Another attempt at spoofing the trends of "dark reboots" of things. This time, one of my favourites, created during a conversation with a man who is me in 40 years. I give you: "Thunderbirds"
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Monday, 27 May 2013
Gritty Reboots: Thundebirds
Another attempt at spoofing the trends of "dark reboots" of things. This time, one of my favourites, created during a conversation with a man who is me in 40 years. I give you: "Thunderbirds"
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Gritty Reboots: Spyro the Dragon
The "darker and edgier" approach to reboots, sequels and series ideas is a popular one nowadays, but can it really be applied to anything? Well, let's give it a go! Based upon the rambing ideas of my flatmates and I as we experienced a sugar rush and a little booze, here is the first part in what could be a new series of sketches: Gritty Reboots.
We'll start with a good, fun, friendly children's game: Spyro the Dragon. Let's see where we go from here. So without further ado, here are scenes from Spyro the Dragon in: The Big Sleep...
Scene 1: Rainy Streets, dark, dingy and downtrodden
Monolgue by the dragon who sits at the bar, an untouched whiskey by his side, a cigarette burning in the ashtray beside him:
Spyro: This town man, it burns into your soul, eats away at you... Keeping order's like pissin' up the stream: You get nothing from it and the water just keeps on rising. I ever tell you about this one case?
Fairy Barman: Nope
Spyro: This one case... The case that makes you, or the case that breaks you...
Scene 2: Years Earlier
A body lies in the street, a dead fairy. Ignitus stands over it with a cigarette in his mouth. Spyro approaches:
Spyro: What've we got here?
Ignitus: Dead fairy whore. Patrol found her an hour ago.
Spyro: Look like our boy?
Ignitus: Yeah, he's back.
Spyro: Same M.O?
Ignitus: Yeah. You want the case?
Spyro: I am the case...
Scene 7: Elana's house
Elana: What do you want Spyro? I'm working.
Spyro: As a whore? Hardly work Elana...
Elana: It pays the bills! If you came here to insult me then don't bother, I get enough of that from the customers...
Spyro: They bothering you?
Elana: Not as much as you...
Spyro: Want me to take care of them?
Elana: What? No! Last time you did that we had to rebuild the entire place. Just tell me what you want and go.
Spyro: He's back in town, isn't he?
Elana: ...
Spyro: Tell me Elana, I'll protect you!
Elana: ... He's back. He came here last week looking for one of the girls...
Spyro: I can take care of you...
Elana: Just go! I've got customers waiting...
Spyro: What happened to us? We had something, you and I, once...
Elana: Your badge. That's what happened. You're a dragon obsessed! Fly away! Like you always do!
Scene 12: The bar
Hunter: We're partners Spyro, you can't do this alone!
Spyro: Go home and look after your kids Hunter, this doesn't concern you.
Hunter: Yes it does! Look at yourself! You haven't slept in days!
Spyro: And those fairies will never sleep again!
Hunter: Jesus... I knew you'd make this personal...
Spyro: It's not personal, it's justice...
Hunter: You didn't care about the fairies when their pimps were gunning them down in gang wars, why do you care about them now?
Spyro: Her name was Zoe...
Hunter: Zoe?
Spyro: Old friend. Helped me out of a bad place. I owe her my life. Owed...
Hunter: Alright. What leads have you got?
Spyro: Ripto...
Hunter: Come on Spyro, Ripto's small fry. You knew that when we ran him out of town, he doesn't want fairies dead when he can still make a profit from them.
Spyro: He still controls the muscle in this town. And his head's so deep in the gutter that he'll have heard something... A myth, a rumour, anything.
Hunter: Muscle? Crush isn't our guy, he's a two-bit thug, Gulp too.
Spyro: Bianca?
Hunter: Alright, I'll ask her. Only because we're friends. Promise me you'll sleep.
Spyro: Sure
Hunter: Promise.
Spyro: I promise.
Hunter: ... Good. Admit it, you've missed this.
Spyro: Hehe, alright, you got me.
Scene 14: Ripto's Mansion
Spyro glides, charges and flames his way through the henchmen before ending up at the offices of the fat Ripto, who recoils in fear
Ripto: Spyro! I thought you were dead!
Spyro: You can't kill the badge Ripto! Tell me who's behind this!
