Sorry once more for the delay, stuff has been going on. We now return to my epic descent into terrible comedy and the beating of a dead horse until it has melted into a fine gluey paste that sticks our chosen beating implement to the ground beneath it.
MILF-Luvver: sup babe
Lady111: Oh, it's you...
MILF-Luvver: wats that spsd 2 mean?
Lady111: Have you been spending time with my son?
MILF-Luvver: y?
Lady111: Your spelling and syntax are awful.
MILF-Luvver: Oh, nah, jst drunk lol
Lady111: I see... What is it you want, Claudius?
MILF-Luvver: Oh, rite, dtf?
Lady111: I beg your pardon?
MILF-Luvver: soz, talkin like ur son again. What I mean, dear lady, is that I wish to extend the offer of my companionship to thee, allowing for a suitable transition of grief between us. For I have lost a brother, you a lover.
Lady111: I apologise, that is indeed a fine proposition. I have been needing a suitable caretaker of this throne, it is awfully heavy.
MILF-Luvver: Oh that old thing? Sure, I guess I can hold onto it until Hamlet wants it. He and I are close, he'll need a calm hand through all of this, to help him.
Lady111: Oh Claudius, you are too kind. Please come round tomorrow for us to finish the details.
MILF-Luvver: No need, I'm outside.
Lady111: Oh. I see.
Anonymous1: Yo
Anonymous2: Yo
Anonymous1: You seen Ham?
Anonymous2: I have seen him.
Anonymous1: There is much wrong with him
Anonymous2: Much indeed is wrong with our friend.
Anonymous1: We should perhaps seek to rectify this?
Anonymous2: Why? Have thee ideas regarding the rectification of him?
Anonymous1: Only if you can tell me what is to be rectified.
Anonymous2: Alas, it is too late in the day for such thinking.
Anonymous1: Indeed, we have burnt much daylight.
Anonymous2: What?
Anonymous1: No idea, I say weird shit when I'm not high.
Anonymous2: I have come into the possession of weed.
Anonymous1: Into my possession has fallen "House of Flying Daggers".
Anonymous2: Tonight shall be good.
Anonymous1: This evening indeed shall be fine.
Midasdaddy: My dear Aloquisha, I am certainly interested in thine... "fair noble jewels". I shall of course require more information before parting with my gold...
Shankmaster: Still me dad. Log off
Midasdaddy: Ah. Ignore that, I think that one of Hamlet's friends must have hacked me again.
Shankmaster: Log off.
Midasdaddy: Honestly, those two, they'll never learn...
Shankmaster: I'm leaving.
Midasdaddy: Have a nice trip son!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi babez
Sex_Bomb96: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg babez! Ur online! Yay!
Sex_Bomb96: life sux
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg i kno rite! god, we have so much in common...
Sex_Bomb96: yeah... sure...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: I mean, ur dads dead, mine knoes nothin about me, so he mght as well b dead!
Sex_Bomb96: yea. I know. I read your blog.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg! I knew it! Have u seen my instagram account as well?
Sex_Bomb96: I'll do it later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: promise?
Sex_Bomb96: promise.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: pinky promise?
Sex_Bomb96: sure
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! I'll go tell my penpal and take pictures of the castle.
Sex_Bomb96: You're so deep Ophelia.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: thanx! luv u babez!
Midasdaddy: Ophelia my dear?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad!!! ur online?! get off now!
Midasdaddy: Why? Is there one of those viruses?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: if my gfs find out, ill be so embaressed ill die!
Midasdaddy: Your gfs? Oh you must mean those gif things your brother showed me! I have this fantastic one of a cat licking from a tap! Still, it doesn't seem to fit on these floppy disc things...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: wat do u want?
Midasdaddy: It's about Hamlet...
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: omg dad! jst get out!!11! we llove each other! Get over it!
Midasdaddy: I don't think that he does, sweetheart.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: piss of dad.
Midasdaddy: I'll come back when you're feeling better.
Sex_Bomb96: Hoz? Hoz? You there boy?
Last living dude: Yeah, I'm here.
Sex_Bomb96: So... wanna go smoke pot with Rosey and Gil?
Last living dude: Little soon isn't it?
Sex_Bomb96: Nah, it's almost 5
Last living dude: I mean, it's a little soon after your father's death.
Sex_Bomb96: Oh I'm on that.
Last living dude: What do you mean?
Sex_Bomb96: I'm gonna be insane for a bit longer, check everyone out.
Last living dude: Dude, you were watching CSI again weren't you?
Sex_Bomb96: No
Last living dude: you always get paranoid and come up with these stupid crime theories or murder mystery shit! No, your dad was not murdered!
Sex_Bomb96: ... it was "Cracker"... And yes, he was!
Last living dude: Have you smoked that pot Rosencrantz has been growing?
Sex_Bomb96: He actually has pot?! Mother fucker lied to me...
Last living dude: Proof?
Sex_Bomb96: ghost
Last living dude: Getting real tired of your shit Hamlet. I'm off, I've got work in ten minutes. Take five, you need a break.
MILF-Luvver: Hello? Hello? Is anybody on this stupid server?
Anonymous1: Greetings to thee
Anonymous2: And salutations to thee.
MILF-Luvver: Good God... are you two idiots Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
Anonymous1: Indeed we are
Anonymous2: Our names be those.
MILF-Luvver: Hamlet, you two know him well?
Anonymous1: Once we did, we knew him like our brother.
Anonymous2: But now he has grown distant from us all.
MILF-Luvver: I want you to talk to him, find out how he is.
Anonymous1: Certainly sir
Anonymous2: An amicable request indeed.
MILF-Luvver: Good.
Anonymous1: For we have aquired some pharmaceuticals.
Anonymous2: As well as his favourite film.
Anonymous1: I thought it was "Weekend at Bernie's"?
Anonymous2: No, that was his favourite comedy good fellow.
Anonymous1: Ah, thank you kindly for correcting me dear friend.
MILF-Luvver: Pharmaceuticals?
Anonymous1: Errrm
Anonymous: Dumbass.
MILF-Luvver: Just keep an eye on him. You idiots...
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Monday, 1 July 2013
Hamlet in Chav/LOL Speak: Part 1
Time for something completely different, seeing as I haven't added anything on here in a while. Hamlet! As told by chavs and LOL-Speak simpletons. This, like many of my ideas, stems from a late night on Facebook, after ingesting ungodly amounts of tea. I have expnded the original post and updated it slightly, leaving you with this monstrosity. The screen names of the characters are as follows:
Hamlet = Sex_Bomb 96
Claudius = MILF-Luvver
Horatio = Last living dude
Ophelia = xxPsycholuvver!!!xx
Gertrude = Lady111
Laertes = Shankmaster
Polonius = Midasdaddy
Rosencrantz = Anonymous1
Guildenstern = Anonymous2
Ghost = MILF-BANGER
Sex_Bomb 96: Yo blud! I is doin' well good like dis man! My dad is one of dem big fish, yeah? You get me Horatio?
Last living dude: Be careful man, we don't want those jealous bad boys coming over here and messing this sweet ass deal up do you?
MILF-Luvver: Time for me to fuck things up.
Sex_Bomb 96: Lol, like what unc?
MILF-Luvver: Your mum
Last living dude: lol
Sex_Bomb 96: dude! Not cool!
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: dickhead
Sex_Bomb 96: wat?
MILF-BANGER: ... you online?
Sex_Bomb 96: dad, r u drunk? again?
MILF-BANGER: just avenge my death
Sex_Bomb 96: ur drunk dad
MILF-BANGER: wait! Don't log off! Your uncle Claudius is a right dick!
Sex_Bomb 96: I kno that dad, goodnight
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead.
Sex_Bomb 96: u wat?
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead. Claudius poisoned me.
Sex_Bomb 96: Then how're u writin dis?
MILF-BANGER: heaven. look, will u avenge my death or not?
Sex_Bomb 96: Fine.
MILF_BANGER: thnx son.
Sex_Bomb 96: dad?
MILF-BANGER: yea?
Sex_Bomb 96: wat's it like up there?
MILF-BANGER: in heaven?
Sex_Bomb 96: yea
MILF-BANGER: so much pussy
Sex_Bomb 96: rly?
MILF-BANGER: oh yea. So much poon.
Sex_Bomb 96: nice
Midasdaddy: Hello? Son? How does this thing work? Are you getting this?
Shankmaster: Yes dad, you're doing fine.
Midasdaddy: Oh, excellent! It's so good to be in the space cyber.
Shankmaster: The what?
Midasdaddy: Space cyber! Isn't that what the kids call this now?
Shankmaster: Cyber-space dad. It's called cyber-space. And nobody calls it that anymore.
Midasdaddy: Oh, I see... So what do you call this?
Shankmaster: Never mind, dad.
Midasdaddy: Are you all packed?
Shankmaster: Yes dad.
Midasdaddy: Toothbrush?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Spare clothes?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Sword?
Shankmaster: What?
Midasdaddy: Your sword. I never went anywhere without mine.
Shankmaster: Why would I need a sword, dad?
Midasdaddy: Self defence?
Shankmaster: Who's going to attack me?
Midasdaddy: You're a nobleman!
Shankmaster: Still, why would I carry a sword for self defence? It's hardly conspicuous!
Midasdaddy: Well, whenever I carry a sword in public, nobody attacks me!
Shankmaster: ... that's because they think you're insane now.
Midasdaddy: Well, what if you need to make a point?
Shankmaster: ... did you just make a joke?
Midasdaddy: Maybe...
Shankmaster: My flight's nearly here. Talk to you later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hello?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: heeeeeellllllooooooooooooooooooo?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: you there?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: it's me!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: remember me?
Sex_Bomb 96: ... hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet! You're there! I was getting worried!
Sex_Bomb 96: ducks
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ???
Sex_Bomb 96: woogabooga!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hammy?
Sex_Bomb 96: potato farmers in the underpants of elephant monkey semen titties!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: You alright?
Sex_Bomb 96: macca-pacca boom boom pow!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ... I'll talk to you later. You sound drunk.
Sex_Bomb 96: Horry? Horry? You there?
Last living dude: yo
Sex_Bomb 96: she gone?
Last living dude: yup
Sex_Bomb 96: sweet. club?
Last living dude: dude, wat the hell r u doing?
Sex_Bomb 96: pretending I'm insane
Last living dude: Why?
Sex_Bomb 96: Shits and giggles.
Last living dude: really?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, gonna fuck up my uncle.
Last living dude: by actin' all weird n shit?
Sex_Bomb 96: He'll never see it comin'
Last living dude: watevs man. Want me to keep an eye on Ophelia?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, she'll be fine
Last living dude: bitches be trippin'.
