Hamlet in Lol/Chav Speak: Part 2

Sorry once more for the delay, stuff has been going on. We now return to my epic descent into terrible comedy and the beating of a dead horse until it has melted into a fine gluey paste that sticks our chosen beating implement to the ground beneath it.

MILF-Luvver: sup babe
Lady111: Oh, it's you...
MILF-Luvver: wats that spsd 2 mean?
Lady111: Have you been spending time with my son?
MILF-Luvver: y?
Lady111: Your spelling and syntax are awful.
MILF-Luvver: Oh, nah, jst drunk lol
Lady111: I see... What is it you want, Claudius?
MILF-Luvver: Oh, rite, dtf?
Lady111: I beg your pardon?
MILF-Luvver: soz, talkin like ur son again. What I mean, dear lady, is that I wish to extend the offer of my companionship to thee, allowing for a suitable transition of grief between us. For I have lost a brother, you a lover.
Lady111: I apologise, that is indeed a fine proposition. I have been needing a suitable caretaker of this throne, it is awfully heavy.
MILF-Luvver: Oh that old thing? Sure, I guess I can hold onto it until Hamlet wants it. He and I are close, he'll need a calm hand through all of this, to help him.
Lady111: Oh Claudius, you are too kind. Please come round tomorrow for us to finish the details.
MILF-Luvver: No need, I'm outside.
Lady111: Oh. I see.

Anonymous1: Yo
Anonymous2: Yo
Anonymous1: You seen Ham?
Anonymous2: I have seen him.
Anonymous1: There is much wrong with him
Anonymous2: Much indeed is wrong with our friend.
Anonymous1: We should perhaps seek to rectify this?
Anonymous2: Why? Have thee ideas regarding the rectification of him?
Anonymous1: Only if you can tell me what is to be rectified.
Anonymous2: Alas, it is too late in the day for such thinking.
Anonymous1: Indeed, we have burnt much daylight.
Anonymous2: What?
Anonymous1: No idea, I say weird shit when I'm not high.
Anonymous2: I have come into the possession of weed.
Anonymous1: Into my possession has fallen "House of Flying Daggers".
Anonymous2: Tonight shall be good.
Anonymous1: This evening indeed shall be fine.

Midasdaddy: My dear Aloquisha, I am certainly interested in thine... "fair noble jewels". I shall of course require more information before parting with my gold...
Shankmaster: Still me dad. Log off
Midasdaddy: Ah. Ignore that, I think that one of Hamlet's friends must have hacked me again.
Shankmaster: Log off.
Midasdaddy: Honestly, those two, they'll never learn...
Shankmaster: I'm leaving.
Midasdaddy: Have a nice trip son!

xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi babez
Sex_Bomb96: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg babez! Ur online! Yay!
Sex_Bomb96: life sux
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg i kno rite! god, we have so much in common...
Sex_Bomb96: yeah... sure...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: I mean, ur dads dead, mine knoes nothin about me, so he mght as well b dead!
Sex_Bomb96: yea. I know. I read your blog.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg! I knew it! Have u seen my instagram account as well?
Sex_Bomb96: I'll do it later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: promise?
Sex_Bomb96: promise.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: pinky promise?
Sex_Bomb96: sure
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! I'll go tell my penpal and take pictures of the castle.
Sex_Bomb96: You're so deep Ophelia.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! luv u babez!

Midasdaddy: Ophelia my dear?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad!!! ur online?! get off now!
Midasdaddy: Why? Is there one of those viruses?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: if my gfs find out, ill be so embaressed ill die!
Midasdaddy: Your gfs? Oh you must mean those gif things your brother showed me! I have this fantastic one of a cat licking from a tap! Still, it doesn't seem to fit on these floppy disc things...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: wat do u want?
Midasdaddy: It's about Hamlet...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad! jst get out!!11! we llove each other! Get over it!
Midasdaddy: I don't think that he does, sweetheart.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: piss of dad.
Midasdaddy: I'll come back when you're feeling better.

Sex_Bomb96: Hoz? Hoz? You there boy?
Last living dude: Yeah, I'm here.
Sex_Bomb96: So... wanna go smoke pot with Rosey and Gil?
Last living dude: Little soon isn't it?
Sex_Bomb96: Nah, it's almost 5
Last living dude: I mean, it's a little soon after your father's death.
Sex_Bomb96: Oh I'm on that.
Last living dude: What do you mean?
Sex_Bomb96: I'm gonna be insane for a bit longer, check everyone out.
Last living dude: Dude, you were watching CSI again weren't you?
Sex_Bomb96: No
Last living dude: you always get paranoid and come up with these stupid crime theories or murder mystery shit! No, your dad was not murdered!
Sex_Bomb96: ... it was "Cracker"... And yes, he was!
Last living dude: Have you smoked that pot Rosencrantz has been growing?
Sex_Bomb96: He actually has pot?! Mother fucker lied to me...
Last living dude: Proof?
Sex_Bomb96: ghost
Last living dude: Getting real tired of your shit Hamlet. I'm off, I've got work in ten minutes. Take five, you need a break.