Ripto: My men! Guards!
Spyro: They can't help you now...
Ripto: Dead? Oh my God...
Spyro: He can't help you either. START TALKING!
Ripto: Okay! Okay! I had nothing to do with the murders! I just supplied the drugs, we kept them high on fairy dust so they'd work the streets! It was just good business!
Spyro: I know that! Who killed them?
Ripto: I can't! He'll kill me if I talk!
Spyro: And I'll kill you now if you don't!
Ripto: If you kill me, you'll never know!
Spyro: How much of you can I burn before you start stinking the place up? More than you already are that is...
Ripto: Alright I'll talk! He didn't give me a name, but he works at the new club at the docks!
Spyro: If you're lying, I'll be back...
Scene 18: The Station
Ignitus is at his desk
Ignitus: Come in Spyro.
Spyro: You wanted to see me chief?
Ignitus: Take a seat
Spyro: I'd rather stand. What's this about?
Ignitus: You've become obsessed.
Spyro: God damn it! No I haven't! I'm the only one who cares!
Ignitus: Cares about what? Your reputation? Looking good? I've got fifteen bodies in the morgue after your little stunt at Ripto's place! I told you he was off limits! I thought I could trust you!
Spyro: I needed information.
Ignitus: And I needed an officer who's not gone mad!
Spyro: Of course I'm mad. Mad about JUSTICE!
Ignitus: Justice? You never cared about them, you just wanted to use them for this stupid vendetta you've got against the world.
Spyro: Tell that to the grieving mothers chief...
Ignitus: You're off the case.
Spyro: What?! I AM the case!
Ignitus: You're a headcase!
Spyro: I'm the only officer you've got on this! I've nearly cracked it, ask Hunter.
Ignitus: Hunter's dead.
Spyro: What?!
Ignitus: We fished him out of the river. Poor bastard took eight bullets to the chest.
Spyro: ...
Ignitus: Your obsession killed him Spyro, we're placing you on sick leave.
Spyro: Who takes the case now? Who avenges him?
Ignitus: I've given your file to Sergeant Byrd.
Spyro: Byrd?! That fatass ain't even in homicide! He's a goddam narc!
Ignitus: He plays by the rules!
Spyro: Screw your rules and screw you chief! This case is mine!
Ignitus: Get back here!
Scene 24: Outside the burning labs
Byrd: God damn it Spyro, you were supposed to bring Crush in! Not destroy the fairy dust production rings, I'd been building a case againt Bianca and her gang for months! You've ruined a watertight investigation!
Spyro: Investigate this!
He punches the penguin
Byrd: I can see why the chief pull you from the case Spyro, you're unhinged!
Spyro: Say that again and your jaw will be too.
Byrd: Real mature! You homicide cops are all the same, with your gung-ho, high and mighty attitude to it all. You aren't satisfied until you've burned everything, you think the rules don't apply to you! Well they do! We're all trying to do some good here! But no, you and that good for nothing cheetah always fuck it up!
Spyro: Walk
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk, or I swear I'll end you
Byrd: You can try, I'll have you and your partner's asses fired so fast-
Spyro: He's dead.
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk. The case is mine. Walk and let me solve it, or go back to your wife well-cooked. Your choice Byrd.
Byrd: I didn't know! I'm sorry!
Spyro: Yeah, your kind always are...
Scene 30: Spyro's house
Spyro enters and checks the place, before opening his fridge and drinking milk. He closes it and Cynder is standing there.
Cynder: Hello lover.
Spyro: Get out!
Cynder: Is that any way to greet me? After all we've been through...
Spyro: I said out! This isn't the time Cynder!
Cynder: Relax, I'm not here for that. It's your case.
Spyro: My case?
Cynder: Now you're interested?
Spyro: Don't be coy, give me all you've got.
Cynder: Tut tut, so rude... Fine... The guy behind this has got Bianca working his dust labs right?
Spyro: Keep with the times Cynder. That was downtown, he ain't gonna feel magic for a long time...
Cynder: Well, I bet you didn't know he's got the Prof.
Spyro: What? He's dead!
Cynder: He vanished Spyro, honestly, I thought you cops were smarter than this...
Spyro: Where?
Cynder: The two of them are working on some weapons at the edge of town, by the dockyards. If they succeed, the criminals of this city will be unstoppable.