Sex_Bomb 96: word
My posts have all been quite long, so I'll probably split this one. The second part will come eventually.
Hamlet = Sex_Bomb 96
Claudius = MILF-Luvver
Horatio = Last living dude
Ophelia = xxPsycholuvver!!!xx
Gertrude = Lady111
Laertes = Shankmaster
Polonius = Midasdaddy
Rosencrantz = Anonymous1
Guildenstern = Anonymous2
Ghost = MILF-BANGER
Sex_Bomb 96: Yo blud! I is doin' well good like dis man! My dad is one of dem big fish, yeah? You get me Horatio?
Last living dude: Be careful man, we don't want those jealous bad boys coming over here and messing this sweet ass deal up do you?
MILF-Luvver: Time for me to fuck things up.
Sex_Bomb 96: Lol, like what unc?
MILF-Luvver: Your mum
Last living dude: lol
Sex_Bomb 96: dude! Not cool!
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: yo
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: ...
MILF-BANGER: dickhead
Sex_Bomb 96: wat?
MILF-BANGER: ... you online?
Sex_Bomb 96: dad, r u drunk? again?
MILF-BANGER: just avenge my death
Sex_Bomb 96: ur drunk dad
MILF-BANGER: wait! Don't log off! Your uncle Claudius is a right dick!
Sex_Bomb 96: I kno that dad, goodnight
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead.
Sex_Bomb 96: u wat?
MILF-BANGER: I'm dead. Claudius poisoned me.
Sex_Bomb 96: Then how're u writin dis?
MILF-BANGER: heaven. look, will u avenge my death or not?
Sex_Bomb 96: Fine.
MILF_BANGER: thnx son.
Sex_Bomb 96: dad?
MILF-BANGER: yea?
Sex_Bomb 96: wat's it like up there?
MILF-BANGER: in heaven?
Sex_Bomb 96: yea
MILF-BANGER: so much pussy
Sex_Bomb 96: rly?
MILF-BANGER: oh yea. So much poon.
Sex_Bomb 96: nice
Midasdaddy: Hello? Son? How does this thing work? Are you getting this?
Shankmaster: Yes dad, you're doing fine.
Midasdaddy: Oh, excellent! It's so good to be in the space cyber.
Shankmaster: The what?
Midasdaddy: Space cyber! Isn't that what the kids call this now?
Shankmaster: Cyber-space dad. It's called cyber-space. And nobody calls it that anymore.
Midasdaddy: Oh, I see... So what do you call this?
Shankmaster: Never mind, dad.
Midasdaddy: Are you all packed?
Shankmaster: Yes dad.
Midasdaddy: Toothbrush?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Spare clothes?
Shankmaster: Yes.
Midasdaddy: Sword?
Shankmaster: What?
Midasdaddy: Your sword. I never went anywhere without mine.
Shankmaster: Why would I need a sword, dad?
Midasdaddy: Self defence?
Shankmaster: Who's going to attack me?
Midasdaddy: You're a nobleman!
Shankmaster: Still, why would I carry a sword for self defence? It's hardly conspicuous!
Midasdaddy: Well, whenever I carry a sword in public, nobody attacks me!
Shankmaster: ... that's because they think you're insane now.
Midasdaddy: Well, what if you need to make a point?
Shankmaster: ... did you just make a joke?
Midasdaddy: Maybe...
Shankmaster: My flight's nearly here. Talk to you later.
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: hello?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: heeeeeellllllooooooooooooooooooo?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: you there?
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: it's me!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: remember me?
Sex_Bomb 96: ... hi
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hamlet! You're there! I was getting worried!
Sex_Bomb 96: ducks
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ???
Sex_Bomb 96: woogabooga!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: Hammy?
Sex_Bomb 96: potato farmers in the underpants of elephant monkey semen titties!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: You alright?
Sex_Bomb 96: macca-pacca boom boom pow!
xxPsycholuvver!!!xx: ... I'll talk to you later. You sound drunk.
Sex_Bomb 96: Horry? Horry? You there?
Last living dude: yo
Sex_Bomb 96: she gone?
Last living dude: yup
Sex_Bomb 96: sweet. club?
Last living dude: dude, wat the hell r u doing?
Sex_Bomb 96: pretending I'm insane
Last living dude: Why?
Sex_Bomb 96: Shits and giggles.
Last living dude: really?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, gonna fuck up my uncle.
Last living dude: by actin' all weird n shit?
Sex_Bomb 96: He'll never see it comin'
Last living dude: watevs man. Want me to keep an eye on Ophelia?
Sex_Bomb 96: nah, she'll be fine
Last living dude: bitches be trippin'.
Sex_Bomb 96: word
My posts have all been quite long, so I'll probably split this one. The second part will come eventually.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Zero Dark 30: The Action Movie
Do we want an award winning movie about the ethical implications of torture surrounding the manhunt for a straw-man political figure created as a figurehead and boogeyman for the masses?
NO!
We want Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammer, kicking ass for America in a direct to DVD action movie where he tracks down the son of a bitch who dares mock freedom and teaches him a lesson: The American way! They said it couldn't be done and that it was suicide for any man that tried, but when justice beckoned, Jack Hammer answered.
For Jack Hammer isn't an American't.
He's an American.
Starring:
Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammers
Omar Sharif as Osama Bin Laden
Eric Roberts as Agent Chuck Daniels
Ghassan Massoud as Achmed
Rebecca De Mornay as Wife
Kareem Abdul Jabbar as President Obama
Scene 1: The Orphange
Two ragheads sit in a van, adjusting the suicide vest of another. The one with a scar on his face is their leader.
Achmed: Remember your mission Yusuf.
Yususf: Yes brother. These American dogs will pay for their arrogance...
Amir: This has been a long time coming.
Yusuf: I am ready.
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
Yusuf: Allahu Akbar.
He leaves the van and walks towards the orphanage. Achmed lights a cigarette and turns to Amir
Achmed: Drive. Tomorrow morning, their reckoning shall come... For now we must report to the boss and tell him it is done.
They drive off. Achmed stops to shoot an American flag and salute mockingly.
Scene 2: The Suburban Home
A man, a good honest American, is getting breakfast with his beautiful blonde wife and bouncing, beautiful children. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, watching the news.
Newsreader: Another orphanage was attacked this morning, with the terrorist known as "Osama Bin Laden" claiming responsibility for the attack, which left 18 children dead.
Wife: My God... those monsters!
Daughter: Daddy, who's Osama Bin Laden?
Chuck Daniels: He's a very bad man that your daddy is going to look for.
Son: You gonna arrest him daddy?
Chuck Daniels: Haha, I wish I could, Billy. But with a Commie in the White House blocking me at every turn, it'll be difficult...
Wife: Can't you find some way?
Chuck Daniels: I wish I could... Love you honey! You kids have a good day at school you hear me?
He kisses his hot, sexy, buxom wife (Close up) and leaves
Scene 3: Afghanistan
A muscled man does pull ups in the desert heat, an American flag behind him billowing in the wind. His shirtless chest is rippling with muscles and gleaming with sweat. But not in a gay way.
Jack Hammers: ... 998, 999, 1000!
He drops down and swigs the whiskey bottle on the table, before hearing a noise and turning around to see a jeep approaching him. He dons his sunglasses and takes a seat, waiting for them to arrive. They pull up and three men, filthy Arabs, jump out and approach him. All oily and shit.
Scumbag 1: Mr Hammers! So good to see you trespassing on my land again...
Jack Hammers: Come to check my papers again? You know I'm here legally, why keep on hassling me?
Scumbag 2: 'Cause maybe we don't like you!
Scumbag 3: Yeah! Maybe we don't like you!
Jack Hammers: You always this eloquent?
Scumbag 2: What'd you call me?
He reaches for a gun, but Hammers is faster, like all true Americans, in producing his own Desert Eagle
Jack Hammers: Try it pal. Your 72 virgins will be cleaning blood for eternity.
Scumbag 1: Easy gentlemen! We need not resort to violence! Mr Hammers, may I sit down?
Jack Hammers: I would say it's a free country. But I never lie. Not even to men like you.
Scumbag 3: You're a funny man Jack! You'll be even funnier when we strangle you with that flag...
Jack Hammers: Is a man not entitled to be proud of his country?
Scumbag 1: Not yours Jack. Nobody has the right.
Jack Hammers: You'd best turn around. I've tried to be civil.
Scumbag 1: You arrogant American, get out of my country you swine!
They all pull guns, but Hammers blasts away two of them, before kicking the table into the face of their leader and blasting the gun out of his hand. He swigs from his whiskey and glares down at the man
Jack Hammers: Tell him I've got a delivery.
Scumbag 1: Who?
Jack Hammers: The Devil. A delivery of scum like you.
He blows the dud'es brains out over the table with that hot, sleek, cool, ice cold, yet scorching piece of fine American steel. But not in a gay way.
Scene 6: The White House
President Obama: We can't!
Chuck Daniels: Why not?
President Obama: Because it's outside our jurisdiction! I will not let you annoy our friends in the Middle East!
Chuck Daniels: Friends? They're hiding these bastards!
President Obama: You forget your place, Agent!
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: Enough!
Chuck Daniels: ... I can get you another term sir...
President Obama: ... how?
Chuck Daniels: Get me a man, we'll get you Bin Laden. You can take all the credit. You'll be a hero Mr President.
President Obama: And what's in it for you?
Chuck Daniels: I just wanna get this son of a bitch.
President Obama: Admirable, but naive... Alright Daniels. I'll play. You get this man, or you lose your job.
Chuck Daniels: What?!
President Obama: I'll need somebody to blame for this. You're part of national security, you'll do.
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: This isn't negotiable, Agent. Now get out of my office. It's time for me to get my prayer mat...
Scene 10: The Desert
Chuck Daniels approaches Hammers at his home
Jack Hammers: Explain yourself pal, or I'll send you home with a bullet in your brain. What little there is of it...
Chuck Daniels: Easy, Jack! I've come here to ask for your help.
Jack Hammers: How do you know my name?
Chuck Daniels: I read your file, Jack, it's impressive.
Jack Hammers: That was then. I don't work for you anymore.
Chuck Daniels: May I sit?
Jack Hammers: Sure...
Chuck Daniels: Will you put the gun down?
Jack Hammers: I never put my gun down. It's the only thing that's kept me alive out here in this God-forsaken wasteland.
Chuck Daniels: America needs you Jack.
Jack Hammers: Oh? Well do I need America? They've got a God-dammned Commie in the White House, gay marriage on the cards.. The whole country's gone to the dogs...
Chuck Daniels: So you'll just turn your back?
Jack Hammers: ...
Chuck Daniels: Unbelievable.
