Zero Dark 30: The Action Movie

Do we want an award winning movie about the ethical implications of torture surrounding the manhunt for a straw-man political figure created as a figurehead and boogeyman for the masses?
NO!
We want Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammer, kicking ass for America in a direct to DVD action movie where he tracks down the son of a bitch who dares mock freedom and teaches him a lesson: The American way! They said it couldn't be done and that it was suicide for any man that tried, but when justice beckoned, Jack Hammer answered.
For Jack Hammer isn't an American't.
He's an American.


Starring:
Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammers
Omar Sharif as Osama Bin Laden
Eric Roberts as Agent Chuck Daniels
Ghassan Massoud as Achmed
Rebecca De Mornay as Wife
Kareem Abdul Jabbar as President Obama

Scene 1: The Orphange
Two ragheads sit in a van, adjusting the suicide vest of another. The one with a scar on his face is their leader.
Achmed: Remember your mission Yusuf.
Yususf: Yes brother. These American dogs will pay for their arrogance...
Amir: This has been a long time coming.
Yusuf: I am ready.
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
Yusuf: Allahu Akbar.
He leaves the van and walks towards the orphanage. Achmed lights a cigarette and turns to Amir
Achmed: Drive. Tomorrow morning, their reckoning shall come... For now we must report to the boss and tell him it is done.
They drive off. Achmed stops to shoot an American flag and salute mockingly.

Scene 2: The Suburban Home
A man, a good honest American, is getting breakfast with his beautiful blonde wife and bouncing, beautiful children. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, watching the news.
Newsreader: Another orphanage was attacked this morning, with the terrorist known as "Osama Bin Laden" claiming responsibility for the attack, which left 18 children dead.
Wife: My God... those monsters!
Daughter: Daddy, who's Osama Bin Laden?
Chuck Daniels: He's a very bad man that your daddy is going to look for.
Son: You gonna arrest him daddy?
Chuck Daniels: Haha, I wish I could, Billy. But with a Commie in the White House blocking me at every turn, it'll be difficult...
Wife: Can't you find some way?
Chuck Daniels: I wish I could... Love you honey! You kids have a good day at school you hear me?
He kisses his hot, sexy, buxom wife (Close up) and leaves

Scene 3: Afghanistan
A muscled man does pull ups in the desert heat, an American flag behind him billowing in the wind. His shirtless chest is rippling with muscles and gleaming with sweat. But not in a gay way.
Jack Hammers: ... 998, 999, 1000!
He drops down and swigs the whiskey bottle on the table, before hearing a noise and turning around to see a jeep approaching him. He dons his sunglasses and takes a seat, waiting for them to arrive. They pull up and three men, filthy Arabs, jump out and approach him. All oily and shit.
Scumbag 1: Mr Hammers! So good to see you trespassing on my land again...
Jack Hammers: Come to check my papers again? You know I'm here legally, why keep on hassling me?
Scumbag 2: 'Cause maybe we don't like you!
Scumbag 3: Yeah! Maybe we don't like you!
Jack Hammers: You always this eloquent?
Scumbag 2: What'd you call me?
He reaches for a gun, but Hammers is faster, like all true Americans, in producing his own Desert Eagle
Jack Hammers: Try it pal. Your 72 virgins will be cleaning blood for eternity.
Scumbag 1: Easy gentlemen! We need not resort to violence! Mr Hammers, may I sit down?
Jack Hammers: I would say it's a free country. But I never lie. Not even to men like you.
Scumbag 3: You're a funny man Jack! You'll be even funnier when we strangle you with that flag...
Jack Hammers: Is a man not entitled to be proud of his country?
Scumbag 1: Not yours Jack. Nobody has the right.
Jack Hammers: You'd best turn around. I've tried to be civil.
Scumbag 1: You arrogant American, get out of my country you swine!
They all pull guns, but Hammers blasts away two of them, before kicking the table into the face of their leader and blasting the gun out of his hand. He swigs from his whiskey and glares down at the man
Jack Hammers: Tell him I've got a delivery.
Scumbag 1: Who?
Jack Hammers: The Devil. A delivery of scum like you.
He blows the dud'es brains out over the table with that hot, sleek, cool, ice cold, yet scorching piece of fine American steel. But not in a gay way.

Scene 6: The White House
President Obama: We can't!
Chuck Daniels: Why not?
President Obama: Because it's outside our jurisdiction! I will not let you annoy our friends in the Middle East!
Chuck Daniels: Friends? They're hiding these bastards!
President Obama: You forget your place, Agent!
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: Enough!
Chuck Daniels: ... I can get you another term sir...
President Obama: ... how?
Chuck Daniels: Get me a man, we'll get you Bin Laden. You can take all the credit. You'll be a hero Mr President.
President Obama: And what's in it for you?
Chuck Daniels: I just wanna get this son of a bitch.
President Obama: Admirable, but naive... Alright Daniels. I'll play. You get this man, or you lose your job.
Chuck Daniels: What?!
President Obama: I'll need somebody to blame for this. You're part of national security, you'll do.
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: This isn't negotiable, Agent. Now get out of my office. It's time for me to get my prayer mat...

