Friday, 28 July 2017

Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders Part 28

This flashback within a flashback is more of a flash forward than a flashback, but is still set in 1997 and thus a flashback. That had more flashes than the Grandmaster himself... The chapter states that this part is in Count Kerry, Ireland at a place entitled, I kid you not, O'Shea Farm. Say what you like about Reilly, he does just roll with it.

Gathered are a group of "delegates" from seven different "minnows" of world affairs, waiting on an eighth. Now, these are the countries introduced earlier, in the form of our team, but then their nations of origin were irrelevant and actually didn't come up without Matthew explicitly stating it, even as he tried to raise the stakes in that ridiculously long opening sequence. I prefer this chapter, as even though it is exposition, it's a slower one, it has a little more going on in it as a result, and you can imagine it being done well in a movie. You can picture the camera panning around, showing each of the nations, introducing our characters properly with little touches, like in "Armageddon", but with unfortunately far less Buscemi.
The hero we need, and the one we deserve
You can really see it working. Unfortunately we only really get an introduction to one of the delegates at this point, the others are just nameless figures in the background, and that one is this guy:
"Their leader, a wily old Sheik from the United Arab Emirates named Anzar al-Abbas,"
Oh Matthew. I do appreciate once again that he is going all out with his cards here. His misspelling of Sheikh is rather annoying to me though. Al Abbas is the closest thing to a true supporting character for the majority of this book, everybody else (even Wizard) is an actual part of the mission, so there's nothing really bogging down the rest of the narrative, be that investigations, emotion, common sense, a comprehensible plot... The Sheikh is a minor character, all things considered, but I'm glad that we know he is wily and old, that will be important somehow, probably, when we are shown this rather than told it.
The Canadians are described as "typically, sat there calmly and patiently" as we await the arrival of their guy and the last delegate. It is nice of them to mirror the views and attitudes of Reilly's editor.
Of course, the last delegate is Jack West, accompanied by Canada's Professor Max T Epper. In the interim we're dropped some information about the capstone and some information about a bullshit prophecy. The Capstone is made of seven pieces of a diamond. When it's put together, there's a shaft running down the middle of it, with branching paths into the rest of it, a crystal at the end of each. Don't ask me how.
"This is a crucial point"
We know it is, Matthew, that's why we've picked up on it. Jesus Matthew. What makes you think I'm this stupid?
Oh, right, I'm reading "Seven Ancient Wonders" and writing a blog about it.
The book throws out some quasi-intellectual nonsense about theories regarding the Capstone, all nonsense we can safely ignore.
Wizard comes in, and there is furtive whispering. We get the line "The ones who found the Scrolls of the Museion" dropped as a whisper by one of the Arabs. I could be a dick and chalk this up as a case of Reilly giving us another, more interesting adventure, but I actually am going to be honest here: I like it. It's one of the few times we get a glimpse of actual character from these two fuck-bags. Scrolls from the legendary Library of Alexandria, long thought lost, tracked down and recovered by an old man and a burly Australian? We learn from that that Epper is some kind of classical-orientated genius, and he and West are good friends, whose reputations precede them. There's more character and creativity in that one line than we've had in ten action sequences. I now care a little bit about them.
Of course, this novel is still about a one-armed Australian and a Canadian Wizard carrying Scrolls from the Library of Alexandria on a quest to rescue a magic diamond from the Vatican, so I won't give this too much credit.
Oh, and Wizard and West are among the least ridiculous characters.
We learn that Wizard has a beard, as white as it will be in ten years (important that) and that West has lost his arm, meaning he's not yet gotten his replacement. This could be a prelude to an adventure and epic quest to find the knowledge and resources to give West an artificial arm, or perhaps that adventure retrieving the head of the Colossus of Rhodes was the prelude to the grand finale and the group had to go through hell to get him an arm in time for fun times at the end?
It's not