He tosses a selection of photographs onto the table
Jack Hammers: What the Hell are these?
Chuck Daniels: 18 reasons to believe in America.
Scene 16: The Airport
Two men in suicide vests step into the waiting area, with other terrorists armed with AK-47s attacking and taking hostages
Achmed: Stay down! All of you! We are seizing this airport in the name of Allah! As part of the mighty jihad against you and your people!
Old Lady: Why are you doing this?
Achmed shoots her in the face
Achmed: Stupid American bitch! We do this because we can! Because we hate your freedoms! Zahid, put the tape on screen.
One of the terrorists does some COMPOOTOR HAKKINGZ and gets the screens to show Osama Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: People of America. Know this. My men currently occupy an airport. We seek no ransoms, we seek no release of prisoners. We seek nothing but your attention as you watch us do whatever we choose with you, your people and your country. Because we HATE FREEDOM!
Jack Hammers smashes through the window and goes Die Hard on these S.O.Bs, blasting left right and centre, kicking one guy through a window and then feeding one into the X-Ray machine. He approaches one of the suicide bombers and points his gun at him, but the man takes a hot girl hostage.
Bomber: Don't move Yankee scum! Even if you shoot me, I go off!
(But not in a gay way)
Jack blows his hand off. Close-up of the hand exploding into a bag of goo.
Jack Hammers: Hands off the girl dirtbag...
He shoots him in the other hand just to be sure, leaving the foreign scum writhing on the floor in agony. Our hero looks to the girl.
Girl: Go get those sons of bitches!
Hammers nods and shoots another two terrorists. He makes his way through the airport, encountering one leading a group who ambush him. After a firefight, he corners the leader. They point their guns at each other.
Nasir: You Americans just don't understand us...
Jack Hammers: What's there to understand? You hate freedom. I'm fine with a man not liking the things I love, truly, but when he steps over the line...
Nasir: You nothing of my life, American! I'm from Afghanistan!
Jack Hammers shoots him in the face
Jack Hammers: Now you're in Af-Gone-istan.
He goes out to find Achmed has fled. Bin Laden leers at him from the screen
Bin Laden: You! You dare mess with my plans?!
Jack Hammers: Hide behind your screens whilst you can Osama, I'm coming for you.
Bin Laden: Brave talk for a dead man. Tell me, what name shall I offer up to Allah as the man who I killed for attempting to defile his divine will.
Jack Hammers: Just use my codename buddy.
Bin Laden: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Agent Zero Dark Thirty.
He shoots the screen
Scene 21: The car
Chuck Daniels: I thought you weren't coming back.
Jack Hammers: I couldn't walk. Not from that.
Chuck Daniels: I thought you didn't love America anymore.
Jack Hammers: I never stopped. I may not agree with what's happened to my beautiful bride, but I still love her. I always will...
Chuck Daniels: Well, check the glove compartment.
Jack opens it and discovers a watch
Jack Hammers: This what I think it is?
Chuck Daniels: A welcome back present from the C.I.A
Scene 27: A Cave
Bin Laden: I want this man FOUND!
Achmed: I understand sir...
Bin Laden: I'm not sure that you do, Achmed! I want everything you have on this man! I want his name, his address, his date of birth, his records, his wife, his children, his favourite ice cream flavour, EVERYTHING!
Achmed: His name is Hammers sir. Jack Hammers.
Bin Laden: So you know this man?
Achmed: Yes sir, he was the one responsible for this, many years ago...
He points to his scar.
Bin Laden: Well if you do not bring me his head, that scar will be the least of your worries. Understand?
Achmed: Yes sir.
Bin Laden: Allahu Akbar
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
On the screen, Bin Laden goes back to molesting the white chicks he has kidnapped.
Scene 30: Bagdhad marketplace
Jack Hammers walks down the streets, eyes open and ready for danger. His hand goes to the earpiece that he wears
Chuck Daniels: You hearing me Jack?
Jack Hammers: Yeah I hear ya.
Chuck Daniels: Remember Jack, we want this guy alive so we can find Bin Laden.
Jack Hammers: Alive, not unharmed.
Chuck Daniels: Now you're talking...
He notices Zahid in the street and goes after him, stalking through the crowds. Zahid notices him and makes a break for his car. Men spring from the shadows, dressed in turbans and carrying AK-47s, opening fire indiscriminately. Hammers pulls a pregnant woman out of the crossfire, then blasts the motherfucker in the head, nodding to the woman and going after more of them.
Terrorist: Kill the American!
He kicks a small boy down and Jack stops his pursuit to help him up
Boy: Thanks mister!
Jack Hammers: No problem kid.
Boy: You gonna get that man?
Jack Hammers: Yeah. I'm gonna bring freedom...
Boy: Go get him!
Jack ruffles his hair and goes after the terrorist, cornering him. He shoots him in the face when he reaches for a gun, then shoots his friend. Zahid is hiding behind a stall. His final ally pulls a knife and charges Jack, who floors him with a single punch and breaks his neck before approaching Zahid.
Zahid: I surrender!
Jack Hammers: Not so fast.
He shoots Zahid in the kneecap.
Scene 32: A warehouse
Zahid, bruised and bloodied, is tied to a chair. Chuck and Jack interrogate him.
Chuck Daniels: Just tell us where he is, Zahid.
Zahid: No! Allah forbids it!
Jack Hammers: If you don't tell us, then you'll be meeting Allah...
Zahid: I am not afraid. I have 72 virgins awaiting me.
Jack Hammers: Good luck getting served by them when I cut off your jihad...
Zahid: What?
Jack goes to the table and picks up a knife, walking over to them
Chuck Daniels: You'd better tell him, Zahid.
Zahid: A CAVE!
Chuck Daniels: Which cave?
Zahid: Alright! It's not a cave, it's an old house behind one of the caves!
Chuck Daniels: Point to it on this map.
Zahid points.
Jack Hammers: Good boy Zahid. You're free to go.
Zahid: W...What?
Jack Hammers: You're free to meet Allah.
Jack stabs him in the eye.
Chuck Daniels: I see what you did there.
Jack Hammers: He didn't.
Chuck Daniels: No, but I'm sure that he got the point.
Scene 36: Helicopter
Chuck Daniels: Wait on my order! We let Jack do his work, then send in the reinforcements and bomb this place to hell. Got it?
Pilot: Sure thing pal.
Chuck Daniels: Come on Jack... I know you can do this...
Scene 37: The house
A wounded Jack and Achmed have a shirtless fistfight on the roof. But not in a gay way. Achmed kicks him to the ground and steps on his neck, producing a knife from his boot.
Achmed: The great Zero Dark Thirty... now in my grasp... First we killed your wife and child on September the 11th, and now I get to finish the job personally. I would say that it has been an honour, but you didn't put up much of a fight. Any last words?
Jack Hammers: Two
Achmed: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Hammer time
He presses a button on his watch and a hammer fires out into Achmed's neck. The terrorist drops his knife, staggers back and falls off the roof. Dead. Jack takes the knife and kicks his way through the window.
Scene 38: Bin Laden's living room
The terrorist leader is propped up on cushions, surrounded by hashish, opium and hot drugged up sex slaves. Jack Hammers kicks through the window into his guard, slashing the man's throat, then picks up his AK47 and guns down the other one before turning it on Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: What the?!
Jack Hammers: You're him... The man responsible for all the world's evil
Bin Laden: Please, Mr Hammers, I can give you anything. You want these women? Here! Take them!
Jack Hammers: Like you took them from their good, clean families and made them your brides?
Bin Laden: I can change!
Jack Hammers: Evil never changes... Get out of here girls...
Most of the girls get to their feet and dash out, save one unconscious one.
Bin Laden: Can't you see that this isn't about me, or you, or even the American government? It's about money, oil and power. Your people take what we have, we are just trying to fight back! Fight back in the name of Allah!
Jack Hammers: Oil? Can it Osama.
He shoots the man and then checks his watch, shaking the woman awake
Girl: Huh?
Jack Hammers: Come with me doll, we've gotta get out of here...
Girl: But... Bin Laden...
Jack Hammers: He's Has-Bin Laden now...
Bikini-Clad Girl in his arms, Jack runs in slo-mo from the building as Chuck Daniels fires rockets at it.
Scene 41: The White House
The President is there, ready to present medals to Hammers and Daniels
President Obama: Congratulations gentleman. This country thanks you for stopping a great evil. I too thank you.
Jack Hammers: Keep your medal. I didn't do it for you.
President Obama: Pardon me?
Jack Hammers: I didn't do it for you. I did it for America. Know that whatever happens, Commie president or not, I'll protect my country.
He punches Obama and leaves the office.
The End
NO!
We want Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammer, kicking ass for America in a direct to DVD action movie where he tracks down the son of a bitch who dares mock freedom and teaches him a lesson: The American way! They said it couldn't be done and that it was suicide for any man that tried, but when justice beckoned, Jack Hammer answered.
For Jack Hammer isn't an American't.
He's an American.
Starring:
Fred Ward as Major Jack Hammers
Omar Sharif as Osama Bin Laden
Eric Roberts as Agent Chuck Daniels
Ghassan Massoud as Achmed
Rebecca De Mornay as Wife
Kareem Abdul Jabbar as President Obama
Scene 1: The Orphange
Two ragheads sit in a van, adjusting the suicide vest of another. The one with a scar on his face is their leader.
Achmed: Remember your mission Yusuf.
Yususf: Yes brother. These American dogs will pay for their arrogance...
Amir: This has been a long time coming.
Yusuf: I am ready.
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
Yusuf: Allahu Akbar.
He leaves the van and walks towards the orphanage. Achmed lights a cigarette and turns to Amir
Achmed: Drive. Tomorrow morning, their reckoning shall come... For now we must report to the boss and tell him it is done.
They drive off. Achmed stops to shoot an American flag and salute mockingly.
Scene 2: The Suburban Home
A man, a good honest American, is getting breakfast with his beautiful blonde wife and bouncing, beautiful children. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, watching the news.
Newsreader: Another orphanage was attacked this morning, with the terrorist known as "Osama Bin Laden" claiming responsibility for the attack, which left 18 children dead.
Wife: My God... those monsters!
Daughter: Daddy, who's Osama Bin Laden?
Chuck Daniels: He's a very bad man that your daddy is going to look for.
Son: You gonna arrest him daddy?
Chuck Daniels: Haha, I wish I could, Billy. But with a Commie in the White House blocking me at every turn, it'll be difficult...
Wife: Can't you find some way?
Chuck Daniels: I wish I could... Love you honey! You kids have a good day at school you hear me?