Spyro: How do you know this?
Cynder: I got out. The cheap bastards wanted me dead rather than paid, so they sent some guys after me. Needless to say, they didn't last long...
Spyro: Get out of town, this'll be messy.
Cynder: Not even a thank you?
Spyro: Out of town. Thank you.
Cynder: You can't do this alone, you need help!
Spyro: Zoe helped me once! Now she's buried in a shallow grave whilst her mother drinks herself to death! Hunter helped me, now he's dead too! I don't wanna lose any more...
Cynder: God damn it Spyro, you're always flying into danger, but you know what? Every time you do, you're flying from yourself!
Spyro glides away into the pouring rain, his face a mixture of emotions
Scene 37: The dockyards, a wounded Spyro and Byrd are taking cover as they are shot at by the enemy, Gulp on the left rattling out machine gun fire and Crush smashing stuff on the right. Byrd checks his gun.
Spyro: How many rounds?
Byrd: Two, enough for the bastards on the left. But they've got us covered.
Spyro: If I glide, I can take the one on the right.
Byrd: You can't make that! Are you crazy?
Spyro: ... Probably...
Byrd: I'll take the one on the right, I've got a better chance than you.
Spyro: The hell you do! I'm the better cop!
Byrd: Please, I'm not letting you take all the glory.
The penguin charges from cover and begins firing. Spyro glides out and takes down Gulp, before flying over and blasting Crush as well. He stops before Byrd.
Byrd: Damn! I'm getting slow in my old age!
Spyro: Get the baby dragons out of here!
Byrd: What about you?
Spyro: I'm going to end this! Once and for all!
Byrd: Hey Spyro!
Spyro: Yeah?
Byrd: You ain't so bad. You'd make a great cop one day.
Spyro: -With a smile- So would you Byrd.
Scene 39: The roof
Blinky the Mole holds Elana hostage, whilst The Professor stands to one side cackling maniacally. Behind them is a figure in shadows. Spyro glides over and lands before them.
Spyro: Enough! Let the girl go!
Elana: Spyro! Get out of here!
Blinky: Do as she says dragon! It's your last chance!
Spyro: Show yourself, let me see who dies!
The figure shakes his head at The Professor and Blinky, who lowers his knife but retains hold of Elana. He steps out from the shadows to reveal...
Spyro: SPARX?! NO! I saw you die!
Sparx: No Spyro, you LEFT ME to die! You saw the fires, the rubble, the death. You saw me go in after them, trying to save them, whilst you made off after the perps. Always so devoted to the rules, to the case, to the letter of the law. Where did that get you? We were partners! We could have been rich together! But no, you had to play honest cop and ruin everything!
Spyro: Sparx, stop this! You know it was wrong! Being a dirty cop wasn't enough for you so now you're a criminal mastermind? This isn't you! We were partners! Stop this madness and we can talk about this.
Sparx: There's nothing left to talk about. Soon the bombs will go off, the dragons will die and you'll have failed yet again Spyro! Do it Professor. And Blinky? Kill the girl.
Elana stomps on the psychotic mole's foot and elbows him in the face. He falls from the rooftop screaming to his death. The Professor is shocked, long enough for Spyro to charge him and headbutt him from the rooftop too, the detonator falling from his grasp and shattering on the floor.
Spyro: Last chance Sparx! Come with me or I'll be forced to do it.
Sparx: Never! You don't have the guts! You never did!
He goes to take off, but the moment he turns his back, Spyro blasts him with flame. He too falls from the rooftop to his death. Byrd, his flipper in a sling, has arrived with backup below:
Byrd: We got 'em out Spyro! You okay up there?
Spyro: Dandy. Clean it up Byrd, I hate paperwork...
Elana: You... you saved me!
Spyro: ...
Elana: What now? You just fly away?
Spyro: That's the usual plan.
Elana: And what do I do?
Spyro: You live your life Elana. Without me...
Elana: But... I can't
Spyro: You've done well so far...
Elana: It's her, isn't it?
Spyro: Yeah. I just can't quit her... Sorry Elana.
She kisses him
Elana: Go get her.
Spyro glides away as Byrd looks up
Byrd: Best damned cop I ever worked with.
