Read-along: Seven Ancient Wonders - Part 16

The spectacle of Imhotep's Master Snare going off was sensational.
Allow us to infer that from your descriptions, Matthew. Do not tell us what things are supposed to be like if you cannot describe them as that.
Also, gay porn count: 23. I don't want to know what Imhotep's "Master Snare" is, and I certainly don't want to be there when it goes off.
Blasting streams of black crude oil shot out from the hundreds of holes that dotted the cavern: holes in the rockface and its side walls.
OIL! Now we know why the Americans are headed here...

Dozens of oil waterfalls flowed down the rockface, cascading over its four levels. Black fluid flowed out from the sidewalls, falling a clear 200 feet down them into the croc lake.
Black fluid? You can say "oil", Matthew.
The crocs went nuts, scrambling over each other to get away from it - disappearing into some little holes in the walls or massing on the far side of the lake.
The crocs went nuts? Is this the Australian in him coming out?

In some places of the great tiered rockface, oil came spurting out of the wall, forced out of the small openings by enormous internal pressure
Gay porn count: 23.
Worst of all, a river of the thick black stuff came pouring down the main course of the Scar, a vertical cascade that tumbled down the vertical riverbed, overwhelming the trickle of water that had been running down it.
Down the vertical shaft, with a vertical trickle of water, with a vertical action, down the vertical wall. I honestly don't think that the worst thing to happen here is a river of oil. I have many, many more suggestions of what could happen:
1. Pirate attack
2. The oil could be falling from the ceiling.
3. The walkway could collapse
4. The oil could be on fire.
5. Horus could be dead.

This man's music could be playing. Although, this scene would be made a lot better if "How Can We Be Lovers if we Can't be Friends?" was playing.

And then the clicking started.
Take a shot. Can you guess what is going to happen next?
The clicking of many stone-striking mechanisms mounted above the wall holes.
Striking mechanisms made of flint.
Colour me amazed. Take a shot.
Striking mechanisms that were designed to create sparks and...
WE GET IT!
Just then, a spark from one of the flints high up on the left side wall touched the crude oil flowing out from the wall-hole an inch beneath it.
The result was stunning.
Take a shot. Why do you keep doing this, Matthew? Why do you hurt me so?

The superthin waterfall of oil became a superthin waterfall of fire...
... then this flaming waterfall hit the oil-stained lake at the base of the cavern and set it alight.
Matthew. Please. you sound more and more like an excitable 8 year old on a sugar rush.
The lake blazed with flames.
The entire cavern was illuminated bright yellow.
The crocs screamed, clawing over each other to get to safety.
Then more oilfalls caught alight -some on the sidewalls, others on the rockface and, finally, the great sludge waterfall coming down the Scar- until the entire Great Cavern looked like Hell itself, lit by a multitude of blazing waterfalls.
Say what you like about that scene, "Blazing Waterfalls" is a great name for a heavy metal album. Though, I have to admit, that is a pretty cool image that he's conjured up right there.
Thick black smoke billowed everywhere - smoke which had no escape.
This was Imhotep's final masterstroke.
If the fire and traps didn't kill you, smoke inhalation would, especially in the highly prized upper regions of the cavern.
Highly prized? Why? This trap is also overdoing it a little bit. It also further undermines West's obsession with "the rules" (I'm sorry, that still really pisses me off), because how can one follow "the rules" when the entire place is rigged to kill you anyway? It's not a battle of wits, it's like an unused trap from the Saw movies.
"Fools!" del Piero raged. Then to his men: "What are you standing there for? Finish the crane! You have until they get back to the Second Level to do so!"
He's still my favourite character.
After Horus.
West's team was now moving faster than ever, leapfrogging each other beautifully amid the subterranean inferno.
That's a good sentence, I'll let that slide.
Up the rockface they went, first to the left along the Second Level, crossing the left arm of the Scar before the thick fire-waterfall got there, dodging wall-holes, jumping gaps in the ledge, nullifying the traps inside the arched forts that straddled the narrow walkway.
And you've buggered up, again, Matthew. I know you want to keep the pace quite fast, but that sentence was all too brief.