He kisses his hot, sexy, buxom wife (Close up) and leaves
Scene 3: Afghanistan
A muscled man does pull ups in the desert heat, an American flag behind him billowing in the wind. His shirtless chest is rippling with muscles and gleaming with sweat. But not in a gay way.
Jack Hammers: ... 998, 999, 1000!
He drops down and swigs the whiskey bottle on the table, before hearing a noise and turning around to see a jeep approaching him. He dons his sunglasses and takes a seat, waiting for them to arrive. They pull up and three men, filthy Arabs, jump out and approach him. All oily and shit.
Scumbag 1: Mr Hammers! So good to see you trespassing on my land again...
Jack Hammers: Come to check my papers again? You know I'm here legally, why keep on hassling me?
Scumbag 2: 'Cause maybe we don't like you!
Scumbag 3: Yeah! Maybe we don't like you!
Jack Hammers: You always this eloquent?
Scumbag 2: What'd you call me?
He reaches for a gun, but Hammers is faster, like all true Americans, in producing his own Desert Eagle
Jack Hammers: Try it pal. Your 72 virgins will be cleaning blood for eternity.
Scumbag 1: Easy gentlemen! We need not resort to violence! Mr Hammers, may I sit down?
Jack Hammers: I would say it's a free country. But I never lie. Not even to men like you.
Scumbag 3: You're a funny man Jack! You'll be even funnier when we strangle you with that flag...
Jack Hammers: Is a man not entitled to be proud of his country?
Scumbag 1: Not yours Jack. Nobody has the right.
Jack Hammers: You'd best turn around. I've tried to be civil.
Scumbag 1: You arrogant American, get out of my country you swine!
They all pull guns, but Hammers blasts away two of them, before kicking the table into the face of their leader and blasting the gun out of his hand. He swigs from his whiskey and glares down at the man
Jack Hammers: Tell him I've got a delivery.
Scumbag 1: Who?
Jack Hammers: The Devil. A delivery of scum like you.
He blows the dud'es brains out over the table with that hot, sleek, cool, ice cold, yet scorching piece of fine American steel. But not in a gay way.
Scene 6: The White House
President Obama: We can't!
Chuck Daniels: Why not?
President Obama: Because it's outside our jurisdiction! I will not let you annoy our friends in the Middle East!
Chuck Daniels: Friends? They're hiding these bastards!
President Obama: You forget your place, Agent!
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: Enough!
Chuck Daniels: ... I can get you another term sir...
President Obama: ... how?
Chuck Daniels: Get me a man, we'll get you Bin Laden. You can take all the credit. You'll be a hero Mr President.
President Obama: And what's in it for you?
Chuck Daniels: I just wanna get this son of a bitch.
President Obama: Admirable, but naive... Alright Daniels. I'll play. You get this man, or you lose your job.
Chuck Daniels: What?!
President Obama: I'll need somebody to blame for this. You're part of national security, you'll do.
Chuck Daniels: But sir!
President Obama: This isn't negotiable, Agent. Now get out of my office. It's time for me to get my prayer mat...
Scene 10: The Desert
Chuck Daniels approaches Hammers at his home
Jack Hammers: Explain yourself pal, or I'll send you home with a bullet in your brain. What little there is of it...
Chuck Daniels: Easy, Jack! I've come here to ask for your help.
Jack Hammers: How do you know my name?
Chuck Daniels: I read your file, Jack, it's impressive.
Jack Hammers: That was then. I don't work for you anymore.
Chuck Daniels: May I sit?
Jack Hammers: Sure...
Chuck Daniels: Will you put the gun down?
Jack Hammers: I never put my gun down. It's the only thing that's kept me alive out here in this God-forsaken wasteland.
Chuck Daniels: America needs you Jack.
Jack Hammers: Oh? Well do I need America? They've got a God-dammned Commie in the White House, gay marriage on the cards.. The whole country's gone to the dogs...
Chuck Daniels: So you'll just turn your back?
Jack Hammers: ...
Chuck Daniels: Unbelievable.
He tosses a selection of photographs onto the table
Jack Hammers: What the Hell are these?
Chuck Daniels: 18 reasons to believe in America.
Scene 16: The Airport
Two men in suicide vests step into the waiting area, with other terrorists armed with AK-47s attacking and taking hostages
Achmed: Stay down! All of you! We are seizing this airport in the name of Allah! As part of the mighty jihad against you and your people!
Old Lady: Why are you doing this?
Achmed shoots her in the face
Achmed: Stupid American bitch! We do this because we can! Because we hate your freedoms! Zahid, put the tape on screen.
One of the terrorists does some COMPOOTOR HAKKINGZ and gets the screens to show Osama Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: People of America. Know this. My men currently occupy an airport. We seek no ransoms, we seek no release of prisoners. We seek nothing but your attention as you watch us do whatever we choose with you, your people and your country. Because we HATE FREEDOM!
Jack Hammers smashes through the window and goes Die Hard on these S.O.Bs, blasting left right and centre, kicking one guy through a window and then feeding one into the X-Ray machine. He approaches one of the suicide bombers and points his gun at him, but the man takes a hot girl hostage.
Bomber: Don't move Yankee scum! Even if you shoot me, I go off!
(But not in a gay way)
Jack blows his hand off. Close-up of the hand exploding into a bag of goo.
Jack Hammers: Hands off the girl dirtbag...
He shoots him in the other hand just to be sure, leaving the foreign scum writhing on the floor in agony. Our hero looks to the girl.
Girl: Go get those sons of bitches!
Hammers nods and shoots another two terrorists. He makes his way through the airport, encountering one leading a group who ambush him. After a firefight, he corners the leader. They point their guns at each other.
Nasir: You Americans just don't understand us...
Jack Hammers: What's there to understand? You hate freedom. I'm fine with a man not liking the things I love, truly, but when he steps over the line...
Nasir: You nothing of my life, American! I'm from Afghanistan!
Jack Hammers shoots him in the face
Jack Hammers: Now you're in Af-Gone-istan.
He goes out to find Achmed has fled. Bin Laden leers at him from the screen
Bin Laden: You! You dare mess with my plans?!
Jack Hammers: Hide behind your screens whilst you can Osama, I'm coming for you.
Bin Laden: Brave talk for a dead man. Tell me, what name shall I offer up to Allah as the man who I killed for attempting to defile his divine will.
Jack Hammers: Just use my codename buddy.
Bin Laden: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Agent Zero Dark Thirty.
He shoots the screen
Scene 21: The car
Chuck Daniels: I thought you weren't coming back.
Jack Hammers: I couldn't walk. Not from that.
Chuck Daniels: I thought you didn't love America anymore.
Jack Hammers: I never stopped. I may not agree with what's happened to my beautiful bride, but I still love her. I always will...
Chuck Daniels: Well, check the glove compartment.
Jack opens it and discovers a watch
Jack Hammers: This what I think it is?
Chuck Daniels: A welcome back present from the C.I.A
Scene 27: A Cave
Bin Laden: I want this man FOUND!
Achmed: I understand sir...
Bin Laden: I'm not sure that you do, Achmed! I want everything you have on this man! I want his name, his address, his date of birth, his records, his wife, his children, his favourite ice cream flavour, EVERYTHING!
Achmed: His name is Hammers sir. Jack Hammers.
Bin Laden: So you know this man?
Achmed: Yes sir, he was the one responsible for this, many years ago...
He points to his scar.
Bin Laden: Well if you do not bring me his head, that scar will be the least of your worries. Understand?
Achmed: Yes sir.
Bin Laden: Allahu Akbar
Achmed: Allahu Akbar.
On the screen, Bin Laden goes back to molesting the white chicks he has kidnapped.
Scene 30: Bagdhad marketplace
Jack Hammers walks down the streets, eyes open and ready for danger. His hand goes to the earpiece that he wears
Chuck Daniels: You hearing me Jack?
Jack Hammers: Yeah I hear ya.
Chuck Daniels: Remember Jack, we want this guy alive so we can find Bin Laden.
Jack Hammers: Alive, not unharmed.
Chuck Daniels: Now you're talking...
He notices Zahid in the street and goes after him, stalking through the crowds. Zahid notices him and makes a break for his car. Men spring from the shadows, dressed in turbans and carrying AK-47s, opening fire indiscriminately. Hammers pulls a pregnant woman out of the crossfire, then blasts the motherfucker in the head, nodding to the woman and going after more of them.
Terrorist: Kill the American!
He kicks a small boy down and Jack stops his pursuit to help him up
Boy: Thanks mister!
Jack Hammers: No problem kid.
Boy: You gonna get that man?
Jack Hammers: Yeah. I'm gonna bring freedom...
Boy: Go get him!
Jack ruffles his hair and goes after the terrorist, cornering him. He shoots him in the face when he reaches for a gun, then shoots his friend. Zahid is hiding behind a stall. His final ally pulls a knife and charges Jack, who floors him with a single punch and breaks his neck before approaching Zahid.
Zahid: I surrender!
Jack Hammers: Not so fast.
He shoots Zahid in the kneecap.
Scene 32: A warehouse
Zahid, bruised and bloodied, is tied to a chair. Chuck and Jack interrogate him.
Chuck Daniels: Just tell us where he is, Zahid.
Zahid: No! Allah forbids it!
Jack Hammers: If you don't tell us, then you'll be meeting Allah...
Zahid: I am not afraid. I have 72 virgins awaiting me.
Jack Hammers: Good luck getting served by them when I cut off your jihad...
Zahid: What?
Jack goes to the table and picks up a knife, walking over to them
Chuck Daniels: You'd better tell him, Zahid.
Zahid: A CAVE!
Chuck Daniels: Which cave?
Zahid: Alright! It's not a cave, it's an old house behind one of the caves!
Chuck Daniels: Point to it on this map.
Zahid points.
Jack Hammers: Good boy Zahid. You're free to go.
Zahid: W...What?
Jack Hammers: You're free to meet Allah.
Jack stabs him in the eye.
Chuck Daniels: I see what you did there.
Jack Hammers: He didn't.
Chuck Daniels: No, but I'm sure that he got the point.
Scene 36: Helicopter
Chuck Daniels: Wait on my order! We let Jack do his work, then send in the reinforcements and bomb this place to hell. Got it?
Pilot: Sure thing pal.
Chuck Daniels: Come on Jack... I know you can do this...
Scene 37: The house
A wounded Jack and Achmed have a shirtless fistfight on the roof. But not in a gay way. Achmed kicks him to the ground and steps on his neck, producing a knife from his boot.
Achmed: The great Zero Dark Thirty... now in my grasp... First we killed your wife and child on September the 11th, and now I get to finish the job personally. I would say that it has been an honour, but you didn't put up much of a fight. Any last words?
Jack Hammers: Two
Achmed: Oh?