Scene 10: The Desert
Chuck Daniels approaches Hammers at his home
Jack Hammers: Explain yourself pal, or I'll send you home with a bullet in your brain. What little there is of it...
Chuck Daniels: Easy, Jack! I've come here to ask for your help.
Jack Hammers: How do you know my name?
Chuck Daniels: I read your file, Jack, it's impressive.
Jack Hammers: That was then. I don't work for you anymore.
Chuck Daniels: May I sit?
Jack Hammers: Sure...
Chuck Daniels: Will you put the gun down?
Jack Hammers: I never put my gun down. It's the only thing that's kept me alive out here in this God-forsaken wasteland.
Chuck Daniels: America needs you Jack.
Jack Hammers: Oh? Well do I need America? They've got a God-dammned Commie in the White House, gay marriage on the cards.. The whole country's gone to the dogs...
Chuck Daniels: So you'll just turn your back?
Jack Hammers: ...
Chuck Daniels: Unbelievable.
He tosses a selection of photographs onto the table
Jack Hammers: What the Hell are these?
Chuck Daniels: 18 reasons to believe in America.

Scene 16: The Airport
Two men in suicide vests step into the waiting area, with other terrorists armed with AK-47s attacking and taking hostages
Achmed: Stay down! All of you! We are seizing this airport in the name of Allah! As part of the mighty jihad against you and your people!
Old Lady: Why are you doing this?
Achmed shoots her in the face
Achmed: Stupid American bitch! We do this because we can! Because we hate your freedoms! Zahid, put the tape on screen.
One of the terrorists does some COMPOOTOR HAKKINGZ and gets the screens to show Osama Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: People of America. Know this. My men currently occupy an airport. We seek no ransoms, we seek no release of prisoners. We seek nothing but your attention as you watch us do whatever we choose with you, your people and your country. Because we HATE FREEDOM!
Jack Hammers smashes through the window and goes Die Hard on these S.O.Bs, blasting left right and centre, kicking one guy through a window and then feeding one into the X-Ray machine. He approaches one of the suicide bombers and points his gun at him, but the man takes a hot girl hostage.
Bomber: Don't move Yankee scum! Even if you shoot me, I go off!
(But not in a gay way)
Jack blows his hand off. Close-up of the hand exploding into a bag of goo.
Jack Hammers: Hands off the girl dirtbag...
He shoots him in the other hand just to be sure, leaving the foreign scum writhing on the floor in agony. Our hero looks to the girl.
Girl: Go get those sons of bitches!
Hammers nods and shoots another two terrorists. He makes his way through the airport, encountering one leading a group who ambush him. After a firefight, he corners the leader. They point their guns at each other.
Nasir: You Americans just don't understand us...
Jack Hammers: What's there to understand? You hate freedom. I'm fine with a man not liking the things I love, truly, but when he steps over the line...
Nasir: You nothing of my life, American! I'm from Afghanistan!
Jack Hammers shoots him in the face
Jack Hammers: Now you're in Af-Gone-istan.
He goes out to find Achmed has fled. Bin Laden leers at him from the screen
Bin Laden: You! You dare mess with my plans?!
Jack Hammers: Hide behind your screens whilst you can Osama, I'm coming for you.
Bin Laden: Brave talk for a dead man. Tell me, what name shall I offer up to Allah as the man who I killed for attempting to defile his divine will.
Jack Hammers: Just use my codename buddy.
Bin Laden: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Agent Zero Dark Thirty.
He shoots the screen

Scene 21: The car
Chuck Daniels: I thought you weren't coming back.
Jack Hammers: I couldn't walk. Not from that.
Chuck Daniels: I thought you didn't love America anymore.
Jack Hammers: I never stopped. I may not agree with what's happened to my beautiful bride, but I still love her. I always will...
Chuck Daniels: Well, check the glove compartment.
Jack opens it and discovers a watch
Jack Hammers: This what I think it is?
Chuck Daniels: A welcome back present from the C.I.A

Scene 27: A Cave
Bin Laden: I want this man FOUND!
Achmed: I understand sir...
Bin Laden: I'm not sure that you do, Achmed! I want everything you have on this man! I want his name, his address, his date of birth, his records, his wife, his children, his favourite ice cream flavour, EVERYTHING!
Achmed: His name is Hammers sir. Jack Hammers.
Bin Laden: So you know this man?
Achmed: Yes sir, he was the one responsible for this, many years ago...
He points to his scar.
Bin Laden: Well if you do not bring me his head, that scar will be the least of your worries. Understand?
Achmed: Yes sir.
Bin Laden: Allahu Akbar
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
On the screen, Bin Laden goes back to molesting the white chicks he has kidnapped.