Then we get this bizarre line, whispered by another character:
"Epper is Professor of Archaeology at Trinity College in Dublin, a brilliant fellow, but he also has doctorates in physics and electromagnetics..."
There's a lot to unpack there. Trinity College in Dublin is a big place, I'd hope that they have more than one Professor of Archaeology, otherwise students are going to get short-changed. Is Epper THE professor, A professor or the Head of the Department? These distinctions are kind of important. Also, I see he graduated from the school of Hollywood science, where he has enough to keep the plot moving. Yes, there probably are experts in archaeology AND those other two things, but I've yet ot learn of them, and there's probably a preference form the two.
I know that they go delving into ancient tombs and underground places, technically archaeology I suppose, but the knowledge Epper spouts throughout the novel regarding the ancient civilisations they encounter and the prophecies they wrote down are far closer to things a Professor of Classics would know.
So whilst we have been given an introduction to Epper, it is inaccurate.
He and West graduate from the Indiana Jones school of Archaeology.
OH!
One more thing, Wizard speaks several languages over the course of the novel.  I'm not talking the usual stuff like French, German and the like, but Latin, Greek, Sumerian and things like that, FLUENTLY.
Not only is Epper an inventor, archaeologist, Head of Department, professor at Trinity College (I am presuming he has tenure, because OF COURSE HE WILL) adventurer, expert on ancient cultures, doctor in physics and electromagnetism (I am presuming that is what a doctorate in electromagnetics is, because my spell-checker keeps flagging it up) but he is a multi-linguist too.
This makes Epper a:
I am sure that Epper is somebody's player character from a role-playing game manifested as a character in this novel, and I'm not even mad! I love this man, he's utterly ridiculous. The rest of the team are there for representation and combat skills (except for Noddy, he's there for... well) but Wizard is just the best character, can he be the hero of this Doc Savage-esque adventure?

We are dropped hints about West's past with the American army in Iraq in 1991, then he sits down. Reilly then makes a big point that HE is the entire delegation of his nation, who have sent no other representatives when the other nations have sent diplomats and soldiers?
"That nation: Australia."
I am surprised at the restraint in Reilly for going six novels (Contest, Temple, Ice Station, Area 7, Scarecrow and Hover Car Racer, which is a whole different kettle of Speed-Racer, I mean fish!) and a novella (Hell Island, a personal favourite of mine, which actually is important to this series for reasons we shall go into one day) without making a single character, let along protagonist, Australian. Then, when he finally gives us a lead character who isn't Shane fucking Schofield or the guys from the other books, he gives us the most Australian Australian who ever Australias in Australia. The pride this man has in his nation is incredibly endearing. I wish everybody loved each other a tenth as much as Matthew loves Jack West Jr and Australia, or a hundredth as much as I love Matthew Reilly novels.
Epper, unlike Reilly, gets to the point (his actual words on one line) about why they're there:
They tracked down the wife of the new Oracle of Delphi, a woman named Malena Okombo, after she fled her abusive husband (the spoilt man) and West promised to protect her. She was kidnapped literally the day after he said this (I am serious, he says as much in the paragraph) and we get the line about "the incident in the volcano", which is a remarkably low-key way of putting it.
How wonderfully Australian.
And that single paragraph of around six lines is all we ever get of the Oracle and his wife, and her connection to Jack. Nobody forms attachments to women as quickly as Jack West Junior! The Oracle is mentioned in a single line again later in the book, but that's it for the two of them in so far as plot goes.
General Colin O'Hara is named as the head of the delegation.
Enjoy that name.
He may as well be called Brendan Seamus Dermot O'Flaherty.