Jack Hammers: Hammer time
He presses a button on his watch and a hammer fires out into Achmed's neck. The terrorist drops his knife, staggers back and falls off the roof. Dead. Jack takes the knife and kicks his way through the window.
Scene 38: Bin Laden's living room
The terrorist leader is propped up on cushions, surrounded by hashish, opium and hot drugged up sex slaves. Jack Hammers kicks through the window into his guard, slashing the man's throat, then picks up his AK47 and guns down the other one before turning it on Bin Laden.
Bin Laden: What the?!
Jack Hammers: You're him... The man responsible for all the world's evil
Bin Laden: Please, Mr Hammers, I can give you anything. You want these women? Here! Take them!
Jack Hammers: Like you took them from their good, clean families and made them your brides?
Bin Laden: I can change!
Jack Hammers: Evil never changes... Get out of here girls...
Most of the girls get to their feet and dash out, save one unconscious one.
Bin Laden: Can't you see that this isn't about me, or you, or even the American government? It's about money, oil and power. Your people take what we have, we are just trying to fight back! Fight back in the name of Allah!
Jack Hammers: Oil? Can it Osama.
He shoots the man and then checks his watch, shaking the woman awake
Girl: Huh?
Jack Hammers: Come with me doll, we've gotta get out of here...
Girl: But... Bin Laden...
Jack Hammers: He's Has-Bin Laden now...
Bikini-Clad Girl in his arms, Jack runs in slo-mo from the building as Chuck Daniels fires rockets at it.
Scene 41: The White House
The President is there, ready to present medals to Hammers and Daniels
President Obama: Congratulations gentleman. This country thanks you for stopping a great evil. I too thank you.
Jack Hammers: Keep your medal. I didn't do it for you.
President Obama: Pardon me?
Jack Hammers: I didn't do it for you. I did it for America. Know that whatever happens, Commie president or not, I'll protect my country.
He punches Obama and leaves the office.
The End
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
90s: The Movie
Jack Peterson (Matthew Perry) is a big city architect who seemingly has it all! A good job, a nice house and a life he loves. But when his boss sends him out to the middle of the countryside to help design a new freeway, he finds more than he bargained for when cultures collide! Out of his depth, out of money and seemingly out of luck, his fortunes change when he meets the spunky young Maddy (Meg Ryan) who teaches him about life and love. That is, if he can avoid her equally successful, rich, charming and jealous ex boyfriend Todd (Dylan McDermott).
But Meg lives next door to Bill and Jenny Sanders (Freddie Prinze Junior and Clea Duvall), the happily married couple who have just accepted an abandoned baby into their midst. But it's not all happy families, for their bouncing baby girl (voiced by Mara Wilson) is actually the lost offspring of a pair of aliens! Now the two of them, (Jeff Daniels and Geena Davis) are coming after the couple to get their child back, on one hell of a road trip! To escape, the Saunders' enlist the help of Robbie (Edward Furlong), the comic book nerd next door, and embark on a journey to get to safety, encountering some weird and wonderful characters and discovering some answers about life, love and friendship along the way!
However, they find themselves part of a much bigger problem when two government agents (David Caruso and Gary Sinise) come after the alien couple and block them at every turn, until they find themselves begging the president for help at the White House. Unfortunately, their pleas are cut short when terrorists attack! Now the agents must find a way to rescue the president and the aliens, whilst the aliens find themselves in a situation where they could not only be heroes, but rekindle their own failing marriage!
Led by the charming and charismatic Charles Kane (Bruce Payne) and his psychotic second in command Boyd (Tom Sizemore), the highly trained group have taken over the building and are threatening to execute the president (Pierce Brosnan) unless their demands are met! Now the president must team up with the aliens and a rogue ex special forces agent (Wesley Snipes) to turn the tables on his kidnappers and stop the world from hurtling towards armageddon!
On the road with the Sanders', Robbie is anxious, for he won't be able to get with Cassie (Rose McGowan) his hot date for the prom, which is in three days! Aided by his smooth and charming friend Chuck (Josh Hartnett), he makes an effort to turn his luck around. But as he's helping his neighbours, in an attempt to prove to Cassie that he is responsible, his sworn enemy Brad (Paul Walker) starts making moves on her! Fortunately though, with the aid of the Sanders' and a crazy escaped con they pick up on the road (Stephen Dorff) he stands a chance of winning her back before Principal Owens (Delroy Lindo) books him for detention!
Richie, the convict, is a man running from his own past. He owes money to the ruthless crime lord Darius Donovan (Jeremy Sisto) and needs to lay low for a while. Hitching a lift with a charming couple, he finds himself home in time to see his girl Natalie (Alicia Silverstone) kidnapped by thugs working for Donovan! He's now got 48 hours to raise the $50,000 dollars he owes, or they're both dead! He teams up with maverick cop Dan Powers (Jean Claude Van Damme) on a thrilling journey of gangsters, guns and friendship that'll keep you on the edge of your seat!
Detective Dan Powers needs this case, for he is haunted by the death of his partner years earlier at the hands of ruthless hitman "The Wolf" (Christopher Walken), whilst Captain Owens (Dennis Hopper) is threatening to drop him from the force. Making things worse, his daughter Ella (Rachel Leigh Cooke) won't speak to him and his wife (Patricia Arquette) has left him. But when he finds out that the Wolf is back in town and is now working for the mafia kingpin Louis Lamotta (Victor Argo), he realises that the time has come to kick back!
But Meg lives next door to Bill and Jenny Sanders (Freddie Prinze Junior and Clea Duvall), the happily married couple who have just accepted an abandoned baby into their midst. But it's not all happy families, for their bouncing baby girl (voiced by Mara Wilson) is actually the lost offspring of a pair of aliens! Now the two of them, (Jeff Daniels and Geena Davis) are coming after the couple to get their child back, on one hell of a road trip! To escape, the Saunders' enlist the help of Robbie (Edward Furlong), the comic book nerd next door, and embark on a journey to get to safety, encountering some weird and wonderful characters and discovering some answers about life, love and friendship along the way!
However, they find themselves part of a much bigger problem when two government agents (David Caruso and Gary Sinise) come after the alien couple and block them at every turn, until they find themselves begging the president for help at the White House. Unfortunately, their pleas are cut short when terrorists attack! Now the agents must find a way to rescue the president and the aliens, whilst the aliens find themselves in a situation where they could not only be heroes, but rekindle their own failing marriage!
Led by the charming and charismatic Charles Kane (Bruce Payne) and his psychotic second in command Boyd (Tom Sizemore), the highly trained group have taken over the building and are threatening to execute the president (Pierce Brosnan) unless their demands are met! Now the president must team up with the aliens and a rogue ex special forces agent (Wesley Snipes) to turn the tables on his kidnappers and stop the world from hurtling towards armageddon!
On the road with the Sanders', Robbie is anxious, for he won't be able to get with Cassie (Rose McGowan) his hot date for the prom, which is in three days! Aided by his smooth and charming friend Chuck (Josh Hartnett), he makes an effort to turn his luck around. But as he's helping his neighbours, in an attempt to prove to Cassie that he is responsible, his sworn enemy Brad (Paul Walker) starts making moves on her! Fortunately though, with the aid of the Sanders' and a crazy escaped con they pick up on the road (Stephen Dorff) he stands a chance of winning her back before Principal Owens (Delroy Lindo) books him for detention!
Richie, the convict, is a man running from his own past. He owes money to the ruthless crime lord Darius Donovan (Jeremy Sisto) and needs to lay low for a while. Hitching a lift with a charming couple, he finds himself home in time to see his girl Natalie (Alicia Silverstone) kidnapped by thugs working for Donovan! He's now got 48 hours to raise the $50,000 dollars he owes, or they're both dead! He teams up with maverick cop Dan Powers (Jean Claude Van Damme) on a thrilling journey of gangsters, guns and friendship that'll keep you on the edge of your seat!
Detective Dan Powers needs this case, for he is haunted by the death of his partner years earlier at the hands of ruthless hitman "The Wolf" (Christopher Walken), whilst Captain Owens (Dennis Hopper) is threatening to drop him from the force. Making things worse, his daughter Ella (Rachel Leigh Cooke) won't speak to him and his wife (Patricia Arquette) has left him. But when he finds out that the Wolf is back in town and is now working for the mafia kingpin Louis Lamotta (Victor Argo), he realises that the time has come to kick back!
Monday, 27 May 2013
Gritty Reboots: Thundebirds
Another attempt at spoofing the trends of "dark reboots" of things. This time, one of my favourites, created during a conversation with a man who is me in 40 years. I give you: "Thunderbirds"
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Gritty Reboots: Thundebirds
Another attempt at spoofing the trends of "dark reboots" of things. This time, one of my favourites, created during a conversation with a man who is me in 40 years. I give you: "Thunderbirds"
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Scott Tracy - Aaron Eckhart
Virgil Tracy - Andrew McCarthy
John Tracy - Chris Bauer
Gordon Tracy - Martin Freeman
Alan Tracy - Garrett Hedlund
Lady Penelope - Sofia Myles
Aloysius Parker - Jason Statham
Tin Tin - Rinko Kikuchi
Kato - Hiroyuki Sanada
Brains - Jason Flemying
The Hood - Ken Watanabe
TracyCorp C.E.O - Christopher McDonald
White Ghost - Crispin Glover
The Tracy brothers have aged and grown apart, going their different ways. Their time at International Rescue has scarred them, after saving many lives but also failing to save many more. Golden boy and eldest child Scott, always his father's favourite son, has enjoyed wealth, success, prestige and the reputation of a hero as the "Face" of International Rescue. Now he's a wealthy playboy and philanthropist, who invested his inheritance wisely and has kept Thunderbird 1 in top condition at his mansion.
Virgil was forever in Scott's shadow, and became an alcoholic mess during his time at International Rescue. Haunted by the lives he lost, and resentful towards his father for treating them like his own personal army and living his own failed dreams through them, he has tried to move on, but is trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job at an aeronautical engineering firm, trying to move on from his fame. The government grounded Thunderbird 2 long ago.
John has grown fat from constantly being in space, and found it hard to adjust to normal life back on Earth. He still tries to keep the peace between his brothers, but he has also lived a nice life of his own in the interim, quietly retiring to a small farming community near Houston, where he has married and had children of his own.
Gordon became the face of Tracy Island after his father's death, partly out of a necessity for somebody to carry on the great work (setting up a charitable foundation in his name) but also out of spite for the man, who always humiliated and belittled him, especially after he came out of the closet. Now a successful investor and company man, as well as on the board of Tracy Industries in an advisory role even after his early retirement, he is still the strongest advocate of the group's work.