MILF-Luvver: Hello? Hello? Is anybody on this stupid server?
Anonymous1: Greetings to thee
Anonymous2: And salutations to thee.
MILF-Luvver: Good God... are you two idiots Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
Anonymous1: Indeed we are
Anonymous2: Our names be those.
MILF-Luvver: Hamlet, you two know him well?
Anonymous1: Once we did, we knew him like our brother.
Anonymous2: But now he has grown distant from us all.
MILF-Luvver: I want you to talk to him, find out how he is.
Anonymous1: Certainly sir
Anonymous2: An amicable request indeed.
MILF-Luvver: Good.
Anonymous1: For we have aquired some pharmaceuticals.
Anonymous2: As well as his favourite film.
Anonymous1: I thought it was "Weekend at Bernie's"?
Anonymous2: No, that was his favourite comedy good fellow.
Anonymous1: Ah, thank you kindly for correcting me dear friend.
MILF-Luvver: Pharmaceuticals?
Anonymous1: Errrm
Anonymous: Dumbass.
MILF-Luvver: Just keep an eye on him. You idiots...

Hamlet in Chav/LOL Speak: Part 1

Time for something completely different, seeing as I haven't added anything on here in a while. Hamlet! As told by chavs and LOL-Speak simpletons. This, like many of my ideas, stems from a late night on Facebook, after ingesting ungodly amounts of tea. I have expnded the original post and updated it slightly, leaving you with this monstrosity. The screen names of the characters are as follows:

Hamlet = Sex_Bomb 96
Claudius = MILF-Luvver
Horatio = Last living dude
Ophelia = xxPsycholuvver!!!xx
Gertrude = Lady111
Laertes = Shankmaster
Polonius = Midasdaddy
Rosencrantz = Anonymous1
Guildenstern = Anonymous2
Ghost = MILF-BANGER

Sex_Bomb 96: Yo blud! I is doin' well good like dis man! My dad is one of dem big fish, yeah? You get me Horatio?
Last living dude: Be careful man, we don't want those jealous bad boys coming over here and messing this sweet ass deal up do you?
MILF-Luvver: Time for me to fuck things up.
Sex_Bomb 96: Lol, like what unc?
MILF-Luvver: Your mum
Last living dude: lol
Sex_Bomb 96: dude! Not cool!

MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: dickhead
Sex_Bomb 96: wat?
MILF-BANGER: ... you online?
Sex_Bomb 96: dad, r u drunk? again?
MILF-BANGER: just avenge my death
Sex_Bomb 96: ur drunk dad
MILF-BANGER: wait! Don't log off! Your uncle Claudius is a right dick!
Sex_Bomb 96: I kno that dad, goodnight
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead.
Sex_Bomb 96: u wat?
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead. Claudius poisoned me.
Sex_Bomb 96: Then how're u writin dis?
MILF-BANGER: heaven. look, will u avenge my death or not?
Sex_Bomb 96: Fine.
MILF_BANGER: thnx son.
Sex_Bomb 96: dad?
MILF-BANGER: yea?
Sex_Bomb 96: wat's it like up there?
MILF-BANGER: in heaven?
Sex_Bomb 96: yea
MILF-BANGER: so much pussy
Sex_Bomb 96: rly?
MILF-BANGER: oh yea. So much poon.
Sex_Bomb 96: nice

Midasdaddy: Hello? Son? How does this thing work? Are you getting this?
Shankmaster: Yes dad, you're doing fine.
Midasdaddy: Oh, excellent! It's so good to be in the space cyber.
Shankmaster: The what?
Midasdaddy: Space cyber! Isn't that what the kids call this now?
Shankmaster: Cyber-space dad. It's called cyber-space. And nobody calls it that anymore.
Midasdaddy: Oh, I see... So what do you call this?
Shankmaster: Never mind, dad.
Midasdaddy: Are you all packed?
Shankmaster: Yes dad.
Midasdaddy: Toothbrush?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Spare clothes?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Sword?
Shankmaster: What?
Midasdaddy: Your sword. I never went anywhere without mine.
Shankmaster: Why would I need a sword, dad?
Midasdaddy: Self defence?
Shankmaster: Who's going to attack me?
Midasdaddy: You're a nobleman!
Shankmaster: Still, why would I carry a sword for self defence? It's hardly conspicuous!
Midasdaddy: Well, whenever I carry a sword in public, nobody attacks me!
Shankmaster: ... that's because they think you're insane now.
Midasdaddy: Well, what if you need to make a point?
Shankmaster: ... did you just make a joke?
Midasdaddy: Maybe...
Shankmaster: My flight's nearly here. Talk to you later.

xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hello?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: heeeeeellllllooooooooooooooooooo?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: you there?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: it's me!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: remember me?
Sex_Bomb 96: ... hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet! You're there! I was getting worried!
Sex_Bomb 96: ducks
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ???
Sex_Bomb 96: woogabooga!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hammy?
Sex_Bomb 96: potato farmers in the underpants of elephant monkey semen titties!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: You alright?
Sex_Bomb 96: macca-pacca boom boom pow!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ... I'll talk to you later. You sound drunk.
Sex_Bomb 96: Horry? Horry? You there?
Last living dude: yo
Sex_Bomb 96: she gone?
Last living dude: yup
Sex_Bomb 96: sweet. club?
Last living dude: dude, wat the hell r u doing?
Sex_Bomb 96: pretending I'm insane
Last living dude: Why?
Sex_Bomb 96: Shits and giggles.
Last living dude: really?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, gonna fuck up my uncle.
Last living dude: by actin' all weird n shit?
Sex_Bomb 96: He'll never see it comin'
Last living dude: watevs man. Want me to keep an eye on Ophelia?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, she'll be fine
Last living dude: bitches be trippin'.
Sex_Bomb 96: word

My posts have all been quite long, so I'll probably split this one. The second part will come eventually.