The plot setting is then spouted off by Epper over the next . I'll give you the key points.
This Capstone is not only capitalised, but hunted by major sides and civilisations throughout history.
Jason and the Argonauts was a tale of searching for the Capstone.
Napolean sent dudes after it.
Caesar sent dudes after it.
Even Hitler sent a few charming gentlemen after it.
Now it's being hunted by America and "Old Europe" (the two major sides in the conflict, as established in the book's opening scene) consisting of Germany, France, Italy and the Vatican. The two sides are at each other's throats.
China and other glorious nations do not register into this debate.
The key piece of information on the Capstone is The Callamichus Text, its eponymous author having personally known the only man to possess all seven pieces of it: Alexander the Great. The ruler broke it (the Capstone, not the text) up into seven pieces and stashed them at every wonder of the world with his old friend Ptolemy I, so that the power would not be used by others.
Legend has it that he or she who manages to assemble it in time for the glorious event known as "The Tartarus Rotation" would have immense power.

And that's the plot in a nutshell.
I know that I have skimmed over a lot of this, but we'll get to the meat of the book soon, as I have rambled on for long enough.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders Part 27

From this point on the book goes into overdrive.
This chapter/segment is titled:
"A Previous Mission. The Volcano"
So you know that this is going to be something special. On that front, it does not disappoint...

Ten years earlier in the exotic locale of "North Eastern Uganda", we are introduced to Jack West. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, we are introduced to a drawing done on a computer of "The Birthing Chamber". In a first for this blog (surprising actually) I have attempted to recreate that drawing/diagram in Microsoft Paint. I have changed almost nothing from the original source, right down to the labels. The one in the book had about nine minutes more effort put into it than mine:
This took me a minute. It is only slightly less accurate.
Look at that.
That, or some variant of it, is the first thing in this chapter, before anything else. That right there is the reason that I love Matthew Reilly. You can look at that and immediately know how this goes down, right?
Oh you poor, sweet, innocent reader...
I am tempted to end this entry right now, and leave you with that beautiful image. But much like the rabbit hole, this volcano goes deeper, a lot deeper...

We establish with our first line (after the usual stamps denoting time and location like an episode of 24) that this is in West's dreams. He is running towards the sound of booming drums with Wizard (the first recorded case of the hero running INTO the supervillain's death fortress accompanied by the actual supervillain)  and we must immediately take two more shots for:
"It's hot."
"Hot as hell."
Those sentences are right after each other. I would call out Reilly on this being superfluous, ludicrous writing, were it not a beautiful use of symbolism and metaphor. Much like "The Divine Comedy", in many regards... Such restraint and subtlety (as much as one can expect) from Reilly) in this chapter. Maybe it all goes up from here?
"And since it's inside a volcano, it even looks like Hell."
The immediate next line.
I know that I said I wasn't going to go line by line anymore, but I had to for that part. You were doing SO well Matthew, you were SO close!
Come on Reilly, you can do it!
In the next few lines we learn that West is 27 here (set in 1996, the bulk of the novel is in 2006, making West 37 at the time of the present day adventure. Hey, it's not much information, but I will take what I can get) and he and Wizard go running down this corridor. In a single paragraph they deactivate some unspecified traps, have Horus swoop form his shoulders to tear into some crazy bats (a sequence given more detail than the booby traps, by which I mean it is given two lines rather than one) and reach a pipe which West is ready to slide down. 
I love Horus.

He makes it down the pipe and enters what can only be described as a Doc Savage movie. There are priests arranged in a circle around the altar including the line, I shit you not:
"Six of the priests pound on huge lion skin drums"
Come on Matthew. 
I know you're going for an aesthetic and theme here, and I don't want to be the leftist libtard sackless cuck that I am often called on Doctor Who forums when I acknowledge the existence of Jodie Whitaker, but isn't this a LITTLE close to the bone?
I'm not trying to be that guy here, I want to be along for the ride, but we are then dropped this gem:
"Incongruously, surrounding the circle of robed priests, all facing outwards, are sixteen paratroopers in full battle-dress uniforms. They are French, all brandishing FN-MAG assault rifles, and their eyes are deadly."
The jarring contrast between chanting robed priests and armed French troopers in modern day gear is something interesting, which of course is never dwelt upon. Who are these guys? Why the French? I know that the French were the villains of "Ice Station" (his first Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield novel, which was an entirely different salad of mixed nuts and batshit) but why are they in Nigeria? Do they work for the Commonwealth nations mentioned in the previous chapter? If so, why aren't there a shed-load of German engineers?
And do you have to call their guns ugly, Matthew? That is just mean, and a rather low blow. We all know that these guys are going to get murdered like a Jean Reno movie post 2001, so why insult and belittle them before that?
Let us end these unrealistic assault rifle beauty standards and have a world where all rifles are judged on their merits! Fight the Assault Rifle Patriarchy!
This is what came up on Google. Any experts feel free to correct me. I have no idea what you are talking about Matthew: I'd buy that thing a dinner any day of the week. Of course, it's French so it'll call the main "pedestrian" and "derivative", but it's the thought that counts, right?