Alan, the youngest, most idealistic and popular of the brothers, tragically died when Thunderbird 3 exploded in what investigators deemed a tragic accident.
International Rescue was deemed too dangerous to continue operating without impunity after a series of accidents, failed rescues and a turn in public opinion against them. Slowly their funds dwindled and they were pushed out of international airspace after Jeff Tracy's death, and the company was recently purchased by private shareholders.
Lady Penelope has remained a face in high society, though she has become reclusive since no longer working with International Rescue.
When terrorist organisations, under the command of a mysterious figure known only as "The Hood", launch multiple attacks simultaneously across the globe and kidnap Heads of State at the UN, plunging the world into anarchy, all seems lost...
Until Brains, the maverick genius shunned for his revolutionary ideas, suggests reforming International Rescue after all other plans and ideas fail horribly, leading to loss of life on a huge scale. With no other options, and the situation rapidly deteriorating across the world, it becomes clear that these bitter, mismatched brothers must put aside their differences and come together for the good of the world if they are to stand any hope of defeating this criminal mastermind.
Scott begins to understand the envy of his brothers, and humbles over the course of the story, no longer remaining a glory seeking adrenaline junkie and finally putting his differences (and rivalry with) Virgil aside in time for their final great mission.
Virgil cleans up his act and leads his brothers to greatness, despite butting heads with Scott along the way, and sheds his maverick attitude.
Gordon contends with the backstabbing politics of corporate intrigue, and finally shows the world that there are many kinds of heroism, as well as how he can me than live up to the name of "Tracy" in his own way, and show his father why he was wrong.
John takes to the skies once again, remembering how it felt to touch the stars. He feels free, happy and at peace with the world.
Lady Penelope and Parker come out of retirement and self-imposed exile to show the world that you can indeed teach old dogs new tricks. Even in the digital age, with an ever changing political landscape and crimes which cross borders, there is still a place in the world for high-kicking aristocrats and their combat-ready butlers.
Everything comes to a head seemingly at once.
Thunderbird 1 is damaged terribly in the attack on The Hood's fortress, though the wounded Scott manages to stop his central control system.
Thunderbird 2 is brought out of retirement in order to help evacuate the hostages. Finally, Virgil is a hero once again, shooting down the pursuing fighters and even standing up to the US Airforce when they try to force him to turn back.
Gordon discovers the link between The Hood and TracyCorp and confronts the C.E.O, who tries to murder him to cover up his tracks. But Gordon manages to escape and warn the relevant authorities and send a message to John, who broadcasts it across the globe. He even tracks down the submarine the man tries to escape in, using Thunderbird 4, which he had secretly kept despite telling his brothers he had sold it, and torpedoed him in international waters.
The Hood and his henchmen do battle with Tin-Tin, Parker and Lady Penelope. Though most of the henchmen are killed, The Hood manages to escape, after revealing that Kato was not Tin-Tin's father, but he was. Just as it seemed as if he was to escape in his aircraft, a mysterious rocket collided with him in the air...
At a hearing a few months later, The U.N allow International Rescue to reform, and the brothers move on with their lives, leaving it in the hands of Gordon and John.
Also, there's a musical number in there somewhere.
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Gritty Reboots: Spyro the Dragon
The "darker and edgier" approach to reboots, sequels and series ideas is a popular one nowadays, but can it really be applied to anything? Well, let's give it a go! Based upon the rambing ideas of my flatmates and I as we experienced a sugar rush and a little booze, here is the first part in what could be a new series of sketches: Gritty Reboots.
We'll start with a good, fun, friendly children's game: Spyro the Dragon. Let's see where we go from here. So without further ado, here are scenes from Spyro the Dragon in: The Big Sleep...
Scene 1: Rainy Streets, dark, dingy and downtrodden
Monolgue by the dragon who sits at the bar, an untouched whiskey by his side, a cigarette burning in the ashtray beside him:
Spyro: This town man, it burns into your soul, eats away at you... Keeping order's like pissin' up the stream: You get nothing from it and the water just keeps on rising. I ever tell you about this one case?
Fairy Barman: Nope
Spyro: This one case... The case that makes you, or the case that breaks you...
Scene 2: Years Earlier
A body lies in the street, a dead fairy. Ignitus stands over it with a cigarette in his mouth. Spyro approaches:
Spyro: What've we got here?
Ignitus: Dead fairy whore. Patrol found her an hour ago.
Spyro: Look like our boy?
Ignitus: Yeah, he's back.
Spyro: Same M.O?
Ignitus: Yeah. You want the case?
Spyro: I am the case...
Scene 7: Elana's house
Elana: What do you want Spyro? I'm working.
Spyro: As a whore? Hardly work Elana...
Elana: It pays the bills! If you came here to insult me then don't bother, I get enough of that from the customers...
Spyro: They bothering you?
Elana: Not as much as you...
Spyro: Want me to take care of them?
Elana: What? No! Last time you did that we had to rebuild the entire place. Just tell me what you want and go.
Spyro: He's back in town, isn't he?
Elana: ...
Spyro: Tell me Elana, I'll protect you!
Elana: ... He's back. He came here last week looking for one of the girls...
Spyro: I can take care of you...
Elana: Just go! I've got customers waiting...
Spyro: What happened to us? We had something, you and I, once...
Elana: Your badge. That's what happened. You're a dragon obsessed! Fly away! Like you always do!
Scene 12: The bar
Hunter: We're partners Spyro, you can't do this alone!
Spyro: Go home and look after your kids Hunter, this doesn't concern you.
Hunter: Yes it does! Look at yourself! You haven't slept in days!
Spyro: And those fairies will never sleep again!
Hunter: Jesus... I knew you'd make this personal...
Spyro: It's not personal, it's justice...
Hunter: You didn't care about the fairies when their pimps were gunning them down in gang wars, why do you care about them now?
Spyro: Her name was Zoe...
Hunter: Zoe?
Spyro: Old friend. Helped me out of a bad place. I owe her my life. Owed...
Hunter: Alright. What leads have you got?
Spyro: Ripto...
Hunter: Come on Spyro, Ripto's small fry. You knew that when we ran him out of town, he doesn't want fairies dead when he can still make a profit from them.
Spyro: He still controls the muscle in this town. And his head's so deep in the gutter that he'll have heard something... A myth, a rumour, anything.
Hunter: Muscle? Crush isn't our guy, he's a two-bit thug, Gulp too.
Spyro: Bianca?
Hunter: Alright, I'll ask her. Only because we're friends. Promise me you'll sleep.
Spyro: Sure
Hunter: Promise.
Spyro: I promise.
Hunter: ... Good. Admit it, you've missed this.
Spyro: Hehe, alright, you got me.
Scene 14: Ripto's Mansion
Spyro glides, charges and flames his way through the henchmen before ending up at the offices of the fat Ripto, who recoils in fear
Ripto: Spyro! I thought you were dead!
Spyro: You can't kill the badge Ripto! Tell me who's behind this!
Ripto: My men! Guards!
Spyro: They can't help you now...
Ripto: Dead? Oh my God...
Spyro: He can't help you either. START TALKING!
Ripto: Okay! Okay! I had nothing to do with the murders! I just supplied the drugs, we kept them high on fairy dust so they'd work the streets! It was just good business!
Spyro: I know that! Who killed them?
Ripto: I can't! He'll kill me if I talk!
Spyro: And I'll kill you now if you don't!
Ripto: If you kill me, you'll never know!
Spyro: How much of you can I burn before you start stinking the place up? More than you already are that is...
Ripto: Alright I'll talk! He didn't give me a name, but he works at the new club at the docks!
Spyro: If you're lying, I'll be back...
Scene 18: The Station
Ignitus is at his desk
Ignitus: Come in Spyro.
Spyro: You wanted to see me chief?
Ignitus: Take a seat
Spyro: I'd rather stand. What's this about?
Ignitus: You've become obsessed.
Spyro: God damn it! No I haven't! I'm the only one who cares!
Ignitus: Cares about what? Your reputation? Looking good? I've got fifteen bodies in the morgue after your little stunt at Ripto's place! I told you he was off limits! I thought I could trust you!
Spyro: I needed information.
Ignitus: And I needed an officer who's not gone mad!
Spyro: Of course I'm mad. Mad about JUSTICE!
Ignitus: Justice? You never cared about them, you just wanted to use them for this stupid vendetta you've got against the world.
Spyro: Tell that to the grieving mothers chief...
Ignitus: You're off the case.
Spyro: What?! I AM the case!
Ignitus: You're a headcase!
Spyro: I'm the only officer you've got on this! I've nearly cracked it, ask Hunter.
Ignitus: Hunter's dead.
Spyro: What?!
Ignitus: We fished him out of the river. Poor bastard took eight bullets to the chest.
Spyro: ...
Ignitus: Your obsession killed him Spyro, we're placing you on sick leave.
Spyro: Who takes the case now? Who avenges him?
Ignitus: I've given your file to Sergeant Byrd.
Spyro: Byrd?! That fatass ain't even in homicide! He's a goddam narc!
Ignitus: He plays by the rules!
Spyro: Screw your rules and screw you chief! This case is mine!
Ignitus: Get back here!
Scene 24: Outside the burning labs
Byrd: God damn it Spyro, you were supposed to bring Crush in! Not destroy the fairy dust production rings, I'd been building a case againt Bianca and her gang for months! You've ruined a watertight investigation!
Spyro: Investigate this!
He punches the penguin
Byrd: I can see why the chief pull you from the case Spyro, you're unhinged!
Spyro: Say that again and your jaw will be too.
Byrd: Real mature! You homicide cops are all the same, with your gung-ho, high and mighty attitude to it all. You aren't satisfied until you've burned everything, you think the rules don't apply to you! Well they do! We're all trying to do some good here! But no, you and that good for nothing cheetah always fuck it up!
Spyro: Walk
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk, or I swear I'll end you
Byrd: You can try, I'll have you and your partner's asses fired so fast-
Spyro: He's dead.
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk. The case is mine. Walk and let me solve it, or go back to your wife well-cooked. Your choice Byrd.
Byrd: I didn't know! I'm sorry!
Spyro: Yeah, your kind always are...
Scene 30: Spyro's house
Spyro enters and checks the place, before opening his fridge and drinking milk. He closes it and Cynder is standing there.
Cynder: Hello lover.
Spyro: Get out!
Cynder: Is that any way to greet me? After all we've been through...
Spyro: I said out! This isn't the time Cynder!
Cynder: Relax, I'm not here for that. It's your case.
Spyro: My case?
Cynder: Now you're interested?
Spyro: Don't be coy, give me all you've got.
Cynder: Tut tut, so rude... Fine... The guy behind this has got Bianca working his dust labs right?
