of character interaction for West, and Horus remains the best character throughout the entirety of the book. When the bird does something incredible, I believe it.
In the meantime, Lily's eyes glinted, staring now at the symbols on the rightmost of the three pendants:
There is also a diagram of the weird symbols here.
She read in a low voice:
"Beware. Atone
Ra's implacable Destroyer cometh
And all will cry out in despair,
Unless sacred words be uttered."
Then Lily blinked and returned to the present.
Wait, what? Did she just travel back in time simply by reading the notes on the wall? This just became the Butterfly Effect, probably as a result of that wizard weed and whatever is burning in that oil. The fumes from that thing must have more drugs than a night out in Plymouth...

Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 20

Sorry about the delay, everybody, I have been most busy with work, life and other shenanigans. I have almost missed Matthew Reilly. 
So, when we last left our intrepid dick-bag, he was taking his little girl to a gigantic underground stone head which does not fill me with awe, fleeing Jesuits, abandoning his team of best friends, and still mourning the death of a supposedly beloved character who has been mentioned twice in fifty pages.
He had to take one more step forward to reach them and that meant triggering the final trap.

"Okay, kiddo. You ready to do your thing? For my sake, I hope you are."

The text got creepy, really quickly.
Take a shot.
"I'm ready," Lily said grimly.
She's so wise beyond her years.
And with that, West stepped forward and-
-chunk!-
-an unseen mechanism beneath the surface of the oil pool clamped tightly around his legs, pinning them in an ancient pair of submerged stone socks.
Hold up.
Take two shots for the italics, then we can talk about the mechanism. I understand that it is supposed to be a secret, but submerging it in oil cannot be good for it. I'm no engineer (and neither is Reilly) but would that mess with the mechanics of it? Sure, it keeps it well oiled, I guess, but why not have those drop stones from earlier? Or how about a trap which shows up later on, in the form of some cages? It has to be far more practical than "stone socks". Speaking of which, why didn't he call them "stone boots"? Stone boots are far cooler than stone socks.

Maybe he was being hip and down with the kids, and it was actually Emma Stone submerged under the water and holding Hugh Jackman hostage. Also, her bag looks like a ferret in this shot. Double also, there is a surprisingly large fetishistic sock community on the internet.

West was now immobile... within easy reach of the three pendants.
I would never have guessed. Thanks for clarifying that West can't just take the socks off.
"Okay, Lily," he said. "Go. Make your choice. And stay off me, in case you're wrong"
It'd be great if she just turned around and left.
Take three shots for the short sentences.
She leapt from his arms, onto the half-submerged collarbone of the great statue just as-
Whoosh!
A huge 10-ton drop-stone directly above West came alight with flames and... lurched on its chains!
So there are indeed drop stones? Okay, but how wide is the tunnel? If this thing is ten tons, it must be a pretty big rock in terms of width. If it's not, then it stands to reason that this thing is a gigantic rock-spear directly above their heads, placed like a column, though only designed to kill people standing at that exact spot where those stone socks (it gets stupider every time I say it) are placed. If they step around, over or between the socks, which is entirely likely, then it won't trigger. He also mentions that it is held in place by chains and on fire. Who designed this, Evel Knievel and some 14 year old metal fans? Were the previous rocks previously held in place by chains? How strong are the chains and what are they made of to have not rusted and still be able to hold this rock after hundreds of years?
This is starting to sound more and more like a gameshow, only one which is in its final series and resorting to more and more desperate tactics and gimmicks to avoid plummeting ratings.
Imhotep V's final trap in the quarry mine was what is known as a 'reward trap'.
By whom?
It allowed the rightful claimant to the Second Piece to have it, if they could identify the correct one.
Because these mercenaries are clearly the rightful claimants.
Choose the right 'pendant' and the flaming drop-stone remained in place an the submerged leg-clamps opened. Choose the wrong piece, and the drop-stone fell, crushing you and igniting the pool.
What if there's only one person here and they avoid the clamps? I know this trap is supposed to be epic, but surely this is a one-hit thing? A really mercenary, heartless person (like del Piero, apparently, or our protagonists) would simply trigger the trap and avoid the flames (or, you know, bring a fire extinguisher) and then make their way around the rock after it fell. Or maybe they could get some of those German engineers to tunnel through it.
Unless you need a diorite pick.
Twat.
Lily stared at the strange text on each pendant.

As the reader stared at the strange text on this page.

It looked extremely odd, this little girl evaluating the incredibly ancient symbols.
THAT is the oddest thing we have seen? I would credit that as being a joke, if this were written by someone better, like my neighbour, or the man I met in a pub who can't move his hands due to arthritis.
West watched her, tense, expectant... and suddenly worried.
"Can you read it?" he asked.
Well this would be a sterling time to discover that she can, in fact, not.
"It's different to the other inscriptions I've read..." she said distractedly.
I'd be amazed if it wasn't, Lily, because then you'd be at home, reading those, and not in a structurally impossible fire dungeon with a maniacal Australian and half of the European army. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, maybe she's actually struggling with a very complex languag which we have never been told of before, and is struggling largely due to the pressure of the situation, the language itself, and the fact that she is a child. She's clearly a genius to have been brought on this mission, traversing danger with hardened troops, so this is her time to shine.
"What-?" West blanched.
Abruptly Lily's eyes lit up in understanding. "Ahh, I get it. Some of the words are written vertically..."
We're doomed.