Why, Matthew? Why?
(Also, that woman is Kyoko Koizumi, an amazing actress who was in "Tokyo Sonata", which is a fantastic film that you could be watching instead of reading this)

Droplets of fire were now raining down all around them -spray from the oilfalls- but the fiery orange drops just hit their firemen's helmets and rolled off their backs. Then suddenly West's team ran past the unfinished arm of the Europeans' crane and, for the first time that day, they were in front.
In the lead in this race.
Take a shot. GOD DAMN IT MATTHEW! WE GET IT!
Up the wall-ladder at the end of Level 2, on to Level 3, where they ran to the right, avoiding some chute-traps on the way and coming to the fiery body of the Scar. Here, West fired an extendable aluminium awning into the Scar's flame-covered surface with his pressure gun.
It's tenuous, but I'm making that "pressure gun" reference our 24th count of gay references.
The awning opened lengthways like a fan, causing the fire waterfall to flow over it, sheltering the mini-ledge. The team bolted across the superthin ledge.
Again, I'm going to have to halt you there, Matthew.
Aluminium (I'm glad that you haven't used the American spelling "aluminum") melts at 660 degrees Celsius. That is fairly hot.
The wall of infernal, ungodly crude oil raining down upon that awning?
That is a bit hotter.
Now, granted, it will take a little while to truly melt through the awning (Who carries an "awning gun" anyway? I'm pretty sure that they don't exist...), but the sheer force of heat will make going through that a tad difficult, especially if the ledge really is as narrow as he makes out, and they are clambering up a ladder to get to the next level, slowing them down considerably.
Then it was up another ladder to the Fourth Level -the second highest level- 
You've stated before that it is 5 levels high, Matthew. Our attention spans are not those of the average "Smurfs 2" viewer.
and suddenly six 10-ton block boulders started raining down on them from way up in the darkness above the giant rockface.
But Matthew's, it seems, is.

One day, we shall not have to read this. One day...

The great blocks boomed as they landed on the diorite ledge of Level 4 and tumbled down the rest of the tiered wall.
"Get off the ladder!" West yelled to the others.
This is the most sensible thing he has done. It is also an incredibly obvious thing to do, however, so it disqualifies him from "World's Greatest Leader" this year.
"You can't dodge the boulders if you're on it-"
I think that I now know what degree West got, and it was clearly at the university of Plymouth.
Too late.
Take a shot.
As West called his warning, a boulder smacked horribly into the last man on the ladder, Fuzzy. The big Jamaican was hurled back down the rockface.
Dead.
He's so dead.
He landed heavily on the Third Level -setting off a trap of spraying flaming oil (it looked like a flamethrower) but he snap-rolled away from the tongue of fire- 
NO!
You cannot firstly have the character survive that, then be in perfect physical condition, then add that pathetic, fucking stupid fucking hopelessly fucking shitty childish description in brackets! I'd missed that bracketed phrase on my first re-reading of this, truth be told, and now that I've noticed it, it gets more annoying the more that I look at it.
Why is Fuzzy the last on the ladder? Did Lily slow him down? Is he weighed down with the seemingly endless supply of equipment that he is carrying? Did wizard force him to stay at the back? How is he able to avoid a trap like that by simply rolling? How is he able to roll when he's just been hit by an enormous boulder? Why isn't Fuzzy just a smear of Jamaican jam?
Maybe these questions were about to be answered just before I rudely interrupted. I'm sorry, Matthew, please continue
in the same motion avoiding a second boulder as it slammed down on the ledge an inch away from his eyes!
Fuck you Reilly.

His roll took him off the ledge, but Fuzzy managed to clasp onto the edge with his fingertips, avoiding the 30-foot drop down to Level 2.

I'm leaving it there, this week. There's more on the next page, but we've been going for long enough. The next entry will be a short one, as we've only a page and a half to cover, before we get onto more stupidity.
We're only 44 pages in.
44 pages.