Spyro: Keep with the times Cynder. That was downtown, he ain't gonna feel magic for a long time...
Cynder: Well, I bet you didn't know he's got the Prof.
Spyro: What? He's dead!
Cynder: He vanished Spyro, honestly, I thought you cops were smarter than this...
Spyro: Where?
Cynder: The two of them are working on some weapons at the edge of town, by the dockyards. If they succeed, the criminals of this city will be unstoppable.
Spyro: How do you know this?
Cynder: I got out. The cheap bastards wanted me dead rather than paid, so they sent some guys after me. Needless to say, they didn't last long...
Spyro: Get out of town, this'll be messy.
Cynder: Not even a thank you?
Spyro: Out of town. Thank you.
Cynder: You can't do this alone, you need help!
Spyro: Zoe helped me once! Now she's buried in a shallow grave whilst her mother drinks herself to death! Hunter helped me, now he's dead too! I don't wanna lose any more...
Cynder: God damn it Spyro, you're always flying into danger, but you know what? Every time you do, you're flying from yourself!
Spyro glides away into the pouring rain, his face a mixture of emotions
Scene 37: The dockyards, a wounded Spyro and Byrd are taking cover as they are shot at by the enemy, Gulp on the left rattling out machine gun fire and Crush smashing stuff on the right. Byrd checks his gun.
Spyro: How many rounds?
Byrd: Two, enough for the bastards on the left. But they've got us covered.
Spyro: If I glide, I can take the one on the right.
Byrd: You can't make that! Are you crazy?
Spyro: ... Probably...
Byrd: I'll take the one on the right, I've got a better chance than you.
Spyro: The hell you do! I'm the better cop!
Byrd: Please, I'm not letting you take all the glory.
The penguin charges from cover and begins firing. Spyro glides out and takes down Gulp, before flying over and blasting Crush as well. He stops before Byrd.
Byrd: Damn! I'm getting slow in my old age!
Spyro: Get the baby dragons out of here!
Byrd: What about you?
Spyro: I'm going to end this! Once and for all!
Byrd: Hey Spyro!
Spyro: Yeah?
Byrd: You ain't so bad. You'd make a great cop one day.
Spyro: -With a smile- So would you Byrd.
Scene 39: The roof
Blinky the Mole holds Elana hostage, whilst The Professor stands to one side cackling maniacally. Behind them is a figure in shadows. Spyro glides over and lands before them.
Spyro: Enough! Let the girl go!
Elana: Spyro! Get out of here!
Blinky: Do as she says dragon! It's your last chance!
Spyro: Show yourself, let me see who dies!
The figure shakes his head at The Professor and Blinky, who lowers his knife but retains hold of Elana. He steps out from the shadows to reveal...
Spyro: SPARX?! NO! I saw you die!
Sparx: No Spyro, you LEFT ME to die! You saw the fires, the rubble, the death. You saw me go in after them, trying to save them, whilst you made off after the perps. Always so devoted to the rules, to the case, to the letter of the law. Where did that get you? We were partners! We could have been rich together! But no, you had to play honest cop and ruin everything!
Spyro: Sparx, stop this! You know it was wrong! Being a dirty cop wasn't enough for you so now you're a criminal mastermind? This isn't you! We were partners! Stop this madness and we can talk about this.
Sparx: There's nothing left to talk about. Soon the bombs will go off, the dragons will die and you'll have failed yet again Spyro! Do it Professor. And Blinky? Kill the girl.
Elana stomps on the psychotic mole's foot and elbows him in the face. He falls from the rooftop screaming to his death. The Professor is shocked, long enough for Spyro to charge him and headbutt him from the rooftop too, the detonator falling from his grasp and shattering on the floor.
Spyro: Last chance Sparx! Come with me or I'll be forced to do it.
Sparx: Never! You don't have the guts! You never did!
He goes to take off, but the moment he turns his back, Spyro blasts him with flame. He too falls from the rooftop to his death. Byrd, his flipper in a sling, has arrived with backup below:
Byrd: We got 'em out Spyro! You okay up there?
Spyro: Dandy. Clean it up Byrd, I hate paperwork...
Elana: You... you saved me!
Spyro: ...
Elana: What now? You just fly away?
Spyro: That's the usual plan.
Elana: And what do I do?
Spyro: You live your life Elana. Without me...
Elana: But... I can't
Spyro: You've done well so far...
Elana: It's her, isn't it?
Spyro: Yeah. I just can't quit her... Sorry Elana.
She kisses him
Elana: Go get her.
Spyro glides away as Byrd looks up
Byrd: Best damned cop I ever worked with.
Scene 42: Atop a roof
Spyro watches the city intently. Monologue
Spyro: I took Hunter's advice, best night's sleep I ever had. For once I could sleep, knowing justice had been done. Cynder and I hooked up, she's a dynamite gal. Too hot for most to handle, but not me. We do fine. At least, until I'm needed. Because in this city, justice never sleeps.
He glides away into the night.
The End
We'll start with a good, fun, friendly children's game: Spyro the Dragon. Let's see where we go from here. So without further ado, here are scenes from Spyro the Dragon in: The Big Sleep...
Scene 1: Rainy Streets, dark, dingy and downtrodden
Monolgue by the dragon who sits at the bar, an untouched whiskey by his side, a cigarette burning in the ashtray beside him:
Spyro: This town man, it burns into your soul, eats away at you... Keeping order's like pissin' up the stream: You get nothing from it and the water just keeps on rising. I ever tell you about this one case?
Fairy Barman: Nope
Spyro: This one case... The case that makes you, or the case that breaks you...
Scene 2: Years Earlier
A body lies in the street, a dead fairy. Ignitus stands over it with a cigarette in his mouth. Spyro approaches:
Spyro: What've we got here?
Ignitus: Dead fairy whore. Patrol found her an hour ago.
Spyro: Look like our boy?
Ignitus: Yeah, he's back.
Spyro: Same M.O?
Ignitus: Yeah. You want the case?
Spyro: I am the case...
Scene 7: Elana's house
Elana: What do you want Spyro? I'm working.
Spyro: As a whore? Hardly work Elana...
Elana: It pays the bills! If you came here to insult me then don't bother, I get enough of that from the customers...
Spyro: They bothering you?
Elana: Not as much as you...
Spyro: Want me to take care of them?
Elana: What? No! Last time you did that we had to rebuild the entire place. Just tell me what you want and go.
Spyro: He's back in town, isn't he?
Elana: ...
Spyro: Tell me Elana, I'll protect you!
Elana: ... He's back. He came here last week looking for one of the girls...
Spyro: I can take care of you...
Elana: Just go! I've got customers waiting...
Spyro: What happened to us? We had something, you and I, once...
Elana: Your badge. That's what happened. You're a dragon obsessed! Fly away! Like you always do!
Scene 12: The bar
Hunter: We're partners Spyro, you can't do this alone!
Spyro: Go home and look after your kids Hunter, this doesn't concern you.
Hunter: Yes it does! Look at yourself! You haven't slept in days!
Spyro: And those fairies will never sleep again!
Hunter: Jesus... I knew you'd make this personal...
Spyro: It's not personal, it's justice...
Hunter: You didn't care about the fairies when their pimps were gunning them down in gang wars, why do you care about them now?
Spyro: Her name was Zoe...
Hunter: Zoe?
Spyro: Old friend. Helped me out of a bad place. I owe her my life. Owed...
Hunter: Alright. What leads have you got?
Spyro: Ripto...
Hunter: Come on Spyro, Ripto's small fry. You knew that when we ran him out of town, he doesn't want fairies dead when he can still make a profit from them.
Spyro: He still controls the muscle in this town. And his head's so deep in the gutter that he'll have heard something... A myth, a rumour, anything.
Hunter: Muscle? Crush isn't our guy, he's a two-bit thug, Gulp too.
Spyro: Bianca?
Hunter: Alright, I'll ask her. Only because we're friends. Promise me you'll sleep.
Spyro: Sure
Hunter: Promise.
Spyro: I promise.
Hunter: ... Good. Admit it, you've missed this.
Spyro: Hehe, alright, you got me.
Scene 14: Ripto's Mansion
Spyro glides, charges and flames his way through the henchmen before ending up at the offices of the fat Ripto, who recoils in fear
Ripto: Spyro! I thought you were dead!
Spyro: You can't kill the badge Ripto! Tell me who's behind this!
Ripto: My men! Guards!
Spyro: They can't help you now...
Ripto: Dead? Oh my God...
Spyro: He can't help you either. START TALKING!
Ripto: Okay! Okay! I had nothing to do with the murders! I just supplied the drugs, we kept them high on fairy dust so they'd work the streets! It was just good business!
Spyro: I know that! Who killed them?
Ripto: I can't! He'll kill me if I talk!
Spyro: And I'll kill you now if you don't!
Ripto: If you kill me, you'll never know!
Spyro: How much of you can I burn before you start stinking the place up? More than you already are that is...
Ripto: Alright I'll talk! He didn't give me a name, but he works at the new club at the docks!
Spyro: If you're lying, I'll be back...
Scene 18: The Station
Ignitus is at his desk
Ignitus: Come in Spyro.
Spyro: You wanted to see me chief?
Ignitus: Take a seat
Spyro: I'd rather stand. What's this about?
Ignitus: You've become obsessed.
Spyro: God damn it! No I haven't! I'm the only one who cares!
Ignitus: Cares about what? Your reputation? Looking good? I've got fifteen bodies in the morgue after your little stunt at Ripto's place! I told you he was off limits! I thought I could trust you!
Spyro: I needed information.
Ignitus: And I needed an officer who's not gone mad!
Spyro: Of course I'm mad. Mad about JUSTICE!
Ignitus: Justice? You never cared about them, you just wanted to use them for this stupid vendetta you've got against the world.
Spyro: Tell that to the grieving mothers chief...
Ignitus: You're off the case.
Spyro: What?! I AM the case!
Ignitus: You're a headcase!
Spyro: I'm the only officer you've got on this! I've nearly cracked it, ask Hunter.
Ignitus: Hunter's dead.
Spyro: What?!
Ignitus: We fished him out of the river. Poor bastard took eight bullets to the chest.
Spyro: ...
Ignitus: Your obsession killed him Spyro, we're placing you on sick leave.
Spyro: Who takes the case now? Who avenges him?
Ignitus: I've given your file to Sergeant Byrd.
Spyro: Byrd?! That fatass ain't even in homicide! He's a goddam narc!
Ignitus: He plays by the rules!
Spyro: Screw your rules and screw you chief! This case is mine!
Ignitus: Get back here!