Scene 42: Atop a roof
Spyro watches the city intently. Monologue
Spyro: I took Hunter's advice, best night's sleep I ever had. For once I could sleep, knowing justice had been done. Cynder and I hooked up, she's a dynamite gal. Too hot for most to handle, but not me. We do fine. At least, until I'm needed. Because in this city, justice never sleeps.
He glides away into the night.
The End
We'll start with a good, fun, friendly children's game: Spyro the Dragon. Let's see where we go from here. So without further ado, here are scenes from Spyro the Dragon in: The Big Sleep...
Scene 1: Rainy Streets, dark, dingy and downtrodden
Monolgue by the dragon who sits at the bar, an untouched whiskey by his side, a cigarette burning in the ashtray beside him:
Spyro: This town man, it burns into your soul, eats away at you... Keeping order's like pissin' up the stream: You get nothing from it and the water just keeps on rising. I ever tell you about this one case?
Fairy Barman: Nope
Spyro: This one case... The case that makes you, or the case that breaks you...
Scene 2: Years Earlier
A body lies in the street, a dead fairy. Ignitus stands over it with a cigarette in his mouth. Spyro approaches:
Spyro: What've we got here?
Ignitus: Dead fairy whore. Patrol found her an hour ago.
Spyro: Look like our boy?
Ignitus: Yeah, he's back.
Spyro: Same M.O?
Ignitus: Yeah. You want the case?
Spyro: I am the case...
Scene 7: Elana's house
Elana: What do you want Spyro? I'm working.
Spyro: As a whore? Hardly work Elana...
Elana: It pays the bills! If you came here to insult me then don't bother, I get enough of that from the customers...
Spyro: They bothering you?
Elana: Not as much as you...
Spyro: Want me to take care of them?
Elana: What? No! Last time you did that we had to rebuild the entire place. Just tell me what you want and go.
Spyro: He's back in town, isn't he?
Elana: ...
Spyro: Tell me Elana, I'll protect you!
Elana: ... He's back. He came here last week looking for one of the girls...
Spyro: I can take care of you...
Elana: Just go! I've got customers waiting...
Spyro: What happened to us? We had something, you and I, once...
Elana: Your badge. That's what happened. You're a dragon obsessed! Fly away! Like you always do!
Scene 12: The bar
Hunter: We're partners Spyro, you can't do this alone!
Spyro: Go home and look after your kids Hunter, this doesn't concern you.
Hunter: Yes it does! Look at yourself! You haven't slept in days!
Spyro: And those fairies will never sleep again!
Hunter: Jesus... I knew you'd make this personal...
Spyro: It's not personal, it's justice...
Hunter: You didn't care about the fairies when their pimps were gunning them down in gang wars, why do you care about them now?
Spyro: Her name was Zoe...
Hunter: Zoe?
Spyro: Old friend. Helped me out of a bad place. I owe her my life. Owed...
Hunter: Alright. What leads have you got?
Spyro: Ripto...
Hunter: Come on Spyro, Ripto's small fry. You knew that when we ran him out of town, he doesn't want fairies dead when he can still make a profit from them.
Spyro: He still controls the muscle in this town. And his head's so deep in the gutter that he'll have heard something... A myth, a rumour, anything.
Hunter: Muscle? Crush isn't our guy, he's a two-bit thug, Gulp too.
Spyro: Bianca?
Hunter: Alright, I'll ask her. Only because we're friends. Promise me you'll sleep.
Spyro: Sure
Hunter: Promise.
Spyro: I promise.
Hunter: ... Good. Admit it, you've missed this.
Spyro: Hehe, alright, you got me.
Scene 14: Ripto's Mansion
Spyro glides, charges and flames his way through the henchmen before ending up at the offices of the fat Ripto, who recoils in fear
Ripto: Spyro! I thought you were dead!
Spyro: You can't kill the badge Ripto! Tell me who's behind this!
Ripto: My men! Guards!
Spyro: They can't help you now...
Ripto: Dead? Oh my God...
Spyro: He can't help you either. START TALKING!
Ripto: Okay! Okay! I had nothing to do with the murders! I just supplied the drugs, we kept them high on fairy dust so they'd work the streets! It was just good business!
Spyro: I know that! Who killed them?
Ripto: I can't! He'll kill me if I talk!