"Their eyes are deadly" is also the title of my forthcoming experimental New Retro Wave Album.

The woman is basically tied to this table in the middle with a ray of light shining down and ready to give birth. We know this because of the following lines:
"And one other thing:
The woman is pregnant.
More than that.
She is in the process of giving birth...
It's obviously painful, but not the only reason for her screams."
I am glad that Matthew Reilly is not a doctor. For many reasons, but that last line is one of them. And no, she is not screaming in existential dread or at the turmoil of being unable to find a good reason why she is locked in a volcano with a group of Nigerians and French Paratroopers, but because they are about to take her baby.
The lead priest is revealed to be Del Piero, who takes the baby (take another three shots for three sentences under four words long) which happens to be a boy, then he leaves the chamber WITH the troopers, and stamps on another stone for good measure.
Okay, I did not see that coming.

West mentions how he was to be there for the woman and failing (yes, I don't trust West with a fruit knife, let alone bodyguard duty) as Wizard ponders on "the Vatican and the French joining forces", which is an actual line which an actual human being has written, and then swings across the chamber with his grappling hook gun to rescue this woman, about whom we know nothing.
Much like the previous part, all of the details are not revealed to us. This is not a complex, Ellery Queen-esque mystery whereby the pieces are there for us to ponder and feel glad that we have uncovered a glorious puzzle; but rather more akin to watching an episode of "Sherlock" backwards in a wind tunnel with the sound muted as you try to come down from a crippling addiction to Benadryl, and somebody occasionally splices footage from Jean Claude Van Damme movies into the middle of it.

Lava pours in and the ceiling drops like my interest in the book, when suddenly daring Jack West reaches the woman (named Malena, apparently), apologizes to her for being dead, and realizes that there is a second baby inside of her. He calls over Wizard to help him deliver this kid.
"the two men perform a Caesarean delivery on the dead woman's body using West's Leatherman knife."
I'm glad that we know it's a Leatherman, otherwise all of this wouldn't make sense.
The tow of them worry about how to escape the ceiling dropping, lava filling chamber without dying and with this little girl still intact, when we get what I have eagerly been awaiting this entire chapter.

West, I shit you not, notices a hole behind the lava. Wizard senses what this moron is about to do and advises him against it; but Jack only says:
"Can you build me a new arm, Max?"
Wizard basically agrees, promising him a better arm as if he were speaking to a child or a Matthew Reilly character, and West subsequently plunges his arm into the hole to find a lever, which turns off the lava flow.
He
Puts
His
Arm
Into
The
Hole
And
Turns
Off
The Lava
Flow

If that image is not stupidly, ridiculously awesome enough for you, here it is retold vie the medium of Jean Claude Van Damme
I love this book so much

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Read-Along: Seven Ancient Wonders Part 26

Time to get eased back into the joys of Reilly after too long away...
This chapter begins, I kid you not, with the team leaving the chamber, "two minutes later" to meet Noddy. Noddy then immediately gets his head blown off. Putting it more accurately:
"Noddy's head exploded, bursting like a smashed pumpkin, hit by a high speed .50 caliber sniper round."