Scene 30: Bagdhad marketplace
Jack Hammers walks down the streets, eyes open and ready for danger. His hand goes to the earpiece that he wears
Chuck Daniels: You hearing me Jack?
Jack Hammers: Yeah I hear ya.
Chuck Daniels: Remember Jack, we want this guy alive so we can find Bin Laden.
Jack Hammers: Alive, not unharmed.
Chuck Daniels: Now you're talking...
He notices Zahid in the street and goes after him, stalking through the crowds. Zahid notices him and makes a break for his car. Men spring from the shadows, dressed in turbans and carrying AK-47s, opening fire indiscriminately. Hammers pulls a pregnant woman out of the crossfire, then blasts the motherfucker in the head, nodding to the woman and going after more of them.
Terrorist: Kill the American!
He kicks a small boy down and Jack stops his pursuit to help him up
Boy: Thanks mister!
Jack Hammers: No problem kid.
Boy: You gonna get that man?
Jack Hammers: Yeah. I'm gonna bring freedom...
Boy: Go get him!
Jack ruffles his hair and goes after the terrorist, cornering him. He shoots him in the face when he reaches for a gun, then shoots his friend. Zahid is hiding behind a stall. His final ally pulls a knife and charges Jack, who floors him with a single punch and breaks his neck before approaching Zahid.
Zahid: I surrender!
Jack Hammers: Not so fast.
He shoots Zahid in the kneecap.

Scene 32: A warehouse
Zahid, bruised and bloodied, is tied to a chair. Chuck and Jack interrogate him.
Chuck Daniels: Just tell us where he is, Zahid.
Zahid: No! Allah forbids it!
Jack Hammers: If you don't tell us, then you'll be meeting Allah...
Zahid: I am not afraid. I have 72 virgins awaiting me.
Jack Hammers: Good luck getting served by them when I cut off your jihad...
Zahid: What?
Jack goes to the table and picks up a knife, walking over to them
Chuck Daniels: You'd better tell him, Zahid.
Zahid: A CAVE!
Chuck Daniels: Which cave?
Zahid: Alright! It's not a cave, it's an old house behind one of the caves!
Chuck Daniels: Point to it on this map.
Zahid points.
Jack Hammers: Good boy Zahid. You're free to go.
Zahid: W...What?
Jack Hammers: You're free to meet Allah.
Jack stabs him in the eye.
Chuck Daniels: I see what you did there.
Jack Hammers: He didn't.
Chuck Daniels: No, but I'm sure that he got the point.

Scene 36: Helicopter
Chuck Daniels: Wait on my order! We let Jack do his work, then send in the reinforcements and bomb this place to hell. Got it?
Pilot: Sure thing pal.
Chuck Daniels: Come on Jack... I know you can do this...

Scene 37: The house
A wounded Jack and Achmed have a shirtless fistfight on the roof. But not in a gay way. Achmed kicks him to the ground and steps on his neck, producing a knife from his boot.
Achmed: The great Zero Dark Thirty... now in my grasp... First we killed your wife and child on September the 11th, and now I get to finish the job personally. I would say that it has been an honour, but you didn't put up much of a fight. Any last words?
Jack Hammers: Two
Achmed: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Hammer time
He presses a button on his watch and a hammer fires out into Achmed's neck. The terrorist drops his knife, staggers back and falls off the roof. Dead. Jack takes the knife and kicks his way through the window.

Scene 38: Bin Laden's living room
The terrorist leader is propped up on cushions, surrounded by hashish, opium and hot drugged up sex slaves. Jack Hammers kicks through the window into his guard, slashing the man's throat, then picks up his AK47 and guns down the other one before turning it on Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: What the?!
Jack Hammers: You're him... The man responsible for all the world's evil
Bin Laden: Please, Mr Hammers, I can give you anything. You want these women? Here! Take them!
Jack Hammers: Like you took them from their good, clean families and made them your brides?
Bin Laden: I can change!
Jack Hammers: Evil never changes... Get out of here girls...
Most of the girls get to their feet and dash out, save one unconscious one.
Bin Laden: Can't you see that this isn't about me, or you, or even the American government? It's about money, oil and power. Your people take what we have, we are just trying to fight back! Fight back in the name of Allah!
Jack Hammers: Oil? Can it Osama.
He shoots the man and then checks his watch, shaking the woman awake
Girl: Huh?
Jack Hammers: Come with me doll, we've gotta get out of here...
Girl: But... Bin Laden...
Jack Hammers: He's Has-Bin Laden now...
Bikini-Clad Girl in his arms, Jack runs in slo-mo from the building as Chuck Daniels fires rockets at it.

Scene 41: The White House
The President is there, ready to present medals to Hammers and Daniels
President Obama: Congratulations gentleman. This country thanks you for stopping a great evil. I too thank you.
Jack Hammers: Keep your medal. I didn't do it for you.
President Obama: Pardon me?
Jack Hammers: I didn't do it for you. I did it for America. Know that whatever happens, Commie president or not, I'll protect my country.
He punches Obama and leaves the office.

The End