Spyro: And I'll kill you now if you don't!
Ripto: If you kill me, you'll never know!
Spyro: How much of you can I burn before you start stinking the place up? More than you already are that is...
Ripto: Alright I'll talk! He didn't give me a name, but he works at the new club at the docks!
Spyro: If you're lying, I'll be back...
Scene 18: The Station
Ignitus is at his desk
Ignitus: Come in Spyro.
Spyro: You wanted to see me chief?
Ignitus: Take a seat
Spyro: I'd rather stand. What's this about?
Ignitus: You've become obsessed.
Spyro: God damn it! No I haven't! I'm the only one who cares!
Ignitus: Cares about what? Your reputation? Looking good? I've got fifteen bodies in the morgue after your little stunt at Ripto's place! I told you he was off limits! I thought I could trust you!
Spyro: I needed information.
Ignitus: And I needed an officer who's not gone mad!
Spyro: Of course I'm mad. Mad about JUSTICE!
Ignitus: Justice? You never cared about them, you just wanted to use them for this stupid vendetta you've got against the world.
Spyro: Tell that to the grieving mothers chief...
Ignitus: You're off the case.
Spyro: What?! I AM the case!
Ignitus: You're a headcase!
Spyro: I'm the only officer you've got on this! I've nearly cracked it, ask Hunter.
Ignitus: Hunter's dead.
Spyro: What?!
Ignitus: We fished him out of the river. Poor bastard took eight bullets to the chest.
Spyro: ...
Ignitus: Your obsession killed him Spyro, we're placing you on sick leave.
Spyro: Who takes the case now? Who avenges him?
Ignitus: I've given your file to Sergeant Byrd.
Spyro: Byrd?! That fatass ain't even in homicide! He's a goddam narc!
Ignitus: He plays by the rules!
Spyro: Screw your rules and screw you chief! This case is mine!
Ignitus: Get back here!
Scene 24: Outside the burning labs
Byrd: God damn it Spyro, you were supposed to bring Crush in! Not destroy the fairy dust production rings, I'd been building a case againt Bianca and her gang for months! You've ruined a watertight investigation!
Spyro: Investigate this!
He punches the penguin
Byrd: I can see why the chief pull you from the case Spyro, you're unhinged!
Spyro: Say that again and your jaw will be too.
Byrd: Real mature! You homicide cops are all the same, with your gung-ho, high and mighty attitude to it all. You aren't satisfied until you've burned everything, you think the rules don't apply to you! Well they do! We're all trying to do some good here! But no, you and that good for nothing cheetah always fuck it up!
Spyro: Walk
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk, or I swear I'll end you
Byrd: You can try, I'll have you and your partner's asses fired so fast-
Spyro: He's dead.
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk. The case is mine. Walk and let me solve it, or go back to your wife well-cooked. Your choice Byrd.
Byrd: I didn't know! I'm sorry!
Spyro: Yeah, your kind always are...
Scene 30: Spyro's house
Spyro enters and checks the place, before opening his fridge and drinking milk. He closes it and Cynder is standing there.
Cynder: Hello lover.
Spyro: Get out!
Cynder: Is that any way to greet me? After all we've been through...
Spyro: I said out! This isn't the time Cynder!
Cynder: Relax, I'm not here for that. It's your case.
Spyro: My case?
Cynder: Now you're interested?
Spyro: Don't be coy, give me all you've got.
Cynder: Tut tut, so rude... Fine... The guy behind this has got Bianca working his dust labs right?
Spyro: Keep with the times Cynder. That was downtown, he ain't gonna feel magic for a long time...
Cynder: Well, I bet you didn't know he's got the Prof.
Spyro: What? He's dead!
Cynder: He vanished Spyro, honestly, I thought you cops were smarter than this...
Spyro: Where?
Cynder: The two of them are working on some weapons at the edge of town, by the dockyards. If they succeed, the criminals of this city will be unstoppable.
Spyro: How do you know this?
Cynder: I got out. The cheap bastards wanted me dead rather than paid, so they sent some guys after me. Needless to say, they didn't last long...
Spyro: Get out of town, this'll be messy.
Cynder: Not even a thank you?
Spyro: Out of town. Thank you.
Cynder: You can't do this alone, you need help!