Scene 24: Outside the burning labs
Byrd: God damn it Spyro, you were supposed to bring Crush in! Not destroy the fairy dust production rings, I'd been building a case againt Bianca and her gang for months! You've ruined a watertight investigation!
Spyro: Investigate this!
He punches the penguin
Byrd: I can see why the chief pull you from the case Spyro, you're unhinged!
Spyro: Say that again and your jaw will be too.
Byrd: Real mature! You homicide cops are all the same, with your gung-ho, high and mighty attitude to it all. You aren't satisfied until you've burned everything, you think the rules don't apply to you! Well they do! We're all trying to do some good here! But no, you and that good for nothing cheetah always fuck it up!
Spyro: Walk
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk, or I swear I'll end you
Byrd: You can try, I'll have you and your partner's asses fired so fast-
Spyro: He's dead.
Byrd: What?
Spyro: Walk. The case is mine. Walk and let me solve it, or go back to your wife well-cooked. Your choice Byrd.
Byrd: I didn't know! I'm sorry!
Spyro: Yeah, your kind always are...
Scene 30: Spyro's house
Spyro enters and checks the place, before opening his fridge and drinking milk. He closes it and Cynder is standing there.
Cynder: Hello lover.
Spyro: Get out!
Cynder: Is that any way to greet me? After all we've been through...
Spyro: I said out! This isn't the time Cynder!
Cynder: Relax, I'm not here for that. It's your case.
Spyro: My case?
Cynder: Now you're interested?
Spyro: Don't be coy, give me all you've got.
Cynder: Tut tut, so rude... Fine... The guy behind this has got Bianca working his dust labs right?
Spyro: Keep with the times Cynder. That was downtown, he ain't gonna feel magic for a long time...
Cynder: Well, I bet you didn't know he's got the Prof.
Spyro: What? He's dead!
Cynder: He vanished Spyro, honestly, I thought you cops were smarter than this...
Spyro: Where?
Cynder: The two of them are working on some weapons at the edge of town, by the dockyards. If they succeed, the criminals of this city will be unstoppable.
Spyro: How do you know this?
Cynder: I got out. The cheap bastards wanted me dead rather than paid, so they sent some guys after me. Needless to say, they didn't last long...
Spyro: Get out of town, this'll be messy.
Cynder: Not even a thank you?
Spyro: Out of town. Thank you.
Cynder: You can't do this alone, you need help!
Spyro: Zoe helped me once! Now she's buried in a shallow grave whilst her mother drinks herself to death! Hunter helped me, now he's dead too! I don't wanna lose any more...
Cynder: God damn it Spyro, you're always flying into danger, but you know what? Every time you do, you're flying from yourself!
Spyro glides away into the pouring rain, his face a mixture of emotions
Scene 37: The dockyards, a wounded Spyro and Byrd are taking cover as they are shot at by the enemy, Gulp on the left rattling out machine gun fire and Crush smashing stuff on the right. Byrd checks his gun.
Spyro: How many rounds?
Byrd: Two, enough for the bastards on the left. But they've got us covered.
Spyro: If I glide, I can take the one on the right.
Byrd: You can't make that! Are you crazy?
Spyro: ... Probably...
Byrd: I'll take the one on the right, I've got a better chance than you.
Spyro: The hell you do! I'm the better cop!
Byrd: Please, I'm not letting you take all the glory.
The penguin charges from cover and begins firing. Spyro glides out and takes down Gulp, before flying over and blasting Crush as well. He stops before Byrd.
Byrd: Damn! I'm getting slow in my old age!
Spyro: Get the baby dragons out of here!
Byrd: What about you?
Spyro: I'm going to end this! Once and for all!
Byrd: Hey Spyro!
Spyro: Yeah?
Byrd: You ain't so bad. You'd make a great cop one day.
Spyro: -With a smile- So would you Byrd.
Scene 39: The roof
Blinky the Mole holds Elana hostage, whilst The Professor stands to one side cackling maniacally. Behind them is a figure in shadows. Spyro glides over and lands before them.
Spyro: Enough! Let the girl go!
Elana: Spyro! Get out of here!
Blinky: Do as she says dragon! It's your last chance!
Spyro: Show yourself, let me see who dies!
The figure shakes his head at The Professor and Blinky, who lowers his knife but retains hold of Elana. He steps out from the shadows to reveal...
Spyro: SPARX?! NO! I saw you die!
Sparx: No Spyro, you LEFT ME to die! You saw the fires, the rubble, the death. You saw me go in after them, trying to save them, whilst you made off after the perps. Always so devoted to the rules, to the case, to the letter of the law. Where did that get you? We were partners! We could have been rich together! But no, you had to play honest cop and ruin everything!
Spyro: Sparx, stop this! You know it was wrong! Being a dirty cop wasn't enough for you so now you're a criminal mastermind? This isn't you! We were partners! Stop this madness and we can talk about this.
Sparx: There's nothing left to talk about. Soon the bombs will go off, the dragons will die and you'll have failed yet again Spyro! Do it Professor. And Blinky? Kill the girl.
Elana stomps on the psychotic mole's foot and elbows him in the face. He falls from the rooftop screaming to his death. The Professor is shocked, long enough for Spyro to charge him and headbutt him from the rooftop too, the detonator falling from his grasp and shattering on the floor.
Spyro: Last chance Sparx! Come with me or I'll be forced to do it.
Sparx: Never! You don't have the guts! You never did!
He goes to take off, but the moment he turns his back, Spyro blasts him with flame. He too falls from the rooftop to his death. Byrd, his flipper in a sling, has arrived with backup below:
Byrd: We got 'em out Spyro! You okay up there?
Spyro: Dandy. Clean it up Byrd, I hate paperwork...
Elana: You... you saved me!
Spyro: ...
Elana: What now? You just fly away?
Spyro: That's the usual plan.
Elana: And what do I do?
Spyro: You live your life Elana. Without me...
Elana: But... I can't
Spyro: You've done well so far...
Elana: It's her, isn't it?
Spyro: Yeah. I just can't quit her... Sorry Elana.
She kisses him
Elana: Go get her.
Spyro glides away as Byrd looks up
Byrd: Best damned cop I ever worked with.
Scene 42: Atop a roof
Spyro watches the city intently. Monologue
Spyro: I took Hunter's advice, best night's sleep I ever had. For once I could sleep, knowing justice had been done. Cynder and I hooked up, she's a dynamite gal. Too hot for most to handle, but not me. We do fine. At least, until I'm needed. Because in this city, justice never sleeps.
He glides away into the night.
The End
Friday, 17 May 2013
Terrence Malick Presents: Star Trek Into Darkness
I hate Terrence Malick with the firey passion of a thousand burning suns. It started when I saw Tree of Life to see what the fuss was about and then... I died a little inside. It was like watching one of those spoofs of a French arthouse movie. I felt nothing, there was no "inner beauty" or "depth of the soul". Malick was not "naked before his audience" as Ebert described in To the Wonder (also terrible) but simply seeing if he could film random crap and get away with it.
Thus here is a not very good parody, based on a Facebook status of mine I came up with in the early hours of the morning.
Star Trek Into Darkness is a great movie and I saw it recently, so it seemed a good idea to spoof that first. Of course it won't matter, Malick has no bearing on it. He is to cinema what Hetalia: Axis Powers fans are to anime fandom.
Scene 1: Space
Camera pans across night sky
Monologue:
"Stars. Glitter like my soul. Shine like her eyes. Stare into me. Star... Stare..."
Enterprise moves across the screen, the camera glimpses it briefly.
Scene 2: On board.
Spock and Uhura sat at a dinner table.
No words. The beauty is here.
Uhura is smoking a cigarette
Spock's eyes say it all
(Nothing)
Scene 3: The Bridge
Kirk looks out the window, his eyes fixated upon the stars, like his soul is fixated upon adventure.
Slow pan across the machinery and consoles
"Father..." he whispers.
Scene 4: Engine Room
(Scott's scenes were cut)
Scene 5: Space
(Long takes of space and planets)
Scene 6: Earth
Admiral Buckaroo Banzai sits at a desk with his daughter. They are both reading books.
Banzai looks at his daughter over the glasses
Close up of Alice Eve's face
It says all it needs to say
Scene 7: Planet
Dinosaurs
Thus here is a not very good parody, based on a Facebook status of mine I came up with in the early hours of the morning.
Star Trek Into Darkness is a great movie and I saw it recently, so it seemed a good idea to spoof that first. Of course it won't matter, Malick has no bearing on it. He is to cinema what Hetalia: Axis Powers fans are to anime fandom.
Scene 1: Space
Camera pans across night sky
Monologue:
"Stars. Glitter like my soul. Shine like her eyes. Stare into me. Star... Stare..."
Enterprise moves across the screen, the camera glimpses it briefly.
Scene 2: On board.
Spock and Uhura sat at a dinner table.
No words. The beauty is here.
Uhura is smoking a cigarette
Spock's eyes say it all
(Nothing)
Scene 3: The Bridge
Kirk looks out the window, his eyes fixated upon the stars, like his soul is fixated upon adventure.
Slow pan across the machinery and consoles
"Father..." he whispers.
Scene 4: Engine Room
(Scott's scenes were cut)
Scene 5: Space
(Long takes of space and planets)
Scene 6: Earth
Admiral Buckaroo Banzai sits at a desk with his daughter. They are both reading books.
Banzai looks at his daughter over the glasses
Close up of Alice Eve's face
It says all it needs to say
Scene 7: Planet
Dinosaurs
Thursday, 16 May 2013
First Steps
Well, I've finally taken the plunge.
This will be a hectic, chaotic, odd mess of crap that I come up with, largely relating to movies and rants about the random crap that I enjoy.
There will be nerdy references and self-deprecation aplenty, but don't expect anything decent, it is for my enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of those that stumble across this thing.
In future I hope to post up my "Terrence Malick Presents..." stuff, which is pretty self explainatory: I do movies, books, T.V and other such stuff in the style of Terrence Malick.
Otherwise there'll be some reviews, lots of reviews, opinons that nobody cares about and perhaps some of my sketches and scripts if I am so inclined to inflict them upon you like a plague of decency, the senses and literature.
This will be a hectic, chaotic, odd mess of crap that I come up with, largely relating to movies and rants about the random crap that I enjoy.
There will be nerdy references and self-deprecation aplenty, but don't expect anything decent, it is for my enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of those that stumble across this thing.
In future I hope to post up my "Terrence Malick Presents..." stuff, which is pretty self explainatory: I do movies, books, T.V and other such stuff in the style of Terrence Malick.
Otherwise there'll be some reviews, lots of reviews, opinons that nobody cares about and perhaps some of my sketches and scripts if I am so inclined to inflict them upon you like a plague of decency, the senses and literature.
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