Jesus Christ Matthew. I know that we have had guys eaten by crocodiles (thanks Wizard...) and Frenchmen plummeting to their deaths after getting blasted with rubber bullets, but wow, that's really something. It's not quite Shaun Hutson levels of gruesome, but for a character we have learned is a part of the heroes and is Spanish (granted, not the most well developed character, but better than those of a Joss Whedon production) it's a pretty nasty way to go. This is the norm for the novels of this universe, unfortunately.
Somewhere, Fuzzy is letting out a sigh of relief that Noddy took the first bullet.

What follows is then West ducking the same sniper's bullet, calling out to Stretch to:
"Give me some sniping, Stretch, enough to get us out of here!"
And our Israeli friend doing just that. He immediately crouches, raises the rifle and blasts the guy out of the air.
"And two hundred meters away, the American sniper was hurled clear off his speeding swampboat, his head snapping backwards in a puff of red."
Stretch is a ludicrous character. Unprompted, in the dark, with no spotter, he did the following: unshouldered his rifle, found a target on the back of a swampboat, fired, not only hit, but hit him in the face. That is incredible, putting it mildly. But I am not mad.
What we have here is something actually good in a Reilly novel: an establishing character moment. Granted, it is a rather stupid one, but it is still something better than what we have had so far. Our team, as we know it now, consist of:
A metal armed Crocodile-wrestling Australian
His pet falcon
A confused elderly supervillain
A clumsy Irish idiot
A woman
An Arabian version of "The Flash"
A sniper able to crouch down, arm, prepare, track, and headshot a moving target in the dark from 200 meters in the space of a second
And an annoying shit
If that is not already piquing one's interest, then I don't know what else to say. In the hands of a great writer, these guys would fight crime and have zany adventures.

Unfortunately this is Matthew Reilly, so they do something boring.
They make their way to a bunch of camouflaged boats of their own, only to be encountered by more of "CIEF", led by a man named...
Cal Kallis.
The names only get better from here. Even his minor characters are amazing.
Kallis has two roles in this story: to be a minor henchman for the heroes to have a fight with halfway through, and to give us exposition straight from Kung Fury:
"Well, would you look at that. If it isn't Jack West... I still haven't seen you since Iraq in '91. You know, West, my superiors still don't know how you got away from that SCUD base outside Basra. There musta been three hundred Republican Guards at that facility and yet you got away - and managed to destroy all those missile launchers."
Can we have a book about that?
Let's just get this chapter out of the way, because we have to get to something big...

A lot of things happen over the course of these next few pages, so I'll run through them very quickly:
1. Kallis takes Princess Zoe hostage, preparing us for her role in this book
2. West hands over "The Capstone"
3. Kallis attaches it to its helicopter, which flies away with it. Another helicopter is then shot down by the Europeans, giving West and the UN Avengers time to flee.
4. Kallis is told to let them go, as West and the girl are needed alive, resulting in a swamp chase.
5. Mortars get let off, like a firework display of boredom.
6. West calls for evacuation from somebody called "Sky Monster", one of those codenames which sounds an awful lot better in your head as a 13 year old

The swamp chase does not evoke any sort of reaction from me, for reasons described in previous posts about character and pacing. Nor does this happen:
That this was the fifth image when I Googled "Hard Target Jean Claude Van Damme" is a sign that the universe loves me.

There we go.
Now we are at the important part of the book: Sky Monster.
West informs Sky Monster that they are to evacuate on (in the words of Sky Monster):
"That really tiny potholed piece of shit road? Big enough to fit two mini-Coopers side by side?"
This evacuation will be done on "The Halicarnassus".
The Halicarnassus is a Boeing 747.
This should be a great, powerful, climactic moment after some intense action. But since the chase sequence has been a muddy dirge of drudgery, with no sense of real escalation or momentum due to our "in media reas" storytelling (which leaves the viewer confused and unable to relate to the people involved, reducing the stakes to those found on my last camping trip), this climax doesn't feel earned.
I do appreciate the image of a Boeing 747 piloted by a man named "Sky Monster" landing on a country road in Africa to pick up a team of multi-national psychopaths, however.

More next time!