Spyro: Zoe helped me once! Now she's buried in a shallow grave whilst her mother drinks herself to death! Hunter helped me, now he's dead too! I don't wanna lose any more...
Cynder: God damn it Spyro, you're always flying into danger, but you know what? Every time you do, you're flying from yourself!
Spyro glides away into the pouring rain, his face a mixture of emotions
Scene 37: The dockyards, a wounded Spyro and Byrd are taking cover as they are shot at by the enemy, Gulp on the left rattling out machine gun fire and Crush smashing stuff on the right. Byrd checks his gun.
Spyro: How many rounds?
Byrd: Two, enough for the bastards on the left. But they've got us covered.
Spyro: If I glide, I can take the one on the right.
Byrd: You can't make that! Are you crazy?
Spyro: ... Probably...
Byrd: I'll take the one on the right, I've got a better chance than you.
Spyro: The hell you do! I'm the better cop!
Byrd: Please, I'm not letting you take all the glory.
The penguin charges from cover and begins firing. Spyro glides out and takes down Gulp, before flying over and blasting Crush as well. He stops before Byrd.
Byrd: Damn! I'm getting slow in my old age!
Spyro: Get the baby dragons out of here!
Byrd: What about you?
Spyro: I'm going to end this! Once and for all!
Byrd: Hey Spyro!
Spyro: Yeah?
Byrd: You ain't so bad. You'd make a great cop one day.
Spyro: -With a smile- So would you Byrd.
Scene 39: The roof
Blinky the Mole holds Elana hostage, whilst The Professor stands to one side cackling maniacally. Behind them is a figure in shadows. Spyro glides over and lands before them.
Spyro: Enough! Let the girl go!
Elana: Spyro! Get out of here!
Blinky: Do as she says dragon! It's your last chance!
Spyro: Show yourself, let me see who dies!
The figure shakes his head at The Professor and Blinky, who lowers his knife but retains hold of Elana. He steps out from the shadows to reveal...
Spyro: SPARX?! NO! I saw you die!
Sparx: No Spyro, you LEFT ME to die! You saw the fires, the rubble, the death. You saw me go in after them, trying to save them, whilst you made off after the perps. Always so devoted to the rules, to the case, to the letter of the law. Where did that get you? We were partners! We could have been rich together! But no, you had to play honest cop and ruin everything!
Spyro: Sparx, stop this! You know it was wrong! Being a dirty cop wasn't enough for you so now you're a criminal mastermind? This isn't you! We were partners! Stop this madness and we can talk about this.
Sparx: There's nothing left to talk about. Soon the bombs will go off, the dragons will die and you'll have failed yet again Spyro! Do it Professor. And Blinky? Kill the girl.
Elana stomps on the psychotic mole's foot and elbows him in the face. He falls from the rooftop screaming to his death. The Professor is shocked, long enough for Spyro to charge him and headbutt him from the rooftop too, the detonator falling from his grasp and shattering on the floor.
Spyro: Last chance Sparx! Come with me or I'll be forced to do it.
Sparx: Never! You don't have the guts! You never did!
He goes to take off, but the moment he turns his back, Spyro blasts him with flame. He too falls from the rooftop to his death. Byrd, his flipper in a sling, has arrived with backup below:
Byrd: We got 'em out Spyro! You okay up there?
Spyro: Dandy. Clean it up Byrd, I hate paperwork...
Elana: You... you saved me!
Spyro: ...
Elana: What now? You just fly away?
Spyro: That's the usual plan.
Elana: And what do I do?
Spyro: You live your life Elana. Without me...
Elana: But... I can't
Spyro: You've done well so far...
Elana: It's her, isn't it?
Spyro: Yeah. I just can't quit her... Sorry Elana.
She kisses him
Elana: Go get her.
Spyro glides away as Byrd looks up
Byrd: Best damned cop I ever worked with.
Scene 42: Atop a roof
Spyro watches the city intently. Monologue
Spyro: I took Hunter's advice, best night's sleep I ever had. For once I could sleep, knowing justice had been done. Cynder and I hooked up, she's a dynamite gal. Too hot for most to handle, but not me. We do fine. At least, until I'm needed. Because in this city, justice never sleeps.
He glides away into the night.
The End
Friday, 17 May 2013
Terrence Malick Presents: Star Trek Into Darkness
I hate Terrence Malick with the firey passion of a thousand burning suns. It started when I saw Tree of Life to see what the fuss was about and then... I died a little inside. It was like watching one of those spoofs of a French arthouse movie. I felt nothing, there was no "inner beauty" or "depth of the soul". Malick was not "naked before his audience" as Ebert described in To the Wonder (also terrible) but simply seeing if he could film random crap and get away with it.
Thus here is a not very good parody, based on a Facebook status of mine I came up with in the early hours of the morning.
Star Trek Into Darkness is a great movie and I saw it recently, so it seemed a good idea to spoof that first. Of course it won't matter, Malick has no bearing on it. He is to cinema what Hetalia: Axis Powers fans are to anime fandom.
Scene 1: Space
Camera pans across night sky
Monologue:
"Stars. Glitter like my soul. Shine like her eyes. Stare into me. Star... Stare..."
Enterprise moves across the screen, the camera glimpses it briefly.
Scene 2: On board.
Spock and Uhura sat at a dinner table.
No words. The beauty is here.
Uhura is smoking a cigarette
Spock's eyes say it all
(Nothing)
Scene 3: The Bridge
Kirk looks out the window, his eyes fixated upon the stars, like his soul is fixated upon adventure.
Slow pan across the machinery and consoles
"Father..." he whispers.
Scene 4: Engine Room
(Scott's scenes were cut)
Scene 5: Space
(Long takes of space and planets)
Scene 6: Earth
Admiral Buckaroo Banzai sits at a desk with his daughter. They are both reading books.
Banzai looks at his daughter over the glasses
Close up of Alice Eve's face
It says all it needs to say
Scene 7: Planet
Dinosaurs
Thus here is a not very good parody, based on a Facebook status of mine I came up with in the early hours of the morning.
Star Trek Into Darkness is a great movie and I saw it recently, so it seemed a good idea to spoof that first. Of course it won't matter, Malick has no bearing on it. He is to cinema what Hetalia: Axis Powers fans are to anime fandom.
Scene 1: Space
Camera pans across night sky
Monologue:
"Stars. Glitter like my soul. Shine like her eyes. Stare into me. Star... Stare..."
Enterprise moves across the screen, the camera glimpses it briefly.
Scene 2: On board.
Spock and Uhura sat at a dinner table.
No words. The beauty is here.
Uhura is smoking a cigarette
Spock's eyes say it all
(Nothing)
Scene 3: The Bridge
Kirk looks out the window, his eyes fixated upon the stars, like his soul is fixated upon adventure.
Slow pan across the machinery and consoles
"Father..." he whispers.
Scene 4: Engine Room
(Scott's scenes were cut)
Scene 5: Space
(Long takes of space and planets)
Scene 6: Earth
Admiral Buckaroo Banzai sits at a desk with his daughter. They are both reading books.
Banzai looks at his daughter over the glasses
Close up of Alice Eve's face
It says all it needs to say
Scene 7: Planet
Dinosaurs
Thursday, 16 May 2013
First Steps
Well, I've finally taken the plunge.
This will be a hectic, chaotic, odd mess of crap that I come up with, largely relating to movies and rants about the random crap that I enjoy.
There will be nerdy references and self-deprecation aplenty, but don't expect anything decent, it is for my enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of those that stumble across this thing.
In future I hope to post up my "Terrence Malick Presents..." stuff, which is pretty self explainatory: I do movies, books, T.V and other such stuff in the style of Terrence Malick.
Otherwise there'll be some reviews, lots of reviews, opinons that nobody cares about and perhaps some of my sketches and scripts if I am so inclined to inflict them upon you like a plague of decency, the senses and literature.
This will be a hectic, chaotic, odd mess of crap that I come up with, largely relating to movies and rants about the random crap that I enjoy.
There will be nerdy references and self-deprecation aplenty, but don't expect anything decent, it is for my enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of those that stumble across this thing.
In future I hope to post up my "Terrence Malick Presents..." stuff, which is pretty self explainatory: I do movies, books, T.V and other such stuff in the style of Terrence Malick.
Otherwise there'll be some reviews, lots of reviews, opinons that nobody cares about and perhaps some of my sketches and scripts if I am so inclined to inflict them upon you like a plague of decency, the senses and literature.
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